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I posted a question earlier to find out people's opinions about emotional online (non-physical) affairs and if they considered this cheating.  I was not surprised to see that the majority of those people that answered the question did agree that it was a breach of fidelity.  This is my story of how an online affair of the heart has affected my relationship with my spouse.  Some people have very strong opinions about matters such as this and all I ask is that you try and put yourself into the author's shoes to get an idea of what kind of emotional toll this has taken.

My husband and I have been together now for a little over 9 years and I won't say that it's been an easy road.  Most everyone has some sort of emotional baggage that they still cling to.  Sometimes I wonder if the thoughts of emotional infidelity will ever leave me.  All I can think of is that saying that goes, "Once bitten, twice shy."  Both he and I had been in relationships where our significant other cheated on us and this made us cautious to say the least.

We met each other via an online chat program.  He actually used to bug me because he would always try and send me poetry which I really didn't get into.  I was bored one day and we started chatting and decided since it was a Friday night that we would meet for the first time and go out to a club.  We chose a populated place to meet in the town that I lived in.  He was in the military and stationed 20 minutes away from my town so I got to the meeting place a few minutes before he showed up.

I was sitting outside of my car in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart waiting in anticipation.  I knew what he looked like from having seen his pictures that he sent me over the chat program but you just never know if the person on the other side of that chat program is really who and what they say they are.  Finally, here comes this really handsome (pretty boy) blonde man driving an ugly, old, orange pickup truck.    We decided to take my car to the club and from that day on we had been pretty much inseparable.  We hit it off right away and after my family met him the only thing they could say was, "Oh my God, it's a male version of you."

I found a job that happened to be in the town right next to where he lived.  I accepted the job and started doing the daily commute.  The position helped to advance my career and it was a position that I would have accepted regardless if we were seeing each other or not.  He knew that I was struggling with raising my kids and not getting any help from the kid's father so he suggested that I move in with him since my job was there and this would save me money in gas.  I thought about this and since everything was going so well, I did decide to move in.

Neither one of us were looking for a relationship as we had both been burned before.  My divorce from the second husband wasn't even final yet but marriage was the last thing on my mind and I had no plans of EVER doing it again.  When I started seeing him, I would go over to his house and there were times that he would say to me, "Check this out," and he would turn on his chat program and watch all of the messages start lighting up like crazy from all of the women he had in his list.  This was his way I think of saying that we are having a good time together but don't look for any commitments.

After we had been together for a while and he finally decided that what we had together was worth more than flying solo, things started to change somewhat.  I think I grew closer to him then he did to me.  He was scheduled for what would be his last tour in the military and he put in for a place that he had always wanted to go, Alaska.  He got the location he chose and while lying in bed one night he started talking about us moving there.  I told him that I couldn't just move off to Alaska and how am I supposed to afford that.  He then told me that the military would move us and then said that we would get married.  I often wondered if he just offered to marry me so that he had his sex buddy whenever he wanted it.

The feeling I was getting was that I was more attached to him then he was to me.  I'm not sure what happened but I got feelings that things were not going the way they should be and I knew that he was still chatting with all of those women in the local area.  He started acting different and my attempts at seducing him with lingerie were a huge flop.  I was set to go on a business trip out of town in the next couple of days and something was just not right.  I let my curiosity get the better of me and one day I decided to read through his chat logs.  Ladies, let me tell you, NEVER and I mean NEVER, ignore your gut feeling.  I found that he was set to drive to that woman's town that was about 20-30 minutes away on the day that I was due to go on my business trip.  

A huge argument in sued and he got so angry that I violated his privacy by reading the chat logs.  He then went and talked to his friend that told him that he was making a huge mistake and that I loved him very much and not to mess things up basically.  We talked and he admitted that after his divorce that if the relationships he had started to get to serious that he would do something to mess things up as he didn't want to be disappointed again.  After this was all brought out in the open he sent messages to all of his woman friends and then didn't use the chat programs.........for a while.

I'm stuck now thinking, can I ever trust this guy.  He obviously has some issues with intimacy and he is definitely a flirt.  Years have passed now and he still chats with women (always accessible, local women).  We are both computer geeks and I often wonder at times what is on his mind as he doesn't want to share as much and as openly as I myself do.  There was an occasion where I wanted to learn 3D design so I joined this online 3D chat program called IMVU so that I could design objects, etc.  I bought him an account as well and we would jump into the chat and walk around this 3D world. It was fun at first until I realized that I had just given him yet another tool to meet women.  

This program is setup so that there are adult features as well and there was this woman that he met and invited me into their chat session and I listened to her talk about how she has cartoon sex in this program but hides all of it from her husband and I thought to myself, What a deceitful and immoral woman that she is doing these things and has to hide the fact from her spouse.  Well as it turns out, my hubby was spending a great deal of time talking to this woman.  I got that gut feeling yet again and sure enough my suspicions were correct again.  He had called this woman on his cell phone and talked to her for 30 minutes.  What else will he eventually do if he is willing to go this far to hide his indiscretions?  

This is only a portion of the story as the saga continues but it goes with the question that I asked earlier about online cheating.  To sum this up, I would like to add that I had a male friend that I had chatted with for several years about Shamanism, dreams, animals, relationships etc.   I do miss our chats a great deal.  They never bordered on anything sexual and I really looked forward to our in depth conversations.   You see my friend knew that I was a married woman and he respected not only me but the fact that marriage was something that should be respected as well.  He was also in a relationship that unfortunately ended badly for him.  His girlfriend left him for another woman and this devastated him.  He lived in Australia and it was not unlike him to take off and go on a Walkabout.  He disappeared for some time and then we started chatting again.  Months went by and then one day he came on and he told me that we couldn't chat together anymore.  I was shocked and didn't understand what happened and then he told me the reason.  He said that he was falling in love with me and he knew that I was happily married and it wasn't appropriate.  

The fact or moral of the whole story is that, chatting (flirting) online with strangers may seem like an innocent pass time and your intentions may be admirable but feelings are not something to be trifled with or taken lightly.  I have warned my spouse that his flirting may seem innocent to him but he may flirt with the wrong person that turns it into a fatal attraction scenario.  Already this has led the way to phone calls to strangers and if I hadn't said anything ........ Would this have led to a physical relationship?  The feelings issue works on both sides of the equation.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Apr 8, 2009
    • An very heartfelt post honey ...... sorry about your experience



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Apr 8, 2009
    • I am very sorry for the experience you have gone thru. I’m not sure if I could continue in a relationship where I was always on edge about something. I would definitely have to consider all options/consequences.
      I still stand by my comment to the original question. But please understand we are not a judgemental group. You asked and we answered. I bet when more on here see this post there will be an outpouring of support.

      I wish you peace!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 8, 2009
    • So sorry this is happening to you.  

      Is this still happening?

      My gut feeling is run and run fast...the question would be not if he is going to go further, but when.

      Now, I do not him or you, so I could be way off base. But reading this it looks like it has been happening for quite some time.

      I wish i had some answers, but putting myself in your shoes, i am deeply sad...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Middlesworth wrote Apr 8, 2009
    • Thanks for sharing. I’m really sorry that you have this to deal with. I don’t know how I would handle this kind of situation. I don’t think I would be able to deal with it if he continued.
      whew! This one’s a doosey.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Apr 8, 2009
    • I’m so sorry. You said early in the post that you were cheated on before so I know this is raw and painful.

      My gut says that he will not change. I feel he has a problem and it goes beyond you, it’s within himself. He may be someone who would not be capable of being faithful, completely, with anyone. Please don’t allow him to damage your self esteem. He seems to keep repeating this pattern and then getting upset because you violate his privacy. What he is doing is wrong.

      When in doubt, as he’s going along in these co-ed chats, if he asked himself how you would feel if you came up behind him without him knowing and happened to read what was being said online, and the answer would be that it would upset you, then what he’s doing is wrong.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Apr 8, 2009
    • Raven,

      I just want to first say that I have walked a mile in your shoes. It is a miserable way to live.... and life is so very short.

      What is love without truly feeling loved? And how could you possibly feel loved when there are ANY doubts floating through your head about this man that you should be able to trust and respect.  Without trust and respect... there is nothing. I feel (said with love) that you are holding on to ........ NOTHING!  

      I wish you ONE true love that makes your spirit fly high!
      True love isn’t complicated... it’s beautiful!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Darlene457 wrote Apr 9, 2009
    • I too am sorry that this has happened but... from the way you described how you met him I can’t say I’m surprised he is still “meeting” women that way.  

      Sometimes we want to believe that what we see isn’t real.  This is very real and if he loves you he will need to cut the “soul ties” he is building with these other women.  

      He shouldn’t make any excuses for his behavior and neither should you. He has to be willing to honor the vows you made when he married you - to be faithful to you and only you (always).  

      Love is not expressed by what we say but by what we do. Unfornately your husband is having “affairs” with these other women because he is allowing himself to be emotionally connected to them. Being physical is not the only way to be unfaithful.

      If I may, I’d like to suggest you see the movie FireProof (www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5lSu6GkC2k) and get the book The Love Dare. It is exactly what you are dealing with.

      But marriages are being restored using these materials. I think this is an excellent way to save your marriage. God is able to save your marriage and change your husband just by using you. It’s hard to show unconditional respect/honor to your husband even though he may not “deserve” it but it is not impossible to do it.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angelcart wrote Apr 9, 2009
    • You deserve better.  I was married for 17 years and my husband cheated on me.  I knew that since I couldn’t trust him that I would never have peace in my relationship which  is a must.  I think you need to really decide if you want to continue to live like this, not having any trust in your spouse.  From what I read I certainly know I wouldn’t.

      I agree with what the others say too.  It’s a pattern with HIM and I don’t believe it has anything to do with you.  I am sorry to say but from my experience’s I do not believe he will change.  frown



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • Raven,
      So sorry that your husband is doing this.  My ex was into internet porn and it seems to me that when they want to be on the computer more than they want to be with you, you have a problem.  I can’t help feeling that you deserve better than this.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Myjennnow wrote Jun 14, 2009
    • i have been in your shoes.  Run, run fast and run far.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karyn Olson wrote Apr 22, 2010
    • Sorry to hear about all of this...it’s sad and certainly not fair at all...I am not sure what I would do in this situation...most likely put an end to it...because whether or not he is meeting them in person or not...he is still cheating...



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