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I’ve always wanted a family, at least two kids, a loving husband, a nice house, and I’ve known that since I was a teenager. Even as a teenager I was open to the idea of adoption. But many, many years later, no longer a teenager but over 40, I still do not have the family that I always wanted to have.  

I was waiting for the “right time“, the perfect circumstances, the perfect partner, I wanted it all to be “right” and I didn’t want my kids to be another statistic & come from a broken family.  

I’ve learned over the years that there is no “right time“, the right time never comes because there’s always something that gets in the way. Now, here I am, 40 years old, divorced but recently back together with my ex hubby (who I’ll refer to as my husband :), and no kids.  

People have said to me “why bother now?” and “that’s the path you chose.” and I find comments such as those very hurtful. Why bother now? Because I love kids & I always wanted to have a child & a family. And I did not purposely choose this path, it was the result of bad decisions, wanting to find the “perfect” relationship, expectations that were way too high and unreachable, etc. And I think it also had to do with being scared.  

Scared that I wouldn’t be a good mother, scared that I’d let my kids down, scared that I’d screw them up somehow, scared that they wouldn’t have the perfect life, with the perfect mother and the perfect father.

I don’t know where these unreasonable expectations came from because we all know there is no such thing as “perfect“. I know that now but I think I’ve realized it too late.  

I’m healthy so maybe I could still have a baby safely without risk to my baby or myself or we could adopt a baby, but does my husband want a child this late in life? I haven’t asked him about that yet. When we were married he said he wanted to have a child, but that was 5 years ago now. He’s 46 and I’ll be 41 this year but I know people our ages who have had a baby & they‘re all doing well.

I really have learned a lot since my husband & I split up about 5 years ago. I’ve grown, I’ve changed for the better, I’m more realistic in what I want out of life and out of my relationship. I just wish I had of realized all this stuff back then, before I cut him out of my life, before we divorced. I feel as if I wasted the last 5 years of my life (on a very bad relationship) and now that we‘re back together I cannot imagine not being with him.

I’m no longer waiting for the right time because I know the right time never comes and life passes us by way too fast. Soon I’ll be having these discussions with my husband but for some reason I’m waiting for the right time. LOL! Maybe I haven’t learned that much after all.

Luanne

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