I longed to know what it was like to be held by a man who wanted to love me not hurt me.

Hi! I am new to this site and have been reading some of the comments. This topic "Falling in love after 40" caught my attention. I read the post "What took me so long" and really enjoyed it.  

I longed to know what it was like to be held by a man who wanted to love me not hurt me.

I don't know if I am still in shock and maybe even in disbelief. I am still not sure if I am dreaming or if I am, just a fool or maybe it is too soon to tell. I do know that I am still scared, but I am working on getting over that scared and insecure feeling.

This is my story that I want to share, the one that no one knows but me. For what ever the reason I just feel compelled to tell this story:  

I was raped at the age of 18, back when "Free Love" was still the "IN thing" and it was unheard of for a woman to be raped. "If a woman is raped it's because she asked for it". I am sure that some of you may remember when acquaintance rape and date rape was unheard of. Well ... my best friends' husband raped me but no one would believe me. Even my parents had doubts because the three of us (my best friend, her husband and I) hung out together all the time, as my parents would say. Every Friday night they would come and pick me up and we would go to town and eat at McDonalds, this was the extent of my "hanging out with them". One Friday night their car pulled into the driveway as usual and "he" came to the door to get me as usual but when I got to the car, "my friend" was not there. I asked where she was and as he opened the door, he said, "You'll find out". He then grabbed me and forced me into the car. We lived in the middle of nowhere and my parents were gone for the evening. Screaming for help did me no good. Once he was done with, his "DEED" took his belt, cut a little mark in it, and said "One more virgin to add to my count".
I have told you this part of my story only because it set the stage for the next 27 years of my life. During that time, the saying in my school was "The only virgins were ugly third graders". I had dreams and goals that were torn apart and vanished in a matter of less than five minuets. I was so proud that I was still a virgin and I was saving myself for the man that I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. My plans were to go to college, get set in a career and then meet the man of my dreams, marry and live happily ever after. Well ... we all know that fairy tail.
I tried to get on with my life after that but found it impossible to trust.... anyone. I could not date nor have friends out of fear. My self-esteem could not get any lower, (or at least I did not think so) nor did I have any self worth or value. The only good thing in my life came 9 months after I was raped.... yep.... as a result of the rape, I became pregnant. I barely graduated high school and college was out of the question. I now had a little girl to take care of so my only option was to work. And work I did, I worked so much that my parents some how manipulated my daughter right away from me. First they told me that they would keep here while I worked, and then it soon got to the point that I would visit my daughter on my days off. They begin telling me that I was not a good parent because I could not spend quality time with her and that I resented her because she was the result of rape. I still did not have much self-esteem and after two and a half years started to believe them. I signed co-guardianship over to them. After all, they lived in a nice big country home and could give her all the things that I could not.
By now I was in my early 20's and still had never had a date or any type of romance. The only thing I had experienced outside of the rape was when two friends of a friend of my dads came to my apartment and I had a threesome with them. I was 22 and they were in their forties. I felt so bad about myself that I moved to Florida thinking that I could leave everything behind but that did not work out so well. One night I went out with a friend from work and totally plastered. I had never drunk before and I ended up in bed with three guys. I did not want to be there but I was too drunk and out of it to stop them from taking turns with me. Besides, I did not feel that I deserved any thing better. I longed to know what it was like to be held by a man who wanted to love me not hurt me. I moved back to my hometown and a couple years later, a man that I worked with asked me out. I was ecstatic; I was 23, had slept with six men (including the rape), had a daughter and still had not been on a first date. We went out and I had a great time. I did not even sleep with him, on the first date anyway (I waited until the third date). We were married five months later; I figured that I had better jump at the chance because no one else would be stupid enough to ever want me. BIG MISTAKE!!! He became abusive and quit working a few months later and I supported him... for the next six years. He cheated on me constantly and lied even more. I wanted a divorce after about six months but instead I got another baby, then another, then yet another. Three more daughters within 28 months. I finally got the courage to leave him. My biggest fear was "how was I going to take care of three babies when I could not even take care of one before. Well.... I managed and I did it on my own to, no support and no help from anyone. Now my self-esteem was even lower than before. Who was ever going to want ME.? I was 29, felt like a slut, been divorced and had four daughters. I longed even more now to know what it was like to be held by a man who wanted to love me and not hurt me. A couple of years went by and I went on a couple of dates, if you would call them that. I basically went to dinner and straight to bed and never seen them again. Then I met X #2 and thought that he was the one.... Boy was I wrong. I thought this time I am going to do things right. I am going to make this relationship work. This man treats my girls well, he treats me good and I was not going to make the mistakes that I made before. We actually went on dates, movies, dinners, to the park, spent time with each other's kids before we were sexually intimate. We lived together for two years before we were married. Sounds great huh?... well it was not. Sex was horrible, at least for me anyway. After the third time we had sex he told me he could not do this any more. He said "Having sex with you is like f*****g the Grand Canyon with a pencil lead". For the next several years, I (pardon my expression for lack of better terminology) I took it up the poop chute. All the while being vaginally abused with everything from cucumbers to baseball bats, whatever he could dream of to use. Why did I put up with this?... I did not deserve anything better, he treated me and my girls like gold, as long as none of his family was around and besides my girls loved him. He was good to them plus he had a good job and I did not have to support him just my girls and me. All the kids got older and I got tired of EVERYTHING including his affairs, he needed "good p***y" every now and then and I needed a break. We separated and soon after divorced. A couple years later, a younger man that I worked with that was a pastor in training invited me and my girls to go to church. My girls and I started attending his father's church and he and I became friends and eventually started "Courting" as his family put it. We became engaged and were married soon afterwards. Something just did not feel right from the very beginning but ... he had to be the right one. We did everything by the Book and I do mean "The Book". He even refused to have sex before marriage... he even refused to have sex after marriage...??? ... He only wanted one blowjob on our honeymoon and after that; he said that God told him not to touch me because I was dirty, that I was full of demons and demonic spirits. Oh!... by the way this was after he talked me into letting him refinance my house in his name to pay off all of our existing bills. This was my house that I was only 7 years away from paying off. 72 days after I said, "I do" he was gone with my house and everything I had in my bank account, and he never even slept in my bed once.
All I ever wanted was to know what it was like to be held by a man that wanted love me and not hurt me.
By this time, I was 40 and I had finally said uncle. I gave up ... I had come to terms with the fact that I would spend the rest of my sad little life alone and lonely. What more could I possibly expect, I was a horrible person and I did not deserve anything more. I had no friends male or female and my family was nearly nonexistent by now. I had no one but my girls so I sat down one night and considered suicide. The thought of them being raised by their father literally made me nauseous. I stood for a couple hours and just watched my girls sleep. I kept picturing their lives turning out just like mine and I did not want that. I decided that I would give my girls the best life, from that moment on, that I could until they were grown then ... well ... I didn't know what then. I sank myself into my girls and my work, completely avoiding all relationships.
My oldest daughter continued to live with my parents throughout her life coming to stay with me on occasion, when she was mad at my parents. She has two very wonderful little girls. It is somewhat sad but her life has turned out more like mine than I ever wanted. My second daughter is married and has three beautiful kids. My youngest daughter just got married this past Nov. and is expecting in Feb. My third daughter probably saved my life. She started telling me a couple of years ago that I needed to go out occasionally. She would say, "Mom you are so pretty and your body is a lot nicer than most young girls" "The guys I work with are always looking you over when you stop by" "It drives me crazy because all my guy friends think you're hot". I was terrified of even the thought of dating again. I would always tell her that I did not know anyone and that it was too late for me. I felt like that part of my life was over and gone, that was no longer an option for me. My self-esteem was greater than it had been since the night I was raped and lost my virginity but I still did not think that any descent man in his right mind would want someone like me let alone be able to love someone like me. She talked me into doing the "Online Dating" game as I call it. To humor her, we filled out the profile and put my picture on the web for everyone to see. I figured that she would see for herself that no wants an old used up has been like me. I was surprised, we listed my profile online on a Friday and by Sunday, I had over 320 emails. NOT to my surprise, the first 25 -30 of them had one at least of three questions in them; 1. Do you have any nude pics? 2. Do you shave? and last but not least 3. Do you like cyber-sex? Without even reading any more I deleted the rest of them and hid my profile until my free month was up, then I deleted it. I continued to get an occasional email or chat message from a couple guys; I don't even know how they got my information to send me messages. I would chat with a couple of them off and on, the ones who didn't ask me those questions. I started having that same old feeling that I thought I completely dismissed from my life, but there it was again. I longed to know what it was like to be held by a man who wanted to love me not hurt me.
One guy told me about a free website that he preferred. I had no idea but he also told me that he runs into many women who were like many of the men I encountered. I joined the website that he suggested and monitored and read my emails very carefully. I got to know one of the men on that site through chatting on the site and through IM's. I will call him Sam. We exchanged phone numbers and became friends. We knew that nothing could ever come of us because we lived so far apart. Sam told me about another website that I would not have to monitor quite so close because the site itself was pretty good at monitoring its clients and it was also free. I put my profile on that site as well. I got a few emails and would actually review them with Sam. He would give me his honest opinion and advice and I would take it. I came across one guy on this website that for what ever the reason intrigued me. I actually set up a meeting with him on a Friday. He only lived a couple of miles from me. I was so scared and nervous that I had to end the date abruptly because I was so attracted to him. I came home cried and then called Sam. I told him almost word for word of what this guy said, how he acted, what we did ... etc. I read him this guys profile and he could not find anything bad to say except "Just be careful. Your heart has just started thawing out and it is still fragile". I hung up from Sam and cried some more. Five days went by and I heard nothing from this guy that I met. I took a big chance and emailed him. The following Sunday was Father's Day and I simply sent him a Happy Father's Day greeting. After I hit the send button, I tried to get it back but I could not. He sent me a reply thanking me for the greeting. I figured that was that and I probably would not hear from him again. Then he called me and asked me to go out with him on Friday. I went and we had a great time.
He has been married a few times too and he has had many women in his past, but I have a past too. I was so scared that he would not want me once we had sex. Everything that my second husband said was coming back to haunt me. Between having babies so close together and all the sexual abuse I have encountered in the past I just knew that I could never please him in that way. This sounds really terrible but after a few times of very heavy petting and close intimacy I decided to give into the temptation before I got my heart in too deep. I figured that one time with me, he would be gone, and I would not have to worry about it any more. The very instant that he entered me I knew that 10 years of being celibate had not changed my physical condition in the least. I knew that there was no way that he would or could get any type of enjoyment from our sexual encounter. He spent every moment pleasing me with no regard to himself. When the evening came to an end, I went home and he went to work. I never expected to hear from him again. He called the next day before I even got home from work inviting me down for dinner, a home cooked dinner at that. We have not spent a single day apart since the first date we went on after our first meeting. We were married four weeks ago. There is a surgery that can repair the damage that has been done to my vaginal area, but it is not covered by insurance and we can not afford it. We are working together to be able to enjoy the sexual pleasures of intimacy. He has been so great to me and I feel deep down inside that he really loves me. I never thought it could happen but I found love after 40.
For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to have a man hold me that wants to love me and not hurt me.