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  • marriage and loneliness

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    24 posts, 15 voices, 1227 views, started May 29, 2009

    Posted on Friday, May 29, 2009 by L J

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    • Garnett
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      when you get married you think  you are part of a team, but some marriages are just the opposite and you feel more alone than when you were single, why is that?

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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Frannie1964 wrote May 29, 2009
        • I know exactly what you mean. It’s like not even having a partner, more like a roommate most of the time. Hubby and I been married for 13 years and It’s more like we are roommates then husband and wife. We do our own thing and he likes to stay at home while I like to go out. But before we got married we would do everything together, Don’t know how to explaine It. Maybe now that they have us they don’t have to try as hard anymore. Just saying



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Laurie Pace-Jones wrote May 31, 2009
        • Right now, I have that type of marriage. My husband isn’t home for almost 15 days out of a month, so I spend 15-16 days alone. I love him but he loves his daughter and immed. family more than me. He pays all my bills and do my family right but I feel left out of it all. People tell me as long as he pays my bills I wouldn’t worry about anything...but I want my husband too! So I am lonely!frown



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote May 31, 2009
        • I’m there too.  Hubby goes to work, and comes home and sits in his chair and goes to bed- alone.

          That leaves me—alone.

          We truly are little but roommates and some days that’s fine with me.  Other days, like today when he’s home, but I’m still alone, it drives me nuts.

          I’m thinking I’m going to start a collection of men, you know like shoes.  One for every occassion.

          I already go to community events and church functions with my neighbor instead of my husband.

          Now I just need a guy who will take me out on Saturday night, and another one for great sex.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Frannie1964 wrote May 31, 2009
        • Sounds good to me Tulip..lol Have a man for differant occassions happy I have to say Hubby takes care of me, especially money wise and being on his health Insurance. But sometimes you just want him to spend the whole day with you and give you the attention he did before you were married. Just now and then, not always..lol



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          L J wrote May 31, 2009
        • i don’t know why men r the way they r....
          mine is nice one minute and when i least expect it he is a jerk and obnoxious... they think they can say anything they want and you can’t, but i am not made that way...
          they think you can’t live without them,..
          now i know why some women either turn to other women or just stay alone... at least you can have your own life and not have to answer to anyone else when you breathe!! i feel more alone now than when i was by myself.. and you r right(mslaurie) people tell me the same thing about him paying the bills!!! but that is still not enough.. you can get any man to apy your bills, but loving and companionship have to come with it!! i’m miserable most of the time, and i am glad that i have ya’ll here on fab/40 because at least now i am not so alone...
          thanks girls for being there



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote May 31, 2009
        • think i need to open a can of whoop ass on your men!!
          big hugggzz for you all!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Frannie1964 wrote May 31, 2009
        • Awsome Tracy..can you bring your can of woop ass here estatic And Linda I am here wheneever you need to talk or vent. Thank you for being here for me.

          Hugzzzzz



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lazylola wrote May 31, 2009
        • this is a trend i’ve commented on with friends that men settle down and turn into “old” couch potatoes, with no interest in doing anything, very much content to stay home...all my friends here are always complaining their guys don’t want to do anything, go anywhere and heck mine is the same way....Boring!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          L J wrote May 31, 2009
        • tracy n frannie ya’ll r my girls and luv ya’ll too, i wished my back won’t hurt and i’d probably do it myself...
          men think they wear the pants but they forgot that we put them up!!!!!  haha!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Frannie1964 wrote May 31, 2009
        • Oh my gosh Lola..talk about boring! I don’t get It, my hubby was all for going out and doing things when we were dating and hes 2 years younger then me and now, Hes loves to stay home and sleeps way too much! sometimes I feel guilty about always going out and doing things with my best friend, but I am not about to be stuck Inside cause thats what he wants to do.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lazylola wrote May 31, 2009
        • Frannie, my guy is 10 yrs younger yet you would think he was 20 years older....I feel guilty and I hate that I do, I’m older, but I’m not dead, and not ready to spend my life stuck at home



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Frannie1964 wrote May 31, 2009
        • Wow lola, 10 years younger.. and yet he wants to be a couch potato? I thought my hubby was a old fart...lol, cause he sure acts like one. I cannot just hang around and do nothing, I need to be active and I tell him now and then that he needs to see a doctor about his sleeping too much, but he won’t. So I go out, my mom says I need to make him do things with me, but you can’t make someone to what they don’t want too and I have already talked to him about It, It doesn’t help.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Terri Quinn wrote Jun 10, 2009
        • My now ex and I “co -existed” . We seldom spoke ,we had nothing in common,were as opposite as night and day.

          I pretty much walked on egg shell’s because one minute I would say something to him and he would have a nice reply and the next minute I’d  same thing he would say thing’s like “why should I care?” ,“so” ! He had that type of personality.

          If I asked if we could go do something he was too tired ,but if one of his buddies came along he was full of energy.

          We were married from 85 to 2000 and I was very lonely .



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Vikki Hall wrote Jun 27, 2009
        • I am just now seeing this thread. My hubz and I were seperated for 3 yrs. We were married for 12 yrs and our jobs got in the way or maybe it was our need to provide that got in the way. Anyways I really thought we would divorce so I dated after about 1 yr of seperation and no communication. What I realized was I could have any kind of relationship I wanted. It was just up to me to make it happen. Now that my hubz and I reconciled I believe it’s still up to me to create what I want and be very verbal about getting it. Not in an antagonistic way.
          I have read many books from many different types of people and learned that basically they all say the same thing.
          Really go pick up Steve Harveys book... it is simple and it is true!
          I am available to kick ass or lend a shoulder when ever needed.....



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          L J wrote Jun 27, 2009
        • thanks for the tip on steve harvey!
          and if i ever need you girls, i will call!
          i love you all!!!!!
          LJ



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Frannie1964 wrote Jun 28, 2009
        • I am going to have to pick up this Steve Harvey book, I keep seeing his name everywhere..lol estatic



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Susan Dahringer wrote Jun 28, 2009
        • When you get married,it is suppose to be a team always..Most couples get too comfortable in the relationship..And sometimes take this for granted ..Here’s what I have done in any relationship I have been in is ,instead of dwelling over the negative aspects ,look for the positive to make it better.Think back as of when you first met,and all the wonderful activities  you and he did together,like cook him a meal that he absolutely adores..take a night out and make it just for the two of you..Dating doesn’t stop after you say I do..



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tamra wrote Jun 28, 2009
        • sdahringer, I agree with your comments, but I think it only works when both spouses are interested in being a team.  Not everyone can get their spouse to participate.  

          For instance, I think most of the ladies here would love to go out on a date with hubby, but he just won’t go out with her.  So my question is how do we get the husbands to go out on the date?  How do we get both spouses on the same page, willing to participate in activites together to build more closeness when one of them isn’t interested?

          I wish I knew the answer...



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Vikki Hall wrote Jun 29, 2009
        • I understand about the teamwork and YES that is the way it should be. However I have found that once I initiate what I want there usually is teamwork.
          Now on the flip side for example.... my husband is way into all things cars (aren’t most men?) Because he wants to spend time with me and me be involved with him he will usually initiate me being involved in his activity....like last week when we went to the DIRT track. He knew that would not be my fav thing to do but he also wanted me to be with him.
          Now there are many times he has sat thru a chic flick (soon the new Gerard Butler movie) with me because he knew I would like him being there.
          There is no such thing as 50/50 only give and take. And you really should be giving more than you take in all things.
          But if you got anger/resentment/insecurities/unhappiness you will not be able to focus on anything other than those feelings.
          Now REALLY who is in control of how you feel? YOU? Your choice on how you feel so do SOMETHING about it!
          YOUR life is for YOU to live...anything else is just an excuse to avoid it.
          I am not trying to sound harsh or unsympathetic but I wished someone would have said these words to me awhile ago. Then I would not have wasted so much of MY time and MY feelings on something I control.
          How YOU want to feel is up to YOU!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lisa Middlesworth wrote Jun 29, 2009
        • My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He is the ying to my yang.
          I agree with Vikki, you have to be verbal about what you want and expect out of the marriage.
          I also agree that it helps to take interest in his hobbies and him the same with your hobbies.
          Don’t get me wrong, my husband is not always as motivated as I am about team work, but he normally comes around.
          Vikki, my husband loves old cars. He has a 77 SS El Camino that he is trying to restore. His uncle bought it brand new, and we bought it from his son when he passed away. It is his pride and joy and sometimes I think he should have married the car!!! lol



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Anonymous wrote Mar 5, 2010
        • Thanks to all of you who posted on this topic. I am so glad I found this site and know that I am not alone in my misery. I have been married for 18 years (together for 24) but anymore I feel that the only thing we have in common is a few houses, a lot of bills, and two children. I know exactly how most of you feel. He chose to works nights and I work days. My son and I go about our daily lives while he sleeps and he is gone by the time we get home from work/school. He never wants to go anywhere with us and when he does, it’s never any fun. Roommates definitely—but only on weekends. It’s almost more of a burden when he is home. I wonder what I am doing still in this marriage. I am so lonely and my life is passing me by.frown  My daughter is off to school and my son will start high school next year. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt them for anything. I think that is why I stay. But at what point am I hurting my son more by staying than leaving? So hard...



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Daphne wrote Mar 5, 2010
        • I think Vikki’s comments are fantastic!  

          This is a sad thread.  Too many woman accepting what they have instead of working to have what they want and need.  The work is the same, if you think about it.  It’s damned hard to eat your emotions, to ignore your needs, to carry the burden of an unfulfilling marriage.  Imagine the positive results you would have if you took that same energy and placed it squarely in the middle of your marriage!  Complacency is the enemy!  Action is key.  Decide what you NEED and get it.  Some may find that it’s with their current mate, others may find that it is not.  Either way, it’s YOUR responsibility to have that marriage you so deserve.

          Turn INTO your marriage to repair it, never AWAY from it.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Anonymous8 wrote Mar 5, 2010
        • Hi all,
          I agree that this is a sad thread.  I agree also that this is the kind of place that you can only be in charge of yourself.  There are a LOT of lonely marrieds out there.  

          Best thing is to do the best you can for yourself and make your own life AND keep trying with your husband too, because if you love each other, then that is the primary relationship in your life.

          Some friends and I discussed this and started writing about it.  There are a bunch of posts on how to spice up the married life.  Maybe some would help.  www.anonymous8.com.  If you like what you read, please comment with your experiences.

          Sarah Baron



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