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  • Have We Forgotten About Our Young Women of Today?

    +4
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    55 posts, 14 voices, 2053 views, started Mar 12, 2011

    Posted on Saturday, March 12, 2011 by Denise Richardson




    • Diamond
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      Just the other day while at work I was sitting and charting on my med sheets I over heard a conversation being carried on by two young women that seemed to be around the ages of 21 and 23 there were three of them out of the group one of them were married and she basically was the one carrying the conversation sharing with the others about the abuse in her marriage from her husband.

      They all swapped and shared dating stories of abuse from past lovers, I for one couldn’t believe what I was hearing, where are the parents of these young women hasn’t anyone spoken to them about not taking the abuse and staying in an abusive relationship married or not?
      I just couldn’t belive my ears, the young woman that was married I had my suspensions of abuse in her relationship and she confirmed it through her conversation with the others.
      I’m not understanding why these young women subject themselves to such a things when they don’t have to put up with it. Are the father’s around, where are the brothers of old? I remember my brother’s would jump at the chance to fight if a guy tried to put their hands on me or one of my sisters, but we never had to deal with that because the guys in the neighborhood knew first hand that we would fight as well as my brothers being on stand by lol.

      It is so sad to know that these young women are dealing with this and no one knows of their pain. After I was done with my charting I did sit in on the conversation as if I heard nothing and they began to open up to me and ask me questions and I shared with them my thoughts on the subject I only hope that what I shared with them helps and they heed to what I said. My prayers are with them.

      +4
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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Diane17 wrote Mar 12, 2011
        • This is a really sad situation, Neicy.  With divorce so rampant these days, unfortunately a lot of kids are growing up without dads.  Also, they might have grown up in households where there was this type of abusive behavior and maybe they think this is normal.  My mother’s father was abusive and she ended up in a an abusive marriage as well.  I was very fortunate to not end up in this type of relationship but I’ve heard it is a vicious cycle.

          I’m glad you were able to share your thoughts on this subject with them and I’m sure you gave them some excellent advice.



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Mzd3 wrote Mar 12, 2011
        • Im glad you were able to sit in and give some great advice, hope they listened !



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 12, 2011
        • heartThanks ladies my prayers are that they listened and God will intervene for them.



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 12, 2011
        • Neicy, I’ve been in your shoes, being the one to give the advice.  Not sure if they hear us or not.  I find it sad too that these girls are settling for this kind of behavior from their partners.  

          I agree, your brother and mine would have beat the tar out of any guy who mistreated us. But that was back then.   If a girl’s brother did that nowadays, the brother would go to jail for assault.  It’s such a screwed up world we live in.

          I think part of the problem is that nobody is teaching boys to be decent, responsible, true men.



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Joy Pachowicz wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • I know it’s hard to understand why people allow abuse

          but sometimes.. allowing the person to abuse is the  

          only sign of love people see. they equate abuse with love.

          Myself I kept silent about abuse because I was  

          taught by my church that it was good to suffer in silence

          or that the person is not bad .. its the devil in them

          doing ths..suffering was equated to pleasing God.. not

          wanting to complain ..  

          Many things factor into why people are silent about abuse.

          Fears.. afraid of losing love. that really isn’t there.

          I belong to a group ptsd.. and we have many good people

          there. and if you want to know why people allow abuse

          you need to become part of that group..It’s not easy  

          to explain .. it’s something only those who go through  

          understand..  

          Sadly .. people from the outside of abuse make judgements

          from the outside.. Skilled professionals enter into  

          the world of the abused without making judgements.

          The best approach to take toward an abused person is

          on of non judgement.. and one of solidarity. and like

          Niecy said as though you don’t know .. in a spirit of  

          wanting to help..

          When one is abused.. judgement is not something they are

          needing..even if the abused appears to be foolish for  

          allowing the abuse.. that is still an appearance : there

          are reasons.. That is why theri is the field of  

          Psychology and there are psychologists and psychiatrists  

          and counselors. THey have the tools to approach  many  

          different types of people

          Peace..love and prayers..

          Joy



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Joy I’m so glad for you getting help and what you shared is so true, blessings to you.



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. - Harvey Fierstein  

          I just ran across this quote on FB.  How do we instill this in those girls we try to help.  Somehow I managed to teach all my daughters this, but is there any way to teach it to girls who are already 21 and up and we‘re trying to help????



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • WOW! Tulip I love the quote and I wish all those who are an abusive situation could see this and gain enough strength to get out.



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Joy Pachowicz wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • HI Denise...

          Thanks. there are always many things that remain from view.



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        • +3 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • But Joy, how do those of us like Neicy and I help these girls we run into practically daily who are going thru this???

          Accurate judgements?  I think we’ve ALL been around enough to know what abuse is!  When my co-worker comes to work with a black eye showing thru her make-up, I make the judgement that she’s being abused.  I’m not judging her for it, I’m just thinking someone needs to go beat the living shit out of her husband.  

          And frankly not a one of these girls I know is going to go see a counselor of any sort much less a phsycologist.  In the first place, they can’t afford to and in the second place, none of them would be willing to.  That leaves it to we older women to try to help them as best we can.



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Quoting Tuip: And frankly not a one of these girls I know is going to go see a counselor of any sort much less a phsycologist. In the first place, they can't afford to and in the second place, none of them would be willing to. That leaves it to we older women to try to help them as best we can.
          Well said Tulip!!!heartheartheartheart



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Hello Joy correct me if I’m wrong in your reply,_HI Denise..._

          Thanks. there are always many things that remain from view. and when its a thing of abuse..many times the only ones qualified to make accurate judgements are those in the field of Psychology. Sometimes when non-qualified people voice their opinion or judgements in a situation . .things can get pretty rocky.. since they are still seeing it from the outside.  

          Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Therapists usually get the inside view and when they take an approach most will take the non-judgemental .. person centered approach.  

           were you referring that I was assuming abuse when I merely said I overheard the women chatting about their situations, because I for one never will try to take the place of a psychologist, psychiatrrist, or a therapist even though I feel I could flourish in those areas if I so chose to go into those fields?



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Joy Pachowicz wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Denise:  

          No .. I am making general statements..

          I am not referring to you helping or anyone..

          I state there are things we don’t know

          sometimes  

          I know in my case.. what happened to me..  

          I was told things would get worse if I took

          help from anyone ..the abuser threatened  

          worse if  I sought help.. I was to take the abuse

          and even mentioning I would take help for

          something simple set him off.. he watched every move.

          So .there are circumstances we don’t see in  

          every situation not just in the one you referenced.

          There is harm that can be done and there is good.

          The only really equipped to  approach the abused

          person is a psychologist.  

          WE can approach them in our unqualified way  

          with suggestions but really .best we can do is

          invite them with us.. to a place where thy can

          hear it’s wrong to be abused.. Invite them ..we  

          go too.. . .so they don’t feel singled out..

          Just my opinion and I am  speaing from  

          the ideas set up by Carl Rogers..  

          I hear the stories of abused people in a locked  

          forum..there is just so much people don’t know.

          Joy



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Joy I just wanted to get it clear and understood again I never judged I only gave what I know to be accurate advice and it doesn't have to take a rocket scientist or a degree to want to help someone in their time of need especially when they are talking about it out in the open looking for help and advice, and advice is what I gave because they eventually asked me for it and not a therapist, like Tulip said which they probably can't afford. Jesus is my help!



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Joy Pachowicz wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Denise as I said it’s not about you helping and I  

          am not speaking of your desire or anyone’s desire to help.

          Made general statement. .asI know from experiennce..

          There are things people don’t know..

          An outsider wanted to help me. .if i would have let her.

          I would have been in graver danger.

          I am all for helping people I do so all the time.

          Just in cases of abuse..if the abuser finds out..

          things get worse..  

          I am not referring. .to your story.. Your story  

          just reminded me of many stories of abuse .. I have  

          heard and my own.. so I made a general statement. .but I  

          think I will go back to where I was for the past few

          weeks.. take care

          Joy



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Joy Pachowicz wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • I wish you all good luck . .take care : God bless your work

          I



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        • +4 votes vote up vote up

          Cathie Beck wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Joy... you are 40 or over.  

          My problem with you is that at your age it makes far less sense to me than the girls half of your age choosing to stay in an abusive relationship that they Know is wrong. You just had
          a job that you could walk out of and go home to family and friends.  

          From seeing what is on TV and in videos, I can see some young women less than half of your age may be silly enough to want to copy the drama of celebrities.  

          Cathie



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        • +4 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • [Link Removed] why do you run all we‘re trying to do is get a better perspective of you and where you are it just seems to me and I’ll speak for myself that you are always on the defensive and just because you say you‘re in school for a degree in what ever catagory of therapy doesn’t make you any better then me or anyone else who wants to give advice to those who are hurting from it! Everyone can use some advice if it is going to put a spot light on the subject for them. Just because you feel you’ve been through it doesn’t make you a pro at giving advice on it as well so if you feel you need to run back to your little corner of the world I think its best if you can’t stand the truth and understand that some of us here are only trying to understand you.


          Neicy, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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        • +3 votes vote up vote up

          UK Girl wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • well said Neicy ......



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • ((((Annie))))LOL,




          I am humbled at your response and I give all praise honor and glory to God for his infinite wisdom that HE bestows on me never will I ever give out any advice to anyone that I myself wouldn’t want to take thank you all for seeing me as the person I truly am and try to be there for all those who come here for love and friendship because this is what I’m all about!heart

          And to add there is NO!  God Spirit Filled church on this earth that would allow anyone to be in an abusive situation and NOT step in to help, and if we claim to be so spiritual and so into the church and God well doesn’t his word tell us to try the spirit by the spirit and if you‘re filled with the Holy Spirit you would have gotten a check in your spirit about this character along time ago and no way would God allow you to be in this situation, and to add insult to injury, ain’t no way on God’s green earth would “I” allow anyone to make me go anywhere without any money to set up in another city broke!? I think not what does that say about they themselves just my 2 cents!happy



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        • +3 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Joy, it would be nice if you’d stay and share your viewpoints and instead of just going away offended.

          The whole point here is to share our views so we can all learn from each other.

          I will be the first person to admit I have no idea what goes on in the head of an abused person.  It’s something I totally don’t understand and if I’m giving these young girls I work with the wrong advise to help them, then I would hope someone would point that out.  

          As it is, I try to always give them the same talks as I would my daughters.  It’s worked for my girls, they‘re strong independent women who don’t take crap from anyone, so I always assume it will help these other girls too.



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        • +3 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • All I’m gonna say is this crap of ” have a nice day” is rude and dismissive. Why when challenged do you smugly post it?
          This is the second time I posted here and on this subject but have no idea where it went so this is the very short one.
          I for one find you to be like a little kid. Smart assed in your responses and dismissive of an intelligent response back.
          Joy have a nice day and yes I am being dimissive.



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        • +3 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Love it @Cris & Tulip!!!heart

          @ Joy also I might add that maybe this is why you as well as so many others go through the ordeal of abuse because they either refuse to tell someone or the world of those who are so closed minded to the fact refuse to step up and help out like me, Tulip and others may have tried.



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        • +3 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Tulip, I was abused for years and it takes two. It was also my fault for putting up with it. Everyone can at some point say enough and get help.
          I wish she would stay and hold a conversation. I’d respect her more.
          Cris



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Niecy, I for one love the advice you have given me. Even when I first didn’t understand it was said with love and experience. Those girls and all here are lucky you care so much.
          Thank you
          Cris



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • @Cris, that is part of my ministry WWJD!? I thank you my dear friend I’m always here to lend a helping hand a lending ear or whatever one may need assistance in if I can so provide it, again to God be ALL the glory!hearthappyxoxoxo



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          UK Girl wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Joy  it's not so much the Have a nice day which bugs the hell out of me but what I found condescending was "_God bless your work"_  

          I agree 1000% with what Annie said I have known Neicy since the day she joined which is almost as long as me and she makes this a site a pleasure to be on - you can see her natural warmth and wisdom shine though - most people who give advice here are from the school of hard knocks as in they have learnt the hard way and they speak from experience - as in they have the badge , cap and t-shirt and could write the book ..

          So maybe instead of saying have a nice day in a passive aggressive manner you stayed and just spoke with us you would understand - that way at 40+ you wouldn’t get in abusive relationships with your boss or go to an abusive church and you would know some people had your back



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • @UK Girl....Now let the church say "OUCH!!!! and Amen lol!"



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Wouldn’t it be great if Joy would want to be part of it. At times I see a compassionate person and others well I grind my teeth.
          Joy you should welcome us not try to fight it. If your not here for support or friendship why are you?
          Even when I’m wrong all will be there if I ask.
          Women here are true to themselves and others .
          Why won’t you even try?
          Cris



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • @Cris and all others, I love this I only hope that you Joy would come and respond back to us because it will not only allow us a chance to better understand where you are and who you truly are but it will also give us a greater opportunity to assist you in your time of need if you so desire to accept it, we're NOT here to beat you or anyone else down, as you should see we ARE about sisterhood here and this is part of why Yana created this site and I for one am so grateful to be a part, I love each individual equally and yes some of us have grown closer to some than others and that will take time but for the most part we are all here to share a sisterhood- friendship so IF you'd like to be a part of our "Clique"  so you put it in a previous post of your's let go of all your inhibitions and join us and not fight with us because we here are about love, joy, peace and happiness!heart



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • ok my 2 cents... I know I know!  

          I minored in psychology so I know best!! lmao j/k

          Anyways...
          Like an alcoholic a person abused is usually in denial, and that ain’t no river in Egypt. They believe they deserve it, or they are scared of leaving the abuser, and many times afraid of what others will think.

          Until they hit rock bottom, they will remain in the situation. Only they can decide to leave. As friends and caring people, like Neicy, we can offer help and ideas and let them know we are there for them. Hopefully before it is too late they will ‘wake’ up and smell the blood and get help. Sadly, as stated above this can many times cost money, money which they do not have. There are shelters, but sometimes they are full and cannot allow more in.

          All we can do is, BE LIKE NEICY, and show them compassion and love and let them know there are people who DO care and that they are worthy individuals who do not deserve the abuse.

          If anyone touches my girls, I will go to jail as momma will be kicking some serious ass!! I just hope I have taught my kids that abuse is never acceptable and is never deserved!!

          As for the HAVE A NICE crap. It’s just rude and comical and childish. We get your sarcasm and no one finds it amusing. The women here, including myself, are highly intelligent individuals and I find your dismissive attitude offensive. If you had only taken the time to be polite, you could have had some awesome advice from some amazing and talented women. Just my 2 cents worth!

          Have a nice day!



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          UK Girl wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Well said Chris.....

          Joy when I joined this site it was at the darkest time of my life - my beloved older sister had committed suicide and I was at a deep loss but the ladies on Fab made me laugh and cry and yes the lights came back on - so stop fighting with us and let your hair down and have a laugh at the moment your making us all uptight and angst ......

          So as we would say in Manchester “get over yourself and get a life” you can’t carry round the burden of an abusive boss for ever - you need to look forward not backwards



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Well said Cris, Mz.T, UKgirl. (((Helloooooooooooooo))) paging Joy~aka Busygirl, we want to help you, we're here for you! Don't let the devil ride with you come on back and get the love, help and friendship you so need and I know you desire, we're here.



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • I for one am so damned proud to be here and be part of our sisterhood. Tracy you are so right it’s there when we asked for help. I didn’t soon enough and being the abusee was my fault as well.
          Joy part of me just wants to scream at you for you truely don’t know what your missing.
          Joy.... As a woman , as someone that has been defeated by abuse and rose above it , as someone that is dying , someone that would truely be lost without this site... I promise you welcome and a shoulder if you would just let down your barriers. But joy if you keep on this path of attacking and smugness I for one will not let you berate women that have lifted me up when I was so low.
          Your missing an opportunity of growth and love and if you are as smart as you claim which I have no reason to doubt you will be art enough now to embrace this olive branch.
          Cristen



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Perfectly said Annie.
          Joy the rest is up to you. but here’s a start
          Welcome Joy.



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 13, 2011
        • Yessssssssss Welcome Joy we‘re so happy to have you join us. We look forward to getting to know you better.



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        • +3 votes vote up vote up

          Ladybug10 wrote Mar 17, 2011
        • Joy, welcome...there are reasons for everything and no one is trying to judge you life is a journey, i don’t believe that there is one person at this site that hasn’t had a bad day or had someone in their lives that needed a friend to listen to, to comfort, and to share some wisdom where possible, we are here to build each other up not tear down,God Bless you on your journey and I pray that you understand what they were all trying to say...Live strong and take care



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 18, 2011
        • Hello Ladybug, thank you for your comments, loved it!



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Djo1 wrote Mar 18, 2011
        • IMHO...A closed mind will only cause blindness for a lifetime.

          I believe that if a person is filled with compassion it is only human nature for them to want to help others that are struggling in life. I also believe that what may work for one may not work for another...we are all different.
          Opinions are great and it gives each individual food for thought that may turn out to greatly help someone.

          So...if Joy does come back and reads all the comments with an open mind and doesn’t look at the words as being an attack she will have crossed a hurdle. If not, all we can do is pray that she finds peace within herself.



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Cathie Beck wrote Mar 18, 2011
        • You Ladies are a great, compassionate bunch! ;oD  

          I feel there’s something hinky about Joy and I hate to think of what her purpose for joining this group is about without fairness and compassion, but..... she’s responded to us like a feral cat we‘re trying to save that is trying to claw us to ribbons and I have a strong sense of self preservation to survive. So I’m all for, throw the wild cat down and back away! It has clawed its way through life this far so why think it needs me to save it?  

          Yeah, I expect some back wash over this, but I can take it without dismissing you all with a
          “Have a nice day.“. ;oD  

          Cathie



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Cathie Beck wrote Mar 19, 2011
        • Annie, I didn’t think you would dismiss me since you haven’t. ;oD   I can be obnoxious at times with being all about me and my opinions too, but I’m not oblivious to the sisterhood here and don’t expect you all to always agree with me. Not being agreed with gives me a reason to Think, and it tells me I’m cared about.  

          Whatever comes of this, I’m going to stand behind you with a jug of water! Cats hate water!  

          Cathie



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