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  • Remove Feelings of Regret through Forgiveness

    8 posts, 4 voices, 437 views, started Aug 25, 2008

    Posted on Monday, August 25, 2008

    •  



    • inactive
      Aquamarine
      Offline

      You may be inclined to view your divorce as a failure. Feelings of failure are normal. One can not have feelings of failure without feeling some form of regret. Maybe only if I would have done this or that my marriage would not have failed. We all go into the marriage believing that it will last a lifetime. When it doesn't we feel like we failed. Being women, it is even more common to take total responsibility or blame. In order to move forward through this phase it is important to realize that both parties made mistakes. It is equally important to let go of those mistakes. Forgiveness is the key.  

      Someone once told me that forgiveness is letting go of the belief that you can change the past. Think about that. Isn't that true? Mistakes are made, we all do it, if we didn't then we are not taking risks and are not moving forward. The key is to realize that we all do the best that we can with the information that we have at the time. Sometimes we haven't evolved to a point of making the right choices. So it is important to say, I can't change the fact, no matter how hard I try, that such and such happened. I must accept that it did and look to the future and stop trying to change the past. Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is, says "when you argue with reality you lose but only one hundred percent of the time". The past is reality the future is yours! Embrace the future and put the past to rest.

      My Regret
      I felt regret when my marriage of sixteen years ended. Actually, the regret showed up when my husband said to me "I am not sure I want to be married anymore". Wow, what a blow. Particularly, because he said it after I said to him, "I will be okay, as long as you tell me we will be together in the end".  The regret really wasn't about me though. I realized this after I had time to sit and think about things. My regret was for my daughter. What I mean is that I regretted all the mistakes I made in the marriage to cause her to be a product of a "broken-home". I guess deep down in my heart, no matter how liberal I believed myself to be, I did not think divorce was okay, particularly when kids were involved. Trust me, I changed my mind later. But let's look at where I was at this stage.  

      So how did I deal with my regret? Well first I felt sorry for myself and cried a lot. I fought with reality a lot and lost every time. Then I discovered that the only way that I was going to be able to let go of the regret was to forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I also needed to ask my daughter for forgiveness and yes, my husband as well. The method that I found to work best for me was to write forgiveness letters. I wrote a letter to myself forgiving myself for all the things that I believe I did wrong, contributing to the demise of my marriage. I then wrote a letter to my daughter asking for her forgiveness. Asking her to forgive me for the mistakes I made that contributed to her losing her stable home. Finally, I asked my ex-husband to forgive me for the things that I did that contributed to us growing apart and ultimately divorcing.  

      These letters were for my eyes only it was a way of purging these feelings of regret and accepting the fact that I can not change the past. It helped me identify the mistakes I made, accept that I am human and to learn from them going forward.  

      Challenge
      I challenge you to identify at least one person, other than yourself, who you can write a forgiveness letter. Find time within the next week to sit down uninterrupted and uninhibited and write the letter to yourself and the other person. Just let the words flow, do not censor or re-read them you are not going to be graded on grammar or spelling. If you take me up on my challenge I would love to hear about the experience if you are willing to share by emailing me at [Link Removed]  

      Want to learn from others or share your success stories? I encourage you to sign up for the [Link Removed] today and gain the support you need.


      Divorcecoach, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Yolanda Harris wrote Sep 10, 2008
        • I, Ayanda will do the challenge, because my local therapist has given me homework and this is apart of it. I’m Brave

          I will post it; One forgiveness letter ?
          or email it to [Link Removed]


          Ayanda, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Ladybug wrote Sep 10, 2008
        • This is a deep subject for me, but a spiritual one. It is close to 20 years since I left my husband taking 3 little kids with me. I am well past the place I was then but he is not. This means I really have an enemy for life. (I was awarded full custody of our children and was able to raise them on my own in my own way)
          At any rate, forgiveness is part of the healing process. For me it involved forgiving myself and, through God, all of those who are guilty of the abuse my children and I experienced. There will always be people in life who look for and need to abuse others. Forgiveness is not the same as opening yourself these people. I think it is important to acknowledge for self that you have been done wrong if that is the case. God has many children and will take care of those who do wrong and he will take care of the rest of us too. But, yes, to forgive in your heart is to let go. Forgive self, others and God. It’s not as easy as it sounds but once achieved the peace experienced, and the open door life presents you with is an overwhelming blessing I know I will carry for the rest of my life.

          I’m going to share this.
          About to go into surgery, my mother, with tears in her eyes asked me to forgive her for the abuse she was guilty of during my childhood. I was 37 years old. I told her I had already forgiven her, which I had during a difficult spiritual time in my life when I was in my early 30’s. She was stunned. I explained that it was really between me and God and that she should pray about it.
          This experience did not change who or what my mother is. She is the same. I do not allow her to be in a position in my life to affect my happiness. Maybe I don’t have a mother like many do but I have peace in my soul, I can love, I can move forward in my life and I know joy. These are gifts from God that maybe I would not have except for the negative experiences.
          Forgive me for dropping my baggage.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Yolanda Harris wrote Sep 10, 2008
        • Identify at least one person, other than yourself, who you can write a forgiveness letter. Find time within the next week to sit down uninterrupted and uninhibited and write the letter to yourself and the other person. Just let the words flow, do not censor or re-read them you are not going to be graded on grammar or spelling.

          Hey, Ladybug
          Sister by another mother and father, we have a similarity. Do the letter, and email it to [Link Removed]

          Then go somewhere safe use safety as the guideline and either burn the letter and watch it go up in flames as you have forgiven yourself for what is in that letter. Or as I attempted to teach my {TBD} Soon to be Ex- spouse, tie the letter to a Helium Balloon and allow it to float away watch it til you absolutely can not see it or get tired of watching it, as this exercise for the works of forgiveness are practiced. I for one person do not need to ask the permission for any human being to forgive me because they could be the reason there is no contact due to abusive background and etc....

          As with your Mother, when I attempted to provide her with poetry and a letter of appreciation and a letter of forgiveness, she struck me emotionally to think it was okay to then place all blame upon me and dump on me.

          Ladybug
          As India Aries said : You are not the bag lady, so you did not dump anything here but a package of love from your soul to share.

          You are the Ladybug.
          Delicate

          Keep your head up:
          coach@lisafredette.com
          Go for it !
          Burn it or float it....til you are tired and forgiveness is complete.

          Question : Is forgiveness much like when you are so tired you forget . . . . ?  

          ” I can’t hold on....I’m tired.....I Give....I forgive....or is it oh, I forgot what are you talking about ? Loss of memory is forgiveness if done with the inner self.  

          I feel bad about something, I hold on to it so it leaves me inside unforgiving and memorable of the event or happenings.  

          Well if I can forgive myself then why am I asking and writing this forgiveness letter to someone else?

          Just for me ; My forgiveness letter will be my letter to the children.


          Ayanda, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Ladybug wrote Sep 11, 2008
        • _*I feel bad about something, I hold on to it so it leaves me inside unforgiving and memorable of the event or happenings.
          Well if I can forgive myself then why am I asking and writing this forgiveness letter to someone else?_*

          Yes, the pain, the bad memories, the inescapable despair. The only thing to do with it is to give it to the Lord. To let go is to forgive. Then...then you can move on.

          It's all past now, I did my forgiveness thing. I understand the guilt is the weapon now chosen for use against the strong woman who has overcome the pain. Don't open yourself to that either.
          I thought my words were too strong because there was no response for a while. (I worried I was in violation of "site rules of conduct" lol) I just need to be understood! Thank you!

          I need this site for just this reason. I can see where I am due to my experiences. I want to be helpful with words when I can on this site, I have experienced a lot. But I still have half my life to live!
          I have worked with abused children and their families within my community so I can talk about it. The hard part is living a full life within this crippled world.
          is this your e-mail coach@lisafredette.com...you'll hear from me.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Martha60 wrote Sep 12, 2008
        • Almost being divorced has been bittersweet. I still call him and ask for directions or to borrow his drill bits. I don’t want to lose our relationship as a friend. Is that asking for too much? martha60



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Ladybug wrote Sep 12, 2008
        • I’m the wrong one to ask, martha60.
          I’m a hard core Philly bitch who doesn’t look back!
          I LOVE SAYING THAT ABOUT MYSELF!

          If you can create a relationship that is supportive for you...You are the DIVA.

          Can you get him to drill the bit into the spot you need?



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Yolanda Harris wrote Sep 12, 2008
        • I for one know I can not be friends it’s too familiar to how we agreed that we NEED to Divorce, and it would keep him some what tied into my life and allow him to interact with my daily life . He is what he is an EX.  

          It’s called Broken because it’s a BREAKUP

          Using him to be that friendly . . .
          Handyman = Honey Do you ? Were we sure ? Just stay close enough I wasn’t sure, until I can replace you with ....?
          Then those drill bits you borrowing will not be getting borrowed when either of you get replaced ....by ?????

          Because, the next after the Ex will say : Tell #@* to get their own drill bits..... or I can get you drills bits you don't need to borrow his *@#* drill bits !

          So go get you a nice light tool kit with your own drill bits and CUT the STRING, before you cause more pain to trip up on.

          Ex’s are not friends, that’s absurd  

          They are called Ex’s for a reason

          and other names, like Baby Daddy Drama, or Grand - dad,  

          But not a friend because that relationship called friend keeps endearment ALIVE and how will you FALL IN LOVE again with

          YOU, if you keep the strings` . . . NOW if it’s been over 1/2 the time you were married that then you re- friend- ed each other . . . maybe ” He could earn the TITLE back, case by case basis.....

          ONLY my opinion - RIGHT

          We bounce off each others feelings and experiences here, Don’t we ?

          Don’t be critical of yourself, we are the best person to beat us up....
          So here we do not have to be alone -
          Pick me up, and I pick you up  

          So how your day ? Forgetful mines is.



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