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  • How often does your ex see your children? Do you with hold visits when child support is not paid?

    10 posts, 8 voices, 4019 views, started Sep 11, 2008

    Posted on Thursday, September 11, 2008 by Cheryl Phillips

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    • Just curious...how often does your ex see your children? Is it court ordered or did you have a civil, grown up agreement? Do you let him see the children even if he doesn’t pay?

      I’ve been divorced 7+ years. My ex bobbed, weaved and dodged the court system and didn’t pay child support for almost 6 years. He was arrested 3 times for non-payment and would make an “arrangement” with the courts and I would get a portion. Mind you, he’s not a vagrant. He’s the son of very wealthy parents but just doesn’t want to work because Daddy pays the bills. Yes, a grown man with a college education...easier to dodge the bullet?  Finally in 2008 the judge lost his cool and ordered my ex to get a job. Novel idea. Now my ex, who is married, is paying via garnishment but making comments all the way. “I can’t have a good marriage because you make me work and pay you“. It’s not a sizeable sum either. When we were married he made a hefty six figure income working for his father in the real estate industry. Now he is working “the only job he could get” and paying me minimal child support—which is more than nothing.

      The question is...did I withhold my children from him while he didn’t pay? No. I think they are two different issues. However, he’s not a real fan of even being a parent...he took the court ordered route of every other Saturday and Sunday night. He is a babysitter in my eyes. The kids are getting older and tiring of this....he doesn’t allow toys or “kid stuff” in his palace. It might mess it up. YAWN.

      I am dating someone with two boys who is the director of planning/engineering for an entire city. He’s busy and works hard. He has time to get to every sports event, picks the boys up three nites a week to do homework and eat with them...takes them every other Friday for the weekend in addition. This with a full plate.  I know other dads who love seeing their kids and make it a priority not a “I have to” type of thing.

      I don’t complain—love my kids home. However, how will this affect them in the future? He doesn’t even know their birthdays unless he looks at a card in their wallet!! I know my 5 kids’ inside out...I guess it’s just different for everyone.

      Thanks for letting me rant...and possibly find out if I am in the same boat as everyone or not.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Angel Cordeiro wrote Sep 15, 2008
        • lets reverse the subject. my ex is witholding visitation from and i pay child support. now i found out i from my state i dont have to pay child support due to being on ssi. i have not seen my girls since 2004. take care and god bless always. love angel



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cheryl Guy wrote Sep 15, 2008
        • dailyblonde63- I was never married to my son’s father & when we split up a month after my son was born I never took him to court. We settled on our own amounts (always in his favor!) but it was worth it for me just to keep peace. I did not want my son growing up with two parents that are hostile to each other. I would rather be the one who bends over backwards for my son’s sake. (Also I could have managed at the time without his money at all, but I know that’s not the point. I know they need to do their fatherly duty.)  My son’s father and I got along fantastically through the years until I got married 3 years ago & then moved out of state a year later with my husband. I have not seen a penny of child support from him since & his theory is “why pay for him if I don’t see him much“. I guess he thinks that his son only eats when he’s with him!!!! Well I have lost all respect for him now but I will not take him to court because it will just be a big hassle for me and I know I will not get much out of it. He owns a business & knows how to hide his money well. The first year we moved out here I spent $1800 for my son to home school so he could fly back and forth to see his dad when ever his dad wanted him. Not one phone call in that year asking if he could fly him out!!!!!!!!!  We have had 3 trips back to Chicago since we moved to Phoenix in Oct. 2006 & I paid for the first 2. I let him go to see his father because I can’t punish my son for what his dad has done. This last trip though I put my foot down and told his father that either he buys his ticket or he does not see him. My parents were going to buy the ticket if his dad didn’t & so my son would stay with them the whole trip instead. Well his dad actually broke down & paid for 1/2 of the ticket and my parents paid for the other 1/2 & I told my son that he could decide what days he wanted to stay with who. Out of the 2 weeks that he was in Chicago, he only stayed with his dad for 4 days. His dad hasn’t complained but I hope he realized what kind of affects his actions have had on his son. When we did live in Chicago his dad only saw him on Sunday’s until he started taking him for over-nights when he was 10. My son is now 15 and loves his dad but is not comfortable being at his dad’s house for a long period of time. His dad has made it a place for him to visit and not like a second home for him. I wonder often what kind of relationship my son will choose to have with his dad when he is an adult.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cheryl Phillips wrote Sep 18, 2008
        • Interesting story...I find it so sad that some parents just don’t take a bigger interest. Sounds like you’ve made all the right moves. Best you can do. My ex has no pictures in his perfect home, no toys, no clothing...and I had to beg him to get toothbrushes because it’s a pain to pack them. He and his wife like the house to look like a museum. The kids hate going and if they decide not too, he doesn’t whimper. Not one bit. I say very little...and nothing to the kids. IT’s not worth my breath. He’s growing tired of being a father I guess...or as I call him....sperm donor.

          Glad you found someone better to share you life with!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cheryl Phillips wrote Sep 18, 2008
        • Angel....if you‘re entitled to see your children, then I would try like hell to make it happen. Some situations are easier than others...and withholding visitation for any reason other than a violent or unstable parent is wrong.

          I wish you the best.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Becca wrote Sep 18, 2008
        • I have an ex whos only thought is about money. We divorced in 2001 and if it wasn’t for me making sure he took the boys, they never would have had any type of relationship with him. In addition, there are no phone calls or emails unless he needs to say he is busy and cannot take them for the weekend.

          I let the boys develop their own judgement of their father. I have never talked harshly about him (although I could write a few novels.) The kids don’t really want to go 7 years later. They might see him a couple of times a year for the weekend.

          My oldest has graduated from high school and he counted the days until he didn’t have to pay child support. After graduating ceremonies - Instead of congratulating my son - He commented that it’s only 2 more years until the next one is through. What kind of message does this say to the child?

          I have four boys - we have survived and are prospering. I am proud of that and remind them they should too.  Your pictuer of your family is beautiful! It looks like they are happy children and you have been there for them. To me - that is what is important!!

          Take care...Becca



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Nadine Laratte-Belk wrote Sep 20, 2008
        • I’m newly separated and my son is only 18 months old.  Despite having to leave because of unfavorable conditions, I have never will I ever withhold visitations.  My son should not be put in the middle of an adult situation.  Although it was rough in the beginning because of the animosity between my husband and me, we were both able to come to our senses and be friendly towards each other and keep the lines of communication open for the sake of the child.  Hopefully things will stay that way.     Nadine



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Becca wrote Sep 28, 2008
        • Nana I agree. I have let my boys make their own opinion about their father. To have a relationship or not. I think it is important to not say negative things regarding the ex or anything he does. You may have to bite your tongue at times. My logic has always been - just because it didn’t work out between us doesn’t mean he cannot have a relationship with his children.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Noresammi wrote Apr 11, 2009
        • I never married my daughters father (he left me and actually the state when I told him I was pregnant but he stayed in touch ever few months while he decided what he wanted to do) but I’ll tell you what!  Once he decided he was “in” I went to Domestic Relations.  It took me nearly a year to get a dime because somehow the court order got lost between Pennsylvania where I live and NJ where he lives.  When he lost his very well paying job a few years later I knew he woudlnt jump right into the job pool and he kept promising me he would find a way to get the child support to her.  Never did so I wrote out case worker and asked if this was normal for her not to go after dads who didnt pay in a long time (he had moved from NJ to PA again to be with a girl who dumped his sorry butt after a month!!) She said she couldnt find him so I took the liberty of sending her his address and phone number.  Needles to say he owed almot $5,000.00 in arrears.  I can keep going on and on about this.

          Cheryl..do you ever get your ex on arrears??
          PS your family is just beautiful!!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Anne E wrote Apr 12, 2009
        • Cheryl,

          What a lovely family!  If your kids want to see their father I would let them.  Where I was divorced (California) I know that child support and visitations are separate so it’s actually illegal to withhold the visitations.  If the dad is crummy, usually the kids won’t have much interest in seeing him once they are teens and can make up their own minds.

          I have always been straight with my daughter about her dad’s cheapness and lateness on the child support.  He’s managed to find a new wife who pays most of the bills while he’s been a perpetual student. He alo blew through a $400,000 inheritance without giving our daughter any of it. Child support hasn’t gone up one dime in 11 years!  I feel kind of bad about this as my daughter has no respect for her dad and I know it hurts her.

          I’m glad you’ve got the nice new boyfriend.  I am wishing only the best for you.

          Anne



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