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  • Memories...

    59 posts, 24 voices, 1827 views, started Dec 30, 2008

    Posted on Tuesday, December 30, 2008 by Denise Alleyne-Hill

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    • Carnelian
      Offline

      When I checked my email today I saw many messages about this poor young woman who was a victim of Domestic Violence and it conjured up all kinds of feelings for me. Then I thought back to last night and I received another email from another site I’m a member of, where someone wanted to share a video of DV. I had to pause and ask myself this, ‘What is God trying to tell me right now, in the midst of an old year going out and a new year beginning? Why is God sending me these subtle, or not so subtle messages?’

      And I think I found the answer, or part of it anyway.

      I am a Domestic Violence survivor. I had actually formed a group on fab40 for this, but I got only one response, so I assumed it wasn’t a necessary group. But now here I am, ready to share a brief part of my story.

      My first incidence with DV happened when I married my first husband, my daughters dad. He was a major control freak who didn’t want me to work or learn how to drive. He didn’t trust that I could/would leave the house and not return home, especially if I had my daughters with me. He controlled the money, to a point. I was responsible for making sure the bills got paid on time, but he had to see what I was doing with ‘his’ money. If I left the house with my mother, he would constantly call to check up on me and if I didn’t answer his call, the wrath was upon me when I returned home. At that time we had 3 small children and he never, ever lifted his hand to help me, but he found it very easy to put me down for everything I did, right or wrong. He would chastise me in front of the children, call me names and tell our girls exactly what he thought about me, which was not ‘prettied up’ for them. My oldest (who is now 20, is not his bio child) and whenever he and I would argue or fight, she’d come to my rescue and he would stop speaking to her for however long he stopped speaking to me. (sometimes weeks). He would also shower his bio daughters with so much love and affection, just to make us jealous.

      When I was pregnant with our third and last child, I was put on bed-rest for the entire pregnancy. One day I was so bored and sore from being in bed, I begged him to take us for a ride. Plus I was unable to cook at the time. We went to McDonalds and because he couldn’t hear what the girl behind the drive-thru window was saying, he cursed her out. I merely said that he was being rude and because of that, my children got nothing to eat that evening. We came home and it was on. He started screaming and yelling at me and I made a move to get to the phone to call our pastor because he was out of control. He snatched the phone out of my hands and I cowered over, scared that he was going to hit me with it. I ran to the side and he threw the phone at me, hitting me in my protruding belly. Now this was no ordinary phone, it was one of those fancy old-fashioned ones, pretty heavy. I immediately dropped to the ground in pain. He put on his coat and left the house. He came back later on that night and realized that I was really hurt and rushed me to the hospital. I stayed there for five days, scared about what he could have done to my oldest child. I was not scared for my youngest because he adored her so much. The nurses suspected that something was going on, but they felt that their hands were tied unless I was willing to say something. But I kept quiet, after all, where could I go with 2 children and one on the way and no job or car? And because of this, I endured many more moments like this, all verbal, but nonetheless, painful. Domestic Violence is not determined by the way you are attacked, but by the fact that you are attacked.

      Thanks for reading my story. There’s more to come, one day at a time.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • Thank you for sharing, Soulful.  It is hard to write this out and I am glad you did.  Much hugs and love.  I am out of words.



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • Thanks chinadoll..maybe this can help someone else..although I forgot to mention...‘I DID GET OUT!!!’



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • OMG Denise...your life brought me to tears.  So happy you are in a much better place.  My sister-in-law, unfortunately, never made it out.  She’s gone forever.



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          Marie Hempsey wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • Soulful. I am so sorry you went though this. I don;t even know what to say. I am just so glad you are here with us today and happy with your new hubby! God Bless You!
          Ree



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • I am so so so sorry Doreen...So sorry..Tears come to my eyes knowing that one more person did not make it out.

          I fear for my brother at times too..His wife is pretty abusive and he feels he has to stay for the safety of his son and the one on the way....

          yes by the grace of God I made it out...only to suffer worse...That’s the other story...But I’m in a good, safe, loving place now...



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          Karyn Olson wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • Soulful...it’s great that you got out...I too can relate to DV...and I hear some of it in your story...same S**t...different pile...

          With me there came a time when I just got tired of it all...I was sick and tired of being sick and tired...I knew I had to get out or I would eventually end up dead or in jail...that is how it was...the best choice I ever made was leaving him...

          Although I got counseling...I never totally healed...sometimes something will trigger it and all those old feelings and fears come back...but I am a much stronger person today...and one thing is for sure...I will not put myself in that position again...



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • Thanks irishree..it makes me appreciate the life I have right now, all the more...



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • karyno...I don’t think you ever ‘fully’ heal from DV...but you do get stronger...I’d like to say that leaving him made me stronger...but I’d be lying to myself...It took being someone elses punching bag before I was actually made aware of my value...and it wasn’t dictated by how many blows I could take standing up...but by getting on my knees and asking for my truth to be revealed



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • joyfull...the group is still there for all to join...but it’s like this one really...so I don’t know if they’ll be a need for it yet again...lol



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • Soulful, how about you and I try to find your group and combine into this one if it is alright with you?  I did that before by telling Victori.



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          Leadinladytracy wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • Soulful - I am so sorry you had to go through this. However, thank God you got out.



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • chinadoll..no need to search for it..just go to my page..it’s right there..called ‘I survived’ The subject is already typed up and everything..I had gotten the idea to start it when I spoke with another survivor on here..but forgot all about it



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Leeann wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • I had a boyfriend that was so controlling . He didn’t like me to talk to other guys or have girlfriends . He would show up at my house,if I didn’t answer the phone. One night he hurt me so badly. I have never shared this with anyone. I walked away and never looked back. I should of told someone. I was seventeen and scared.



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          Mztracy wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • (((((denise))))) i love ya gurl!!!
          and u always know where to find me!



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Dec 30, 2008
        • Soulful, I have searched through your blog list and I cannot find that blog you talked about.  Do you have the link or is it under a different name?



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          UK Girl wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Soulful, I love you I’ve missed you over the last week (time difference) - thank you for sharing what must still be a painful memory.

          Your an amazing woman - don’t you forget it



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          Linni wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • i too am a survivor, and know just what you are talking about soulful!

          im so glad you are with us toiday!

          love ya



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          Jomi wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Soulful, I am so sorry for your pain.  It sounds so much like my first marriage.  I wasn’t allowed to do anything without him standing there hovering.  He was very abusive, but smart enough to not leave obvious marks. I stayed for a few years because I wanted my girls to grow up in an undivorced family, but weighing 80 pounds and having him threaten my life everyday I finally decided that it was best to leave.  Either he was going to kill me or I would end up killing myself by being too nervous and developing anorexia.
          My second husband was less controlling, but hit me in the face and I now have minimal hearing in my left ear.
          My third (and last) husband just got real angry the other night and left me with bruised arms and hit me in the face. This is so unlike him....really!
          I ask myself...what is wrong with ME?



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • OMG!!!!....Jomi what are you gonna do??..I am deeply disturbed to hear this..I’ll PM you right now..I know you are not online right now but I pray you are safe....Please let us know you are okay Jomi..I know you say it’s not like him, but when they start, seldom do they stop abusing..be very careful..please!!!



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          Cheryl Guy wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • I am very familiar with domestic violence because of my best friend. We have grown up together since we were 5 years old & she had a horrible childhood! Her father was an alcoholic that got extremely violent & there were times when her and her siblings had to crawl out the bathroom window and run to my house for safety. I will never forget the time when they showed up on my doorstep because they had crawled out the window when her father started chasing her mom around the house with a butcher knife! She would not leave him because she feared that if they divorced, he would get time alone with the kids & she did not trust what he might do. She feared for their lives more if she would leave him. I loved my best friend’s mom so much and always thought that one day when all of the kids are grown, she can leave him & start life all over again. Unfortunately that never happened. She died at the age of 40 from cancer. Now my best friend and I are 40 & it makes me realize how young she was & how much of life she missed out on! I wish that there were laws back then to protect her and her kids like there are now. I know that the laws are still not perfect. At least when she died, her youngest was 17 & they all were able to take care of themselves.



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          Karyn Olson wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Yes girls...we gotta stick together....and share our stories...because from our experiences we are reaching out to the ones who are afraid to speak out....we need to lead by setting an example....perhaps someone out there is going through what we once went through and has no idea of what to do...perhaps they don’t realize that there IS a better life out there....maybe by just posting our stories we just might get through to one and get them thinking....we having nothing to lose....only a life to gain....happy



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          Holdonloosely wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Soulful... God Bless You! I am also a survivor. I didn’t know you had a group... I will have to check it out. I always think people look for inspiration and don’t want to talk about the old pain. But for those of us that went through this, we need to talk sometimes. Contact me anytime!



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • mslorid..yes I know you and what you’ve been thru..we’ve talked about it in great detail...I don’t know what to do or say about this whole DV BS..lol...I hate to think that every 30 seconds (I think that was the last count) that someone becomes yet another victim....Now I’m concerned about our sister jomi and what she posted on this page a couple od spaces up...I’m interceding on her behalf in prayer right now and have been since I read what she wrote...



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • There is a private group feature available exactly for that reason.  This way, you don’t have to PM each other so group member can share topics and all kind of opinions and support each other.

          If someone what to start a private group and has question, I know a few odds and ends.



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          Holdonloosely wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Soulful, I see why God is speaking to you. Jomi needs prayers, love, etc. Your post made her feel comfortable to speak out.  

          “I think we will keep making the same mistake if we don’t heal ourselves first.”



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • so well said karyno..I believe in exactly what you are saying...we open up it makes others comfortable to do the same..we band together..it gives other strength...

          holdon...Yes jomi needs us even if she thinks she can do this alone..like I did..No one knew the hell I was going thru because I didn’t want to taint anyone elses perception of my ex hubby..go figure...it wasn’t until the divorce that I finally came out and told my story and the horrible life I lived undercover...



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          Inakika wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • I would love a private group. I would like to post some of my story.



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          UK Girl wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • The reason abusers win is down to the shame – my friends who have all suffered horrific domestic violence all concealed it for years – living double lives.

          I felt a fool when they told me of instances for not guessing or spotting – their abusers had all been bright , clever but deeply controlling men ....almost textbook dream date hubbies.

          They all said I was too ashamed to say that my husband abused me – you would have thought I was worthless.
          One of my closest friends I only found out because I actually saw her piss her pants with fear when her husband phoned her and balled her out down the phone over some minor misdemeanour .........I can't put into words how small it made me feel that I hadn't noticed.



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Sometimes, we overlooked the verbal abuse, that was as painful.



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          UK Girl wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • yes belittling someone and robbing them of their self esteem is just as cruel - as my friend said if someone keeps saying your a worthless piece of crap after a while you feel like a worthless piece of crap ...



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • vickiday...that’s exactly how I felt..like everything negative that came out of his mouth (and my other abuser)..was true about me..If anyone gave me a positive comment or compliment, I never believed then...You get so used to and stuck on the negativity, it becomes a part of your life and only you can change your way of thinking..I still struggle with good compliments...



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          Karyn Olson wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Yes...abuse comes in all forms...emotional...mental...physical...spirital...financial...you name it...it’s there...regardless of what kind is taking place....it is wrong...and one is not more severe or less than the other...abuse is abuse...



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • My husband does not verbally abuse me directly.  However, his inconsiderate comments due to his illness cut like a sword, penetrate deep in my heart.  He would say “Your son (his step son) is useless” “He will end up in prison” or “I hate Chinese“... he really does not mean to.  I am not protecting him either for I told him what he just said, he did not realize, yet his mind could not comprehend feelings or ways to say it tactfully.  It is a shame and I am so wounded.

          I don’t know if this is called “Abusive relationship” for it is of different nature.



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          Busylizzy wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • (Soulful)- I can relate to what you WAS going threw I was there before twice in the past once at the age of 14 and again at the age of 25 both times I will never forget that Horrible ordeal. BUT I thank GOD that he spared me and all the others.



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          UK Girl wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Soulful my friend is a corporate lawyer – a senior partner you could Google her and be in awe but 10 years on she is still a bundle of nerves and still thinks people are not right when they compliment her – it drives me mad when she is like this as she is smart, sexy, funny the whole package but it's almost like a hollow shell on the outside the smart lawyer but on the inside a big voice is still booming "you're a dumb ass bitch " .......
          I will admit I have seen her husband once when I was out in Manchester and I walloped him with my handbag clean across the back of his head – never told her though- boy did that feel good.



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          Cynthia Schmidt wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • I need to weigh in here. I’m in the “club” so to speak. Ten years it took to completely erode my self esteem, cause me to second guess myself, believe I could do no better than him and I would starve out in the world if he hadn’t come to my rescue.

          with each bottle of gin, and there were many, his red swollen face, pinched and contorted would spew the kind of garbage only a drunken ignorant moron could master.

          I was terrified of him. He never laid a hand on me but his words seared deep scars on my soul.

          The worst part of it all was, I was raised by the most loving, kind and gentle man on God’s green earth. He died shortly after I started dating the jerk. I didn’t have my daddy to advise me to get the heck out of there.

          When people ask us why we stayed so long the answer may be different for each one of us. For me, he was so manipulative, so skilled at turning everything around and making it seem as if it was my fault. I had somehow caused each and every incident. I’m so grateful I’m free.

          Thank you, Denise, for bringing this issue to light. There are probably more of us than we realize who share this life past and present. This has given us an open door to share our experiences.



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • lol..vicki..i love your spunk..you know one of my deepest desires is to one day meet you..I love you so very much..you always compliment me and tell me what a wonderful soul I have and although I appreciate your compliments..it’s so hard to acknowledge them..and now you all know why..it’s still the ghosts that haunt me and until this all came out..i never even realized that my past still affects me like it does...i thought i was fully healed and moved on..how wrong i was....



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Cynthia..I had no idea you were a part of the sisterhood..Wow...I’m so sorry...I feel your pain also in your words...I believe that sometimes mental abuse can be a hell of a time getting over...You are constantly hearing the voices in your head telling you how worthless you are, or how no one else will love you and be there for you..but I’m here to say..those are all lies to keep us bound to the evilness that is inside the person...there is no truth to their words...



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          UK Girl wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Ladies - maybe if this loud gobby Northern Bird shouts loud enough from across the ocean  “YOUR ALL FAB AND AMAZING AND HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS......” The bad voice will quit.... so I’ll keep hollering.

          Soulful my mum says I have a bit to much of Salford in me to be a lady but she encouraged me to be a scrapper - so I’m just being my mum ...



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          Cynthia Schmidt wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Thank you, Denise, for you kind words. And, Vicki, I love your sense of humor. You really light up the place.

          One thing I did say to him in keeping with at least some of my dignity,

          “if you ever think of hitting me, just know this

          You’ve got to go to sleep sometime and I’ll be waiting.”



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • LOL...vicki..I miss hearing that word..scrapper..Oh how I miss England...and my sweeties and such...(I’m crying inside now.lol)



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          Doreen XoXo wrote Dec 31, 2008
        • Wow Cynthia!  I broke out in goosebumps.  Cheers to you!!



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          Jomi wrote Jan 6, 2009
        • Thank you all for your concern and prayers.  I have not had a chance to be on line with the kids home.  They have taken over my space!!!!
          I was so tired the other night of things I told my husband that I hoped something happened to me and I wouldn’t wake up after my endoscopy yesterday....but here I am!

          We had a talk with the marriage councelors from our church the other day and I am hoping that things will keep moving in a positive direction.  I want to al least try to do my best.  If it doesn’t work then I will have to go in a different direction.
          I am so glad to have you ALL for my friends...Truly blessed!
          Thank you!



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          Jomi wrote Jan 6, 2009
        • Thank you mslorid!  I’m just so tired right now. I’m not only having trouble with my marriage, but with the kids and I have ms.  It’s all coming at me at once!
          Thank you for your kind words.  I will take them to heart!



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 6, 2009
        • Angels on Call 24/7 here at Fabulously40.
          Hello, how may I be of service to you?
          We are all angels on call here.  



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