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  • Step parenting, a balancing act

    10 posts, 7 voices, 1076 views, started Nov 23, 2008

    Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2008 by Cynthia Schmidt

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    • Diamond
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      Ambassador

      I love my step daughter. She treats me pretty well, says she loves me and allows me unlimited access to my husband’s 3 year old granddaughter. But sometimes I want to sit her down and give her a piece or two of advice. I want to share with her some of my life experience. I want to help her head off some of the consequences of her life choices.

      And then there’s her mother.

      Who I get along fine with. We have no problem with one another. We’ve never had “words.” But the two live together so I have to be careful what I say and how I express my opinion.

      The other day, my husband’s ex approached her daughter and asked her for her car keys. She said the car payments haven’t been made for a couple of months and it was being re possessed. Now my step daughter gives her mother money out of her paycheck, actually she gives her the majority of the paycheck, and some of that money is to be used for the car payment.

      But mom needed to spend it on other things.

      Huh?

      So here comes my husband’s daughter in a panic with no money, a 3 year old daughter to get to preschool and a job to get to every day.

      This is just the beginning. This woman plays with her daughter’s head like this all the time.

      What are your step parenting stories. I know you have them!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jomi wrote Jan 16, 2009
        • I have two step sons. I have been with their Dad for 7 years.  They are 18 and 19.  They used to go to their Mom’s house for a week and then come to ours for a week, etc.
          Their Mom was friendly with me until I started dating their Dad, even though they had not been together for years. Now she refuses to be friends and never has anything nice to say about us.
          The boys are in cllege but live with us now whenever they are home.
          I am thankful that they are kind to me...as much as teenage boys can be!
          They get along well with my girls who are 19 and 21, which I am also greatful for.
          It took them a few years to realize what she is full of and it was amazing to listen to them when this happened. Some of the things that they thought were outrageous.
          She recently told them that she was sleeping with one of their friends...yes! a 19 year old. How gross!
          She can’t understand why they won’t come visit her or call her!
          I have decided not to get into it because they are now old enough to make their own choices.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Jan 24, 2009
        • mybaby, my heart goes out to you.  But I do have to ask, why have you stayed with this man and his son?  An affair?  Chosing his family over you?  You are far more patient and forgiving than I could ever be.

          Chocolatier, step-daughters can be a joy, but one must always choose ones words with care.  I always say my step-daughter (now age 26) is one of my own.  Her mom is not in the picture so she thinks of me as “mom“, but still I can’t just yell at her and tell her how stupid she’s being like I would one of my biological children.  There are certain lines that just can’t be crossed.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tracey07 wrote Jul 6, 2011
        • My stepdaughter (32) who has called me her “best friend” and her “moral compass” for the last 5 years has met a man on a dating site and is now madly in love and I haven’t heard from her for 6 weeks, even though we live in the same town!  

          I’ve know her since she was 18, and she pretty much hated me until she was 24. So while I’m fearful that we‘re going back to those “bad old days“, I think I’m really just hurt at being summarily “dumped” so fast when I have been there for her, been grandma to her 2 kids, nursed her through a divorce, a remarriage and then a divorce. Any advice on how to mend my broken heart and let her be the grown-up woman that she is?



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mary Clark wrote Jul 6, 2011
        • Cynthia...on the car....the loan...whose name is on the loan and whose name is on the title of the car?  If the mother’s name is on it and not the daughter...then it’s only going to effect her mother’s credit.  But if the mother & daughter are on it...then they both will suffer with a repossession.  Your step daughter needs to decide if staying with her mother is the best thing for her and her own daughter.  

          I think you could explain to her the consequences of letting the car go back and without attacking her mother or putting her down...you could explain the pros and cons and then let her make the decision.  It then takes it off of you so to speak.

          Tracey:  My advice to you is to stay true to YOURSELF.  Don’t let her actions dictate to you how to handle her.  If and when she calls I wouldn’t be ugly but I would be short and and to point.  She will eventually get the message and when she questions you then I would explain.  Sounds like she is totally infatuated with this fella and is oblivious to everyone else around her.  The less you say the better off you will be.  She is going to need you before you need her.  Does anything of that make sense?  LOL



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tracey07 wrote Jul 6, 2011
        • Thanks for the encouragement! Intellectually I know this but it is SO validating to hear it from someone else! My husband (her father) is doing the ostrich thing (head in the sand) because I think he’s “scared” we‘re going back to the days when he felt pulled between his wife and his daughter, so it’s kind of lonely wondering “how do I deal with this, are my (step)grandchildren safe with Boyfriend” all by myself, and NOT picking up the phone to say “What is UP with you, child?”



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