Today I’m down. Dropped off my son at his dad’s house and drove the 2 hours back. When I make that long drive and come home, my mind always wanders. I think how wonderful my son is and wish I could be with him all the time. I think about my marriage to his dad and the loneliness and desperation I felt afterwards until I met my second husband. Now I’m divorcing the second and yet again going home to an empty house. Sigh.

Both marriages were not good. The second one very much worse than the first. I know they were awful and abusive. Not a good situation for me or my son. But when I’m here in the quiet or watching couples on tv or listen to men gush about their wives, I miss the togetherness. I miss the loving looks (there were a few), the touch, the kisses...I don’t need those men, but I want the companionship, the togetherness. I like being single, making choices, forming my destiny without fear and worry about my safety. Then the grieving begins. I grieve the ideal marriage I didn’t have, I grieve adult conversation, I grieve sitting together on the couch watching tv, I grieve coming home from work and knowing someone was there.  

I think about the men I know at work. I can talk to them so easily. I can work with them and voice my opinion and not be ridiculed. What would these men be like outside the office? Would they be the same? In my past experiences, they would be different. When they‘re home and comfortable and the curtains are close, will they cuddle and love?  

I have made many decisions in the last year that has put my life on the right path. I am moving forward, taking care of myself and my needs. Sometimes there is just one little, tiny missing piece. The wanting and yearning of someone so close they feel a part of you. After two failed marriages, the grief overtakes my thoughts that I won’t find someone that close again. Then I remember what I have learned from going through the pain. I am all I have. I can survive. I will not shrivel up and die. I can control my future. I don’t have to let someone control me. I have the confidence to choose to be with a man to settle my desires, but I don’t need to have a man settle my desires. My eyes are open.