Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.

  • Feeling like a loser mom..

    +1
    Love it
    27 posts, 20 voices, 1448 views, started Sep 14, 2008

    Posted on Sunday, September 14, 2008

    •  



    • inactive
      Amethyst
      Offline

      Ever feel like you are a loser mom?  Gosh, lately, it’s how I feel constantly.  I feel like I pretty much suck in everything right now, but I always felt like I was a good mom.  Now I feel like I suck at that too.  I just feel like I can’t do much more and I feel like I’m spreading myself too thin, trying to do too much, yet I feel like it’s not nearly enough.  I know I sound crazy.  Maybe I am!  I thought as we got older, things were supposed to get easier, not harder.  UGH.

      +1
      Love it


      •  


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Coco27 wrote Sep 14, 2008
        • I feel like an unsuccessful mom because my kids and I don’t talk about anything really meaningful and I think we should.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lisa Fleming wrote Sep 14, 2008
        • As spread out as my kids are (23,18,7,5) I sometimes feel like I was dumb to start over again. Being a mom is a really thankless job. But I think if you are aware that you screw up at times and try to change it your‘e doing a fine job. Also I found if you take time for yourself your kids will have more respect for you.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Vicki49 wrote Sep 15, 2008
        • I was so glad to find this subject.  I was feeling exactly like this a week ago.  I have a 21-year-old and an almost 12-year-old.  I never really felt this way with my first one, but last week I got this terrible sinking feeling that I had done something wrong with my second one and had let him down somehow.  He’s not as sociable and open as his sister was and seems to have problems making friends.  It’s not even so much that, but he seems to be almost invisible to the other kids.  I know that I see a side to him that others don’t and he’s such a sweet kind that I hate to see him floundering.  I feel helpless, like I can’t do much for him without smothering him or making things worse.  We did have him begin seeing a therapist last week.  I thought it might help him to talk to someone who he doesn’t have to worry about upsetting or making angry.  I just feel like there’s something I could have or should have done and didn’t.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lisa Jander wrote Sep 23, 2008
        • “Life’s like an hourglass glued to the table...” as the song goes.
          When I went through the “I could have done more” phase, I found that in a strange sort of way, that made me a better mom. It was maybe God’s way of saying, “Ok, not much longer under your roof so you better make the best of it.”
          We all do the best we can but the little nudge to do even better comes from a mother’s heart.
          Whenever i start feeling that way I say “Ok, what can i do right now to make a difference?” It might be writing my son a note, texting (yes I do!) my daughter, baking cookies that I haven’t baked for them in 10 years... You get the idea.
          I have to fight the negative stuff and spin it to positive or I will sink. That’s what keeps me afloat.
          Lisa



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Inakika wrote Sep 23, 2008
        • You know, I think that we moms put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect. We see the mom down the street who seems to do everything right and we feel guilty. We buy cookies instead of baking for the bake sale and we feel guilty. But we must stop being our own worst critic.

          Have you noticed how men just let things roll off their backs? They analyze it, process it and move on. We analyze and analyze and analyze. Finally, we process it but never seem to move on. But we must. Our best is all we can do, after all we are human and bound to make mistakes.
          Pattiejo, you are the best mom you know how to be, these darn kids don’t come with instructions! (wouldn’t that be nice) Just hang in there, girl.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mksactown wrote Sep 23, 2008
        • OMG...You are all soooo right on!! We DO put too much pressure on ourselves to be the “Perfect” mother. Ladies...there is no such thing!!!! It doesn’t exist!! You‘re right, Inakika. Kids don’t come with instructions. We do the best we can and move on. Pattiejo, you probably are spreading yourself too thin. I know exactly how that feels. You wish you could be frickin Wonder Woman and solve all the problems. But with mistakes, there comes learning. And our children learn from our mistakes. And they grow to better adults with us NOT doing everything for them or giving them everything. My boys are in their twenties now and they TRULY thank me (believe it or not) for NOT giving them everything they wanted when they were younger, because they feel good about themselves for working for what they got. Pattiejo, don’t be too hard on yourself, girl. Do the best you can do and move on.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sdlight wrote Sep 24, 2008
        • Great comment and excellent suggestion. We moms do beat ourselves up so much when we really should simply accept the fact that we do the best we can and that’s all we can do! Stop analyzing and start being yourself and your kids will be okay.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          M2pjulie wrote Sep 26, 2008
        • I’d be ok with just being a “good” mom, I don’t even try to aspire to be the perfect mom anymore. My 18 year old daughter finds me useful as her ATM and problem solver (ie “Momma, my cell phone’s broken and my social life is ruined. Fix this for me.“), and my son needs me each night about 9:30 so I can rub his sore neck and arms, and scratch his head til he falls asleep. Otherwise, he has little use for me. He thinks he’s big and independent because he won’t accept cash from me - but he will from his DAD! Explain that, please - the money comes from the same bank account! I don’t understand it.  

          I look at the hands of these two people and remember how minute they were just a short time ago, when they would grasp my fingers to cross the parking lot. I look in their eyes and still see tears swimming in them when the neighbor’s dog scared them, or they fell in the yard. Now their eyes hold contempt and condemnation. Their voices used to be such a joy to hear in the morning, chirping good mornings to each other from room to room. Now the words coming from their mouths are an embarrassment, and I’m ashamed of them. I actually dread having people come to my house because I never know what will pop out of these kids mouths. I try to make them “hear” what they‘re saying, but they just criticize me and say that’s how all the kids talk now. Something they called “ghetto.”  Gutter is more likely.

          I called my mother a few days ago and asked her to think back to when I was 16 or 18 years old. She actually groaned! I asked her if I was really that bad, and she confirmed that I “pretty well had my head up my butt so far I should have been able to see my food digest.” I told her that I never doubted her love for me, but asked if there was there a time that she just really didn’t “like” me. Again, she confirmed that was the case. So, I asked her, is it normal for me to love my kids but really not like being around them? She said it was perfectly normal. She also assured me that it is a stage that will pass and, in time, I would find a deep friendship with them both that would surpass any friendship I’ve ever had before. Her words brought peace and hope.  Then about 2 minutes later, my daughter called telling me she wasn’t feeling well and asked if I’d make her a doctor’s appointment in the town she’s going to school in.  (“Are you serious? Go see the school’s infirmary, child.“) I could have screamed! I guess I have a way to go before I reach that point of paradise my mom was talking about.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Penny Michaud wrote Sep 26, 2008
        • I have 3 daughters..17,14 and 7 my 17 yr old has been showing me such disrespect OMG, I dont even know what to do. I am divorced from her father and am remarried but my husband now says “i am not her father, I cant help you.”

             i am losing it with her and I decided to send her for a few days with her dad...He is having agreat time letting her go out til all hours of the morning! What punishment..he said shes changed soo much i am just trying to feel her out..see what she likes..Now what do I do? I have tried taking away laptop,cellphone etc. any advice out there??



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Leeann wrote Sep 26, 2008
        • My Grandma told me that our kids are loaned to us and they grow up and fly away. I love being a mom . I have had trouble with my 17 year old. My mom moved in three weeks ago and she is dying. My son woke up. I think he realized life is so short. I really enjoy being a mom. I do take breaks . I think everyone needs time away. If you can get away it helps. If you can’t leave the house than tell the kids you are going to your room. This is your time. Sometimes I just sit in the bath or I take walk or I sit in the backyard with a cup of tea. It works really well.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Penny Michaud wrote Sep 26, 2008
        • leeann6107

             I am sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom back in Novemeber. It is very hard to go thru. Appreciate all the time you have and keep relying on your faith to help keep you strong! Grab those long baths when u can!

                         Penny



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Penny Michaud wrote Sep 26, 2008
        • Thanks for the comments and also for listening and I am glad that someone else has been thru this cause I was feeling like the worst mother in the world. I cant get control cause my hands are tied ...I dont know where else to turn! I used to have a great relationship with her, so i thought until the boys/young men got involved lol...men! lol... anyway I really am trying hard to not beat myself up over this but i am really feeling like I failed her!



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Erin Speed wrote Sep 26, 2008
        • My kids are also 17, 14 and 7.  I am also divorced.  My 17 year old did not like my limits either.  She kept telling her friends that she hated me and she was going to move in with her Dad. She would lie and get caught and was doing things that were totally unacceptable. So, the hardest thing I have EVER done was pack her backpack with some clothes and when I took her to her part-time job (last Year) I then called her Dad and told him to pick her up.  She chose to stay.  She comes home every other weekend and often think of all the guilt I have for sending her to live with him (he is a cheating , lying, son-of-a-bitch)...she is stronger and more mature and has actually gotten herself together. She has all A’s in honors classes and is a senior in HS.  I was doing too much for her and trying to RATIONALIZE with her...you can’t rationalize with a teenager! Her Dad would just say “yes” or “No” and be done with it.  I have had many regrets for doing what I feel like I had to do but in the end..it saved our relationship and more importantly, my relationship with my other children.  Good Luck!



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Leaannie wrote Sep 26, 2008
        • I’m gaining a breath by listening to you all and knowing I“m not alone.  Our beuatiful 22-year-old daughter has put us through Hell on earth the last few years, and we were and are now (without her) a very loving, functional, Christian family.  

          She had everything going for her, but chose and still chooses to throw it all away and make the dumbest choices available.  We kicked her out 2 years ago—the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do, but the only thing left.  She blames me for everything wrong in her life, even though I was a very on-the-job, stay-at-home mom who homeschooled her, did everything I knew to do to give her the best start in life I could give her, but it all counts for nothing with her.  Sometimes I hate her, but God has given me the strength to forgive, even though she is still arrogant, manipulative, deceitful, and I think a psychopath.

          My other 3 kids, 12-19, are fantastic and that keeps me off the window ledge.  God keeps reminding me: “If you‘re gonna take the blame for her, you gotta take the credit for these other three.”

          You never think it will happen to your family.  You do everything you can to prevent it, but they make up their own minds and there’s not a thing you can do about it but pray.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Vicki49 wrote Sep 27, 2008
        • Thank you, Jane.  It was really hard to realize that maybe he needed someone other than me to talk to.  But he has had three sessions now and I can already see a difference.  I guess it was more difficult for me because his sister (who is now 21) was completely the opposite.  In fact, my husband used to kid around and say, "does she have to share so much?"  I really appreciate your input.  I guess as moms, we still need "positive reinforcement" ourselves.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          M2pjulie wrote Sep 29, 2008
        • My daughter blames me for everything that’s gone wrong in her life, because I no longer am able to bail her out of sitations she gets herself into. She’s now legally an adult, though a far cry from actually being one. Still, the law is on her side, and I can’t fix her problems anymore.  

          I can remember when I was a teenager (was it REALLY that long ago?) and when I do, the memories are not pleasant. I blamed my parents for everything - from having no clean towels to dry myself with to social/peer pressure issues. Never did it cross my mind that I had no clean towels because I didn’t take time from my social schedule to wash them, I expected my mother to do it for me and restock the closet when they were folded. She refused to coddle me like that, and (now) I applaud her for her stand against me. And as for social/peer issues, who knew at 17/18 years old that designer labels didn’t make the person? The parents were, again, right in their decisions to not allow me to push them to live beyond their meager means. I had clothes to wear, nice clothes really, just not designer. (Whoop Dee Doo.)  

          The first time I truly listened to the lyrics of “Hurt“, by Christine Aguilera, my father had just survived a massive heart attack a few months before. I literally had to pull my vehicle over and stop because I was weeping too much to drive safely. The truth of her lyrics rang true to me as if they were coming from my own soul, my own past. Since then, the song has become something of an icon for me.  So, when my own child began blaming me for everything going wrong in her own life, I began to hope maybe one day she would discover the truth of the song as well.

          In August when my daughter left for college, I had burned a cd for myself of “mood music” (ballads really). One afternoon as I was taking her back to school, we listened to the songs together. Clearly, we weren’t exactly talking, I mean please! “Hurt” was among the songs we listened to, and I recall peeking sidelong at her to see if she was feeling anything. She was mimicking singing the song into her hairbrush (yeah, really) but it wasn’t reaching her. She knows the words - she just doesn’t feel them. Yet. Perhaps one day??  

          Anyway, if any of you have heard the song, but haven’t really “listened” to it, I’d encourage you to do so. Not because it could make you melancholy, but because at some point we probably all blamed our parents for our own shortcomings. I think reinforces the fact that eventually the tide does shift; and at that moment, the kid inside becomes an adult and true remorse will settle in. It certainly did for me, I think somewhere around age 23 or 24.

          By the way, while my dad’s health is still not terrific, I do still have him to call and visit and I honestly adore him. I know, hands down, that my shortcomings were/are my own, not his or my mom’s. They had their own - but were never the cause of MINE. I’ve taken the time to sit with my parents and apologize to them for how awful I was to them as a teenager, and to tell them I really appreciate their stance against me. I respect them, and believe they’ve shaped me into the person I am today. I’m a little nutty around the edges, but all in all, I think I have my @#%^ together as well as anyone else.  :o)

          Take heart, my friends. We’ll survive!



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          M2pjulie wrote Sep 29, 2008
        • For those who may be interested, here are the lyrics to “Hurt“.

          Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
          You told me how proud you were but I walked away
          If only I knew what I know today

          I would hold you in my arms
          I would take the pain away
          Thank you for all you’ve done
          Forgive all your mistakes
          There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
          To hear your voice again
          Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won’t be there

          I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
          And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you
          Some days I feel broke inside but I won’t admit
          Sometimes I just want to hide ‘cause it’s you I miss
          You know it’s so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

          Would you tell me I was wrong?
          Would you help me understand?
          Are you looking down upon me?
          Are you proud of who I am?
          There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
          To have just one more chance
          To look into your eyes and see you looking back

          I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
          And I’ve hurt myself
          If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
          I’ve missed you since you’ve been away

          Oh, it’s dangerous
          It’s so out of line to try to turn back time

          I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
          And I’ve hurt myself

          By hurting you



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Shirlann wrote May 23, 2009
        • Think everyone goes through that feelinghappy



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Coachmombabe wrote May 23, 2009
        • After some of the stuff my boys have done, I have certainly felt like a loser mom! But they are growing up (slowly) and beginning to show signs of actually having learned something from their parents. There is hope. I think sometimes we may have the idea that by age 18 they are pretty much done, but the truth is far from that. Don’t lose hope! Keep doing the mom thing, it will pay off eventually! Just maybe not exactly how you always imagined it.



                Report  Reply



  • Parents of Tweens and Teens View Group »

    Discuss Issues, Challenges, and Joys of Parenting Tweens and Teens