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  • A smoker after 22 years??

    8 posts, 7 voices, 624 views, started Oct 3, 2010

    Posted on Sunday, October 3, 2010 by Cmarlow

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    • Amethyst
      Offline

      My dh and I met at 19 in college.  We married 7 years later.  We have one 10 yr old daughter.  We have both only been w/each other and several years ago he decided he missed out.  We have tried to work through it and have reached a good place w/all that.  He loves to sing and does karaoke at a local bar twice a week and has his own group of friends there.  Because it is a bar, most of the people smoke.  When we met he was very into health and would never have smoked.  I am hugely against it.  A year ago he came home and said he found it sexy and wanted me to do it-at least pretend.  Tried to pretend but started dreading coming home, so told him no more.  He started smoking more-apparently he’d been doing it at the bar for a while.  Our daughter found out and she’s very upset.  Now, going out ends in a fight because I hate smoking and don’t tolerate it well.  I don’t want to be the girl w/the rude guy who lights up walking down the street and the smoke blows in everyone’s face or sitting outside at the restaurant.  He wants me to just accept it and not be “militant.”  He’s decided that we won’t go out on dates anymore but only family nights or parties and we can take turns going on girl or guy trips/activites.  Many of his friends are single and he has the bar where he knows everyone.  I am not sure what to do.  I will join groups and make opportunities but I’m wondering if this is the beginning of the end.  Smoking would be an immediate deal breaker for me if I were dating.  Thanks for listening.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Vikki Hall wrote Oct 4, 2010
        • WOw! There is a lot in that little bit you wrote..... Marriage and any relationship require both to feel good about things or at least not feel like you are going against your beliefs.
          I don’t want to say your marriage is over but unless YOU are the one doing ALL the compromising it just may be. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t stand idly by and be pushed into doing something I don’t want. And HE decided no more dates????? What’s up with that? WHo died and made him King of all Decision Making?????

          Ok sorry! That just really riles me up!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Anne E wrote Oct 4, 2010
        • It doesn’t sound good.  He doesn’t appear to care what you want and he seems to want to do an awful lot of things without you.  Is he there for your little girl? You have got some tough decisions ahead of you. heartbreak



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Oct 4, 2010
        • I have to ditto Vikki!!

          Mid-life crisis?



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Oct 4, 2010
        • Also, let him know smoking really hurts a singing voice. Most bars do not not allow smoking inside, so do they go outside.  

          He sounds a bit controlling to me at this point.  

          Smoking is not only not sexy, but a real turn off when it come to being close, kissing, etc.

          I see your pic and my first thought is what an idiot...beautiful wife and daughter, what an idiot.

          I’m sorry you and your dd have to go through this, but something needs to give. Keep us posted! heart



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jo46 wrote Oct 4, 2010
        • It sounds like both of you are goning to have to face the music sometime...don’t let the smoke get in your eyes! :)  Seriously though, more talk is needed.  Both of you need to stop making excuses!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cmarlow wrote Oct 5, 2010
        • First, let me say that he is a wonderful father.  I leave early for work and he has gotten our daughter ready in the mornings and taken her to daycare or school almost every year since she was a year old.  He quit his gym membership the second she got interactive around three mos old-works out here and there at home but around her/family schedule.  He plans our family road trips and often weekend activities.  When we talked of divorce a few years ago, his biggest concern was not seeing her every single day.

          We do many things together as a family and going out doesn’t happen all that often because we rarely have a sitter.  Yes, during the week and sometimes on a Sat night he will go to karaoke.

          However, a few years back he decided he wanted to “party” more when we went out.  He hates that I don’t drink (and now wishes I smoked) and don’t want to go clubbing.  He had little interest in drinking when we met and I was the one who loved dancing and we’d leave early or not go when we were young because he didn’t like it.  Definetely some form of mid-life crisis.  I think he longs for someone who drinks, smokes, and “parties” more and I think he believes that for some women life doesn’t interfere and he’ll have some beyond amazing sex life-even though compared to what I hear from friends ours is pretty darn good.  It (smoking/party girl) always seems to come up when we go out especially downtown where lots of girls smoke, drink, and act outrageous-usually very young girls.  I have made a lot of changes for him, but often it feels like it’s just not the one thing he really wants/needs?? I feel like I am very attractive and in good shape, dress well and have fun, but it’s not enough.

          Most of the time it(smoking) never enters our world.  He smokes in the backyard around the side and I never see it and it’s usually later at night so I don’t smell it.  I honestly don’t want to go out w/him anymore if he’s going to smoke, but that isn’t good.  We should be able to go out or go away together, but it disgusts me and he doesn’t understand that-he thinks I should be tolerant of it.  What worries me is we work it all out for now in general but then someday my daughter will leave and I will be w/him and he won’t hide and we will be together doing things and it will blow up and be over.  My daughter has even said things about how could I stay w/a smoker...and I know she doesn’t want us to part but she gets how gross it is to me (and her).

          Thanks for listening and all the advice.  We are still talking and trying to figure it all out.  I’ll keep you posted how things go as we move along.



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