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Dating is a complicated ritual that most of us have engaged in at some point in our lives.  And while many of us may find it awkward, tedious, and even downright frustrating, we nonetheless continue to do it because the drive to connect with another individual is so strong.  

But what are we looking for in our dating experience?  What exactly is our motivation to go on a date?  Good questions.  And as you might suspect, men and women have decidedly different takes on this issue.  Of course, women go on a date for a multitude of reasons, such as:

  1. you are attracted to a guy and want to get to know him better;  
  2.  you're not that attracted to a guy, but are open to the possibility that there may be more there than meets the eye;  
  3.  you think he's excellent husband/father material;  
  4. you think he's sexy as hell and can't wait to jump his bones;  
  5. you don't find him attractive at all, but he's nice and polite, and you've been in a dating drought and this might just be the jump-start you need;  
  6.  your mother, sister, best friend, cousin, co-worker, or hair stylist has a "perfect" guy for you, and you think "what the hell it's only a few hours of my life and my Tivo's broken;" and
  7.  hundreds of other reasons, too numerous to mention.  


Why Men Ask You Out

And why do guys ask you out?  

  1. Because they find you attractive and want to have sex with you; and  
  2.  that's pretty much it, go back and review reason number one.

At this point, many of you may be shaking your heads in disappointment or disbelief, thinking, "certainly men aren't motivated to spend time with us, solely because they want to sleep with us.  There's got to be more to it."  Not really.  Sure we appreciate a woman who can make us laugh.  We enjoy lively, provocative, stimulating conversation.  And we like to bask in the glow of your energy, vivaciousness and femininity.  But mostly we want to get you naked ASAP and feel your warm flesh pressed against us.  Don't we want to get to know you?  Absolutely...but in a biblical way.  

Now before you start angrily heaving all things great and small in my direction, let me clarify one important point: Sex drives us to ask you out, and is the primary goal of our encounter.  But it is not the only reason we continue going out with you once we have known you in an intimate way.  After we have experienced the sexual side of you, we start to appreciate your many other attributes for the first time.  Your great smile, your cute laugh, your bubbly personality, your sparkling wit are now suddenly, almost magically more apparent.  These were all things that were already on display for us to see, but in our tunnel vision to embed ourselves in your tunnel, we probably failed to notice.  Now that we've "done the deed" with you, we actually start to listen to what you're saying, instead of mindlessly nodding our heads, while all we are hearing is the persistent thud of the drumming in our loins.  Now, finally, we're beginning to notice how cool you truly are.  And that makes us really like you.  And want to ask you out more.  So we can have more sex with you...and find out what other wonderful things there are about you, that we completely overlooked in our rush to the bedroom.

The bottom line is this: Men are goal oriented in most of their pursuits, and their pursuit of you is no different.  And it is not "awful," "shameful," "shallow," or "scandalous," that we behave this way.  It is simply the way we were hard-wired.  Yes, it may be different than the way you were hard-wired, but far be it from me to judge either way superior to the other.  And sure, there are men who will ask you out who do not want to have sex with you...but they are either a close relative, gay, wanting to sell you insurance, or all of the above.  Generally speaking, guys that find you attractive want to see just how attractive you really are...all over.  So next time a man asks you out, you'll have a complete understanding of what his motivation is.  No more guesswork or speculation.  His intentions are clear – he thinks you're hot and wants to share in the warmth.  And sharing is an admirable thing, right?      

(C) 2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Aug 31, 2008
    • So...from the male point of view...we should just stop talking, flirting, tantalizing...working so hard at impressing and just lay down and spread our legs...get the dirty deed over with...then and only then will you listen and appreciate the finer and more detailed facets of our personalities?  

      Okay...what if all women did this to the pleasure and happiness of all men-at-large...oh, wait we tried this back in the mid-70’s and early 80’s when the “One night stand” was king....it was boring, shallow and ended up creating more problems then men or women could handle.  It still is happening in many cases...it still makes a woman and some men feel “awful, shameful, shallow, and scandalous“...Why?...because most women are trained from an early age to protect, cherish and view this act as something more than just physical.  Sex is the carrot that women dangle in front of a man...it is the litmus test to ensure that a man is truly interested in us...emotionally and physically...we withhold it...as a way to ensure that when we do give it up that “the act” is more than just pressing flesh...doing “the dirty deed“.  No matter what a man is thinking, especially if they are thinking with their “little head“...women force guys to think with their “big head” when it comes to the hooking up game.  

      What you have told us here is really no new news to women....we know that all men think with their “little heads” first...we also know that we have the “power” to control a man with this knowledge...some women can use this power with great flair, artistry and confidence, while others choose to believe that a man will be above the rest of the animal world and use the brain that God gave them and suppress their primal urges just long enough to get know a woman and realize that most women view sex as more than just a physical act.  

      Whether you are a man or woman...you can not lump everyone together.  There are truths about our primal make-up...but in the end we are human beings.  IMHO I choose to believe that many men and women are not just out to get laid...they are out to find a mate, whether it be long term or short term...they are looking for an emotional and physical connection that is not only satifying...but enriching, pleasureable and long lasting.  Women are also goal oriented in their pursuits...relationships are an investment.  The value that women place on their body and the sexual act is much higher, we have far more to lose in the end...much of society dictates this fact...it has always been this way.  Men are excused in many cases for exactly the reason you have stated...men are hardwired this way.

      “Sharing IS an admireable thing“!  Sharing something of high value, only to have it be treated like a cheap knock-off...used and thrown away without a thought is not!  

      So, as hard as men try to convince us that this is the way you are hardwired and we should just give it up, because we know this is what you want...well...it just isn’t gonna happen with the woman that you really want to spend time with or make an investment with in a relationship....a woman that a man really wants in the end is a woman that he can be sure will not be satifying every other “little head” that crosses her path.  Is this not a truth also about men?  Think about it.  

      In the end, men will find women who will meet their needs when they are thinking with their “little head” and then they will find a women when they are thinking with their big heads first...this is when the the “little head” will be a happier camper...it will be more than physical...I mean...if you just want physical release...men AND women can take care of it themselves.

      Post Script:
      If I have been vulgar in any way in this comment, please forgive me...after reading this post aloud to my husband...he asked me ” Could you find one more way to use “little head” in that post...Amy, that’s sort of vulgar.“...so, if I have offended, I apologize...but it does make my point.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Margo Sokol wrote Sep 3, 2008
    • Very well said, Amy.  And your husband is hilarious.  happyAnyway, I was offended to read that I’m just a cheap piece of warm meat to every man that asks me out.  What if they don’t think I’m good in bed?  Then on to the next piece of warm flesh?  This whole concept makes me feel so cheap and useless. I want to believe that once a physical and emotional connection are made then there is that desire to be intimate.  I don’t dispute the fact that if given the opportunity, men will jump right into bed, but I would like to think that men do have some self control.  I have 3 daughters and this is not what I want to teach them.  “It’s okay girls, just give it up on your first date.  This is the only way to know for sure if you have found true love“.  Yeh, right!Women should cherish and protect their bodies and sex.  It is a special gift to be shared between a man and woman who truly feel that they are soulmates.  I want to believe that my looks, personality, wit, charm, etc. are the first things to capture his attention and then when the time is right....the intimate and precious act of sex is the cherry on top!Maybe I’m old fashioned or live in a dream world.  But, I think this is one dream that is worth believing in.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ladybrett wrote Sep 3, 2008
    • I think what you tell us is TRUE.  I think it is about time we women get our brains around the facts and go with it.
      Safe sex everyone and never settle.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kajenn wrote Sep 6, 2008
    • At first I was going to write about sociobiological theory and how it may fit in a bit here.  Then I thought I’d ask my husband:  

      At first he wanted to categorize it by age (when you‘re young maybe that is more appropriate, etc.).  Then when he started doing that, he said, “Wait a minute, we‘re more complex than that and ‘it’s’ more complex than that“.  He informed me that, while he did find me attractive when we met, he didn’t ask me out just to have sex with me nor was it front row and center on his mind (and we were quite young).  Obviously, to be 21, it had to be on both of our minds.  But then he mentioned some acquaintances of ours; men who do seem to have this attraction towards women; where this attitude IS obviously this cut and dry.  But even my husband, a man, thinks this is gross (and he is a Texan and a businessman; not one to be “whipped” I might add).  Maybe men are just as varied and different as women.

      So, all I can say is, apparently God made something for everyone.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Msemacn wrote Sep 6, 2008
    • I am glad you posted this because I was wondering if I was doing something wrong on my dates.  Last date:  We met online, We met face to face in a crowded resturant, nice conversation, end of night he asked for good night hug.  I hugged him.  He said he doesn’t want to “let go“.  When I am free from the 5th hug, I thought long and hard about how did this happen?  I tried not to be too revealing in my dress.  I did not engage in conversation about sex during the evening.  The hugs lead to a conversation, which led us deciding this was not going to work.  For me, sexual advances too early in the relationship, first date especially, is such a turn off. He thought I had sexual hang-ups.  But this article let’s me know I don’t have to wear a moumou and boots.  It’s not me.  It’s him. and well I guess there is nothing I can do about it, right?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karen Branum wrote Sep 8, 2008
    • Thanks, that’s what I figured...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kajenn wrote Sep 8, 2008
    • a moumou - ha ha.  You‘re funny.  The irritating thing to me about your experience is that some guys think they can get away with acting dumb.  They DO pick up on our signals but think it’s a numbers game (if I hug her the sixth time, she’ll give in).  That’s so rude.  Stick to the smart ones!  Like I said, there’s something (or someone) for everyone!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ladybug wrote Sep 9, 2008
    • You‘re right, calisparrow, I just started dating again after more than a year. (I can’t believe it!) My new boyfriend made a point of proving to me he was not this type of man. It took him two weeks. At one point I accused him of being married. Well, I had to eat my words for misjudging him. Women are also single minded sometimes, there are those who will only date a man if he spends money on them or drives an expensive car. They say “don’t hate the game, hate the player“. There are those who love that game. I for one refuse to play it.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ladybug wrote Sep 10, 2008
    • Actually they say “don’t hate the player hate the game” but it should be the other way around. Hell, I hate the whole picture.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kajenn wrote Sep 10, 2008
    • Yeah, I don’t like the “shallow” ones on either side... but I have noticed through the years that with some people, the longer they date, the more criteria.  Guess it’s that experience makes someone more keen on what they want or don’t want.  I would imagine that that would make it more difficult.  What a personal growth experience!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Msemacn wrote Sep 10, 2008
    • You are right Calisparrow, I think the longer you date the more your criteria grows because that is where I am. Though I believe it may be different for men.  Since they probably increase the criteria for looks, etc, I am looking for characteristics that I am starting to believe may only show itsel during a relationship not during the date phase.  But I defer to those with more relationship experience since this comes from the life and times of the chronically single.

      Another thought I had about the article, I just wonder how many men have fab over 40 sites and there is some woman posting her view points about dating and what’s going on in the woman’s mind when dude is sitting there.  If you know of any send me the link, I would love to check it out.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kajenn wrote Sep 10, 2008
    • Msemacn, you‘re a hoot; you crack me up.  Isn’t that a funny mental image!



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa5x5 wrote Sep 16, 2008
    • I think the point the article is making is in the decision process. Men are much more apt to look at a woman and decide in that split second if she’s attractive to them. If the answer is no then they give it a miss. End of story.

      As women we make that same judgement but we‘re more likely to go out with the guy anyway, because attraction to us (in my opinion) is about a lot more than just the way a person looks.

      As my girlfriend and mother of three boys is always telling me, men are simple creatures. It doesn’t make them bad, just really annoying sometimes.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Leah Young wrote Sep 17, 2008
    • Respectfully, I think the point of the article is simply that men are driven to have sex with females.  This is a fact neither good nor bad.  

      It is, of course, our choice whether we decide to have sex or not at any given time.  This is a commentary on the nature of men from their own point of view, not ours.  I feel it is no reflection on women at all.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shari Tenner wrote Sep 18, 2008
    • As for me, I think at this very moment that all men should be set adrift on a glacier far far away.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kym42 wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • At first when I read this I thought wow, women have finally stooped to this level and there really isn’t much difference between the sexes in that area anymore.  Then my faith in women was restored as I read the first comment and then the next and the next.  

      Still I have to say that while yes I am out for a deeper more meaningful encounter and strive for a longterm commitment not based on the physical, lets face it, there are some rules.  First of all you don’t generally marry men you meet in the bars because that is probably where they will live even after marriage.  I enjoy going to bars and how many times have we sat there with our girlfriends sizing up the male of the species, and who of us would not go home once in a while with one of the hot forbidden hunks for a one night stand if given the opportunity (I said once in awhile, not a regular visit to Ho-ville).  Most of us have high standards, but sometimes we just have to say what the hell with being the upstanding goal-oriented and focused business women, mothers and all around modern women who have achieved so much in our lives.  Sometimes we just want to let our hair down and indulge in some debauchery that we will forget in the morning because sometimes a tryst is just what the dr. would order.  Then we come to our senses and do our pennance and get back on track re-inventing ourselves and bettering our world and yes supporting the quality men in our lives who will one day be worth waiting for to share all our best with and who deserve us.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yogiguru wrote Sep 23, 2008
    • David said in his book, you cannot believe what a man says before you sleep with him. Everything he tells you while dating is constructed to separate you from your undergarments. This isn’t an exact quote but the gist of it. This is SO true. Men will tell you anything to get into your pants, anything.

      I think what David is saying that a man’s first motivation to go out with you is the eventual goal of having sex with you. And that is so true.  

      If a man is JUST looking for sex only with you and doesn’t you see you in his future (other than being naked with him), he’ll poof soon. That’s why it’s SO important to abstain from sex until you‘re absolutely sure he’s committed to you and that doesn’t happen in a few dates.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kajenn wrote Sep 23, 2008
    • You know, I’m going to have to defer to my Mom.  She likes to say nothing is black and white; everything is by degree.  When I took this one to my husband (yes, just one man), he first tried to respond according to the article and then became irritated.  He felt simplified by the article and told me men were more complex than that.  So, maybe some men are more simple, some men are more complex.  Some men have an initial reaction that may only be a split second to “I’d like to sleep with her” before moving to another criteria, some men might stick with that one until they get it.

      Just like we usually don’t like to be put in a box, I can attest that “my man” doesn’t like to be put in a box either.  Funny how this author is “in a simple box and proud of it“.  I’m actually curious about what he would fill the book with.  It seems to be so straightforward and simple.

      Anyone have a copy?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kirby Carespodi wrote Sep 25, 2008
    • I didn’t sleep with my ex-husband until we had dated several times—and we were in our 20s.  I’m sorry, but I’m more than just a receptacle.  I THOUGHT I wanted to date again—but if this is all guys want...count me out.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Drjlade wrote Sep 27, 2008
    • “I want to believe that my looks, personality, wit, charm, etc. are the first things to capture his attention...”

      Keep believing this because this is what you want and you should hold on to those beliefs. Most males do go for looks and personallity, which includes your wit and charm. I counsel teenages and a majority of the teen males tell me that what they like in a girl is looks and especially personality. So, when they become men they keep searching for the same : )



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kym42 wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • Of course I am all about safety.  Emotional, physical... always safety first.  Most of all I am about respecting yourself and of course others.  I am not advocating a free for all where a woman is doing nothing but one night stands.  That would not be respecting ourselves.  I think for the most part (at least the men I know) men feel the same way.  They want respect from us.  I have found that most me my age are not out for a quick lay.  They too want a strong relationship and respect and the rules of this century are equally confusing to them.  On one hand they know we want them to think we are sexy as heck and treat us like we are and sometimes it is hard to know where the line really is drawn.  I just believe that for me atleast I am not going to be celibate, but even though I demand respect and take things slow, once in awhile it is nice to just let it all go and have a quick fling and see where it goes and then get back to life in general.  The most important thing is honoring ourselves and not making men feel like fodder because they are men.  Hey we are all in the same game trying to figure out the rules to win the ultimate prize.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lamocha wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • Although I truly believe there is much truth to what the article says, I find it hard to believe that women are just going to ALLOW a guy to take ‘em for a test drive knowing and accepting that he will then AND ONLY THEN decide if there is more to be desired from the woman, including a relationship,,,and women are just supposed to ACCEPT this as the way things work. I think it would be an injustice to conclude that ALL men function at this level.  I know many men WANT to have sex right away and just play the game until they can get it.  Smart ladies work through this on a daily basis and know that as long as they don’t give it up, they maintain the upperhand and some leverage.  Ladies also know that waiting has its advantages FOR HER for many reasons, but most importantly, to see if the guy takes enough interest and is sincere in his attentions,  before deciding to go for it.  

      Let’s not forget there are single women that do something similar in which they enjoy multiple partners and if one in the pack stands out, she has the choice of whether or not to pursue something more.  

      The beauty of it is that you control what you want to do and how you handle your business...although this article is a bit narrow minded and not anything I didn’t already know, I like the comments it has generated to get us talking!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lamocha wrote Jan 14, 2009
    • thank you for commenting on the article Bryon!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Drjlade wrote Jan 16, 2009
    • Byron, you did not disprove that you do not think of having sex sometime in the future with a woman you ask out.estatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachvawny wrote Nov 11, 2009
    • Let me just say that I think it’s sad that woman are raised to have so much shame around sex. Actually, both sexes are, but women especially. I think this is the biggest reason we tend to take offense to the male of our species and their drive for sex, which has everything to do with their approach regarding the whole “mating” dance.  

      I grew up in the sixties and seventies—a time that I now see as extremely confusing to both sexes with the birth of the women’s movement. I was very much a part of that movement and I’m grateful that I learned all that I did about my right to a happy productive life, and my right to respect, sexual freedom, and choices as a female. However, at my current age of 49, I’ve learned things about men that I never even considered before (which was a problem in and of itself, in terms of relationships with them).  

      The beginning of this strange and incredibly wonderful phenomenon came from an extremely traumatizing marriage, in which I was married to a full blown, diagnosable sex addict. Yep...I did say that. And I can guess that most of you are feeling quite sorry for me as you read this—but stop—right now. Because that marriage, as bad as it was by the end (and it was worse than I care to discuss here) turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life.

      Ladies, we are not innocent in this struggle with the males of our species, no matter how self righteous you may be feeling at those words. It’s sooo easy for us to point our finger at someone who’s behavior is overtly sexual, raised as we are with all kinds of shame around sex. But what about all of you who have used sex as a weapon in your relationships? C‘mon, get honest here—real honest, for just a moment—please—it could change everything for you. Covert sexual manipulation, or withholding love and affection from our mate to punish them, can be just as damaging if not more so, than blatant sexual affairs. It too, chips away at the self esteem of our mate, ruining trust and leaving everyone feeling unloved and even abused.

      The fact that our society is so hung up on sex, sexual behavior, and tends to outwardly judge a natural biological drive to procreate, sets us up for so much shame and confusion, that it’s a damn miracle any of us manage a relationship with the opposite sex for more than six months. All I’m saying here, is that until we can start accepting, and then loving men for the wonderful, gorgeous, sexual, intellectual, hunter type beings that they are, we‘re doomed to drive them away rather than draw them closer, which is really what we‘re after. And how many of you can actually live peacefully with other women day in and day out, hm? Sure, some can, but again, c‘mon, it’s not so easy to live with us and our behavior either.  

      Let me fill you in on a huge eye opening secret about men.  NOTHING screams “RUN!” to a man like a judgmental, controlling woman who constantly tries to change him with “The talk.” Now, please don’t assume that I mean we should allow men to do what they want, when they want—Shoot, half the fun for them is the fact that we‘re too smart for that! It’s your approach ladies—it’s all wrong. Men are simple creatures—so don’t fret—but do learn to love them for who they are. I promise you that you’ll be fulfilled beyond your wildest dreams if you can TRULY appreciate a man for being a man, and be happy about who YOU are, regardless. He will be so taken with you, he’ll be tripping over himself in an attempt to win your affections—which is as it should be. : )

      Men are wonderful, but they are not perfect. Some are jerks, sick, selfish—most only need a little acceptance and understanding to show you how much they want to love you, if you’ll only let them! No one likes to be shamed,especially for something that comes naturally to them, it’s damaging. Women are not perfect either, and honestly, since we have the incredible emotional I.Q. that we do, and we are so desired by men to begin with, we do hold an amazing amount of power to move our relationships in the direction we want them to go.  

      I’ve learned that my ability to love me, my body, my own sexuality and not be afraid of it, and allow men the freedom to be the sexual creatures they are without all kinds of anger and fear about it, setting boundaries in a loving, non-shaming, or even FUN way, they are perfectly delightful creatures whom I don’t want or need to change. And oh, what a wonderful world of joy that opens up—they‘re so much fun the way they are!!! : )



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