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Some people have bad hair days. Thus far, I've been having a bad hair lifetime. We've been at odds for over thirty years now, with my hair being full of cow licks yet devoid of body, and me punishing it for just being itself. It has survived being permed, colored, and put into ponytails of all sizes and configurations. As my mom would say, "fried, dyed, up and tied." My hair even survived middle school mall bangs. That the picture is from DANCE team, not cheerleading. I will admit to being the co-captain but will point out that I wanted to dance to Prince and not Vanilla Ice. We spelled out "ICE" with our pompoms at the end. Shoot me in the face.

Anyway, I can understand why my hair would hold a little ill will toward me. It has devoted its life to burning out vacuum cleaners and clogging shower drains, when not sticking to the insides of my shirts and tickling me. When shopping for vacuums, I refer to my hair as The Widowmaker. Last night, it went too far.

I had already cleaned out the part of the shower drain that I could reach, and the shower was still draining slowly. I emptied a bottle of Drano into it with no luck. In a moment of insanity, I reached out of the shower and grabbed the plunger. This accomplished nothing, aside from shoving the clog further into the pipes and filling the water pooled at my ankles with chunks of tried rubber and microscopic, mentally horrifying fecal matter.  

“What have I done? I might as well have just stuck my feet in the toilet.” HORROR.

So, I stepped out of the shower (washing the lower half of my legs AFTER stepping out of The Horror, as if that would help) and went to Home Depot to seek out Red Devil Lye.

I strongly suspect that Red Devil is illegal or out of business, because it’s hard to find now. Instead, I got Drano “Kitchen Crystals,” which I took for a good substitute because they come in a metal can which yells “DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING.” A good life strategy in general, especially if you’ve just swallowed lye and value your esophagus.

When the kitchen crystals didn’t work after I poured them into the regular drain, I took off the cover to the overflow trap and poured some in there. Toxic vapors? Yes. Draining tub? No.

So, I went to the ghetto hardware store close to my house and got a hand crank snake, per Google. While this gave me a good workout and allowed me to stick my hands into water swimming with lye, it only produced one small bit of hair. One pipe hasn’t produced this much frustration since Baby Jessica. Before I called a plumber, I’d try one more thing. Liquid Fire.

This was what the salesman tried to sell me the FIRST time I went to the hardware store, but I wanted to try the snake because the bottle of Liquid Fire kind of scared the shit out of me. You can pour an entire can of Kitchen Crystals in a tub and (apparently) wade around in it. The Liquid Fire bottle pretty much said that my legs would be reduced to oozing stumps the very millisecond they came in contact with Liquid Fire. The warnings read like the Happy Fun Ball commercial from SNL. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT LIQUID FIRE. DO NOT TAUNT LIQUID FIRE.

It took two rounds, but the Liquid Fire eventually cleared the clog. I thoroughly cleaned the shower, giving it an extra spray of bleach, just to ease my mind about the whole “might as well stick my foot in the toilet” thing.  

Side bar: Liquid Fire AND Kitchen Crystals smell like perm solution, which should definitely make you never want to get a perm. If nothing else, perming will make your hair angry. You do NOT want to make your hair angry. Trust me on this.


Evilamy, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Jul 25, 2009
    • I will keep liquid fire on my list of hair declogging solutions to try. I use hair catchers in both showers, it helps, as for the vaccuum, I cannot get through half a room without having to stop mid way, take everything apart and yank the hair out from every hose or sucking mechanisn along as having to cut it off the roller and brush. I am always amazed at still having hair left on my head. I’ve also started using a lint roller on my carpeted areas to try to catch most of the hair and prevent the nightmare of fighting the vaccuum. I enjoyed reading this, you have a way with words, thanks for the laugh, even though the thought of the horror is nightmarish it made me laugh.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tina Sickinger wrote Jul 25, 2009
    • Oh honey, you are so funny!
      I wish I would have known you were having this trouble. I’ve been using Liquid Fire for years!! It is the only thing that works effectively. You must be careful with it, though. I remember the first time I used it. I wasn’t aware of quite how powerful it was and I put it in the back floorboard of my car. Unaware to me, the bottle was leaking...OH MY GOD!! I went out the next day to go somewhere and that stuff had eaten the carpet right out of my car!! LOL
      So glad you found your solution...just be safe!!
      Love your writing...keep us laughing! estaticestaticestaticestaticestatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Femmefatale wrote Jul 25, 2009
    • The Dirt Devil actually went out of its way to attack me when I was vacuuming the back of my work van.  Some of my hair snuck out of the ribbon and it was somewhat dark in the van.  I was humming quietly along when the vacuum ended up on my forehead.  I was able to  shut the machine down quickly but the damage had been done.  My hair is about three feet long and the strand that caught took a bit of effort to remove from the rolly part of the vacuum.  I sat on the edge of the door thinking what a great headache when others ran out to my side, I was bleeding from my forehead and required three stitches.  I have since learned a great lesson.
      That being said lol I know the pain of the evil hair. It haunts me day and night but I refuse to cut my hair. I have worked very hard to get it long. I find my hair in all places, lean on it and the pets end up with it in their mouth when they play with the toys no matter what I do.
      Thanks to your message I now know how to battle part of the war with the liquid fire! They do not make the drains big enough for people with long hair.
      Well thanks again.  Enjoy the long hair!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marilyn09 wrote Jul 25, 2009
    • Very funny- You do have a way with words.
      estaticestaticestaticestaticestatictongue out



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      Evilamy wrote Jul 27, 2009
    • OMG! I can’t imagine having that stuff leak on anything. I got half a drop on my thumb and, before I realized it, it ate a hole in my thumb. It didn’t hurt or anything, but it DID stop me from taking a picture of myself kissing the bottle. I enjoy having lips.



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