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  • emotional & physical affair

    25 posts, 17 voices, 896 views, started Jan 19, 2009

    Posted on Monday, January 19, 2009

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      Carnelian
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      My husband when we met had a female friend whom I was always under the impression was a “friend“.  As time went on  learned otherwise.  he always dropped everything for her, they met secretly, all of this i found out after 13 yrs.
      My husband was married once before and has a son from that marriage whom he has custody of so that means he lives with us and our son we have together.  This step-son has alot of behavioral problems.  He is very disrespectful to me and i mean to my son.  things have gotten really bad and in 2007 my husband says he couldn’t handle the fighting between his son and I.  So, he turned to this “friend“.  He lied to me for a week, he was with her this week and they slept together.  I have always had a feeling that there was sonething more,  He told me she was his soulmate and no one would take his “friend” away from him. I found alot out from this “friend” he told her he wanted to be with her, that he was getting a divorce, and wanted to slowly introduce her and his son.  I never would have found out about this if i hadn’t looked in his cell phone.  I pulled his ass out of church when i found the text messages.  These two have been nothing but liars, deceiving, and she was married up until 7yrs ago and her ex knows nothing about the friendship at all she hid it from him all these yrs.  They were friends for 20yrs.  He all of a sudden realized he loved me.  He says he took me for granite. No all i have been is a conveniece for him with his son.  i love him, but i do not love him like i used to and i dont think i am in love with him anymore.  so any top 20 list is really to me a joke.  Exspecially when i did half if not all of those things.  I was misled for 13yrs.  and it really pisses-me-off.  this step-son has done nothing but try to break us up and he is really doing a good job.  My husbands mother has told this kid that he does not have to listen to me that i am not his parent.  I have nothing to do with my husbands family at all.  His son was in a group home for the last year and is now back home living and upto his old antics.  He got kicked out of the group home because of his behavior so now we have to start all over.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Felicia Wynne wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • Hi,

          I’m so sorry for what you are going through, that isn’t right, and I’m sure you are hurting.  Although I’m a “newbie” I wanted to reach out and let you know that I also went through a difficult time in my marriage, not the same as your situation, but nonetheless hurtful and confusing.  

          Again, I’m sorry this is happening, I’m here if you want to vent.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Inakika wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • What are you planning to do now? Do you plan to leave? Work it out? Can it be worked out? It sounds as though he is ready to leave you and take up with his friend.
          You need to start concentrating on what you and your son are going to do, since he is concentrating on his future with “her“.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Vikki Hall wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • You definitely need to ask yourself some questions on what you want for your son and yourself. Your answers will guide you once you are open to listen to you heart and head. I know you must be hurt, angry, confused and a ton of other stuff. You also need to realize that we generally take our relationship lessons from our parents. So you need to be careful what your son sees and hears. It really isn’t about him tho. It’s about you and your relationship with your husband. Anything can be overcome if there is commitment, compassion and forgiveness. Are you ready to do that?
          Only you know those answers. We will be here to support you either way with tissues and strong shoulders.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Inakika wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • OOOHHHHH. I feel you.
          I had an incident with my husband cheating and the girl confronting me. Needless to say, it did not end nicely.
          It was hard to trust him again. Every time he walked out the door I would wonder where he was and who he was with. I started driving myself crazy.
          Then one day I came to the realization that I can only be accountable for me, I can’t worry myself to death over what he had done. Worrying will not change what he may or may not do, but I had to change how I was reacting to it.
          I know it’s not easy, but you‘re going to have to decide for yourself if you‘re going to keep letting the affair disrupt your life.
          Has he maybe done something recently that makes you believe he may be up to no good again?
          I can understand you not wanting to break up your home life and take your son away from his dad, but if he is messing around again do you really want to subject your child to that?
          If he’s not messing around and he’s making an attempt to work things out, then you may want to think about counseling to help you work through what you have been through.  You’ve been through hell and back, girl. I applaud you for your courage.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • I am so sorry this has happened to you.

          You need to do your own bit of soul searching and find the place in life that is right for you and your son.  

          I know your son would not want to leave his dad, but you count as well.  

          Does your son know what his dad has done or the kind of man he is to even be able to do this? Will this type of behavior ‘rub’ off on your son? Are you truly be happy? These are some things you need to ask yourself.

          You deserve happiness and someone you can trust!

          We are here for you...



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          1restlessnative wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • You are obviously a very strong woman for having endured and held on to these emotions for sucha long time.  I admire your spirit and your dedication to your family.  We should all stand up for what is right and what we believe in...and only we can judge for ourselves what that and what that means in the lives of ourselves and our children.  

          Take care and know that there are other women, and children of women who have been in that position who want you to do what is right for you.  Only you can decide that.  

          Strength and Beauty to you...

          In my culture...we have a prayer....and in English it is interpreted as “Walk in Beauty“...

          Walk in Beauty...

          Tanya



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • I pray for wisdom for you and may you have peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Vikki Hall wrote Jan 20, 2009
        • Inakika gave you great advice about not worrying about him....only worry about what YOU can do. It is completely up to your husband to earn your trust. It is not something you have to work on. It is not your job to help him to earn your trust, he has to do it. He also needs to realize saying sorry just doesn’t fix it. It all takes time.
          There is a book out there written by a couple which is very good. Gives good perspective into the opposite sex. For Women Only and For Men only. They are by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.

          Many blessings.....



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Linni wrote Jan 20, 2009
        • i agree with all the women here.. not much more i can add except:

          if trying to work it out fails it is NOT ideal for you to stay there with your son.. it really does more harm than good.. been there done that..

          it is a decision only YOU can make, and we are here for you every step of the way!

          i will keep you in my thoughts and Prayers

          Linni



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jomi wrote Jan 20, 2009
        • Lisa,  I am so sorry that this has happened to you.  You do need to decide what would be best for you and your son.  Trying to make your marriage work is a good, yet difficult thing.
          I hope you rhusband is being honest with you. I hope he also realizes how important it is to build trust in your relationship again.
          Is he now willing to give up this friend? If not, in my opinion, how can you trust him or her?
          I’m praying for you!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lvn4me wrote Jan 20, 2009
        • I agree with Jomi, there should be no contact from now on with this “friend“.  If he wants to rebuild the marriage, there are steps that he needs to take to build your trust back.  Total transparency on his part is a must.  

          Is he remorseful for what he has done?  I’m not talking about being sorry he got caught, but being truly sorry for shattering the spiritual marriage between you two.  If you feel that he is sincerely remorseful and is being totally transparent with you, then he is trying, at least.

          As for the son, wow, I wish I had some advice for you about him.  I agree, you need to let his father deal with him, but he seems to be helping in the upset of your household.  There may come a day when you have to say “Enough is enough“.

          I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.  Sending you many hugs and prayers to help you heal.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jean Walter wrote Jan 20, 2009
        • Lisa~ This is an extremely personal and up close blog... I think in some way we have all had “trust” issues.. for me, once that line has been crossed i don’t think there is enough counseling in the world that can bring it back..
          Especially with a spouse.. there will always be that vulnerable part of you that will wonder.
          Having gone through something similar and having my own blended family, I realize the ups and downs that can separate and compromise our relationships...
          Children always get caught up in the middle of this..they feel the tension and the stress and they will react and reach out in ways that we don’t understand.
          I will be praying for you and your family.  I hope you can find some peace and comfort in knowing that you are not alone!

          ~jeanie



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          Linda Hendricks wrote Jan 20, 2009
        • I’m so sorry you are going through this... I think all the comments have been good and supportive... I can’t add more to it... I just want you to know that you are in my prayers...  

          Linda



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jsrn66 wrote May 23, 2009
        • Hi everybody,
          I’m pretty new to all of this, but I was very interested in this topic.
          I have a husband who is a drinker, who is emotionally unavailable, has a hard time w/ communication and it drives me nuts. I’m a very talkative person and I like to communicate things when something is wrong. Well, he just tunes me totally out.
          I have not had a physical affair, but think of it often. I want someone who will meet my needs, both emotionally and physically. I want to feel excitement again. I want to feel “alive”
          I do think that I am presently having an “emotional affair” which is what an article in a magazine I read was called. I have a friend from 20 yrs ago who lives in another state and all I do is think of him. When things are good, I want to tell him first. When things are bad, I want to tell him first. He is receptive to a point. We email, txt, and talk once in awhile and sex does come up. He just isnt consistent and a constant in my life but I want him so badly to be in it. My husband knows I’ve had contact, but doesnt know that its still going on now for almost 2 yrs.
          How can I find happiness at home and leave the rest behind?
          I’m just at the point where I find the littleist things ab out my husband annoying and I feel like I want something new and refreshing in my life.
          Any thoughts? Would love to chat.
          Jackie



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