...and That's When the Fight Started!

My wife sat down on  the couch  next to me as I was flipping channels. She  asked, ‘What’s on  TV?’

I said,  ‘Dust.’

And then the fight  started...

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My wife was hinting about what she  wanted for  our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something   shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3  seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started....  

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded  that I  take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind  the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify  my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left  my wallet at home. I told the woman that  I was very  sorry, but I would have to go home and come back  later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt‘.  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She  said,  ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough  for me’ and she  processed my Social Security   application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security   office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability,  too.’

And then the fight  started....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high  school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My  wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’  I  sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she  took to drinking  right after we split up those many  years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been  sober since..’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a  person could go on celebrating that  long?’

And  then the fight  started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have  the strip steak, medium rare,  please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the ma d cow?“”

Nah, she can order  for herself.”

And then the fight  started...

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A  woman is standing nude, looking  in the bedroom mirror..
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your  eyesight’s damn near  perfect.’

And then  the fight started.....

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I  tried to talk my  wife into buying a case of Miller Light  for  $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold  cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

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My wife asked me if a certain  dress made her  bu tt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight  started.....

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A man and a woman were  asleep like two innocent  babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o‘clock in the  morning, a  loud noise came from  outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man  ‘Holy crap. That must be my  husband!’

So the man  jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the  window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a  thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could  go.

A few minutes later he returned and went  up to  the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah,  then why  were you running?’

And then the fight started.....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly  dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped  quietly into  the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a  torrential  downpour.

The wind was blowing 50  mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the  radio, and discovered  that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly  undressed, and slipped back into  bed.

I cuddled  up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years  replied, ‘Can you  believe my stupid husband is out fishing in  that?’

And then the fight started  ...

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I  as ked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?  ”

It warmed my  heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.  “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”  she said..

So I suggested, “How about the  kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight  started....

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My wife and I are  watching Who Wants To Be A  Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to  her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she  answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at  me this time,  simply saying “Yes.”

So I   said, “Then I’d like to phone a  friend.”

And that’s when the fight  started....