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My daughter & her ex-husband haven't reached the "being friends" part of being divorced! His family lives in the town where we're living... and he brought little Hayli (3 1/2) from NC for Christmas. My daughter had made it clear to him that our family was having Christmas on the 26th... and since he would have Hayli on the 24th & 25th he should let us take her for most of the weekend. When I called him Christmas night (I had sent him & both his parents an email regarding "the plan"), he acted like it was the first he'd heard about it & told me that this was HIS Christmas & HIS family had plans for today (the 27th - which turned out to be a shopping trip) so the whole weekend was out. It seemed to me that he thought HIS family was the only one on the planet celebrating Christmas! Grrr! By the end of two somewhat heated discussions we got our plan straight for yesterday.
We picked up Hayli yesterday morning & had a wonderful, although too short, time with her... and when it was time to return her to her daddy & other grandparents - she didn't want to go... not just "didn't want to go"... but was kicking & screaming like they were trying to abduct her! It was tragic... it almost brought me to tears! It breaks my heart to see her not just act that way toward them... but also for them as it must "kill" them knowing she'd rather be with me & my husband than with them!
_ Tonight my ex-husband’s new wife (of one year) called me to see if they could stop over & see Hayli for a while tomorrow (they had heard from my son that I was hoping to have her for the weekend). I told her that I didn’t have her & she would have to go thru the ex son-in-law... and good luck with that! It seems that when Hayli was home with her daddy in May - he didn’t call to let them know & they didn’t get to see her. She was almost in tears by the time we got off the phone!
FYI:  My ex-husband & I get along great (as long as we‘re not married to each other), I get along great with his new wife... and I get along great with MY husband’s ex-wife (we email & call each other & go out for dinner together when she’s in town!).  I hope it doesn’t take my daughter & her ex-husband long to reach the “being friends” stage.  It would make life so much easier for the rest of us!_



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Termite wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • Marcy,
      Maybe I am jumping the gun here, but I have to wonder why she was kicking and screaming and not wanting to go back?  Is there something that should be looked into further?  Is there something going on that maybe you dont know about?  Like I said...I hate to jump the gun, but is this a normal reaction for her? worried



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jewelryjackie wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • oh dear, this sounds all too familiar.  Our oldest daughter and her husband are in the process of a divorce.  Our granddaughter is 3 1/2 also and so far, it’s going okay with the holidays this year.  She went with them for Christmas Eve and they had her back on Christmas Day at noon but they were 30 minutes late.  I think it’s so hard on the kids as they are so young and don’t know what to think.

      My husband and I live 2,000 miles away so they don’t have to share her with us right now but I do have concerns about a lot of things with this divorce.  

      Hopefully; things will get better for you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Middlesworth wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • I am so sorry that Hayli is caught up in the middle of this. I really feel bad for your family.
      Where is Hayli’s mother in all this. Does the dad have custody?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lilibet wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • Reading this story is very hard for me. I am just like your divorced daughter and have to work out holidays with our child between the families. The thing is we went through a mediator in the divorce and listed out each holiday and a schedule. I’m just saying that it doesn’t sound like things are written down in black & white which makes it very hard for Haylie.  

      Being friends after a divorce isn’t an easy accomplishment. My ex & I are civil and friendly, but everything with our child is a business deal, nothing more. Unfortunately, as the mom, you can only be supportive to your daughter & grandchild and hope for the best.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • We’ve been very blessed so far. Our new daughter-in-law and our ex daughter-in-law seem to really like each other and actually have a kind of friendship. Which causes some weirdness for our son. But it’s really good for the kids.

      I hope yours will get it figured out that if they can be at least civil it will benefit the kids greatly!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • Termite does have a point.  Sometime to think about.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Termite wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • Thanks Jacquie, I thought maybe I was just over reacting. But as soon as I read it, I got a bad feeling.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marcy wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • Ladies... here's the deal.  I was in the delivery room when Hayli was born and babysat her nearly every day for the first year of her life while my then son-in-law was in Iraq and my daughter worked (where we live).  When Hayli was a year old they moved to NC and six months later my daughter who is a Marine was deployed & spent a year in Iraq... her then husband was also in Iraq during that time.  My husband & I raised Hayli for that year.  To say that Hayli & I have a very strong bond would be an understatement.  

       Her dad's parents rarely saw her during the first year of her life... didn't seem very interested unless it was to take her to a family function to show her off.  During the time she lived with us, the other grandparents took her every other weekend (Friday at 4 pm to Sunday at 6 pm).  Every time they'd come to pick her up she'd cry & cling to me and was SO excited to come home to us at the end of her visitation.  The other grandparents seem to be nice enough... they have different beliefs and hobbies than we do but nothing to worry about that I know of.  

       NC is a “joint custody” state... my daughter has primary physical custody of her and her ex gets Hayli every other weekend... sometimes more depending on his work schedule... or when it’s convenient (according to my daughter).  My daughter told me that Hayli doesn’t have a room of her own at her dad’s house - but sleeps on the couch.  She asked Hayli what she does at daddy’s house & she said she watches TV or plays on the computer.  She said daddy plays video games on the TV and doesn’t play with her.  She also said that she doesn’t have to take naps or baths when she’s at daddy’s house.

       When Hayli was here in May with her dad she spent an overnight with us & when he came to pick her up she said: “I don’t want to go with HIM” (not “daddy” but “HIM“).  

       Hayli doesn’t have any visible signs of physical abuse.  Her dad & his family don’t seem interact with her the way we do.  According to his mom they’d take her to the coffee shop so they could visit with their friends while she sits & does nothing... or put her in front of the TV and think that’s okay.  We got down to her level & played with her on the floor, colored or drew pictures, READ (she loves books!), played the piano & sang songs, did things outdoors (depending on the weather).  

       I have a good friend who works in the mental health profession... I guess I could ask her if she sees anything weird in all this.  She knows Hayli & how we raised her for the year she was with us. It breaks my heart to see her act this way as she is a otherwise a happy, well-adjusted little girl!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Dec 28, 2008
    • Thank heavens, no signs of physical abuse, but their interaction with her might be emotional.  Some folks tend to wear their outside face for others to see, but inside they might be mean to her, such as shouting and she might have some restrictions with them.  I am so glad that she does have you and your husband, and her mom to show and give her lots and lots of love.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Dec 28, 2008
    • I agree with Jacquie...
      i am sorry this is all taking place.. i will keep you all in prayer...
      Blessings
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jewelryjackie wrote Dec 28, 2008
    • yes, that would be extremely difficult having almost raised her when she was smaller.  So sad; I sure hope that things get worked out.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marcy wrote Dec 28, 2008
    • My daughter (Lani) called last nite.  Her ex had called because Hayli wanted her mommy... and of course, mommy is half-way across the country.  Lani said Hayli was sobbing when she called...so she asked Hayli if she would feel better if she got to come to Mama Marcy’s house... and Hayli said yes.  Lani talked to the ex... who then called me to ask if it would be okay if Hayli spent the day with me on Monday.  Silly question!!  So... tomorrow Hayli, hubby & I will spend the day together coloring & reading books & playing with her babies... no TV... just lots of laughing & holding hands (she loves to hold hands!), more laughing, playing the piano, and a good home made lunch - not fast food from McD’s.
      I’ll try to pump her for information & see if I can figure out what the problem really is.  And I’ll be sure to let you all know!  Thanks for your concern & prayers!  It’s great to have friends who will pray for you... even when they don’t know you personally!  God Bless you!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jewelryjackie wrote Dec 28, 2008
    • that’s great news.  I know that with our Granddaughter, she spends a lot of time in front of the tv when she is with her Dad and other grandparents but when we watch her or have her, it’s all about having fun together.  

      Have a great day together tomorrow.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marcy wrote Jan 3, 2009
    • I spoke with my ex last night.  He & his wife have called Hayli’s dad three times in 10 days to make arrangements to see her (they live about 30 miles away & would have done all the driving).  Those phone calls / voicemails were missed and/or ignored.  They finally spoke with him & he said that Hayli had a cold (which she does - but that didn’t stop me from seeing her) so he didn’t think it was a good idea for her to be out.  It’s really a shame that he has to be that way.  frown



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Jan 3, 2009
    • Such a jerk!!  I am however excited that you got the time to visit with her some more. How long before mommy comes back?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marcy wrote Jan 3, 2009
    • They all live in NC... He & Hayli will be flying out today sometime.  Lani has remarried & lives there with her husband & his little girl, Kristin - who is 6 months younger than Hayli!... Lani’s about 8 months pregnant (due Valentine’s Day)...
      and you‘re right.... SUCH a jerk!!!!



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