If Your Husband is Cheating...It's All Your Fault!

I agree shepherdess.  Very well said.
The reasons that we cheat or do anything for that matter rarely has to do with anybody else but us.  

Chocolatier, I don’t really think it has to do with do diligence in this respect.  Frey was a liar. Dr. Nueman is talking about what he thinks the reasons men cheat are. I think it’s good to have debate about these topics. People get booked on talk shows for a lot of different reasons.

Men and women cheat for much deeper rooted reasons than just that they will get away with it…sexual fulfillment or that their wives or husbands don’t give them enough attention.  

An Aside:

Paul Newman was asked once why he never cheated on his wife?  He said: “Why should I eat hamburger when I have steak at home?”  I love Paul Newman!  He was a man of noble character, with a strong work ethic and moral code and a deep and abiding love for his mate, his family and those he helped through his camps for kids with cancer.  This man was a rare breed.

We need more men like him in our society…to be an example..then men wouldn’t cheat..they would have their act together.

It’s really sad that this doctor is considered an authority and Oprah brings him on the show for all to hear.

What happened with lot’s of men that I’m sure many of us know that cheat just because they  want to. I know a guy who is happily married, however, I once walked into a restaurant while he was making out with a girl in the booth. We were all in our twenties, but still this was not an appropriate behavior for a restaurant. Imagine my shock when I realized it wasn’t his wife.

Next time I saw him, he came up to me and thanked me for not telling his wife, I looked at him and all I could ask was “WHY“? his response was “this is something I need to do once in a while just to know I can“, he continued to tell me that he adores his wife and kids, and bla bla bla….here we are twenty years later, he i now a grandpa, and guess what, he is still cheating on his wife. Why? because he is the one screwed up and very insecure. This has nothing to do with his beautiful wife, who for her own reasons knows it and has her blinders on.

Well this is a topic I deal with everyday in my business as a private investigator and know too well myself being a victim of cheating myself.

I have come to a conclusion after seeing so many divorces, broken hearts, lives and families torn apart by cheating.

One thing I do know is that a cheater, not only harms and hurts his or her spouce, he or she hurts his children, family, community, and this list extends usually to the participants spouce if married, children and family.  It even causes conficts in the workplace as coworkers dont like it but have to deal with it as the usually know a victim.  

I know these wounds sometimes never completely heal and can destroy the ones the cheater loves or loved. If the wounds do heal its nearly 20 years later and still children of divorce have issues, later in life, if knowledgable.

Yes the cheater does have old issues to hash out and is idividually responsible but at the cost of those around him or her.  

My conclusion is that if your a victim of cheating. Yes prove your case in court if you divorce and try to piece your life together.  I can happen.. even if your heart is still in love pick up the pieces of your shattered world and move on.  There is another chapter in your life and many more.  Dont let someone elses free will and choices ruin your life because it can.  

My advice for cheaters.. dont do it.  Try to resist, tell your spouce whats going on, get help and if you cant work it out divorce first before you damage all the people you love for years, by your actions.

Most likely though,,,, cheaters wont hear these words.. as they will still cheat.  

I hate to see it and hear it but Im here to help as much as possible.  To seek and find the truth.

I found an old definition of truth once, Truth is the supreme reality.  

If found some can face it.. some can not.  

So I agree in part that cheaters need mental help but the damages they cause are permanent, lasting and harmful to those around them and those they love.

What I am saying is that a person who cheats cannot use anything for an excuse other than his/her own issues. There is no justification/rationalization for infidelity. There are, however, reasons for it, and those reasons lie with that person, NOT with problems in the relationship. This is why people like this so-called expert only make matters worse by trying to put the “blame” on the partner. Shame on him!

Yes, the damages caused by infidelity are permanent, lasting and harmful, and that person should be held accountable for their behavior.

Some cheaters are actually suffering from a disease called sex addiction. it is an addiction like other addictions, just easier to hide and harder to diagnose. If there is a pattern of cheating, then there is probably a sex addiction. If the cheating is a one time thing, and the person realized it was a mistake and didn’t do it again- well then it probably was a mistakee.

Beware, a sex addict often has other problems, like narcissism, or some other personality disorder.
I know, I am married to a recovering sex addict who was in a treatment center fro 3.5 months. He seems to be sober, but that doesn’t mean the narcissim is gone…  

Check out Sex Addicts Anonymous for more info

http://www.sexaa.org/

WoW!  This is an excellent discussion.  All things that have been mentioned are right on the mark.  

In the past few days I have read here and at other sites that I have posted my comments on Dr. Neuman’s appearance on Oprah…well, everyone is pretty much dismissing his theory on the truth about cheating.  

Bottom line, cheating is a broad subject with many explanations for why it occurs.  I believe that we have hit on many of the reasons why cheating happens…but the one thing that IS the truth cheating is NOT the fault of those who live around the cheater…it IS the cheaters fault.  At the same time, it is important to point out that people who cheat are products of their own up-bringing and life experiences…just like addicts that are trying to fill holes left empty.  Not only can it be a by-product of a sex addiction…it can also be an addiction to attention or people…I have even heard recently through an article at LifeTwo.com, that it is linked to avoidant attachment, Boil it down and you get people who make poor choices, have weak moral and ethical codes and are willing to risk what is most precious to them for the sake of satisfying their own needs. It is probably the basis for the demise or destruction of the family, children who are hurt and the weakness of marriage in our nation today…you hit the nail right on the head, greeneyes!

shepherdess

I totally agree that we can only work on ourselves. We are not responsible for anyone else’s behavior. We can only keep our side of the street clean. In the end, our lives, our happiness is our own responsibility, no matter what the other person is doing.

I also think it helps to understand what is happening with the other person.
In the end, it is my, my faith in my higher power and my ability to take care of myself, and do the right thing that will help me live my live to my fullest- and stop blaming others for my troubles.

I’m feeling so validated by the above comments. I started to watch this program and was incensed by the doctor’s implications. You are correct, it is an addiction It’s also a passive acting out behavior…I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist and treat many men who either have cheated or are about to…I find that cheating is a catalyst giving them a “voice” and an acting out behavior when they are unable to verbalize otherwise. I teach them to express themselves appropriately and have the courage to identify their feelings and account for them. Often the motivation for cheating or affairs is also to reconnect with their partner not just the stereotypical “out“. I am happily divorced for 2+ years from a man who engaged in this behavior and worse…he had a website for connecting with other women sexually and had up to 493 contacts. Needless to say I work very hard separating the professional and personal issues…I thought the book of the doctors would help for “research” professionally and further healing personally..but after all your comments and getting a glimpse of the doctor’s feedback, I think not.

Dont blame yourself.. we are all human and even the smallest kitten needs love and affection.  We are not immune and we all need to be loved.  The problem is that humans are so complex and free willed.  As women we can only make the best choices in a partner with the information given to us at hand at the time.  We cannot be expected to know the entire mental history of someone before we marry them and have thier children.  We can look at the family, history, friends, personality, chemistry and ultimately we have to TAKE THAT CHANCE and follow our hearts when it comes to love.  I dont think that there is any absolute test of fidelity or compatablity as opposites attract as well as persons with same perspectives.

Just remember, you are making a promise of fidelity when you marry and so does he.  If he cheats on you, its not you that broke the promise, it was him.  And this goes visa versa for men that have cheating wives.  Your not broken, your not the problem. The biggest thing to remember is you gave yourself to him and now you have that part of yourself back.  Take it and make yourself whole again and do your best to not repeat the same mistake or fall into the same trap.  

We are here to learn lifes lessons.. when a spouce cheats its a huge OUCHER to live through and learn, and soooo painful, to all.  Stay positive and guess what, one day youll look back and say, Im soooo much happier with out him.  It will happen… I promise.. I know.

Dont forget a private investigator can do a background on any new partners, so skip that new pair of shoes and invest a bit in your potential mates.  It could save you tons of heartache and money down the road.

Hi Greeneyes.. it is funny you said that – when I started dating after divorce I made sure to do a background check on anyone I wanted a long term relationship with. You just never know.

Thanks Jen, for your strong positives.  I felt everyone one of them.  I have had very similar thoughts to the ones you have shared.  I appreciate your sharing so much of yourself and thoughts.  I also agree that we have to look at our own part in the failure of the marriage.  Although I don’t blame myself for the affairs that my ex had, I certainly have to look at myself and not make the same mistakes again.  For me, that includes enabling my ex in all of his addictive behaviors.  

I’m grateful to have wonderful friends, family, faith community, and a magnificent daughter (who, by the way has followed in her mother’s footsteps and is also a social  worker!).  This site has also been a source of support.

Carolyn

slatrn:

Your comment is exactly why I had to speak out against Dr. M. Gary Neuman….it is NOT your fault…and it probably had nothing to do with your abilities to satisfy your husband in bed…or that you didn’t build up his ego on a daily basis…this is just a BIG excuse and one that has been leveled at women for centuries.  I wanted to reach through the TV when the good doctor kept on saying this…Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

To heck with what others think was the cause of your marriage’s demise…YOU know what caused it…and that is all that matters.  The truth will eventually be revealed…so take heart…be strong…we know that it was NOT all your fault!

Most recently as i become more confident in my decision to separate from my husband and as i push him toward the door, i am receiving alot of positive feedback about my “person” from friends, family and other professional i have come in contact with.  So even though they are telling me how beautiful,smart, enthusiastic, professional, awesome….i can’t see it.  It must be how anorexics see themselves in the mirror.  I see a woman who’s self esteem is rocked is uncertain of her future.  I believe it feels similar to the minute that you jump from the safety of the airplane and before your parachute opens. Freefalling…and I do have vertigo!!!

If a man cheats, it’s HIS own fault.  No where does it say when you don’t get what you need from your wife, get it from another woman.  Additionally, more women need to stick together and not allow these men to cheat.  You are commonly known as nothing more than the “clean up woman”  and you will never get more from him if you show him that you are willing to settle for so little.  

Let me find out that my husband cheated.  I would $#W(@#*@# #$*@#$@@and then I would *(W@!*$xx% and to finish him up, I would W*$)W%!!!  Okay, I'd better stop now. I'm ready to yell at him just for being a man.

I say DARE to DEMAND more for yourself and from your marriage and if he still thinks cheating is the way, then take the highway and run for your life.