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Benefits
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Posted on Friday, October 3, 2008 by Cheryl Guy
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
This is one of my favorite pictures!!
RED NECK SMOKE DETECTOR
My joke for today:
Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
My close friend, Jackie Martling, (my kids call him Uncle Jackie) is a one man joke machine. I have to copy and paste them because I can’t tell them. I’m horrible at remembering jokes and he does it for a living (after spending 15 years on the Stern show as his head writer and funny guy).
So, I’m swiping this from Jackie (thanks J!)...
Three guys are arguing at a party about who has the best memory.
The first guy says, “I can remember my mother putting on my diaper.”
The second guy says, “That’s nothing. I can remember being born.”
The third guy says, “That’s nothing. I can remember going to a party with my father and coming home with my mother.”
EEEW hahah. That is just the most depressing cartoon ever!! hahahah
I’m so bad at jokes I don’t even know the difference!! haha
All I know is I saw that cartoon and I thought, “OK. I did make the right choice getting implants“.
A joke I taught my son, when he was about 8:
Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: First, you cut a hole in the ice. Then you put peas all the way around the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
He didn’t understand the joke for a year or so, but loved repeating it because it was the closest I’d let him come to cussing in front of other people.
Stellar parenting skills, I know.
Another classic from my repertoire (a long-y, but a good-y):
One day, a young man arrived in Amish country to fulfill his life-long dream of becoming a farmer. After he secured his land, he went off in search of animals to farm.
On the walk into town he came across a man selling hens.
“Good afternoon, sir,” the young man says. “I’m here in Amish country fulfilling my life-long dream of becoming a farmer. I couldn’t help but notice that you have hens for sale. I’d like to buy one, please.”
“Sure,” says the old man. “But I feel as if I must warn you that around these parts, we don’t call them hens. We call them pullets.”
“Thank you very much, sir, for the pullet and the information.”
And he tucked the hen under his arm and then continued on his way. A little further down the road he came across an old woman selling roosters.
“Good afternoon, ma‘am,” he begins. “I’m here in Amish country fulfilling my life-long dream of becoming a farmer. I met a kind gentleman just up the road and he sold me this pullet. I couldn’t help but notice that you have roosters for sale, and I’d like to buy one.”
“Sure, sonny,” she answered. “But I feel as if I must tell you that around these parts, we don’t call ‘em roosters. We call ‘em cocks.”
“Thank you very much for that information, ma‘am,” he says as he pays for his purchase.
So, with a rooster under one arm and a hen under the other, the young man continued on his way.
Further down the road he comes across an old man cursing and beating a donkey with a stick.
“Sir, sir! Please sir, I’m here in Amish country to fulfill my life-long dream of becoming a farmer. I couldn’t help but notice that you‘re having some trouble with this donkey. If you’d like, I’d be happy to buy it from you, saving you from any further grief.”
“Fine, fine,” the old man said. “I’ll be glad to be rid of the beast, to be honest with you. But there’s two things you should know: #1, this beast is very spoiled, and will sometimes stop walking altogether unless you scratch his back. And #2, around these parts we don’t call it a donkey, we call it an ass.”
“Thank you sir, thank you very much.”
So, with a hen under one arm, a rooster under the other and leading a donkey by a rope, the young man decided it was time to head home. About halfway there, however, the donkey stopped dead in his tracks.
The young man didn’t know what to do; if he set either the rooster or hen on the road, they would surely run off. But, he couldn’t just leave the donkey standing there, either.
Fortunately, a young woman came walking up the road toward him. When she got nearer, he spoke.
“Pardon me miss. I’m here in Amish country to fulfill my lifelong dream of being a farmer. I’ve been walking all day and have almost made it home, but now I’m in a spot of trouble and was hoping you could help me.”
“Sure,” she said. “What can I do?”
“Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”
Well....I don’t have that anymore...no implants but I did get one hell of a breast reduction.....one of the best surgeries....besides the hysterectomy.
Then you DON‘T love all of our jokes, since a good portion of us posting tonight have hit upon at least one of those taboo topics.
Quite frankly, if people didn’t speak because someone somewhere MIGHT be offended, the world would be a very quiet place.
They‘re jokes. They‘re not personal.
I posted here last night before heading to bed. I laughed at these until I cried... or maybe because I was so tired from keeping such late hours. (see my addict blog) And now, really, I am going to exercise a little self control.
Just to cool things off here in case they get heated...I think there is a fine line as to what is offensive here.I think we’ve all used profanity in some form but some members are more apt to feel offended by the stronger words. I think it is tough to please all in the world of social media. No one wants to be censored but just removing the really vulgar words will help keep the peace.Hope this makes sense!
I’m blonde and Polish. I hear jokes all the time and enjoy the fact that Blonde polish women get so much attention. Jokes are jokes. Meant to be light hearted.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
“Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.
I so agree...we can laugh, have fun...no one is out to hurt someone else. Or so I hope. Profanity is used daily by most people...we can not be protected from that. However, we can just clean up our act a bit. I’d say “shit” and “crap” would not get anyone’s panties in a bunch, but when we go a bit further...yikes.
I don’t have sensitive ears but I’m certainly one who thinks that we can express without being overly crass.
A Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then There’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a hoot.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1—A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3—(Frank) Holy Crap What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1—Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2—Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3—Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2—A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic...
Judge # 1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2—Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1—Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those Rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1—Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2—The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2—Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have
reacted to really hot chili?
**Very Funny stuff... I am not good at this either..Here it goes...If women with BIG busts work at Hooters...Where would a “One Legged” woman work? Answer: I HOP.. heheheh
texastwintwo: LMAO..thats a good one...heheheh I will remember that one when someone asks the question: Which came first...Nice..
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... every time I try to post something it tells me that the session expired !
Quickly.. then... LOVED YOUR POST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was walking along the beach when he found this bottle with a Genie in it. He rubbed the bottle and the genie came out. She told the man that he would get three wishes but there was a catch, his mother-in-law would get twice as much. so he agreed. The genie asked him for his first wish and he said, I wish I had a million dollars, the genie says okay but remember yout mother-in-law gets two million, yeah yeah he says. The next day the man comes and syas he would like a mansion, the genie replies okay, but your mother-in-law will get a mansion twice as big. The third day the man goes to the genie and says I want you to beat me half to death........
How to Tell If You‘re Addicted To E-mail
*****************************
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 28.8 KBPS- modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can’t call your mother...she doesn’t have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because
they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at [Link Removed]
to a friend.
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it
That is funny Jackie....and you‘re right....they will take what you say...literally....
Trying to load a commercial that is funny...but I can’t figure out how to get on here...
You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid’s
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .
17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it.
At least one of these made you smile.
Okay -I have had my laugh/cry for the day. Those were great! Now, I am going to exercise self control, and go to bed at a decent hour.
I am so NOT good at remembering/telling jokes, but I love to laugh.
Truly - laughter is good medicine! There are chemicals produced in the brain when you laugh that help you to be healthy - just thought I’d throw that in there so we could rationalize away some of the time we spend being silly. It is good for us! :)
Sharing Hope,
Dee Dee
Oh my gosh!!!! Your jokes cracked me up !!!!!
Thanks for the laughs this morning.
I need to find a few from my large collection.. and somehow CLEAN them up so I can post them. lol (laughing out loud).
NACHO Cheese.... OMG! Too hilarious.
I am going to share all these jokes with my clients. (big smile
Oh... I thought a few funnies. Well at least they are to me. lol
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the wall?
~Art
A man with no arms,no legs in the fireplace?
~Burnie
A man with no arms,no legs on the front porch?
~Mat
A man with no arms or legs under the leaves?
~Rustle
Also, Have you all read the book,“Squeaky Springs,“by the author, IP Nightly ?
or
“Under the Grandstands,” by ICmore Butts ?
| IT'S TIME TO LAUGH! | View Group » |
Anything to make us laugh!
Create lasting relationships
with other like minded women.
