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  • Catholic can better relay

    6 posts, 4 voices, 682 views, started Jan 23, 2009

    Posted on Friday, January 23, 2009 by (華娃娃) ChinaDoll

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    • Diamond
      Offline

      - We like to keep Mass interesting. We sit, stand and kneel, in no particular order. Probably just to keep the blood flowing.

        - It’s not Merlot and Ritz they‘re serving; it’s the Flesh and Blood of Jesus. No, really.

        - Forget a big meal afterward, just pick up some of the breakfast tacos they‘re always selling after Mass

        - Purgatory.

        - We all have 20 cousins. On each side of the family.

        - Infant Baptism isn’t dumb; it’s after-life insurance.

        - $5.00 in the collection basket is the epitome of generosity. Anything more than that, someone has hit the lottery.

        - A missal is a book, not a weapon. However, it has been known to pull double duty.

        - The signs we make aren’t just a mark of respect, they‘re a lot of fun to do.

        - Every Catholic Guy tries to sit next the really hot girl they like at Mass. This is because they really want to hug during “Peace Be With You” and hold hands for the “Our Father”

        - We really like statues. A lot.

        - After every confession, everyone hits themselves on the head. This is because they have realized that they forgot that really big sin, and they know that it’ll hang over their head til the next time.

        - Contraceptives? Why?

        - Altar boys continue well into their twenties.

        - The 14 Stations has nothing to do with TV.

        - “Peace Be With You” is just a way to meet pretty girls.

        - We’ve always been taught that celibacy til marriage is the only way to go, forever and ever, amen. That being said...

        - “Sin on Saturday. Pray on Sunday. Confess on Monday“.

        - The Mass doesn’t start for a few minutes not because of tardy parishioners. It’s because the priest is running late.

        - The Virgin Mary is not a God and we don’t treat her as such. But she is without sin, gave birth to Jesus and did it without having sex. That warrants more than a little respect.

        - 11:00 a.m. Mass means 11:15.

        - We actually get all the jokes in Dogma.

        - There are two very different, irreconcilable factions in every single church in the world. They are known as the Saturday or Sunday Mass bunch.

        - St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. SNAKES.

        - You miss JPII more than you miss some relatives...

        - Bake Sales are a way of life.

        - Your knees are more calloused than your feet.

        - Priests have been giving us alcohol since we were little kids. No wonder any one of us can drink Protestants under the table.

        - The Catholic way of dealing with a mid-life crisis is having another kid.

        - Mass is nearly unchanged after almost 2000 years. We‘re a little stubborn.

        - Catholic School Girls.

        - Whatever you gave up for Lent, you have it in your hands at 11:59 p.m. Saturday night, counting the seconds til midnight.

        - Episcopalians are referred to as “Diet Catholics”

        - You either love or hate the Stations of the Cross. There is no middle ground.

        - We all know Da Vinci code is bogus and inaccurate. Yet we’ll still read it if nothing else is goin on.

        - “Offer it up!” = “Quit bitching!”

        - We have Midnight Mass so there are no interruptions on Christmas morning

        - You’ve slipped out an Amen after the Pledge of Allegiance.

        - Holy Water can kill just about anything. So Protestants are pretty much screwed if a vampire comes calling.

        - There’s no way to explain it, but Catholic girls are just scorching hot.

        - There’s no need for impromptu prayer; you can always fall back on the Rosary.

        - Pope Benedict XVI scares you. Badly.

        - It’s not uncommon for just one family to take up an entire pew or two.

        - Boondock Saints is the greatest movie ever. E-Ver.

        - Confession. Enough said.

        - You‘re of the opinion that Stephen Colbert should be Canonized.

        - When in doubt, say a Hail Mary.

        - Who created Family Guy? Oh yeah, a Catholic!

        - Whenever anyone in Star Wars saga says “May the Force Be With You“, we get the urge to say “And Also With You”

        - The Pope does indeed wear a funny hat. But it’s way more interesting than Joel Osteen’s suit and tie.

        - If you see a guy leaning forward, looking half-dead with his head on the pew in front of him... he’s not praying. He’s hungover and was guilted into coming to Mass anyway.

        - Even though you never met her or been to a country she’s been in, you‘re still willing to have “seen” a miracle by Mother Teresa.

        - We‘re the oldest Christian religion. Period.



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