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_Ok, I admit it-I'm not the wonderful mother I always portrayed myself to be!  There, I said it and I didn't die, my walls didn't implode around me, there was no "newsflash" on CNN.  Wow, maybe if I had known this before, I might have had lots better times!

BUT, when does my son forgive me or, at least, let it go?  When does he stop saying all the little things about his childhood guaranteed to make me cry?  Or write him another check?  When do I forgive myself and stop letting him manipulate me?

I know, now, that I have had chronic depression since my childhood but I only started receiving treatment after he was nearly through his teen years was pretty well-formed, emotionally.  We did have some good times as he grew and some better times as he matured into a young man, then his depression surfaced and morphed into anger towards me.  He kept it under the surface, for the most part, until something bad happened, fired from a job, breakup with a girl, then WHAM!!!  Mom’s the worst ever and never did anything right!

Now he is suffering some of the worst times in his life-times when he needs my love and emotional support more than ever before, yet he refused to speak to me at all, except through occasional text-messages (the bain of the 21st century relationship) when he needs my help with his own children-he is now divorced from their mother.

I want to help him but he refuses.  He is failing in his responsibilities to his children so I try to take up the slack, financially and emotionally.  They are the lights of my life and I can’t allow them to go without the basics just because he can’t/won’t support them.  Because of that, I have “taken sides” with his ex, according to him.  It’s just not true-I have taken the side of the children who are helpless in this drama.

I want to contact him but I also respect his feelings-but how long does it take someone to forgive?



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mammakc wrote Sep 17, 2008
    • BEK I feel your misery! And I dont know the answer, maybe some other members will give you some wondeful advice! I will sure be checking to see! I have a similar situation. I have been so sad about it but also wonder how can I change the past?! Of course the answer is I cannot but when will he just forgive and we can move on? Although werent we doing the best we could for our circumstances at the time? I dont know but I hope you get some answers and relief from the sadness!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bek wrote Sep 17, 2008
    • thank you so much for your words of comfort!!!  this is the first time i have ever written anything like this EVER!!  i just took a chance and dove into the blog-pool and the first comment was just so lovely and encouraging!  i don’t remember my parents worrying about what kind of parents they were-just what kind of kids we were!!!  mine were very strict and i always swore i wouldn’t be like that-BIG MISTAKE!!!  can’t be your kid’s friend-you have to be his/her parent, do your best, then let them go.  

      i look forward to learning much from the ladies on this site-your comment meant the world to me!!!  thanks again!!
      bek



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Sep 18, 2008
    • I’m a proud ‘bad’ mother, too! ;)

      Well, not proud, but I forgive myself for my shortcomings. After a lot of soul-searching I recognize that I did the best I could at the time. I wasn’t always everything my son needed, but I was there and trying.

      You do not need your son’s forgiveness. There are many children raised in dysfunctional situations that turn out just fine; the flip-side of that coin is that there are numerous people raised in idyllic households that turn out terrible. That’s normal; that’s life.

      There comes a point in every life where we can no longer blame our parents for the mess our lives have become. Your son, by blaming you, is simply redirecting the responsibility he should be taking for himself. And he probably knows it.

      It sure sounds like he keeps his fingers on your buttons. His refusal for the help you are willing to give is his own cross to bear. You can no more force him to accept your help than you can force him to recognize the further damage he is doing to your relationship with him.

      I really hope the two of you can come together and find a middle ground where, even if the mother-son relationship is beyond breaching, perhaps you can deal with each other as simply adults. That’s a compromise I came to with my own father (whole other issue) and we get along just fine after a lot of years when we didn’t.

      I’m not sure I’ve offered you anything of value, but I’m familiar with your plight and I hope for the best for both you and your son.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bek wrote Sep 18, 2008
    • thanks so much!!!  i, too, had issues with my father for many years.  i can’t say they have ever been resolved but we do have a relationship now so you‘re right, there is hope!

      i never dreamed when i wrote this, that i would receive such thoughtful and encouraging comments!  thanks again!!!
      bek



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