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  • I'm looking for It....

    18 posts, 12 voices, 1422 views, started Aug 27, 2011

    Posted on Saturday, August 27, 2011 by Cheekymonkey




    • heart heartbreakheartbreak
      Hello,
      Hmmmmm, I’m sorry but I’m looking for some inspiration. I’m tring all I can but my friends I can’t find any which is unlike me.
      I was removed from the trial after only one dose. Why? Because my body rejected it. I couldn’t breathe and my left kidney went into failure. And let me tell you that hurts like a bitch.
      I am so upset and low. I didn’t except miracles but I thought I’d get past stage 1. Shaking my head.
      I’m tring so hard to find a positive here.... I had to remove my DNR which now I will add back and that takes alot mentally out of me. Do Not Resesatate.... Do not bring back to life in other words. No cheekiness there but truth. I dud it once and had it in a box in my mind. But to remove it on hope and to have this stupid body fail after one try just makes me so mad. Then to put it back to sign it all again to see a shrink to do so to basically say ” I know I’m dying” that’s so f.... Messed up!
      My kids had hope, my husband.... Me.... Maybe not fixed but hope and not to make it through stage one.... I’m pissed. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m afraid.
      Is this it? ...... NOOO it can’t be!!! I won’t let it be. I have to much to do.... Hell I must see Mellisa graduate high school in 3 yrs.
      I must face the truth. It’s what it is but how do I face this?
      So, at this cross road again.... Do I enjoy what I got for the time I got OR keep tring every stupid silly test , trial they have to get no where?
      And that is what my family remembers..... The best of me gone to these no win situations.
      That’s what is not right and unfair. That’s a cross to piss u off.
      So, I need help here please. I need to know what you would do.... Yes I’m being unfair and please forgive me this but I need a vote if you will.
      I can’t choose any longer for I don’t know what’s up or down.
      It’s not easy. Give your family the best of who you are now and let it happen or lose yourself and time tring to get more time.... Time after time... And if I never get more time I’ve lost all of what I had chasing nothing
      I need help.... Please





        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Aug 27, 2011
        • This is not easy and I’m in need of help nowheartbreak



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mary Clark wrote Aug 27, 2011
        • Cris....I’m so sorry you had to stop the trial.  How disappointing!! But....you are a fighter girl!! CANCER is the devil....it’s a four letter word.....DON‘T LET THE DEVIL WIN!!

          FIGHT....FIGHT.....FIGHT!! That is the devil putting all those horrible thoughts in your head.  He wants you to doubt everyone and everything. Don’t let him win.  

          Go look in the mirror and tell Him....“HELL NO I‘M NOT GIVING UP“...and kick his ASS to the curb.    

          You are the most inspirational person I’ve ever met.  This past week has been one of the WORSE WEEKS of my life and I’ve had a pretty bad day today.  I’m trying to decide whether I will blog about this or not.  I’m just trying to deal with it...but you crying out for help just now has pulled ME OUT OF THE FUNK I‘VE BEEN in today.

          The devil is crafty and he will put doubts in our minds...make us think about things that are just wrong..and make us GIVE UP so he can WIN THE FIGHT.  

          FIGHT CRIS...FIGHT...



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Aug 27, 2011
        • Well, our situations are different, yet similar when it comes to new med and trials.  

          My motto, try anything once... more if it works.

          I was off my MS meds for over 6 years. Tysabri is my first me directly for the MS since then. My body is slowing quitting on me, but I won’t quit without a fight anymore.

          My sister’s Cancer has metastasized all through her body. She is going to keep trying any and everything to keep going. The radiation almost killed her, but now she is doing better.  

          Keep fighting woman...



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Aug 27, 2011
        • heartbreak I can’t right now.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Aug 27, 2011
        • frownheartbreak



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mary Clark wrote Aug 27, 2011
        • I’m going to tell both of you...FIGHT IT!!
          Cris...yes you can! I gave you a task....I need ya!

          Tracey:  I’m so sorry about your sister...but I’m glad she is fighting and doing a little better.  And I admire YOUR strength and desire to keep FIGHTING YOUR HORRIBLE disease too.  

          You both have no idea how much you inspire others.  You both have taught me so much!!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cathie Beck wrote Aug 28, 2011
        • Cris, darling cheeky ..... you don’t give up! I myself would try again and again and again.
          What you kids and husband will see is that you never gave up because you love them and it will mean so much to them, I promise you that.  

          Love & Hugs,
          Cathie



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Joanmarie wrote Aug 28, 2011
        • Cris, fight, fight, fight! You are allowed to have some down days, but don’t stay down. Get back up!

          Tracy, I hope you have good luck with the tysabri. I’m sorry to hear about your sister.

          Praying for all of you!  heartheartheart



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Aug 28, 2011
        • (((((CRIS!!!!!))))))
          Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your bosy and nourishment to your bones. (Proverbs 3:7-8)

          Hope deferred makes theheart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12)

          A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a faithful envoy brings healing. (Proverbs 13:17)

          Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. (Proverbs 16:24)
          ~

          Forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: for length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. (Proverbs 3:1-2)

          A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. (Proverbs 14:30)

          The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. (Proverbs 14:27)

          For whoever finds me finds life, and obtains favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 8:35)

          ((((Cris!)))) my heart is so sadden by this reportfrownheartbreak I’ am so sorry to hear this, but I need you to remain hopeful and hold on to your faith. Its not over til God says its over and He is the author and finisher of our faith, just because this procedure didn’t work for you doesn’t mean your life is over, Cris you have to pull youreself up and remember that God is a miracle worker and he does his best work when we feel defeated by the devil, but you mus NEVER lose hope in HIM!!!! God is there just begin to call upon the of Jesus, he is with you! I need you to begin to speak life to your situation, begin to call those things that be NOT as though they were.
          (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were. Romans 4:17  

          Cris turn to the scriptures and draw your sapiritual strength from them, please don’t allow the devil’s negative thoughts over take you, you are more than a conqueror, you are a KING‘S Kid! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT Cris, you can do it don’t allow the enemy to win over you the Lord has not given you the spirit of fear, remember the enemy was defeated on Calvary for your sake so draw upon that and know that you do have the victory over this, now call upon the Lord and he will answer you!!! You shall be in my prayers my friend, love you and God bless!heartheartheartheart



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Hbrose wrote Aug 28, 2011
        • Cris, I can’t even imagine what you‘re going through, physically, mentally and emotionally. It doesn’t seem fair though!  All I can think is that you HAVE to keep trying and fighting your battle, though I’m certain its way easier said than done. BUT, keep thinking about all those wonderful things you mentioned, your loved ones, family, you need to be a part of their lives as long as possible and they need you!  You will remain in my prayers. heart



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Aug 28, 2011
        • heart as I sat in service today, I was hit with powerful emotions not all warm and fuzzy ones either but the one that stuck was this seed of what possibility my life still can be.
          I’m fighting to stand up and face my life and I’ll get there because well one I have no choice I still have my daughter to raise.
          Two as most of you know I hate being down because I miss so many cheeky opportunities ( lol )
          But I am tierd right now.... Mentally I guess. Like I said I thought I’d get through more than one dose but my body said whoa!!! Damn I never listen to myself lol cheeky moment or attempt at one. Sigh.....
          So I’m thinking on dialysis .... Might add something it was dismissed awhile ago but .... That changes alot in my life as far as everything.... I don’t know I can’t think clearly right now.
          So what did I do today???? I replanted my little garden! And moved it around lol
          When in doubt I redo something lol
          Thank you all
          Love
          Cris



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jewelrybyirina wrote Aug 28, 2011
        • Dear Cris,
          I know it’s terrible news and feels like there is nothing left.... But it’s wrong- you have so many reasons to
          FIGHT! Your are strong and fabulous person I’ve always admire.
          You need to FIGHT for you, for your family, for your friends, for all of us here.
          Please FIGHT!
          Hugs,heartheartheart



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Aug 29, 2011
        • I’m really tring... It’s just to hard right now. I think I just need to rest awhile.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Rose Nino wrote Aug 29, 2011
        • I am so sorry Cris. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. heartheart



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          Marya1961 wrote Aug 29, 2011
        • Cris, please don’t give up..if you need to rest and take it slow, so be it, but tell your mind to give your body that extra push, even if you think you can’t do it, there is always that tiny glimmer of hope that never goes away...trust me, I have been there, I know what you are dealing with, mine was not cancer, but a health issue that almost killed me.

          I told the devil he was not going to take me down without a fight...God saw me through, I prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded and got on my knees every day and told God I would be his steward in any way or capacity that he saw fit for me to do his work on Earth...I know this sounds nuts, but it worked...the Lord helped me through and I now follow his lead.

          It is a fight, it is hard, never easy, but with every bit of strength you have, keep going, make it work, for you, your family, your friends!!

          We need you!

          heartheartheart



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cheekymonkey wrote Aug 29, 2011
        • heart thank you all I am going to rest for awhile. I just feel sad I guess. But don’t worry I promise not to stay down. I will get back up but I just need alittle time to think on what to do now.
          I love you all and I will be fine. I promise



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Diane17 wrote Aug 29, 2011
        • I’m sorry to hear this Cris.  frown  Please know that we are thinking and praying for you.  heartheart



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