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  • How much of "desire" do you think is psychological?

    120 posts, 16 voices, 2364 views, started Jan 2, 2009

    Posted on Friday, January 2, 2009 by Saylor101

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    • Garnett
      Offline

      I love my husband, respect him, & appreciate him immensely - been married 14 years & have 2 boys 7 & 10 - we had the usual bs issues, but no major strains in our life at all - he is the kind of person that EVERYONE likes - always, 100%, w/no question or reservation, truly, always.  He is a decent father (not good at initiating but takes suggestion well), a great provider.  And about 4 years or so ago I just simply lost all sexual interest in him.  ALL.  I was never outgoing or adventurous with him anyhow - why I don’t (really)know- hes always believed that I have no real interest in sex (his words, formed from his opinion - we never talked about it..) I’ve always been relatively open & direct about most everything - in this with him I have not, & don’t feel comfortable to -WHY?  

      Well wow - this was a lot to tell - I do believe it is psychological - but how to get past it.....studied enough humanities, sociology, and psychology that I know what councilors will ask....  

      I suppose that what it boils down to - is that I’m trying to decide if we should stay together, it doesn’t seem fair to stay together when I feel he deserves someone that would exude passion for him, & I truly would love to experience passion/lust & desire again.......



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Lust & passion has left me probably 6 months after the honey moon.  I don’t know what to tell you and I am awaiting for someone else to comment here.



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          Leadinladytracy wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • The two of you need a romantic getaway. Take the time to discover what makes each other feel good. Based on what you have posted, this marriage could be saved with the right weekend getaway.

          Ladies of FAB 40 what do you think. I know you all will have some good advice for our sister this evening.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • I just messaged Saylor privately because she is speaking my language. I feel sexual, just not towards my husband. I have tried everything, but it ain’t working.
          And as much as I love myself, me and my hand can only hook up so much! I am thisclose to an affair.
          Damn, I can’t believe I’m admitting this out loud! ohhhh



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • I think everyone’s marriage goes through cycles.  A short few years ago, my hubby and I would pick up in the middle of the day and go have a romp in a sex motel.  We would have THE best time exploring each other’s mind, body and soul.  That could only last so long.  Some everyday BS gets in the way and that all stops.  I went through a time where I would rather have my “fake friend” than him.  It got straight to point.  Today we have an active sex life but it’s no where near how it was a few years ago.  I want that back and I am vowing for that again in 2009.  

          In summation, I really do think it’s psychological due to all the other factors involved in relationships.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • I’m about to cry, you guys just don’t know how much of a release this is for me (not sexually though, damn) Just saying it out loud is a revelation for me.



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Glad you can get it out Ingrid.
          Hugs



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          Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Thank you Doreen. happy
          This has been a big issue between me and the hubs. As with any man, he feels responsible for my lack of desire. I have assured him that it’s not his fault, but then what do I say? I can only say it’s me for so long.



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Yes, my husband says “The well-known headache”  It comes on very fast especially when he feels like it.



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          Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Well, okay this is going to sound strange to some. But what I’m going to tell you is absolutely true!

          Several years ago my hubby and I had a mild incident that rocked me. I was left really feeling inadequate. He was leaving for a 10 day fishing trip, so I used the time to pray and think.

          I told God that  I wanted to be his (my husband’s) goddess. I wanted him to think I was “all that and a bag of chips“. Well, I was stunned by what I believe was a revelation from God. I came to realize that I was expecting him to treat me as something that I was not behaving as. In short, I felt God said “Then be his goddess“.  

          I’ve always had a healthy libido, but felt I could not express myself fully sexually. This little exchange with my Creator helped me see that my sexuality, my sensuality, was a gift from Him and He wanted me to enjoy it.

          Well, I’ve heard it said that the greatest sex organ we have is our mind. I believe that. I changed the way I saw myself, and my husband came home to a different woman!

          Things have cooled down a little since then, it’s hard to keep up the pace when we both work so hard. But our intimacy had been liberated and it will never go back to the way it was.

          The moral of the story? Get in touch with your inner goddess, then share her with your man!



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          Leadinladytracy wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Ingrid- I’m glad you opened up this evening. It feels good doesnt it?  

          I go through cycles. Sometimes I want it and sometimes if my husband even looks at me he’s dead meat!



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          Saylor101 wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • You all are great!  I so appreciate what you’ve had to say!  Teeky2 too funny re the wine!  

          Even though I started this about sex - it is about our marriages and how we are dealing/will deal-I found it SO interesting, doesn’t solve the six deal - but sure is food for thought - comments??

          “There have been many times over the past 23 years that I have wanted to toss in the towel, but I was taught that love is an action, a commitment, not a feeling. We can fall in and out of emotional love, but we can choose to act and be committed. There have even been times that I wished I had biblical grounds for divorce so I could ask him to leave with a clear conscience. LOL
          Few of us divorce our children – because we are taught differently about that kind of love. It is unconditional, and eternal. I say all this with a caveat: I know there are relationships that need to be severed.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Amen Saylor! I don’t have anything to add to what you said except that!
          I married my husband when I was still a kid myself (19)and now at 44 I have become another person. As much as I love him dearly I’m not sure about my “in love” feelings.



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          Leadinladytracy wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Ingrid I know what you mean when you say you are not another person. I got married when I was 21. I am now 45. I have grown so much since then. But on the same hand so has he. He was 26 and is now 52.  

          I also know what you mean regarding loving them and being in love with them. I go through cycles. And I’m sure this must be normal because everyone I know who has been married for a long time go through this.  

          I don’t know what the answer is, I wish I did.



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          Angelina Peterson wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • She's Happily Married, Dreaming of Divorce" [Link Removed] an article by Ellen T


          Sunshine9, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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          Dennie05 wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Saylor, YOu seem to really love and respect your husband but have lost the fire that you once had.  Are you thinking about or interested in a certain person that is paying added attention to you...and it makes you wonder...what if?  I hate to tell you this...but I think you are living a “normal” marriage.  YOu both need to do things to re-invent your marriage and sex life.  Role playing, sexual favors, etc...etc... on both of your parts.  Hire a babysitter regularly for date nights.  It seems like you think your marriage is worth saving.  Your kids are at an age that a divorce will impact them dramatically.  Think about what coachmom said.  Alot of people leave or get a divorce because of these reasons...and have that fire for a while with their new love or interest...and than the same thing happens again with their new mate.  Relationships go thru peaks and valleys.



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Ingrid:  Im so with you on this.  I, too, married my husband at 20.  He was my only boyfriend.  I do love him to pieces but often wonder what it would be like to be with someone else.  Sometimes I feel cheated and I think that’s why I have anger towards him on occasion.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • What to do, what to do? I’m just at a loss here.



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • OMG...a little off topic (maybe?) 20/20  Women having orgasms during childbirth??  WTF???   It hurt like freakin hell!!



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          Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Okay, help me out here. Teeky, is your husband not responding in a way that meets your sexual needs? Is he aware of what they are? I sued to find these things very hard to talk about with my husband, but with my revelation it’s all different now.



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          Waxwing wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Wow...this is big. Not because of the sex, but because of the relationship. The worrisome thing is that you have  never truly felt that passion in the first place.  

          I do know that a relationship changes and evolves. Nothing can be the same forever. We change as people and therefore the relationship takes on different shapes ( just like our friendships.....my relationships with friends from elementary school have been winding roads).
          I also thing that we need be realistic with our expectations. It is hard to have that same passion when you have children, a toilet to clean, a job, a disabled parent.....and so on.

          If you do move on, remember that fire will be there at first. As the newness dulls, it will be replaced by other forms of love and passion.

          With all due respect to you, it sounds more as if this is a passion for marriage than for sex ; don’t confuse the two. If the passion missing if for your marriage, then it is very serious.

          Good luck to you...and don’t do anything rash until you have really examined this and been truthful with yourself. I don’t think this is about the sex........



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          Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Wow, we are really getting personal now, huh? I think this is a big issue with many women. And yes, God intended your vagina to bring you pleasure as well as babies! But how do you get there from here?



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          Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • All I know is some of these little young boys are looking mighty good to me right now.....I’m just sayin‘, y‘all!

          Teeky, I know what you mean. My husband is good, but boring. I can almost tell him word for word what he is going to do next. It’s like a bad dance, you know the steps and your partner just stumbles along.....



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • just keep purring ingrid :)



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          Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • I understand! Boring sex is like eating the same thing every day, 3 times a day! I have no idea how to handle a selfish in bed man. We do not have that problem. We have more trouble jiving our schedules and working around my PMS/period cycle!  

          Maybe you guys could take turns having it your way? I’m just thinking here. I’m sure you’ve tried everything. Darn!



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • ya know, now that you mentioned it, I need more oral.
          There, I said it.  Whew!!



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • yes Teek....it’s on now.  Unbelievable.



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Teeky, I know exactly what you mean.  I cannot understand how they can be so DUMB when they are in bed!tongue out



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          Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Good for you, Doreen! It’s too bad we feel self conscious admitting that!



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • I love it and unfortunately, I withhold giving because I very seldom receive it.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Girl, I might be purring to a 25 y.o! LOL! MEOW!



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          Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • I'm sorry, Teeky, but your comment made me laugh! At least no one could see them, hey? Now if the condition showed in the eyes, that'd be real  bad!



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          Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Yeah girl, Saylor unleashed the beast in us all! And it does not help that I’ve been drinking my new favorite wine! I had to switch to green tea!estatic



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          Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Oh, my Gosh! We’ve just turned Ingrid into a Cougar!



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • LOL Teeky!!  Where DID she go??



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          Leadinladytracy wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Ingrid - COUGAR - LOL!

          Doreen - good for you.  

          Teeky - too funny and no it was not gross

          Coachmom - you are right. If we read the Song of Solomon in or bibles,  that is full of love and very sexual. We were made to enjoy sex and not just be child bearers.



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Refresh my memory Ingrid     Is that the fine young man at that grocery story?   hehehe



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          Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
        • Coachmom!! I think the Cougar has been there, she was just trying to find a reason to prowl. estatic



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