Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.


I previously wrote a column addressing a letter from a reader asking why men stray and what can be done to keep them from doing it. I explained the behavior and then gave suggestions on what women could do to guard against it. Upon further reflection, however, I feel that I was invoking a cause and effect relationship that frequently doesn't exist. I tried to tie in "what guys look for in a relationship" with the issue of fidelity, and frankly, that was a mistake. They are two separate, usually unrelated topics, and I should treat them as such. Therefore, in an effort to not muddy the waters with confusing rhetoric (we get enough of that in a Presidential election year) and speak directly to the question, I have revised my answer. Apologies to those I confused or frustrated with my previous dissertation.

Generally speaking, men cheat because they have the opportunity.  That doesn't mean that a guy will definitely cheat just because he has the chance, but rather that availability of a ready and willing partner is the primary motivator in moving men toward infidelity.  And they may be unfaithful, even if they are perfectly content in their relationship with their significant other.  In other words, their cheating is not reflective of how they feel about you.  It simply indicates their unwillingness to exercise a little discipline and resist temptation – no matter how into you they may be.  I repeat, they MAY cheat even if they are incredibly happy in their relationship with you and you have an incredible sex life.  It is not a failing on your part or indication that there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship.  It has to do with the fact that monogamy is counter-intuitive for men, and therefore committing to have sex forever-after with one woman and only one woman is a challenge.  And that challenge is one that many men are just not up to.

So what can you do to absolutely insure your guy won't stray?  Precious little.  There is no product warranty on guys.  His fidelity is based on his ability to embrace monogamy, no matter how unnatural it may seem to him.  If he wins that battle, you have a faithful partner.  It's as simple as that.

That being said, not all men are equal in the potential-for-cheating department.  Guys tend to fall into one of three groups: 1) Those who are open to the possibility, itching to cheat, or actively pursuing "extracurricular” activity; 2) Those who like to think they wouldn't cheat, but who can and do succumb when opportunity knocks (by far, the largest group); and 3) Those who have the discipline to resist temptation...even when opportunity is present.  For this group, remaining faithful is a matter of honor.  Betraying you would be betraying themselves, and they will avoid doing that at almost any cost.  

Obviously, the men in group number one are a lost cause.  These unrepentant horndogs will cheat.  Period.  If there is no opportunity they will make one.  What you do or don't do is of little consequence.  It is not, however, so cut-and-dried for group number two.  While they are certainly vulnerable to temptation, if they are satisfied in their relationships they are unlikely to actively go on the prowl.  Sure, if something (or someone) drops into their laps, they may give in to their desire, but their happiness with you and their relationship (and to no small extent, their sex life) may give them strong incentive to resist.  Conversely, if they feel unhappy or unfulfilled in their relationship, they are likely to use their dissatisfaction as an excuse to cheat.  While this is obviously a rationalization, it is all many men in this group need to justify doing what their penis is prompting them to do anyway.  In group number three, however, the opposite is the case.  Short of physical and mental abuse, many of these guys will remain faithful almost to a fault.  And while that is certainly an admirable quality, their dogged adherence to a strict moral code could annoyingly extend to other parts of their life, including areas in which you might rightly wish they were a bit more flexible.

So, as you see, groups one and three are virtually unfazed by what you say or do.  Group two, however, may be influenced by lack of contentment in their relationship, but contentment alone is not enough to guarantee their fidelity.  Members of this group would be wise to avoid situations that would test their ability to resist temptation.  

One final word: While I paint what may be perceived as a dismal view of men's ability to remain true to one woman, the fact is that statistically speaking, there are millions of men who never cheat.  Perhaps you are involved with one of them, and if so, count your blessings and treat them well.  It may not impact their fidelity, but don't they deserve a little kudos for being one of the few, the proud, the faithful?

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.



  •  

Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lesleyanne wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • Isn’t it true it takes two to cheat?  therefore men should be aware that women fall into the same categories - those who are always “available,” those who think they would never cheat but when presented with the opportunity do and those who would not cheat because it is a betrayl to not only their partner but themselves.  As one who was cheated on by her husband (he fell into the first category), the woman fell into the 2nd category.  By the way she is an avid church goer - every Sunday.  But that is another story.  I wonder - do they know that when the opportunity presents itself - the chances are they will both fail the test of fidelity?  In the end, if a man or a woman have the time to cheat, they are not spending enough time on their marriage.  It is always greener in someone else’s pants.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shari Tenner wrote Oct 26, 2008
    • Lesleyanne,

      I agree with you but I bet they both would blame the occurance on someone or something else, rather than admit their weakness. I have to keep remembering also that I am not faultless in my failed marriage.  There were signs I just didn’t get, clues I failed to pick up on and I guess needs that weren’t met.  I think that these other women have a sense of radar and hone in, and that is how it happens.  My husband fell into the second category—bashed those who cheated and where is he now?  On a date with the other woman.. I would never cheat because it just is not the right thing to do, especially when children are involved.  So here I sit with an angry 19 year old and a suffering 17 year old and I am temporarily stuck.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Beverly Mahone wrote Oct 27, 2008
    • I think one of the main reasons mean cheat is because they are often ignored by their wives.  It isn’t always intentional but when you have a lot going on in your day—sometimes being romantic is the last thing on your mind.

      Make your man always feel he is your number one and be spontaneous sometimes.  It seems like some women become so rigid as they age.  What happened to thosw widl and crazy days?  My husband and I still share a wonderful intimacy because we‘re not only in love but we also enjoy each other intimately.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shari Tenner wrote Oct 30, 2008
    • THE REASON THAT MEN CHEAT IS BECAUSE THEY CAN.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Classycalicat wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • I agree with slatrn. I doesn’t matter how good a realtionship you have, how hot your sex life is, how well you treat them, that you are each others “best friend“. There is ALWAYS some skanky Mom with kids { in my relationship] looking for a sugar Daddy. He needs to have his HUGE ego stroked, [he’s 46 and is starting to look it.] So yes men cheat because they can.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Stella65 wrote Nov 3, 2008
    • I believe that it’s a symptom of other problems in the relationship - a need that isn’t being met.  And it’s not exclusive to men.  Women can cheat for the same reason.  

      I also believe that sex, in the minds of some, can be separated from love.  That the ‘act’ is just that... a way to gain pleasure, no matter who you partner is.  It may have nothing to do with how happy the marriage is or is not.  Just lust, pure and simple.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Valerie Haboush wrote Nov 3, 2008
    • I’ve been on both sides of the fence, and no matter how many excuses you throw at it, it’s still wrong and selfish.  Sure men can, but we can too.  Now that I’m at a point in my life where I’m mature enough to deal with the downs of a relationship instead of finding an escape from them, and now that I’m with a man who is committed and trustworthy, I see a world of difference.  It’s always easier to justify away our mistakes, and much harder to be accountable.  We‘re all human, and each situation is different.  Are humans really meant to be monogamous?  Who knows!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 7, 2008
    • Do you have an article about why women cheat?



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindy Stewart Penkoff wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • Men and women cheat for many reasons, however none of them are because they are being ignored by their partner.  If they are using that as an excuse, it is a lie.  Cheating is a choice.  You are the only person responsible for your choice.

      If you are at the point in your relationship that cheating becomes an option, your relationship should no longer be an option.  Walk away.  Do not make things worse by disrespecting the person that you once claimed to love.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shari Tenner wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Dear Cindypenkoff,

      I think you are my new best friend. Hey can you call my mother in law (soon to be ex) and tell her this as well.  They are totally blaming me for not fulfilling their son’s needs.  :(



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sammy wrote Nov 22, 2008
    • The article says to give men a pat on the back if they do not cheat. Pleaaaassee... It is their moral obligation to be faithful, not something they get a pat on the back for. That male BS, is just that BS...



            Report  Reply


About this author View Blog » 
author