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  • Forgive Me

    23 posts, 16 voices, 705 views, started Dec 31, 2008

    Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2008

    •  



    • inactive
      Carnelian
      Offline

      I always try to be positive, not only here but in my real life.  I try to live my life each day like the blessing it is.  I am still here.  I am still breathing, but why?

      I am just so damned angry right now.  I can’t stop crying.  I just have to vent.  I’m sorry, please forgive me.  My energy should be sent to Louisa.  But I can’t I am just going nuts in my head.

      WHY does this keep happening, why is hurting a women the answer?  how does that solve anything.  Shooting someone is just so stupid and senseless and ignorant.  

      WHY am I crying uncontrollably?  I don’t know Louisa, we’ve never even met.  We’ve never chatted, we’ve never talked.  I just want to get in my car, drive to NJ, go to the police station and spit in his face.  Maybe deep down I am not better than he is.

      The worst of it is that I am reminded, yet again today, that given the chance, I can’t say I wouldn’t kill my own abuser....I said it.  I mean it.  I want to pretend I wouldn’t but I don’t know.  I want to think I am better than that but I am not sure.  I am typing like 80 words a minute right now.  My legs are shaking.  I am just so pissed off.  

      How can we stop this  we have to stop this it just can’t keep happening and nobody stopping it.  The courts can’t do anything they’ve been neutered.  It is just so damn senseless.

      I want to stop and pray for Louisa again, I want to pray for her and every other woman or child getting the crap beat out of them today.  I can’t stop crying.  TWENTY STUPID YEARS AND I CAN“T MOVE ON...I JUST WANT IT TO STOP HURTING I WANT EVERYONE TO STOP HURTING GOD WHY CAN‘T YOU HEAR ME?  

      I am so sorry friends, I’m sorry.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          UK Girl wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Honey I'm very sorry about what has happened to you. It must be very hard when people see continued domestic abuse and nothing palpable is ever auctioned to stop it.
          In the UK it has taken the horrific death of a very cherubic baby boy known as Baby P for us all to reflect on violence in the home ......



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          Holdonloosely wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • I hope you can feel my hug right now. We all need to pray for strength and be there for each other. And never apologize for your feelings happy



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          Inakika wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • This is why I love Fab40 ladies, they are here for you through the good and the bad. I always say that this group of ladies is like having a sister everywhere. I know I have a sister in Pennsylvania, one in Hawaii, a few in N.Y., sisters everywhere. With those kinds of numbers we can’t help but be blessed.
          Louisa has that many sisters praying for her and then some.



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          Cynthia Schmidt wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • I just came in and logged on and first of all I’m so very grateful to say, I’m Ingrid’s sister in Hawaii. And, deep inside, all of us are sisters. We are bound by gender and our hearts are connected.

          Lori, you can rant, rave, cry, scream, whatever you need to do here.

          This horrible incident has prompted me to visit the vday website.  I lit a candle. I’ll light one every day. I’ll scream to heaven to be heard if I have to. The violence has to stop.

          Lori, the only way to get this accomplished is to bring it out in the open. You‘re doing that now. Your emotions are completely justified.



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Lori...you know we are bound and connected in many, many ways...I feel your pain as you feel mine...We are here for you and we love you..Cry your tears for they are the tears of cleansing and healing...

          My ‘Memories’ story comes in two parts..I wrote the other part late last night, but it proved to be more painful than the first one..I had to break that one down into two parts and I realized that my fears are still as real as if I were still caught up in it..I’m spooked more now these days and my mind is playing tricks on me..Will this ever end?..I don’t know...but what I do know is this has to end...



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          Darla5 wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Lori,

          I am sorry that this baggage is coming back and the emotions that come with that. We can feel the pain!!!  

           It has made you who you are today .The soul that hurts to the core when she had to lay people off at work .The heart  that can encourage others when they are hurting and  the cheerleader when they need uplifting.

          There are times we never really understand the difference between empathy and sympathy until we have personally walked down that road.

          I have had a storm in my past also. It hurts to talk about it and  there was a part of me that died and will never be restored. I have never shared it here and shared my soul with a few select people. Through it all it made me less judgemental of others because we never should judge others until we have really walked in their shoes.  

          My heart breaks for all of this madness.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Psalmist wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • mrslorid, i just logged back on, and i know exactly how you felt.  i had to stop and take stock of my own runaway emotions as well, but you did the right thing.  i know because i did the wrong thing years ago by turning it all inward and it very nearly killed me.

          this group was formed because of the publicity of what happened to Louisa, but it wasn’t formed for her alone - it was formed for you, and other sisters like you, who have/had no one else who would, or were able, to listen.  i understand your pain because i too suffered abuse, both as a child and as a teen at the hands of unrelated sources, so your anger is more than justified.

          You did not take away from Louisa, you added to her because you refused to let your anger hold you hostage any longer.  Whenever you feel like you‘re going to explode, do it here, you‘re amongst friends...more than friends, you‘re among, say it with me, “SISTERS!”  I am so happy for you right now.  Continue to pray, continue to cry out to GOD, continue to heal, continue to grow.

          One more thing, a very wise person told me this years ago and it is what brought me back from the brink of insanity.  "If you don't understand why God let happen what happened and you are angry at Him, let Him know! Don't hold it back out of some old-fashioned notion. He created us in His image, and He gets angry too, so He's big enough to handle our anger, He's not afraid of it or us. HE's *GOD!*"  So let 'er rip and let it out.  Not only will it keep the channels of communication open, but it will free up so much of your inner space.

          My love to you, and all my sisters here.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Lori...scream and scream some more!

          When i found out that my sisters ex had beaten her, my first thought was to kill him. when i hear of the abuse done to you my first thought is to come and help you kill him!!

          The laws need to change, and become much tougher on the abusers.

          The women being abused need to know that there are people out there to help them and that they are not alone. There needs to be programs to help more and have more shelters available to the women. Programs to help them get back on their feet.

          I was hit once...he probably still has a scar on his face from the picture frame i used to defend myself.  

          We need programs to help women to learn to empower themselves and realize their own self worth.

          I wish i was there with you to give you a big hug and let you know you are NOT alone ever!!!



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          Coachmombabe wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Lori, you are right it’s all so senseless. I’ve heard it said a million times “Hurting people hurt people“. It’s true, but it offers little comfort. If I were sitting with you right now I’d put my arms around you and just hold you and we’d cry together. Obviously your pain is very deep and unhealed. Louisa’s tragedy brings everything afresh.  

          I’m so grateful for the fab 40 sisters. There’s so much love and support here. Open up to it and soak it in. Allow the love and acceptance to be as a soothing balm to your woundedness. You are loved!

          Blessings,
          Cindy



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          Lilibet wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • I just read about Louisa. I am in shock. I now realize how vulnerable I am right now also. My abusive husband has a warrant out for his arrest as of 2 weeks ago and i can’t get any answers to where he is right now. We have been separated for 6 mths and now he could be anywhere.

          Lori I understand. I could kill my husband right now too. The anger is so great it has turned to rage. Especially since reading about Louisa. We need really strict laws and more information for the victims. Why can’t I find out where my husband is, when he got out of jail, if he is doing the required alcohol treatment & anger management? Our court systems are so screwed up!



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          Jacquie6363 wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Hi Lori, I am so sorry to be reading that you had experience such awful abuse.  You apologize for taking away from Louisa, but as one of our sisters said, you didn’t, your experience will be a big help.  

          You will be able to challenge your anger into something positive to help women such as yourself, to get help from such cowards.  Also remember, that God will not allow you to take more than you can bear.  No matter what, don’t let go of His hand, He promised to be always near for us.

          Unfortunately, it seems as though the laws are geared toward protecting those darn cowards, but with our strength and determination, WE CAN change all that.  Cry your cry and get it out and then move on...

          ((((HUGS))))



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          Almostfive0 wrote Jan 1, 2009
        • Lori, never be ashamed of your feelings. You take nothing away from Louisa but in fact you have brought even more attention to this terrible epidemic And it is an epidemic.

          I sit here in a puddle of my own tears as I read everyone’s comments and having flashbacks of the abuse that my mother took at the hands my alcoholic father and it is palpable.

          It is shameful that in this day and age women are still treated like property, as though we are less than.  

          I am you, you are me. We are all sisters...what happens to one happens to us all.
          Never forget that none of us are alone.  

          Send your prayers and thoughts of love not only for Louisa but for the sake of all humanity. We are hurting. This can not continue.
          Much love to you Lori and to all my sisters throughout the world.
          Carol.



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