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  • Is There a Right Way and a Wrong Way? Or Is It All Just Fate?

    29 posts, 14 voices, 945 views, started Feb 15, 2009

    Posted on Sunday, February 15, 2009

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      Carnelian
      Offline

      I watched a piece today on arranged marriages.  It was very indepth and focused alot on how people in these relationships progress in their marrriage.  From starting out with barely one face to face meeting, and moving directly to a wedding.  SOUNDS EXTREMELY SCARY TO ME!  However, the divorce rates in these marriages are well below the average.

      Now, immediately my mind says, well that is because of tradition.  That is how they were raised, it is their belief system, so happy or not they stay regardless.  Maybe it is that they don’t know about life out in the great big world.  If they don’t know any different, why would divorce be an option.  How sad? Right?

      Well, is it?  I mean, I have been married for 15 years, so I am surely not an expert on the current dating scene.  However, I find it very hard to believe it has changed much since my day.  If anything, I wonder if it hasn’t gotten worse.

      Let’s look at what these folks are missing out on:

      *The “what to wear so I look interesting, but not slutty”

      *The “do we kiss, will their be chemistry, what if one feels it and the other doesn’t”

      *The “what do I talk about not to seem desperate”

      *The “gotta have an escape call set for 10 pm”

      *The “will he expect me to pay”

      *The anxiety of “will he call again”

      In all honesty, that was written tongue-in-cheek, but to some extent it is true.  I am not advocating arranged marriages by any stretch of the imagination, because, BELIEVE ME, I shudder to think who my parents would have picked for me! ROTFLMAO!

      However, maybe we are all, men and women, looking for too much, putting too much pressure for that person who completes us.  

      In my humble opinion, there isn’t anyone who completes any of us.  We all must be complete in ourselves to be happy.  I think the perfect spouse is someone who compliments us, much as me and the hubby.  Having been married and divorce, I know what doesn’t work for me.  

      I am an extrovert, impulsive, analytical, quick tempered, too quick to give the benefit of the doubt.  My husband isn’t my polar opposite, but where I am extreme he is moderate and vice versa.  

      So..I am babbling maybe, but I thought this education in arranged marriages was very interesting.  I certainly view the ritual in a whole new light.  Maybe they‘re on to something.  Somewhere between their ideas and ours is probably the nirvana we all seek.

      Much love and hope you had a great Valentine’s Day!
      XOXO
      Lori



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          Coachmombabe wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • I think  (arranged marriage)is a very interesting concept. Success is contingent upon expectations. Obviously these couples are not expecting to be “in love” when they marry. And yet, it seems many end up right where my husband and I are after 33 years of marriage, the best of friends. Kind of makes you think...



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          Tuliplady wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • I don’t think arranged marriages are necessarily a bad thing.  If my mother could have picked my husband for me, I think she’d have done a much better job than I did(the first time around that is).  In fact, I know the guy she did have picked out for me (sort of her dream SIL) and he and I are the sort that would have worked to make our marriage work and would have likely ended up crazy about each other.  

          Honestly, if a person could skip all the dating stuff, we might have a lot less unplanned, unwanted pregnancies as well as a lot less bad first dates.



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          Coachmombabe wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • Amen to that, tulip!!!



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          Rystmom wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • My old neighbors had an arranged marriage! They only saw each other a handful of times before they were married, always with a chaperone.
          She once told me she grew to care deeply for her husband. She also said in her eyes no one could be more protective in the search for her spouse than her parents.
          Though I know it worked for them, I want more than to deeply care. I want bone quivering love!
          Also I don’t want the responsibility of choosing my boys mates. I want them to have that special feeling you get when you know you are with the right one.



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          Rystmom wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • My love has grown daily for my hubby. But now it is bone quivering. It did not start that way. I just don’t know if it would be the same if we didn’t have the dating experiences behind us. We are going on 30 years of marriage and still laugh about some of our dates we went on.



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          Coachmombabe wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • Bone quivering? haha! well, my bones are doing different things these days, but I don’t think they are quivering! lol!

          I know what you are saying, rystmom. But I think there are different kinds of love, even romantic love. I wouldn’t trade what I have with my husband now to have the “passion” we had in the beginning. It doesn’t even compare for me!

          BUT, and that's a big but , I don't know who my parent's would have picked for me. So I can't really say how that would have turned out. All I'm saying is I think that arranged marriage has at least as much potential of lasting as the way people are dealing with marriage now.



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          Shopgirl1960 wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • I think the arranged marriage concept is very interesting. I would love to read some true stories of those who have had arranged marriages.

          I used to go for the macho and really “hot” guy. But thank goodness I have matured and picked someone who is much more than that. I wonder how my Mom and Dad would have done if they had to arrange a mate for me. When I think of one guy my mom thought was cute in our neighborhood it sort of makes me shudder. Hee Hee



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          Termite wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • It is very intersting, but not for me! My grandparents were an arranged marriage, by their parents. That would just be so weird.



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          Jenni0811 wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • Arranged....not arranged.....let’s all go for “bone quivering“!!!



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          Jenz ~ wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • Bone quivering would be great. The hot guys are fun too, however I’m over that. I’ll hold out til I meet the man who will be my best friend, has my back, is loyal AND bone quivering. I want it all, or nada.

          We can suffer alone. Who needs help with that?? And, with any luck it’ll happen sometime soon~ this single crap is getting really old in some ways. lol...

          I’m not familiar with anyone who’s had an arranged marriage really...



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          Jenni0811 wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • Here’s another question..... can ANY man be “bone quivering” and “best friend” all wrapped up in one????

          What’s everyone’s opinion or experience.....and let’s be honest here....



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          Coachmombabe wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • Well, as I said, I’m not even sure what “bone quivering” is. We’ve been married nearly 33 years. We have a fantastic intimate life, but I’m his only and my only other was at 16. So we don’t have anything else to compare it to. Maybe that’s one reason why we are so content with eachother?



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          Termite wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • Good One Jenni!!



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          Cynthia Schmidt wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • My grandparents’ marriage was arranged. Their families came through Ellis Island in the mid 1920’s. They didn’t know one another but their parents did. My grandmother’s brother took her to a dance and my grandfather saw her, decided she was ok to marry, told his parents, his parents told her parents, they told her, it was done. She was not happy about it. She accepted it. But, I have to say, really, she couldn’t stand him. But tradition was strong, divorce was not an option, acceptance was the order of the day.



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          Cynthia Schmidt wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • But, I also want to say that I really liked what Lori said about how her feelings have changed in her 40’s. She wants a friend and someone who has her back. I believe that as we get older we really do change in how we want our life partner to be. Kindness, friendship, caring, companionship, shared values. All of those things are lasting.



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Feb 15, 2009
        • The marriage of my grandparents (mother’s side) were pre-arranged.  They had the best loving relationship.  Grandpa toke a look of several pictures and chose grandma.



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          Coachmombabe wrote Feb 16, 2009
        • I think it just shows that mutual respect, commitment, and care can lead to lifelong love. Hmmm, whether arranged or not!



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          Jenni0811 wrote Feb 16, 2009
        • I’m still back on the “bone quivering and best friend” all wrapped up in one package.... have possibly found one of those ~ time will tell...



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          Cheekymonkey wrote Jul 16, 2010
        • heart my husband now is best friend and bone quivering.
          I think it’s because of past mistakes and learning from them.  I would never want that taken away from me. Arranged marriages can work and even turn out to be happy but I wouldn’t want to miss the chance to grow or fall in love from beginning to end. But whatever makes us happy. heart



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