Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.

  • Frustrated and Tired

    +1
    Love it
    29 posts, 18 voices, 1250 views, started Oct 22, 2008

    Posted on Wednesday, October 22, 2008

    •  



    • inactive
      Aquamarine
      Offline

      So... here’s the deal.  Last year, October, tension between my husband and I began.  Even when I look back all I see is miscommunication and misunderstanding between he and I in our day to day conversations and dealings.  We went to counseling.. we changed some our behaviors... determined to practice unconditional love... so, things were going better until around March of this year.  Honestly, I know that I changed my behavior because as I purposely endeavored to hold my tongue, consider my thoughts before I spoke, and train myself to look at all views when my emotions of anger began to overwhelm me.  I had comments from not only the kids, but some close friends that I was happier and more joyful, even smiling all the time.  The most interesting thing in all of this is that I began to workout and treadmill more.  My self-confidence increased and I carried myself differently; also observed by my friends.  My husband became jealous.  Then other men began to approach me, both in public and online (via my social site facebook).  I did nothing to solicit attention.
      Since July my husband and I have just fought, ie. heated discussions regarding how I am changing and he sees himself as not changing.  Other men are attracted to me and just talk to me randomly.  He has had a negative attitude for over a year and his words are negative and sarcastic.  Some of our friends have made comments to me on the side, after we have been together as couples eating dinner, or as families hanging out on weekends around one of the pools, that he is sometimes offensive.  He doesn’t get it.  I have had conversations with him about how his words hurt me.  I have given him some examples of how his words have even hurt our kids.  Just two weeks ago, I thought I had gotten through to him, as he began to think before he spoke and was even a ton of fun to be around... but now not so.  The last thing he said to me yesterday was that I obviously had grown over the past year and he hadn’t.  He suggested that I needed a husband who could fulfill me sexually, emotionally, and give me what I deserve, as he didn’t see that he fit that place any longer.  I shared how I felt while we were growing apart, we probably weren’t done.  But in my heart I felt “done” since the beginning of summer.  I feel disconnected and needing something more, soon!  I am frustrated at the continual arguements, and tired - literally!

      +1
      Love it


      •  


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Anna Aguilar wrote Oct 22, 2008
        • HANG IN THERE! I‘M GOING THRU IT TOO! ONLY IT‘S THE OPPOSITE MY HUSBAND HATES THAT I GAINED WEIGHT AND HE IS VERY VERBAL ABOUT IT.  I CAN‘T TAKE IT ANYMORE.  I NOW STARTED TO LOSE THE WEIGHT FOR ME AND IT MAKES HIM MAD THAT I‘M NOT DOING IT FOR HIM (HE TOLD ME THAT!) HONESTLY!  THE QUESTION I HAVE FOR YOU IS ONE THAT I MYSELF CAN‘T ANSWER      ” IS IT BETTER TO COME FROM A BROKEN HOME OR LIVE IN A BROKEN HOME?”  I‘VE BEEN STRUGGLING TO ANSWER THAT FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS.  I ONLY GAINED 20 POUNDS SINCE WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED (15 YRS AND 3 KIDS LATER).  TURN TO ALL OF YOUR GOOD FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND GOD! FOR PEACE!



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 22, 2008
        • Yes...it sounds like your growth is too much for him to handle and he feels he has to continually berate you and put you down to vindicate himself...been there too...And I hate to say..it didn’t end well...You get tired of trying and justifying and then you wake up one morning and realize that the fight to stay together is gone...

          562mom is right...you really need to ask the question she posed...

          I’ve got a few more for you...
          How do you keep someone in your life that doesn’t want to be kept?
          Do you really want to keep someone around who can’t appreciate your ‘growth‘?

          I will pray for you and what you are going through...So many of us have been where you are and I hope you find the answers that are right for you...

          Denise



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 22, 2008
        • No...not at all...You and I have something in common..I too have not worked in 13 years...I worked for a while when my oldest started school...and then I got married and had my middle child...I was put on bedrest with her and never got back out of bed..(smile)...So yes I had to consider that when I left my ex husband...and still I KNOW I made the right choice for us...

          I have grown so much from the person I used to be when I was with him and when he offered for us to try again (days before I married my new husband) I had to laugh...He definately would not like the person I am now...I am so much stronger and strength is what he hated...he had to have control of me...

          I’m glad you are honest with who is tired of whom...that’s a good thing...So many people want to play the blame game when things are not right...One thing I did to was admit to my ex, the roll I played in our marriage failing, although it still didn’t justify him cheating...nothing justifies that...

          When considering the children, please, please consider this. They pick up so much from us, they‘re like little sponges and they absorb everything...We might not know it while we‘re in the midst of things, but it always comes out, you best believe it...They do deserve better and you know this...Things will be okay...God knows what you are going thru and He will give you the strength and insight as to what your next move should be...

          If you don’t mind...I’d like to stay in touch to see how you are getting along...You and I are more alike than you realize...

          Denise



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Bobbi Bacha wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Shari, did you ever think maybe he is wanting you to find a reason to leave him because he wants out of the marriage, and is looking for a reason or fault either on his side or yours.

          When he told you he didnt satisfy you sexually or other wise and someone else could, it was clear that he was telling you that he didnt want that role or he felt inadequate to fullfill that role.

          Is it possible he may be seeing someone else ?  The signs are pretty clear to me that he wants out and he finds fault where there is none, and now he is telling you to find someone else.. it would make it really easy on him if you did is what Im thinking. .. So you need to find out why he is making life so difficult and why he keeps sabotaging the marriage... could be someone outside of the marriage.  

          Worth a look under the rock.

          Having said that, when your partner is not happy and wanting out.. you could have dinner on the table everynight on time, house immaculant, kids in bed and you could be naked in a bed of roses every night and he will still find a problem.. and something would be wrong.. its not you... sounds like its him.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Singingheart wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • I just started on this site an on my gosh to see I’m not alone is so helpful.  I have three kids too, 9, 12 and 13 and have pondered the same questions as 5622momof3.  Is it better for the kids to be FROM a broken home or live IN a broken home?  I feel disconnected from my family, and have not helped matters.  Although I feel better about myself in some ways because of a virtual relationship, I also know it is not helping my family situation.  But honestly, I have been dying.  He is a sweet man in a lot of ways, but what does a wife do if HER needs are not being met by her chosen mate?  So I guess I have no advice, but I wanted to thank you for posting.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sweetnsassy wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Hi Shari. First I want to say my heart goes out to you in a most compassionate way.  I’ve been in similar situations and it’s no fun. You’ve been given some good advice and ideas from friends on this site.  I don’t mean to lay blame but I tend to agree with the fact this seems to be your husband’s issue.  You’ve done your part and if he hasn’t made attempts to make some changes of his own he may have “lost interest” in the relationship.  If he wanted to save the marriage I would think he would accept and appreciate YOUR changes and realize you‘re making these adaptations for the sake of your marriage. I do hope the best for you.  Remember, don’t ever second guess yourself, who you are as a woman and always know you never have to settle. YOU ALWAYS HAVE CHOICES.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Desi~lu wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Shari,

          First I just want to tell you, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  Second I really don’t have any good advice for you, but I can share my experience with you.

          I stayed married fifteen years to a very verbally and mentally abusive man in the home.  Outside of our home, everyone thought he was a wonderful man and couldn’t believe it when I finally left him because of health issues.  He was literally killing me being in that relationship.  Nothing I ever did was good enough for him.  Two months after leaving him, every health issue I had disappeared.  That’s when I knew withough a doubt I did the right thing.  About a year after divorcing this man, I got many apologies from old friends as well that found out his true colors.

          Down side, my children were 14, 11, 9, and 7 when I left him.  Today those same children are 24, 21, 19, and 17.  My oldest son has nothing to do with me.  My seventeen year old daughter and I have a very strained relationship.  (She lives with her dad) The other two come around often.  I never told my children why I left their dad and they blamed me for the whole break up.  Our family had been so dysfunctional for the entire marriage that my children didn’t know anything different.  The two that come around me, I encourage constantly to go see their dad.  Their dad has told them many lies about me.  My 19 year old son has seen the true colors of his dad through the years and doesn’t want alot to do with his dad but I still encourage it.  Why?  Because even as awful as my ex was to me, I would never wish upon him the pain that I have suffered because of my oldest son not speaking to me.  I have two grand daughters that I never get to see because of all of this.

          There are no easy answers.  The one thing I can tell you, I am happier then I have ever been in my life with my new husband.  On the 20th we celebrated our first anniversary together.  To have someone in your life that loves and accepts you for who you are is so much better then being miserable.  Also being alone and on my own with just my children was much better then the constant cruelty that I was exposed to with my ex.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Flymom801 wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Shari,
          I definantly can relate to your situation.
          I’m seeing a pattern with my relationships, so it makes me think .. ‘it must be me‘. I have tried my entire life to “do the right thing” Maybe I’m confused as to what that is? 6 months ago i married (what i thought was) the most wonderful man alive. My kids love him, My big fat Greek family loves him, even my dogs love him. But it seems he pays more attention to them then he does me. I don’t know call me a “complainer” i guess or selfish. But i would love some alone time time with my husband. At first he was complimentary and romantic and and supportive, and just an all around good guy.
          (which... don’t get me wrong , he still is a good guy) But i cant serve him dinner naked (as mentioned earlier) there’s always something going on with the kids. If he spent as much time with me as he did Playing Monopoly with the kids. maybe i would feel better.
          He comes from a different background than us and he was an only child. (granted we are both 40 now) But i guess that since he didn’t really have the BIG FAMILY LIFE he is making up for it now ..  

          sorry not trying to steal the show. But emotions just started flowing thru my fingertips and i couldn’t stop.
          I’m hoping that with what i read in this blog it may help me see the light also.

          Now back to your storyhappy . I don’t necessarily think your husband is cheating, i just think that most men like us to feel inadequate, makes them look good. And after all .. Its all about him ... right?? just ask him..

          thanks for posting and listening
          btw this is my first day on this site ..
          GREAT INSIGHTS!



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sandy Ochoa-West wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Sharri66, been with my husband for 15 years, he is an alcoholic and can be verbally abusive when drunk. I have struggled with leaving and we have actually been seperated 3 times but God always told me to go back and not give up. Besides my faith what has been instrumental in getting me through is a book by Stormie O‘Martian called “The Power of a Praying Wife” one of the first prayers starts of as “God, you know my husband is the last man I want to pray for“!There are days when I can barely stand to be in the room with him, but when I allow myself to pray and see him through God’s eyes, the way I feel about myself and my situation changes. I’m not giving you advice on how to save your marriage, but believe it or not this is how I save myself and my own sanity!!! I’ll be praying for you



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Dana Arcuri wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • I totally understand where you are coming from and I have been in your shoes before.  Two years ago, my husband and I had similar marital problems and we separated.  Miraculously, we started seeing each other again, we decided to save our marriage, went to counseling, made several changes and eventually restored our marriage.  

          In December, it will be two years that my husband and I got back together and reconciled.  It has not been easy to go from a DEAD marriage to a marriage with love, passion and respect, but in all honesty, I believe that it was truly God that transformed our marriage relationship and each of us individually.  Without God, we failed miserably.

          I highly recommend BOTH of you to see together the new movie called “FIREPROOF.”  This movie is about a married couple that are having a very difficult time and thinking about divorce.  Without telling you the details of the movie, this movie was EXCELLENT!  This movie proves that marriages can be restored, that there is hope, that your marriage matters so much.  You have gotta see it!

          In addition to the movie, there is a book from the movie called “THE LOVE DARE“, which literally will help you and your husband to take 40 days to work through the workbook and start moving towards restoring your marriage.  Even if your husband refuses to read this book, I recommend that you read this book and work through it on your own.  It will change the way you feel, it will beak down the barriers between you and your husband, it will teach you important steps to loving your husband regardless of him loving you back, forgiveness, being selfless, and it will open up your eyes to see things about yourself and your husband that you may never have thought of before.  

          Have hope and faith that with God, your marriage can be restored to a much happier, satisfying, enjoyable, passionate relationship than you can ever imagine!

          I dare you to read the book “The Love Dare” and I dare you to give your marriage 40 days.  Please check out the Fireproof website at www.fireproofthemovie.com/ and
          www.fireproofmymarriage.com to learn more about the movie, the book and how to restore your marriage.

          If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

          God Bless,
          Dana



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Shari...I really don’t think infidelity is your husbands problem..I believe it’s your growth...You mentioned that things changed once you started to change your attitude towards some things...This is my opinion... And growth can be a hard pill to swallow especially for the person who’s not doing the growing.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Shari...we can’t figure out men...just like they can’t figure us out...We‘re wired differently...One would think he would want to grow...even for himself...but men can be like little boys...and sometimes they‘re not ready or willing to put away their toys and grow up...That’s a harsh reality that a lot of women face unfortunately...



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • As far as the remarks...He does that to make himself feel big...put you down gives him power that your growth has taken away from him...I know it’s confusing...even a double saying...but when my ex used to tell me I wasn’t worthy, I learned to recognize that something I was doing was so right that it intimidated him...so to make him feel like he was still the ‘big man on campus‘...he had to defile me...I got so immune to it that eventually he saw that it wasn’t even worth it to berate me...because I ignored him...(inside I was dying a slow death though)...and that’s when I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that it was time for me to make my exit...If I’d stayed...God only knows what effects it would have had on my daughters...they might have grown up thinking that his treatment of me was the norm and to not expect anything better than that from their husbands...I couldn’t live with that...They are better for my decision and I see it everyday...There’s nothing like a happy child!!!!



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sandy Ochoa-West wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Most men can’t handle changing because then they would have to admit that something is actually wrong with them and that just about kills em!! My husbands way of solving issues is shove them under the rug, pretend they don’t exist and hope they go away. Let’s just say from floor to ceiling in my house is about 4 feet from everything under that rug!!!!! I keep my eyes on Jesus and take care of me. My son is under the umbrella of God’s protection. He is a great kid with good grades, a great sense of humor and an awesome heart for God and other people.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Gina Venturini wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Hi Shari,

          I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. I had just posted the blog a few days ago about sharing my husband with another couple.  

          I don’t feel that your husband is having an affair
          But he does seeem to have a problem with your growth and maybe he is feeling insecure and inadequate about himself so instead of appreciating you, he uses the opposite approach which is constant criticism. Maybe that the only type of communication he was taught.  

          The decision you have to make is whether or not you want to try and save your marriage. If you indeed want out then you have to do whatever it takes to make you happy.  

          Raising your kids in a loveless marriage is not healthy for you or them.  

          I will keep you and All the other women that posted here in my thoughts and hope that you can be strong and be able to deal with whatever decision you make.  

          I will be taking my husband to see Fireproof hopefully this evening.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          VICKY CORYEA wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • hello, let me say I can identify with lots you are saying. I left my marriage of 30 years due to it becoming dysfunctional and toxic.
          His behavior was abusive on occassion, usually after my 2 teenage sons left the house.  

          I will never go back!!!  we have been separated and he has caused nothing but multiple incidences  and put us in danger. Yes, I have a PFA court order.

          Do not ever think its better to stay in an unhealthy marriage. My son remarked to me one day, all he remembers is us fighting. Is that the memory you want your kids to have? I respected myself enough to finally get out and my 2 adult children live with me. I want to say, some things are not meant to be saved. Maybe GOD has given you his answer...
          Good luck to you, you deserve a happy life!  vicky



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Bobbi Bacha wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • Shari, In my business all the things you said and wrote are all warning signs of a cheating husband.  When you wrote he has already accused me of cheating... Alarm bells should be going off.

          A cheating spouse will always try to accuse the other spouce of what they are doing or intend to do as a matter of justification for his or actions.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sandy Ochoa-West wrote Oct 23, 2008
        • I don’t even know what to say. No wonder your confused. I’m out



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sweetnsassy wrote Oct 24, 2008
        • Hi Shari. I’ve been thinking about you. I haven’t seen the movie, Fireproof, but I plan to. I hope you can somehow convince your husband to see it with you. Movies have a way of influencing the audience, allowing them to (safely) place themselves in the situations portrayed on screen.  This may help your husband come to terms and allow him to realize others face similar problems in their marriage.  It could also give him some ideas on how to “fix it“. He may still care but may not have a clue as to the resolution.  I think his agreement to see the movie with you could be a good indicator that he is still interested in your marriage.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Stephanie wrote Oct 24, 2008
        • your not doing anything wrong, you are being considerate and thoughtful. You should never hold back your personality to please someone else, even if it is your husband.

          You are beautiful, its not your fault that men approach you!

          You should explain to him that he should be happy and even confident that he has you, because you may talk to other men (in public, etc-friendly of course), but you are his wife, and  you are with him at the end of each and every day.

          Please keep us posted about how this goes, keep your head up and stay strong, everything will work out.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jsrn66 wrote May 21, 2009
        • I feel like I’m hearing my own story with a few differences.  I know this subject was posted awhile ago but I’m still going to comment.
          I have been married for 15 yrs and have a 13 yo teen daughter.  My husband is a drinker.  He is also not what I envisioned in a husband.  I want caring, support, romance, connection, communication, & great sex!  I’m getting very little of the above.  We constantly bicker.  He has called me nasty names. I have dumped his drinks on him just to shut him up.  I just feel totallly lost in my marriage.  I feel like I should leave, but I cant leave my daughter and I dont have the means of support.  We just  had a wonderful vacation together and when we got home, everything was the same again. What do I do ?  I dont know.  Hopefully I will get some insight being in this group.



                Report  Reply


        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Victorious wrote May 14, 2010
        • I think your husband is depressed about the fact that you have been able to make positive changes and he does not know how to start.

          I think you should try to include him in your daily efforts. What you can do is to start it like it is a date. some of your suggestions can come after a passionate night with him. heartheartheart



                Report  Reply



  • Fighting to save a marriage View Group »

    to help give advice and encouragement