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Tell us your favorite joke
82 posts, 22 voices , started 1 month agoPosted on Friday, October 3, 2008 by luvin40
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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My joke for today:
Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
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My close friend, Jackie Martling, (my kids call him Uncle Jackie) is a one man joke machine. I have to copy and paste them because I can’t tell them. I’m horrible at remembering jokes and he does it for a living (after spending 15 years on the Stern show as his head writer and funny guy).
So, I’m swiping this from Jackie (thanks J!)...
Three guys are arguing at a party about who has the best memory.
The first guy says, “I can remember my mother putting on my diaper.”
The second guy says, “That’s nothing. I can remember being born.”
The third guy says, “That’s nothing. I can remember going to a party with my father and coming home with my mother.”Cheryl A. Phillips
The Daily Blonde
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EEEW hahah. That is just the most depressing cartoon ever!! hahahah
Cheryl A. Phillips
The Daily Blonde
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I’m so bad at jokes I don’t even know the difference!! haha
All I know is I saw that cartoon and I thought, “OK. I did make the right choice getting implants“.
Cheryl A. Phillips
The Daily Blonde
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A joke I taught my son, when he was about 8:
Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: First, you cut a hole in the ice. Then you put peas all the way around the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
He didn’t understand the joke for a year or so, but loved repeating it because it was the closest I’d let him come to cussing in front of other people.
Stellar parenting skills, I know.
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I worked with a lady one time who told me she had reached the age where she didn’t have to wear a bra. She said she just tucked them into her waistband and went on about her business!!
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A rednecks last words? “Hold my beer, ya’ll watch this!” (Girls, I live in Arkansas-I’ve actually heard/seen this!!!)
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Another classic from my repertoire (a long-y, but a good-y):
One day, a young man arrived in Amish country to fulfill his life-long dream of becoming a farmer. After he secured his land, he went off in search of animals to farm.
On the walk into town he came across a man selling hens.
“Good afternoon, sir,” the young man says. “I’m here in Amish country fulfilling my life-long dream of becoming a farmer. I couldn’t help but notice that you have hens for sale. I’d like to buy one, please.”
“Sure,” says the old man. “But I feel as if I must warn you that around these parts, we don’t call them hens. We call them pullets.”
“Thank you very much, sir, for the pullet and the information.”
And he tucked the hen under his arm and then continued on his way. A little further down the road he came across an old woman selling roosters.
“Good afternoon, ma‘am,” he begins. “I’m here in Amish country fulfilling my life-long dream of becoming a farmer. I met a kind gentleman just up the road and he sold me this pullet. I couldn’t help but notice that you have roosters for sale, and I’d like to buy one.”
“Sure, sonny,” she answered. “But I feel as if I must tell you that around these parts, we don’t call ‘em roosters. We call ‘em cocks.”
“Thank you very much for that information, ma‘am,” he says as he pays for his purchase.
So, with a rooster under one arm and a hen under the other, the young man continued on his way.
Further down the road he comes across an old man cursing and beating a donkey with a stick.
“Sir, sir! Please sir, I’m here in Amish country to fulfill my life-long dream of becoming a farmer. I couldn’t help but notice that you‘re having some trouble with this donkey. If you’d like, I’d be happy to buy it from you, saving you from any further grief.”
“Fine, fine,” the old man said. “I’ll be glad to be rid of the beast, to be honest with you. But there’s two things you should know: #1, this beast is very spoiled, and will sometimes stop walking altogether unless you scratch his back. And #2, around these parts we don’t call it a donkey, we call it an ass.”
“Thank you sir, thank you very much.”
So, with a hen under one arm, a rooster under the other and leading a donkey by a rope, the young man decided it was time to head home. About halfway there, however, the donkey stopped dead in his tracks.
The young man didn’t know what to do; if he set either the rooster or hen on the road, they would surely run off. But, he couldn’t just leave the donkey standing there, either.
Fortunately, a young woman came walking up the road toward him. When she got nearer, he spoke.
“Pardon me miss. I’m here in Amish country to fulfill my lifelong dream of being a farmer. I’ve been walking all day and have almost made it home, but now I’m in a spot of trouble and was hoping you could help me.”
“Sure,” she said. “What can I do?”
“Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”
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Well….I don’t have that anymore…no implants but I did get one hell of a breast reduction…..one of the best surgeries….besides the hysterectomy.
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There were two people in an assited living facility called George and Sue. Each night they would sit outside together and talk about their departed loved ones. One night, George said “Sue, I am dying and have a favor to ask, as a friend“. She said “George, I’m so sorry. Anything for a friend!” He asked her to just “hold it” for him for a little while, as it had been so long since he felt a womans touch. She did so, night after night. One day, he never showed up, so she assumed he had passed away. She went back in to find him sitting alone in the common area. She confronted him and he told her he had another “friend“. She asked her name. “Sadie“, he said. “What does Sadie have that I don’t have?” Sue asked. Goerge looked her in the eye and said “Parkinsons.”
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Parkinsons disease is know for a hand tremor, in case you didn’t get that.
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LOL jesus‘girl!!
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What goes clipity-clap, clipity-clap, clipity-clap, bang, bang, bang, clipity-clap, clipity-clap?
An Amish drive-by!
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I personally love all of your jokes, the one about the Parkinson’s was a hoot. Love. it. However, you all might want to be careful if you post anything with any profanity in it, or anything sexual as I got a slap on the wrist and was asked to remove any and all profanity from my blog as it was offensive to some on this site.
Just looking out for you all.
Take care
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There’s plenty of profanity on this site and sexual stuff, too. I never told you girls, but Sassy posted a comment on my blog “Gifts” one day, that showed up on my e-mail for me to open. When I opened it, everything had been removed(except my original blog) and replaced with the comments from an oral sex chat on this site. It was a freak technical thing, promply fixed, but I didn’t know what to think! I contacted Yana and she had the “guys” fix it. Nobody saw it but us, I don’t think. We had a good laugh over it!! Guess it (oral sex) would be considered a “gift” by some! lol! Not a good mixture, though.
I have to be careful with the Parkinsons joke, too. That can be offensive to some. For the record, my dad has Parkinsons and my mom thinks that’s the funniest joke EVER!! :) :)
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Ouch I am Italian. I’d never make a joke about anyone’s religion, culture, or race.
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Only cultural jokes so far are “Amish” and I don’t think they‘re on-line right now. :)
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Then you DON‘T love all of our jokes, since a good portion of us posting tonight have hit upon at least one of those taboo topics.
Quite frankly, if people didn’t speak because someone somewhere MIGHT be offended, the world would be a very quiet place.
They‘re jokes. They‘re not personal.
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Mary
I just saw the cartoon you posted. That is so funny!
Annie
______________________
This is my opinion. My opinions are in no way representative of those at the company where I work. This is just my opinion.
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I posted here last night before heading to bed. I laughed at these until I cried… or maybe because I was so tired from keeping such late hours. (see my addict blog) And now, really, I am going to exercise a little self control.
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Just to cool things off here in case they get heated…I think there is a fine line as to what is offensive here.I think we’ve all used profanity in some form but some members are more apt to feel offended by the stronger words. I think it is tough to please all in the world of social media. No one wants to be censored but just removing the really vulgar words will help keep the peace.Hope this makes sense!
Cheryl A. Phillips
The Daily Blonde
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I’m blonde and Polish. I hear jokes all the time and enjoy the fact that Blonde polish women get so much attention. Jokes are jokes. Meant to be light hearted.
Cheryl A. Phillips
The Daily Blonde
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Oh, I love blonde jokes. Sorry. lol! I’m not blonde, so I guess it’s easier for me to handle! Don’t know many Polish jokes, though.
I agree. A word or two is acceptable, but I have seen some blogs (posts? Sometimes I get confused) that are downright profane. I just go on without comment. There are plenty others for me to comment on, or start my own. We can all use a little self-censorship now and then.
I go to a non-denominational church I refer to as “Penticostal without the dress code“. Penticostal jokes are funny, too, even though we are not all “babbling idiots flopping around in the floor“. lol! My son asked me recently why you see mostly Penticostal and catholic churches in movies. I told him they were the most recognizable.
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
“Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.
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I so agree…we can laugh, have fun…no one is out to hurt someone else. Or so I hope. Profanity is used daily by most people…we can not be protected from that. However, we can just clean up our act a bit. I’d say “shit” and “crap” would not get anyone’s panties in a bunch, but when we go a bit further…yikes.
I don’t have sensitive ears but I’m certainly one who thinks that we can express without being overly crass.
Cheryl A. Phillips
The Daily Blonde
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I am a Christian, but not a saint. I’ve even said “s—-” and “a—” on here!! Here’s a confession for you…the other day when I burned my finger on the stove, my SECOND response was “Lord, thank you that I didn’t catch myself on fire!” My FIRST response was “S—-!“. God may have frowned a little, but He probably smiled a little, too (and thought-Serves you right, you moron!) :)
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A Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then There’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a hoot.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…
Judge # 1—A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3—(Frank) Holy Crap What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…
Judge # 1—Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2—Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3—Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…
Judge # 1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2—A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer…Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…
Judge # 1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2—Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…
Judge # 1—Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those Rednecks.Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…
Judge # 1—Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2—The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…
Judge # 1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2—Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…
Judge # 1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have
reacted to really hot chili?
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**Very Funny stuff… I am not good at this either..Here it goes…If women with BIG busts work at Hooters…Where would a “One Legged” woman work? Answer: I HOP.. heheheh
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texastwintwo: LMAO..thats a good one…heheheh I will remember that one when someone asks the question: Which came first…Nice..
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A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 1 for starters, explaining that even 10 was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
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Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… every time I try to post something it tells me that the session expired !
Quickly.. then… LOVED YOUR POST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Redneck vasectomy- A man and his wife had several children and did not feel they could afford more. A friend told him about this procedure called a vasectomy. Not having enough money or any insurance (sound familiar?), he talked to the local vet about it. The vet told him that he didn’t do this for humans, but explained how to do it himself at home. The vet told him to take an empty beer can, hold it in one hand, drop a lighted firecracker inside, and count to 10.
The man went home, confused as to how this would work, but decided to try anyway. He took a beer can, lit the firecraker and dropped it inside. Then he started to count. One, two, three, four, five. He ran out of fingers on that hand and put the beer can between his legs to continue counting on the other hand. Six, seven, eight…
Works every time!!
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A man was walking along the beach when he found this bottle with a Genie in it. He rubbed the bottle and the genie came out. She told the man that he would get three wishes but there was a catch, his mother-in-law would get twice as much. so he agreed. The genie asked him for his first wish and he said, I wish I had a million dollars, the genie says okay but remember yout mother-in-law gets two million, yeah yeah he says. The next day the man comes and syas he would like a mansion, the genie replies okay, but your mother-in-law will get a mansion twice as big. The third day the man goes to the genie and says I want you to beat me half to death….....
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How to Tell If You‘re Addicted To E-mail
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1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
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