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By America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Well, today we will admit to having heard it all! Guests on a morning television show on a cable news network offered the following piece of "scientific fact" ? "A woman will test the loyalty of her man each and every day!" Oh, really?
A funny thing happened on the way to the forum. We have studied successful marriage and relationships for over 25 years and we have NEVER heard one single couple tell us this. Not one! Where does this stuff come from?
In fact, we would offer that in successful love and marriage, the contrary point of view has much, much more credibility. In other words, those married couples that have been successfully married for many years rarely, IF EVER, test their mates in this way. The truth is, they trust the one they love completely and never consider the notion of having to "test their loyalty each and everyday!"
Frankly, the kind of "research" quoted on this TV show is exactly what is wrong with many of the books written about love and marriage ? about many of the so-called "research findings" about successful love and marriage.
The bookstore shelves are full of negative and inaccurate information about love and marriage. Trust us on that. But the real truth is, what many counselors and psychologists learn about dysfunctional relationships in their private practice, bears virtually no relationship to the reality of successful relationships.
We often say in our writings about successful love and marriage that you don't learn about success by studying failure. You learn about success by studying success. Hence, in our studies of long-time, successfully married couples over two decades, we have learned this lesson above all others ? they trust each other without conditions! The notion that people in love test each other's loyalty each day is, pardon the strength of this admonishment, ridiculous, utterly and completely!
So what is the truth? First of all, at the heart of successful love and marriage is trust. In our book, Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage , we have a chapter entitled "Character in Love and Marriage." In that chapter we report our findings related to trust, honesty, and character in a successful marriage. And we must admit, over all the years we have been doing our research across cultures and continents (five continents and nearly 40 countries), we have never, ever, heard these couples talk about how they "test" each other "each and every day." In fact, the evidence we have collected would suggest just the opposite ? they trust each other so much that they NEVER have to test their loyalty for each other!
The sad truth is, many writers and so-called "researchers" about love and marriage are more interested in getting on television and radio with their crazy notions ? so interested in making a name for themselves ? that they will say anything to support their perspective, irrespective of the truth. It seems that being famous has become more important than helping people ? about uttering the truth!
Here is what we ask those of you who are truly and completely in love ? do you test the loyalty of your mate each and every day? Do you question their true love for you? Do you believe the one you love will cheat on you or be deceptive with their actions? We think not!
Here is what we know ? people who are truly in love, who are engaged in a successful and loving relationship, do not have to "test" each other. They know that their love is total, honest, and complete. People who are truly in love know that a "test of love" is not necessary. They take their mutual love as a fait accompli. Their love for each other will stand the test of time. Engaging in silly games about love is not their cup of tea.
You see, simple things matter in love and marriage. Love well!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
“the marriage doctors”
Authors of
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Winner of the
INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal
for
Best Relationship Book
Winner of the
2009 Mom's Choice Awards GOLD Medal
for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
I have signed up the free “50 Simple Things That Matter“. I plan on buying your book of Golden Anniversaries with all the bonuses. Thank you.
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Alone I can do nothing, Together we can do all thing!
All my opinions are in no representation of the company I work for;
nor related to my occupation.
*It is my opinion & always my very humble opinion only.*
Also FYI, English is my 2nd language.
Email: DollChina4
@gmail
.com
Annie Maggie,
You are totally correct. When testing occurs it is because there is a lack of trust. Since lasting relationships are built on trust, testing doesn’t need to occur in great relationships. You have got it right!!
Liz and Charley
China Doll,
Thanks so much. We can’t wait to hear your comments about our book. It just won the prestigious 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards Gold Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book. We hope you love it and tell all of your friends about it.
Liz and Charley
I have never felt the need to test any man in my life, because when one has to go there, then there is the distrust factor and if he fails the test he wasn’t your’s to begin with. His heart wasn’t true to you from the beginning.
Neicy!
www.walkinginhislight.ning.com
"When I look in the mirror, I want to see the reflection of Christ in me." D. Richardson
LOL, now ain't "THAT!" the truth 3sa lol.
Neicy!
www.walkinginhislight.ning.com
"When I look in the mirror, I want to see the reflection of Christ in me." D. Richardson
No, I don’t know what I would test him on. If I thought he didn’t love me or anything, I wouldn’t be there. But, I do know people that do test their mates...it is not a pretty thing to witness!
We have intuition for a reason. I’ve always said it’s a gift from God. And, not to be ignored unless one enjoys anxiety.
If instinctively, I feel I have a reason to question loyalty, I walk. For me, it’s black or white. No grey area. Life’s too long and too short for me to waste my time, energy, emotion and my 100% loyalty on anyone who isn’t that loyal right back.
If you‘re needing to test it, be ready for the answer/truth.
It might suck.
As for me, not interested in testing.
It’s either there, or it isn’t. You should know it.
Good blog!
I tested my husband a little when I was young and insecure, but we’ve been married over 20 years now, I’m more mature and secure and I know I can trust him. He can trust me, too!
Another thing to consider is that the people doing the testing may not trust themselves, either. I think this is about self-esteem as well as trust.
MB
)O(
http://www.starbringergallery.com/
“We all come from the Goddess and to Her we shall return like a drop of rain flowing to the ocean.”—Z. Budapest
“‘If God is male, then the male is god.’ . . . if our only images of the sacred are male . . . inevitably women will be devalued.”—Starhawk quoting Mary Daly
On the loyalty note, it doesn’t just apply to a man. It also applies to friends.
Bernette,
You are absolutely correct. If you don’t trust yourself, you cannot trust the person you are in love with. Long time happily married couples trust themselves and each other. You are very good at seeing the dynamics of the relationship.
Liz and Charley
Jenz,
True!!! both men and women have similar issues, but the facts reveal that happily married couples don’t test each other - men or women. They learned early that without trust they have nothing, so your earlier comments are right on target . . . “Life's too long and too short for me to waste my time, energy, emotion and my 100% loyalty on anyone who isn't that loyal right back.” Well stated!
Liz and Charley
This is great comment, I have not ever tested my husband and he hasn’t tested me either. Unconditional Love,trusting each other and communication are keys points in our marriage. We have had to work at it but 23 yrs later he is still my one and only.
Ciao,
Bella
Bella,
You have three of the characteristics of the successfully married couples that we have interviewed around the world. You and your husband understand the keys to what makes love last. You will be one of the couples we will want to interview when you celebrate your 30th wedding anniversary. Congratulations!!!
Liz and Charley
Neicy,
If more women understood what you know about making a relationship work, they would have a far better chance of success. If he isn’t yours to begin with, he will never be yours. Great comments.
Liz and Charley
I’d leave my guy before I “tested” him. If I have to test him then there is something wrong. I’m too old to be playing those games.
Bluerose,
You have it right. If more women took that attitude, relationships would either end or be totally successful. Either way is better than constantly testing because of a lack of trust. Hope others read your comments and think about it. Thanks for the great comments.
Liz and Charley
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