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  • Am so tired of defending myself and the fighting

    21 posts, 16 voices, 3094 views, started Sep 17, 2009

    Posted on Thursday, September 17, 2009 by Tammyjoa

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    • Aquamarine
      Offline

      i know i dont have a perfect marriage and i have not been perfect and neither has he, but to continues to throw things in my face everytime there is a argument and act like he has been the perfect husband is starting to make me sick he makes me feel so low about something i didnt even do. how many times in 15 years do i have to defend myself. and why cant i get him to see that going thru my phone and invading my privacy is not the way a man who says he loves his wife acts.. okay here it is i have a affair as he calls it.. there was no sex so i call it a emotional affair.. yes i started to have feelings for this other man. i allowed myself to believe he cared for me when in the end he was like every other man.. (just looking for a free peice of #$@) my husband never had time for me  he worked and came home and went to sleep..or watching tv or anything eles except see that i was sitting in the same room with him.. this went on for years..i let my fear of being alone and needing someone to listen when i talked. i needed to feel love and feel like i mattered to someone, so i opened up to other man.. it got out of hand we kissed. i thought this other man cared for me and needed and wanted me.. i didnt leave my husband for this other man but there was a fight and i left.. and this other man was with me for a few hours.. and thats when i found out what he really wanted. and it ended that fast.. my husband took me back..we talked about it i thought we were working thru it... that was almost 2 years ago to this day evry other day he throws it in my face. i cant have any friends i cant do anything.. i broke my cell last night in half right in front of him. and you know what he did? he laughed in my face.. he said that dont change anything  .. what the hell did that mean.. ???? why cant he see i do love him and want to be here?  what do i have to do?



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lilwhitedaisy wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • Having been in a marriage where i was cheated on, i can honestly tell you that 2yrs isnt enough to get over it ! When a person is cheated on , it eats away at them, they cant trust again until they know they can..You may think that 2yrs is enough BUT you are not your husband. He needs councelling, and so does your marriage, you may think you have apologised and that therefore should be enough and he should move on cos you tell him you love him..ITS NOT ABOUT LOVE..its about TRUST. and that takes a long time to get back. In my honest opinion, if you are unhappy in a marriage, BEFORE you cheat and destroy someone who may love you EVEN if it ISNT the way YOU want them to show love to you, get a DIVORCE, dont and i repeat DONT ever hurt someone just because you are unhappy, i would have sooner my ex husband had said he wanted a divorce and been hurt that way, THAN to ever be hurt by finding out i was being cheated on time after time...as that did more damage to my soul and relationships that came after him, than any divorce ever would have. YOur marriage is in crisis...and you cant fix it alone, you need help and thru that help you will BOTH find out IF there is anything left for you to work on OR whether you should call it quits, but YOU have a lot of work to do , you were the one who broke the trust. He has to work on forgiving you and moving past his hurt and pain..and he is hurt and in pain and you saw that from his actions, he wants you to hurt as much as you hurt him.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Anonymous wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • I have to disagree.. you may call it cheating i do not..as i said there was no sex and it was not even talked about intil the night it was over.... i dont see him hurting i see him being a ass and wanting to control me again and using that as a means to do it.. and i wont let him do it to me this time.. i did that for 15 years  we also did the counceling thing it didnt work for him he said  he would not go again after the secong time.. he said we didnt need it.. so see its not just me its him too..



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • Counseling for sure!

          It takes every person different amounts of time to deal with something and move on. Some can deal quickly where as some may take years.

          First you need to realize YOU cannot make his feelings change. You cannot ‘change’ him in any way, you can only change yourself and heal yourself.

          You say he has been this way for 15 years! The ‘affair’ was 2 years ago. So, it sounds as he has had these issues long before you had the ‘affair‘.  

          Definitely seek some counseling as the ‘affair’ does not seem to be the root of the problem!
          Blessings!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tammyjoa wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • i dont know why tht came out as anonymous....



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Vikki Hall wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • Tammy..... my heart goes out to you.....you may need to consider taking a break tho....this hasn’t been your only issue and you need some non stressful atmosphere so you can think....

          hugs to you!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • In my mind, any ‘indiscretion’ while married is cheating. If I kissed another man, it would be cheating. Major or minor, it is not right.  

          BUT, again, the issue seems to have gone on longer than the 2 years. Controlling men will not change unless they see they have the problem.  

          Again, you will never change him, you can only change yourself.

          You relationships seems ‘verbally’ abusive. Abuse is abuse either way.

          If he does not want to go to counseling, you still can to help yourself.  

          At this time in your marriage it sounds to me like you need to find yourself again. So, my suggestion is counseling for you. Time to take care of you!
          blessings



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Max0125 wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • I agree with all of the wonderful advice above. Is there any way that you could move out and take a breather? I only say this for your safety and piece of mind. I was in an abusive marriage and did seek counseling. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Marya1961 wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • Are you completely dependent on your husband financially?  If so, that can be a problem as it is not always easy for we women to just pick up and leave without means to take care of ourselves.  I do agree, if you have a place to go to for a short time to gather your thoughts and work out a plan for you, then definitely do it.  Let him be alone for awhile and see what it may be like to not have you around.  He may need a wake-up call to realize how important your marriage is to him...at this point, space is the key factor and concentrating on your future with or without him...stay strong.happy



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lilwhitedaisy wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • okay, you may not call it cheating cos you didnt have sex, but you admitted you kissed him, and you felt something for this man!..i call it how i see it! It doesnt give him the right to be abusive , and if your marriage has been rocky for 15yrs....why stay? love? love doesnt go looking elsewhere sorry! love is patient , it is kind, it keeps no record of wrongs...your husband is being emotionally abusive , but in his mind he has every right to be, he is hurt, i can see it in just what you wrote here. I think you want all the woman here to agree that he is the one that is wrong...ITS BOTH OF YOU..i can sympathise with you, your hurt at the way he has treated you in the past, and he is hurt at the way you have treated him..your both hurt, and if he doesnt want to go to councelling THEN YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF the following, can i put up with this man or do i need another..and if the awnser if you need another, then divorce your husband do not use him until you have the love your looking for..NO ONE deserves to be used. Harsh as i may sound, marriage isnt a picnic and sometimes you have to take a long hard look at yourself.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lilwhitedaisy wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • You know like the other lady posted, I have been in an abusive relationship, and i have been cheated on, so i think i qualify as being able to relate some what, with both you and your hubby! i still stand by what i have already posted. But wanted to ask WHY you have stayed so long with someone who makes you unhappy? with someone who doesnt give you what you need? We all get FED UP with our spouses at some time in a marriage, and i have been going thru that myself , BUT at least for me i have happy , better times to look back on, and hope that this is just one of those bumps in the roads that happen to married people, and YES hell yes i want to get away, BUT NEVER has another man gone thru my mind NEVER, i would never hurt my husband like that , not even for one minute of feeling loved , cos i KNOW that sex isnt love..its a part of it, but it ISNT IT. You two are lost, he is lost in his hurt , and anger at you and you are lost in your feelings of inadequacy, of being taken for granted. if you cant talk, if you cant have friends, if you cant be trusted with a phone, and the ifs go on and on...then it isnt worth hanging on to...go your seperate ways...as you will never be happy the way you are right now. there seems to be so much negative in your marriage that i wonder if you can still think of anything positive to say about each other...and it may be a good thing to ask your husband..” tell me something you like about me“...and ask yourself the same question about your husband..do you like anything about him? maybe a break from each other is a good thing...time to fiqure out what your both feeling and if theres anything left to love and work at...if not...go..go and let him wallow if he wont get help, you cant help him there is nothing you can do , he has to learn to trust you and if he cant......................then its over..because its not fair to either one of you what is going on right now. Marriage is hard work and your both underneath a pile of shit ...get some heavy duty shovels if you are serious about staying together.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Angelcart wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • Lot’s of good advice.  I just want to add that I’ve been cheated on by my ex and knowing me, I knew I couldn’t live with it.  Even though you say you didn’t have sex to me it’s still cheating....“emotional“.  I would have a really hard time with that as well.  

          I would ask myself if I truly wanted to stay in the relationship especially since you say he’s been this way for 15 years.  I’m just wondering why you’ve tolerated it for so long.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Seabead wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • Regardless of any issues prior to this, isolating a partner is one of the very first red flags of an abusive relationship and shouldn’t be ignored.  

          Watch and feel the cycle of your communication with him...does it ebb and flow in stress and escalation? Trust your instincts and if you feel that what some of us are telling you is true for you, then call your local domestic violence support group to talk to someone. If you need help finding one, message me.

          Stay safe,
          Deb



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • If  you were unhappy enough to be involved with another man, trust me, it will happen again.  I’ve been there, done that.

          Sounds to me like  you need to get out.  If he can’t give you what you need, why stay?  Why let a man control you???



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mary Clark wrote Sep 17, 2009
        • Get counseling whether you stay together or not.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Clyn wrote Sep 21, 2009
        • My thoughts are this...
          cheating is ANYTHING you hide from youre spouse. What has been called innocent flirting;intimate talks;touching is an emotional cheat.
          I think life is too short for you to be consummed with saving something that you broke that is making both of you miserable. If you really love him and yourself go seperate ways and take time to heal.



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