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Having children early in life has several advantages; for starters, I believe that when we are young we worry less. Perhaps because we are naive or maybe we haven't adopted the paranoia that comes with age and life experience, but I know if I had a small child now, I would have been a walking, talking paranoid wreck. And let's not forget the energy factor or the lack of that is evident as the years take their toll.

I remember how our four children easily turned the house upside down, and I clearly remember that back than even after an intensive work-week, play dates, homework supervision, cooking and housekeeping, I was the first to suggest "dancing on Friday." So after dinner and bathing all four of them, my husband and I would go out. Today, I wish for a Friday right about 10 a.m. on Wednesday and by the time it slowly arrives all I can do is vegge on my couch.

Last weekend I reconnected with several friends that I hadn't seen in some time. We live in different parts of the country, so when we finally do meet we always have tons of catching up to do. Although they are the same age as my husband and me, their kids are much younger and they are still trying to figure out the super woman/mom-juggling act. After catching up on everyone's latest events, one gal casually asked:

"How do I get my life back? And what happened to great sex?"

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Every woman occasionally wishes she were in a place where she could find the time and energy for the elusive "great sex."  You know the kind; it came in the initial years of romance and love but seemed to lose frequency as time marched on. Talk show hosts and love gurus are full of tips and scenarios aimed at getting back the intimate times with your sweetheart, but renting a hotel room or sending the kids to grandma's never worked into my schedule, as it did not work into theirs. So it was not a surprise to hear from everyone in the room that the more common kind of sex is now quick and purposeful, not lingering and time-costly.  It appears that after years of a grinding routine requiring all energy to be invested in just getting through the day, the quick sex is preferable.  The pomp and circumstance of gourmet sex is just too expensive for the energy reserves to pay for and eventually it loses appeal and practicality.  

In addition to the unaffordable energy expense, there is always the issue of timing.  As I sat listening to my friends, I couldn't help but smile one girlfriend recited her evening plans last week for a quiet evening with her husband, and how once again without fail her kids managed to stop those plans dead in their tracks.  "It is as if they know we have set aside time that excludes them and therefore they find ways to thwart our scheme," she said. "Sickness, broken limbs and dead goldfish—it all takes a toll."

Having children means expecting disruptions at any and all hours of the night. After a hectic day filled with all the stresses of daily life with multiple kids, all women really want is a thorough foot rub and steaming bubble bath.
After a night of "girl talk," I was sure of few things.  One of them surely was: God had a plan for me to have children early in life; the other—until my friends' children grow up and move out, the hyped up love-making marathons they yearn for will be out of reach.  I think for now my girlfriends will take their quickies and fall asleep reciting their "to do lists" for tomorrow.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Smiley1962 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Very well spoken.  I had my child (only one) later in life.  I was 35 when I had him.  He is 12 years old now.  My husband works nights, and I work days.  So needless to say it is almost impossible now to find time to have sex.  The other problem is that I want sex all the time, and he rarely does, so yes I do take the quickies when I can and hope that someday we too will have back the long passionate love making marathons we had before our son came along.  We will be celebrating 20 years in May, and I plan on having a very long love-making marathon (even if he has to take Viagra LOL).



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Carine Nadel wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Yana,  I have to say-when we went away on vacation, I think we “wore” each other out.  Then the plane landed and we were “hit” with family events, emergencies, hubby’s work, my writing and a host of other tasks.  Result-didn’t do “it” for a week!  We were too tired and busy.  

      what is the world coming too when sex is put on the backburner for a 2 year olds 4 stitches and an 80 year old’s gall bladder surgery?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • I have no children. Egad, what’s my excuse?!



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      Feathermaye wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • I had my son (and the only one I would have) when I was twenty. By the time he was ten I was single again, and not only was it a struggle to be a single mom, it was a struggle to be a single woman just hitting her prime with a ten-year old kid at home!

      I have to say I’m fortunate now to be making up for all the gourmet moments I missed out on for so long. Entering my second marriage with a child that was almost raised, and marrying a man with three fully-raised kids of his own, has left a lot of room for *just the two of us*.

      Although, I have learned that those same kids, no matter how old they are, can still manage to disrupt your quiet moments. It’s just that as they get older, their disruptions are sometimes louder and more expensive! estatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Betty Drake wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • I want sex all the time! Unfortunately my new husband(6months of marriage) has lost ALL passion and desire for me!  I keep myself very fit and trim and even turn heads all the time!  I am really depressed about him not wanting me!  I very much regret marrying again!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Great blog Yana, with me being an empty nester I can only empathize with those who still have children at home that find it hard to get that special time way with their mates or those whose mates or even themselves don’t feel the urge to want to have sex. I’m more so the agressor when it comes to sex in my marriage and my hubby kinda likes it that way because he like the idea of me chasing after him lol, I’d recommend trying to role play for couples who seemed to have lost the passion, and for those married w/ children or in a relationship do a get away for a few hours or something out of the ordinary to put a spark back in the relationship. If all else fails maybe seek a sex therapist.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Wisdomforlife wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • I can’t comment on this one Yana, I haven’t had sex innnnn (I think it’s going on 2 yrs) but then again I’m not married nor do I have a boyfriend, but I do enjoy the blogs and the comments, as they will be esssential to me when the time comes.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kathy Holmes wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • You ladies are hilarious.

      Believe it or not - our 3 cats often get in the way. Ha! We don’t have kids but we still enjoy those getaway weekends - without the cats. :)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      V1957 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • I have been married almost 25 years and our children are now grown and out of the house.  Our sex life like most couples who have been married a long time has been pretty sparse through the years.  Then after I turned 50 I sort of went through a mid-life crisis. That sort of woke something up in me and I announced to my husband that I need passion and need our sex life to be better. He was all for it.  We have the luxury of lots of time alone now so I guess that helps.  One of the biggest things that helped is that we started making out again, not just going for sex right away.  Also I read the book ” the art of sexual intimacy” and bought some videos about erotic massage and the Kama Sutra.  We are having sex several times per week instead of several times per month now. And I think this is great, why didn’t I want to do this very much for so many years. I have heard that when women start going through menopause they find things that were normally tolerable, intolerable.  And that can be a good thing sometimes.  

      Another thing that might have had an impact is that I started using progesterone cream as recommended by my naturopathic doctor and one of my friends said that when she used that it made her feel “horny”



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Erin50 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Kiapet - I feel your pain.  At 50, my testosterone is in overdrive.  At 52, my boyfriend’s must be waning.  It’s not that the parts don’t work - everything is fine in that department - it’s just that he has become so comfortable in our relationship that intimacy to him is more snuggling and cuddling.  He always says the male orgasm is overrated anyway and he is envious of a woman being able to have multiple.  He is happiest “doing me” but I told him that gives me my physical “O” but does not do much to satisfy my emotional “O“.  It is such a touchy subject to broach with them too.  I mentioned the other day that we hadn’t had sex for 2 weeks.  He said no, we did it a few days ago.  I said, no, it’s been two weeks.  Silence.  Then, “I’m sorry; I didn’t know I was remiss.” (sigh)  All I can suggest is that we “take care of business” ourselves in between.  I don’t know what else to do : (



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      PJ Anderson Brown Bag Party wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Ok, this is where *I* come in!  LOL!  I’m the romance party lady.  If you‘re in Charlotte, call me NOW I have answers for you! If you‘re not in Charlotte call me anyway, I’ll put you in touch with someone who can  Spice up your Life!!!  We have some pretty interesting things to get sex and time for sex back on track. I’m not kidding!  LOL!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marie Hempsey wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Great subect Yana,
      I talked about this before. My hubby and I have been together almost 25 years...our oldest is 23.  We had 5 children in 9 years time. Sex was non existent for YEARS and in 2002-3 it almost ended our marriage. We fought, talked,cried, and finally “We” made a decision . We had to make time for each other, real time, quality time. We were both coaches for our kids and board members for different organizations , plus we had Project Children and we had a business and I was doing home day care. There was no time for “US“.  Once we made that decison, which was life changing by the way, we learned to put “us” first. and to this day we still do that...not even always for sex but...2 times a month  at least we go on a date...out to eat or walking through the italian market in Philly or going to a beautiful place to walk with each other,or to the movies, just to spend the day together. It saved our marriage and today...25 years into this thing..we are best friends, happy and satisfied! The secret, for us anyway, is to put ourselves first. We couldn’ do that when the kids were little, it was impossible, but we are definitely making up for lost time!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Gmac wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • You don’t have to have kids to not have time/make time for sex! We have a furry child, 1 dog. And we still don’t have sex! I think kids/no kids has little to do with it. It’s whether u have the time/energy to have sex, and if you want to committ & MAKE the time. Of course, desire is another thing completely....
      -Gina



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • The demands of everyday life, children, money, employment, the economy, yada, yada, yada place many stresses on us which can have a negative impact on romance. I have no children and have always kept up my appearance, energy and desires, yet I also, have experienced many periods devoid of intimacy. Instead of blaming circumstances, or a partner, I now accept that intimacy, like all other phases of life is cyclical, and in the lean times....we must believe that the harvest will soon return.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Angieuwood wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Well I’m not married anymore but I have a boyfriend and we always end up talking about sex and finding to time to be with one another.  Lately we’ve been pressured with the things that’s been going on around us....whether it’s money, job or things in our everyday life.  So, when we got together this last time, we had bought up the fact that sex was becoming far and in between.  But we remedied that one; because I feel there’s more passion in re-connecting when it’s far and in between and I think sex is a valuable part of any relationship.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rhonda Blevins wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • I am well past the young children stage...but our oldest son moved home after we moved into a smaller house.  Our bedroom is right off the living room where he stays til 1 or 2 in the morning...it makes me uncomfortable to do anything with him right outside the door...one day tho’ I hope it will get better!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Hygienist48169 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • I have the same problem as Kiapet, I have a strong drive so I take care of myself! We have sex on Sundays how about that! no kids ,just no desire on his part. We went to counseling for a while and I guess we need to MAKE TIME for each other.  I just don’t know why that isn’t the case at the beginning of the relationship.  When is that oxytonin (sp?) injection going to be available!LOL



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Dahringer wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Yana

      I am not married or have a boyfriend...



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      Jenni0811 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Beach....we KNOW you are the WOMAN here regarding this subject. What’s more important is that you have truely found yourself and your ideal partner in life and your happiness resounds in every word you speak. I am outspokenly happy for you.....and for the education you can give us....haha
      Love Ya Sister estatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dancinggirl wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • My divorce won’t be final for about five more weeks.  I promised myself I wouldn’t get involved with anyone until the divorce was final so it has been 18 months - and before then probably a month.  I am ready to make time again.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Erin50 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • I have an incredibly loving and intimate relationship with my BF - the first decent relationship ever for me.  We are best friends and have never had a fight or harsh words.  Everything is wonderful except that I am a horny goat and he is not.  He says intimacy for him is more emotional than physical.  He would happily give me oral sex for hours on end - he has said that is more satisfying for him than intercourse.  But does that satisfy the emotional aspect for me?  No. I have told him that intercourse is a bonding experience for women.  So I let him get his jollies and in between that, I get my jollies.  I’ve just never known a man that didn’t care if he orgasmed.



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      Jenni0811 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • OMG.....No Worries with the Bod......20 yr old bods can’t possibly appreciate what ours can today estatic



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      Jenni0811 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • hahahaha....I say everyday that I need a “knee lift“....where does the sag come from?????



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Teddybear274 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Right now I don’t have any kids at the house and I still don’t have sex.  I am 48 and I just don’t know what else to do.  He just doesn’t have the desire to want me or to do anything.  If I am in the mood I just wait to go to bed until I get over it.  He gets very defensive and doesn’t want to talk about it.  We have only been married for 4 years and been together for 6 and nothing.  I feel like I am his maid and that is it.



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      Teddybear274 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Kiapet,

      I know what you are going through.  It seems when he wanted me it was great but now he has me and married to me its nothinhg at all.  I was the one to initiate it but it gets old after awhile.. How are you handling it?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Erin50 wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Kia and Teddy, are your SOs showing you affection at all?  Mine is very affectionate and loves to cuddle and snuggle but could really care less if he gets the big O.  When we do have sex, it is great and he seems to enjoy it but the fact that I know he would really rather be going down on me puts a little damper on my enjoyment.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Robinesque wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Ok, while we are not lacking for any up-close-and-personal-intimacy, (except when he is traveling, like NOW!), I am not one of those that can touch, tease, and all that flirty stuff during the day.  Why, you may ask?  Because this is clearly a sign to my husband that “the party is ON!!”  I also do not favor daylight sex, as I find it “inhibiting.”  I am strictly an “under-the-guise-of-night-girl,”  except when we are on our adults only vacations.  Then, I feel like the other men can just SMELL it on me!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • There’s my BB!! estatic You go girl!!

      Where’s our pureromance girl angela been?? We need you! lol

      My hubz and I were, let’s say rabbits in the beginning. If he could we would everyday. The problem is me and we both know the why. We are looking for ways to help it. One of the reasons I am going off my AD meds.

      My other problem is my own self esteem. My body does not move the way it used to, and has more poundage on it thanks to my MS. It is totally my own issue, as my hubz says I am the most beautiful woman in the world no matter what my disease does to me.  

      Then there is the 3 kids!! lol

      We do touch all the time. The small kisses, the hand brush when we pass each other. So now just hoping the meds issue changing will help. As he still gives me the chills thinking about him! estatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lvn4me wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • I have to say, I’m so glad that we are “almost” Empty nester’s.  But lately, I’ve been going on ride alongs with hubby on the truck, and its really nice, we have our own private little world.  We are so close now, and the sex is wonderful.  I’m loving this new phase that we are in.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Yanna,
      If i had a hunky husband like you.....but, alas, I am single.  I had my daughter at 36 and had lots of new mom energy.  Now, at 50, I can’t imagine even having a clean house!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ladisheets wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Husband and i are in our 40’s and are having great sex at this stage in life. No children just one fat cat.

      I feel you have to work at keeping the passion,dont let life get boring and routine.LIve LOve and Laugh !



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Maria Louise Van Deuson wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • When my hubby (he’s 62) and I (49 in August) ‘do it’ it’s about an hour or so in duration and wonderful once I get warmed up. HOWEVER, I feel EXACTLY like Debbie who posted on this thread earlier, when she stated:

      AM I the only one in this group with a terribly low libido? . . . have a wonderful husband who always wants sex more than I do, and recently, I've developed pain (Not to be graphic, but since he IS circumsized, sometimes the ridge on him feels like its raking over me!) I know something is just not right! Anyone else with this problem?  

      I’m post-menopausal at 48+ (started menopause 11 years ago), and have no libido so I have to make myself mentally ‘do it.’ My complete lack of hormones is disappointing and frustrating. I mentally want ‘it’ but physically have no desire.

      Ironically, when we try to plan for ‘it’ we‘re often over taken by life’s events (i.e. family emergency etc.)

      Ultimately, because it’s a bit painful/traumatic for me physically...I figure IF I’m going to ‘do it’ I want it to last a good long time and I’m NOT one for a quickie (too painful).



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kathy Lenhart wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • this is so true isn’t it. we all experience this and its good to share and realize we are all so similar and have the same issues through life.

      lol,
      kathy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      PJ Anderson Brown Bag Party wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • Ok, when I first started reading this thread I was sort of silly in mentioning the romance party thing.  But now, I’m serious. The pain during sex and lack of libido are very common problems, especially in women after 40. Also, there was mention of AD medicines.  So many of the things I show at my parties I do so with these problems in mind. We have lotion stimulators with an enzime called L-arginine that will actually act as a viagra type for women and draw blood into your pelvic area, getting your libido going. There is even one that if used over time, it could have a cumulitive effect with possibilities of close to a cure for it.  

      Also, we have a few numbing lubes that warm & that are originally designed for anal use but some women use it for conventional sex and it eases pain if it is used in small doses. And it’s perfectly safe!

      What I’m saying is that women who have been through menopause, hysterectomies (did I spell that right? LOL) , depression medicines, lots of things can experience desensitized physical feelings. And there are plenty of women who feel pain while having sex. What I teach at my parties is that we have items to help! And another thing we always stress is proper lubrictaion. Store bought ky types might work but will not last and can cause pain as well as UTIs and yeast infections. I know myself, I’ve never ever been able to naturally “lube” during sex and it HURT! So, I lost interest in it for a while. So did my husband.  In fact, for a while, all he wanted to do was work on orally, saying he didn’t need it like I did. When, in fact, he didn’t know how to tell me how un-enjoyable it was and it kinda hurt him. Until we found the perfect lube!!!  

      ok, I’ll stop here. Just thought I’d share....
      PJ



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kathy Holmes wrote Mar 31, 2009
    • The cats want to be where we are so it’s nice to get away without the cats every now and then instead of racing to the bedroom first to shut them out for privacy.



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      Lvn4me wrote Apr 1, 2009
    • Very good point, sexyprime.  I agree.  We are now putting aside the “other” distractions and focusing more on each other.  It has made a huge difference in our sex life.  We are both more in tune with each other because we make it a priority now.  Its amazing how you can make things truely better when your focused on each other.



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