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  • recent loss

    21 posts, 20 voices, 1360 views, started Oct 4, 2008

    Posted on Saturday, October 4, 2008 by Heidi Mitzelfeldt

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    • Amethyst
      Offline

      My Dad died in January of this year after a brave fight against bladder cancer. I am still feeling crushed at times.I find that it’s not only my grief for my Dad I deal with but the hurt my precious mother is going through as well. I keep asking myself “how much longer do I have to feel this pain?” and then being mad at myself for not wanting to think about my Dad so much.



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          Amy L. Harden wrote Oct 4, 2008
        • mitzey:

          I am so sorry for your loss.  Grieving the death of a parent, especially after watching them be robbed of their strength and ability to live a normal life is devastating to a child, no matter what your age....and then to watch those who loved this same person suffer from the grief...well, it just makes the grieving process even harder.

          No words from others can help you or your mother ease this road through grief...it is a process and one that you should try not to avoid.  Stuffing your emotions of grief will only make things much worse...you need to work through the stages at your own pace.  It took me ten long years to work through the grieving process of losing my own father to colon cancer....but I made it.  I made a lot of mistakes and made some very poor decisions in the process...all because I kept on stuffing the grief, building up resentment and anger, while not dealing with my grief in a healthy manner.  Much of my grief was caught up in unresolved issues from childhood and the fact that I thought I had disappointed my father through some of my decisions I had made throughout my life.  It took some intense counseling to go back and realize that I had never disapponted my father..he had been my hero...he uncondtionally loved me.  I needed to forgive myself. This may not be the case with you...but grief can be compounded by unresolved issues that were never dealt with while the person was alive.  

          Also, everyone deals with their grief differently and the timeline is also varying...some people never get over teh death of someone that they love...they get stuck in the stages of grief.  My mother never did get over the death of my father...she remained in the anger stage of grief until the day that she died, which was this past April.  My siblings and I were never able to get her past this stage.  She became a very bitter, resentful, angry old woman, never quite appreciating the blessings God had given her.  A person has to choose to move through the stages of grief...you can not force them.  Yes, you can gently encourage them...but grief is a very personal and intimate process...you can only control your own process, not others.

          This is my only advice to you:  Be gentle with yourself.  Lean in and depend on your faith.  Know and understand that there will be a time in this process that you will be angry with God for taking your father...this is okay...God knows and understands this...He will wait for you to understand His intent, eventaully God will reveal amazing things to you about why this has happened and one day give you the gift of acceptance and bless you with insight that will grow your spirit and life.  He will turn the most negative in to a positive...He will lead you out of the shadow of the valley.  Your only job is to ensure that you don’t get lost in the vally of shadow by allowing yourself to fall into a depression, giving in to a mid-life crisis and blaming others for what has befallen you.  Do NOT let anyone set a timeline for your grieving process.  Those who say to you six months or a year out from the death of a loved one that you should be over this by now...know nothing about about your grief, have not grieved themselves and if they have...they are people who have stuffed or silenced their own grief and will ultimately have to deal with it one day.

          The death of a loved one is the beginning of a season of change...change hurts...but it can be a period of your life that God will reveal things, grow you even further in your faith and in your spirit...it can be gift of strength, maturity and possibilities.  It is up to you to decide how this will truly affect your life.  I am sure your father would want the best for you and not have you swimming in a sea saddness over his passing.



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          Coachmombabe wrote Oct 4, 2008
        • Shepherdess, well said. Grief is such an individual journey, and it’s path isn’t completely predictable. And what you said about God knowing and understanding how we feel, so true. It’s impossible to surprise Him with our thoughts or emotions.  

          Mitzey, I think sometimes grieving is a little less painful if we don’t expect to become pain free. I lost a dear friend several years ago, I still deeply miss her presence in my life. And though this void never goes away, it gets much easier to live with.

          May God bring you comfort on your journey.
          Blessings,
          Cindy



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          Inakika wrote Oct 4, 2008
        • Mitzey,
          I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious father.
          I lost my oldest son AJ 3 years ago, he was 21 years old.
          It has been the hardest thing on earth to deal with, I have taken it one day at a time.
          Grief is such a personal thing, we all handle it differently. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.
          My heart and prayers are with you and your mom during this difficult time. God bless you.....



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          Leeann wrote Oct 6, 2008
        • I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father 17 years ago. The pain subsides after awhile and you look back at all the good times. The sad thing for me is my Mom is dying right now. smiles to you from me.



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          Sbajger wrote Oct 6, 2008
        • Im sorry for your loss but look at it this way he is with the Lord right now. In a place filled with milk and honey where everything is beautiful. The flowers the fields he is still watching over you from afar. He is out of pain and suffering but he is walking with the Lord right now in green pastures. And one day you will be with him again,  

          Sara



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          Heidi Mitzelfeldt wrote Oct 10, 2008
        • This is exactly why I wanted to start this group! I am receiving comfort in the words I have read. It is a relief to know that there is no cut and dried way to heal, and that it’s o.k. to feel the way I do.

          Thank you so much to all who wrote back!



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          Shopgirl1960 wrote Oct 11, 2008
        • Mitzey,

          I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I feel your pain, and truly understand what you are feeling, as many of us do.
          And it is so very helpful to find new friends who do understand. But, for me, as I went through the loss of a husband after being married for a significant number of years, it was staying “ever so” closely to the Lord. He was my one true strength. I had been going through a slight period of questioning God’s existence, I am embarrassed to admit. I was raised as an infant to into Christianity and I suppose one does, as a certain age, start to think outside the box.
          EVEN though I had MANY certain PROOF God was real, I still began to question. BUT, when my husband died I clung to the LORD and he sustained me. There was no one, nothing that gave me what HE could.

          I ask God to hold you close and to give you comfort as only He can.

          God Bless You and Your Mom!
          Della



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          Babytink2u wrote Dec 18, 2008
        • Hello Everyone.
          Well,in 2004 my father and I sat in the intensive care unit with my mother for one month and moved her to Hospice House where she died.  she had COPD/Emphysema.  Then I had to go back to Arkansas where I lived with my wonderful husband of 20 years and he was fighting for his life as well, he had Malignant Melanoma.    He died 6 months after my mother did.  He died at home in my arms....It’s been rough and I still have rough moments...  It is a little easier but the pain of losing them both is still there..  I don’t have any brothers or sisters, I am an only child.  I still have my father, thank god...



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          Christine Laureano wrote Dec 25, 2008
        • Mitzey - I am also sorry for your loss. And reading everyone’s comments, we all go through it (at some point) and it is comforting to know you have a community that understands.

          Yes, we all grieve in our own way. I lost my first daughter in 1995. My grief was very personal. I had friends that went though the loss of a child - the Universe puts just the right people in our lives when we need them.

          What I learned though my process is that ... it is so important to feel every emotions that you are going through. Know that, where ever you are in the grief process, you are right where you are supposed to be. If you find that you have gotten “stuck“, it’s really okay to find soemone to support you in your continued healing. ( I had an incredible grief therapist.) It’s important to go right through the middle of each emotion. I f we dance around the edges, we can stay stuck there. going right through it is part of the healing.

          And...don’t let anyone tell you how you should be feeling. Like..“it’s been 3 months, you should be getting on with your life.” You are where you are, in your feelings, for the reasons that are only know to you.

          Be kind and gentle to yourself. Use this community for support whenever you need it. Cry when you need to - and laugh when you need to. Feel like sh*t if you feel like sh*t and feel great when you feel great!

          And know that you will survive this - we all do!

          Hugs,
          Christine



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          Jomi wrote Jan 16, 2009
        • Mitzey...I am so sorry for your loss!  My Mom passed away last year.  It has been so hard.  I just want to hear her voice again...
          I know how painful and frustrating it is right now for you. The most important thing is to let yourself grieve whenever you need to. It’s the only way you will start feeling better. I don’t think it ever completely goes away, but it does get less painful.
          I am praying for you and your Mom.
          Joan



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          Mztracy wrote Jan 16, 2009
        • I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family!!



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          Theresa Simmons wrote Jan 16, 2009
        • im very sorry to hear this.God be with you at this moment ,and forever.



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          Kck0036 wrote Jan 17, 2009
        • Ladies, I feel like it was yesterday, I have not had a recent loss however I had a loss many years ago of my grandmother whom I was (& still am as I talk to her almost daily) very close to. I miss her more than anything and wish she could still be here. I know that we all dont live forever but dang it! My heart goes out to you all, the feeling of loss is the same today as it was many years ago.
          I am here for the same reason you are. For me it is a daily struggle but do know she is in a better place. I talk to her daily and she talks to me. I turely beielve that. May
          you remember and never forget the wonderful memories.
          Kristi-



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          Termite wrote Jan 17, 2009
        • I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  Take care of your Mom, she needs you right now.  I remember going thru these same feelings when when I lost my father 14 years ago.



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          Myrna Perez wrote Jan 29, 2009
        • I lost my dad in 2002 and there is never a day I don’t think about him.  Unfortunately, you never get over it, but you do get through it.  It takes time and you’ll be alright.  The transition is difficult, but he is here in spirit.  

          I wish you well—I know exactly how you feel.



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          Leeann wrote Jan 30, 2009
        • I lost a friend yesterday . Please pray for her daughter , she is nine years old. Thanks



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          Maria Louise Van Deuson wrote Jan 30, 2009
        • I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. It IS hard! Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my mom’s death, and next month is the 1 year anniversary of my mother-in-law’s passing. They say that time heals all wounds, but I believe we just find a way to deal with the pain. The pain may lessen, but it does come back from time to time.  

          You must allow yourself to express all the emotions that you feel. It’s important to do things for yourself to relieve the stress and make yourself feel positive about life. Your dad would want you to do that. Try to think of all the positive things about your dad’s life and how he’s no longer in pain. I envision our deceased loved ones as angels in heaven watch over us. It makes me feel better!

          Yesterday, I danced in honor of my mom.

          Hugs,

          Maria



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          Bobbi Bacha wrote Jan 30, 2009
        • Im sooo sorry for you loss, Im so lucky to have my mother and father alive.  I try to see them as much as possible.



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