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"I am going to be in town for a couple of days and I would love to see you." the familiar voice said hopefully.

Instantly I am flooded with emotions both good and bad. We had been broken up for a few months and I had been trying to evict him from my mind ever since.

Unbidden, thoughts about him and how hot the sex was, how beautiful I felt when I was with him, how romantic it was to sip wine at sunset, had been running through my mind for weeks. My brief fling with him had been the most fun I'd had in years!

Now here he was, breezing back into my life and inviting me to reconnect. I knew my friends would be shocked that I was even considering it, so I didn't telling anyone he called. There were so many parts of our time together that were very good. Why did we break up anyway?

Does this ring a bell? This exact scenario happened for me several years ago and I chose to say no. It was an excruciating choice because the chemistry was ridiculous. (I would love to know why the wrong men can have such exciting chemistry...just not fair!) This is how it played out.

Gorgeous, exciting ex-flame is visiting my tiny apartment. Candles were lit, jazz was playing and he was doing his best to coax me into bed. "It is important to live in the moment," he said to me, "Do what feels good now." My new interest in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle not withstanding, somehow I knew he was pushing his agenda over my lackluster objections.

I was so tempted. He had asked me for a back massage which, of course, I agreed. I loved touching him and what harm could it do? Ha! As I rubbed the oil on his back, he kept gently encouraging me to respond to my natural arousal and seal the deal. What a pickle!

Somehow, in the middle of this highly charged situation, I said to myself first and then to him, "Wait a minute. Just hold up here. I want to think about what is right for me."

I went across the room, sat in a chair, closed my eyes and pleaded with my Inner Wisdom, "Please help me know what to do. I want this man but the red flags are waving madly! What should I do?"

I was hoping I would get a clear yes (dreamer!) or a clear no but what I got was the most amazing and calming answer.

"Whichever choice you make will be fine. You are going to be fine, no matter what."

I laughed outloud and told him what I heard. He laughed too. I am sure he was hoping my Inner Guidance said yes, but he was absolutely wonderful when I told him I decided no. He had made it clear to me that he was not interested in a relationship with me and as much as I wished I could change his mind, I had to face the truth. Sex would be fun with him but I knew myself too well. I liked him more than that and a bootie call would send me into weeks of obsession! Bottom line, I want to be loved more than anything. Love has to be primary.

What about you? Are you facing a similar situation? A dear friend of mine always used to quip  "An ex is an ex for a reason" whenever I looked back at my ex-boyfriend. I would say the same to you. But, if you are not sure, here are three questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you feel a heart connection to this man? Do you really? Get quiet and allow the memories of your break up come back to you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hurt and disappointed were you? If it is 6 or above. Stop for a moment and think about adding another disappointment to the mix. Does that work for you?

2. Are you obsessing about him? If you are, that is a symptom of an out of control mind. If you broke up, there was a reason for that. Jump into a new hobby or get outside and walk a couple of miles a day while listening to a book on tape. Take action to give your thirsty mind something to think about. An obsessive woman is not very attractive, not even to her friends.

3. What do your friends think? Trust your friends. Just like the Sex In The City girls, trust someone to talk to about this. Often your friends can see your situation more clearly. Yes, Carrie and Big got together, but that was a fairy tale. More times than not an ex is an ex for a reason and moving on is your best bet.

If you can't get him out of your mind, don't worry! There are lots of cool ways to occupy your mind while the next candidate comes across your path. Not to sound like my grandma but, there really are a lot of fish in the sea and there is someone out there for you.

If you are spending hours a day mooning over an ex, you sure can't put too much energy into thinking the thoughts that will attract that new man to you.  Is that OK with you?

Looking for more ideas on how to enhance your relationship? Would you like to feel more loved and cherished? Maybe your Love Set Point is set too low. [Link Removed] and take control of your love life!


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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Nov 13, 2008
    • Great article girl!

      Della



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 13, 2008
    • I definately can relate to this.. All my exes live in Texas and I have been faced with this situation often.

      The decision was easy for me as I will not, ever, NOTTA, sleep with a married man..

      I have a rule.. what I dont want a woman to do to me, I will NEVER do to a another woman.

      So, booty calls, I get them alot, and pleading and all the moaning and groaning.. but... it always boils down to.. well guess what.. your still married and until you are not.. and please.. dont divorce on my account as I will not make a commitment like that... NO SEX.  

      Sorry Darlin...

      And to be honest, I dont go back for seconds.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Catherine Behan wrote Nov 13, 2008
    • Wow!  Thanks so much for all of these comments!

      Colette:  Thanks so much! I am working on a couple of book ideas and I really appreciate your encouragement.  

      Shopgirl and Della,  I am glad you stopped by and I hope you are inspired!

      GreenEyedLady:  Good for you!  I love that you are coming to the same conclusion!  We are more powerful when we are in charge of our own sex lives!!

      Love you all!
      Catherine



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Gigi2misscharlotte wrote Aug 25, 2009
    • i too feel the same symptoms of an old flame flaring up... it has been 32 years since i last saw him!! darn this computer age connecting friends from high school making the distance disappear and the wedding ring on the finger squeezing in a way that i can not describe- i haven’t felt that pain from the ring for a good reason. typing is one thing but hearing the voice touches the place with his fingerprints on my heart. and knowing he is in the same town, within miles of me makes me feel confused and frankly lonesome. the ex is an ex because i was 18 beginning a new life known as country girl goes wild in the big city while supposed to be seriously studying to become a nurse..... i am the reason. your article was read just 5 days after he was in town visiting his family. maybe he brought his 6 year old with him to keep me where i am supposed to be. jean



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dana Cappelletti wrote Apr 26, 2010
    • This reminded of the movie- It’s complicated.  Loved the movie- I am sure real life situations can much different.



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