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  • My daughter wants to live with my mother

    16 posts, 14 voices, 3206 views, started Mar 22, 2009

    Posted on Sunday, March 22, 2009 by Dmrobich

    •  



    • Amethyst
      Offline

      Hey everyone!

      I know there was already a similar post about this subject, but this story is a little different and I would love to hear anyone’s expertise and/or opinion.

      My 11 year old daughter wants to live with my mother and father.  I was 17 when I had her, and we were living with them.  Though they love my daughter very much(as if she was their own), they are both alcoholics in denial.

      I made a mistake back then, and listened to them, and left her with them while I went to university.  I spent the first year of her life with her, but I was in high school and working evenings, and on weekends my parents would take her with them to their cottage.  I wasn’t allowed to be with her alone very much as they didn’t think I could take care of a child.  

      Her second, third and part of her fourth year of life were mostly spent with them, other than my time off from university when I would go live with them.  This was the hardest time in my life. I became highly depressed.  I didn’t always go home either, since my father had tried to strangle me one night while he was drunk.

      After my third year at school, I decided I couldn’t live like that anymore and took a year off to figure things out and lived with them.  A year later, my daughter and I moved out and away to the city where I had previously been living to go to school.

      While she lived with my parents, she formed a strong bond with them.  Now at the age of almost 12, she desperately wants to move back with them.  She bawls in agony(I’m not exaggerating) for HOURS at a time. This has been going on for a few years.

      Though, in my opinion, it’s not in her best interest and safety(because of lots of past violence) to live with my parents, I’d like to hear what other Moms think about this.

      There’s so much other stuff surrounding this topic as well...
      my parents would want her to live with them.
      my parents bad mouth(they bad mouth most people) my boyfriend and I in front of my daughter which decreases her respect for us.
      i want my daughter to be happy.

      I’m looking forward to reading what you all have to say!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sugarplumb6766 wrote Mar 22, 2009
        • It does not look like anyone commented on the other question about their child wanting to live with their grandparents. In my humble opinion in your situation it is not an option for her. You are her parent and your number one priority is her safety. If she continues the crying and carrying on speak with a school counselor or private therapist about her ongoing behavior.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mzzsugar wrote Mar 22, 2009
        • DMROBICH, You are the parent. You are the boss. Act like it. Your not her friend. Tell her straight up that living with her granparents is not an option, when she did before you felt you had no choice. Now she has no choice. Your rules are the rules And your home is her home. This may seem harsh but taking away the option, taking it off the table will actually free both of you to move on in your lives.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tish08 wrote Mar 22, 2009
        • My daughter moved in with my mother when she was almost 18 yrs old. it made me sad that she would want to leave me for my mother. She did not like our house rules. Now I regret allowing her to go because my mother is way more lenient than I was with her.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Martha Perez Torres wrote Mar 22, 2009
        • My daughter stayed with my mother and stepfather when she started school due to traveling issues and babysitting.  Even though I love my mother and stepfather I decided that it was in the best interest of my daughter to be home with us- not just on weekends.  My daughter who is ten is very attached to my mother and they have a very strong bond.  Many times my daughter has verbalized that she wants to be with her grandparents.  My answer  to her is to validate her wishes but also help her to understand that I am her mother and that she is to be with me and he brothers.  She cries and tells me that I am mean and that she wishes I wasn’t her mom. Even though it hurt to hear her say those words I know that she will calm down.  She gets to see them on weekends and on school vacation.  It is hard t see them cry but your daughter needs to be with you. You can also seek help through counseling for you and her.  Good Luck.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jacquie6363 wrote Mar 22, 2009
        • I am in conjunction with all the others, you are the mom, and whether she likes it or not, she has to abide by what you say.  So she wants to be a brat and brawl, let her.  As one of the others mentioned, please try to get some help for both you and her in this situation.  Move fast and make sure you have all this documented, her behaviour because of your refusal to let her have her own way.  She is still a minor and needs to remember that you are the mommy, not grandma.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 22, 2009
        • You‘re the parent be the parent no child has the authority to make their own decisions nor does the grandparents in this case or any other case especially in their present state of alcoholism, do what you need to do to take a stand in your parental guidance.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Angelcart wrote Apr 6, 2009
        • Wow, that has to be really tough emotionally.  I do agree with the others that you are the parent.  I got full custody of my son during our divorce and when he didn’t get his way he’d threaten to move in with his dad.  Finally one day I told him I’d help him pack.  That put an end to that.  But at age 15 he chose to move in with his dad.....that lasted 3 months.  His dad couldn’t handle “full time parenting“.  Maybe you could try reverse physchology???  I don’t know anything about your daughter but it worked on my son.  Good luck with this.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mzzsugar wrote Apr 6, 2009
        • I would not bother with reverse physcology, when my daughter and son, at different times tried the “I want to live with my dad” and I told them “Too bad, I have custody, it is for a reason, that is not an option” they both got over it and have gone on to be good kids, both in college right now.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Monkmom wrote Apr 9, 2009
        • What if the grandchild is not as wanted as the other sibblings in the family. my granddaughter has lived with me almost her whole life. Her mother(my daughter) only wants her when she has a new boyfriend or she is mad about something. She calls her all kind of names, cusses her and slaps her in the face all the time. she says some of the most discussting things to her and she is only 11. She doesn’t treat her other daughter that way. I want her to live with me and so does she, she has no feeling for her mother. Her mother won’t go to concelling or anything. I don’t know what to do. Normally a child belongs with her mother but in this case I’m not so sure. If anything happens to her because I didn’t try I would go crazy.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Daphne wrote Apr 10, 2009
        • Every child is entitled to grow up in an environment conducive to emotional well-being.  A home with 2 alcoholics who derive enjoyment from belittling others (to include their own daughter), where physical violence is even a remote possibility is NOT an environment in which i would suggest placing a child.  

          Every child will try their level best to find leverage in a situation where they have no control (i.e. you say “no” to something they want, they say “i don’t want to live here“).  Your daughter is continuing her tantrums because there is ambiguity in your position.  If you state plainly and clearly that living with your parents IS NOT an option and will not BE an option, she will learn to adjust (and, honestly...find another angle to try to get her way).  Any time that you appear to even consider it as an option, she gets the message that all she has to do is work harder to get what she wants.  When the tantrums begin, close the door, walk away, go outside, stick your ipod into your ears, clean the kitchen...whatever it takes to send a clear message to her that you‘re unaffected by her emotional outbursts.  When she settles down, try a calm conversation.  The second she raises her voice, end the conversation with, “I hope that we can have this conversation sometime soon...but i won’t be having it with raised voices.”  Walk away and find something to do.  You HAVE to have confidence in what you are doing...if you don’t, how can your daughter?

          It sounds as if you did what you had to do when you were young.  The idea that your father attempted to hurt you (drunk or sober, makes no difference) is CLEAR indication that your daughter could be in a potentially dangerous environment if she were to live with your parents...which is beside the point because it simply is not an option.  As stated by the other women, YOU ARE THE PARENT.  It’s not your parent’s right or responsibility to raise your child for as long as you are able.

          The idea that your parents bad-mouth you (and your b/f) is one thing (sad, as it may be), but the idea that they do this in front of your daughter is 100% unacceptable.  If it was me, i would make it clear to my parents that their grand-daughter is unavailable to them until they are able to provide a loving, accepting, supportive environment.  Afterall, it IS all about your daughter’s well-being.  I wish you luck with that one, though...

          I guess it’s all in what you want.  Do you want to be the parent your daughter needs?  Do you want to take control of a situation that NEEDS a leader?  If so, take a stand and approach it with confidence and faith.  Good luck!  

          Keep us posted...



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Linni wrote Apr 10, 2009
        • I am in agreement with the other ladies here!
          YOU are her parent, and she needs a safe and healthy home! not one where her life is in danger!  

          like Daph said.. tell your parents that your daughter is UNAVAILABLE to them until they get thier lives right, and that INCLUDES thier drinking!

          i left an alcoholic husband who tried to kill me, because i wanted to live, AND because i wanted my children to be safe, and to not see daddy hurting mommy.. i will keep you in my Prayers..

          • monkmom, your situation is different in that your daughter doesn’t want her child really.. i think what you are doing is wonderful for your granddaughter! do you have custody of her? i wish you the best in this and will keep you in Prayer


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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          3sa wrote Apr 10, 2009
        • Your parents home doesn’t sound like the best environment for a teenager, they are very tricky and she will be able to manipulate them very easy.

          I wouldn’t say no right away, I would ask her to write the pros and cons of living with her grandparents, and the pros and cons of living with you.  This will force her to think through her reasons.  Be sure to make her list 10 items at least for both pros and cons.

          Then discuss this with her, and then maybe you both will learn something about each other.  I would allow her maybe to spend the summer with them or something.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jenz ~ wrote Apr 10, 2009
        • Naturally your daughter will be confused or emotional about many things in your situation. She’s very young, and alcoholism in itself is a very loaded thing for anyone to be around, live with or deal with. With that comes so much codependent & unhealthy behavior, as I’m sure you‘re aware of. You have to get away from that immediately.
          You both do.
          She’ll be confused & emotional for some time. You remaining consistent with her, as calm as possible, and strong will help this situation alot but it will take time. You‘re both very familiar with your parents etc. Sometimes familiarity like that is more comfortable even though it’s unhealthy as can be. It’s up to you, now, to change this cycle. Stop the cycle. Get help if you need it. You are the Mom & this is your obligation.
          If you do not take control of this, and teach your daughter to live life in a healthy way, it will be her who’s reaching for a man and another beer. This shit repeats itself. It’s your job to make sure that does not happen. So, my friend, tell your daughter she will not be moving in with your parents and explain to her why. Get into detail if you need to. She’s probably going to push every button she knows to push to get what she wants. Be wise. Stay calm. Stick to your guns.
          We are always here if you need us.
          I seriously wish you the best of luck my friend. I know what this is like on more levels than one. pm me if you’d like to talk.
          I hope your holiday weekend is nice also.
          HUGS!!
          Sending you confidence, wisdom and strength.

          Jenz



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jenz ~ wrote Apr 10, 2009
        • Question- does she get along with your man?



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