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  • The Cold Hard Truth

    39 posts, 13 voices, 1139 views, started Jan 4, 2009

    Posted on Sunday, January 4, 2009

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    • inactive
      Carnelian
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      This will be short.  I am processing, not well, but processing none the less.  

      I can’t find words for how I feel about our sister Louisa’s plight.  What I can formulate isn’t fit for human consumption.

      I have always felt unworthy of the “you‘re so strong” and “you are doing so much good“, because deep inside I know me.  I am none of those things.  I know I can’t fight this fight.  

      I can be strong, I can talk, I can even walk the walk, until we get to this point in the road.  I am praying for her, her family and working behind the scenes with friends to see what they can do.

      The truth is, there are hundreds of Louisa’s today fighting for their lives.  Some in hospitals, some in shelters, some on the run and some trapped.

      The real truth is, this is too painful.



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          Psalmist wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • What I’ve found Lori, is instead of focusing on the all the women out there and all that has to be done for Louisa, is focusing on what I can do.  We all have gifts, and we all have lanes in which we must travel.  It’s dangerous to us and to others when we try to do too much, or try to use gifts we don’t possess and start “swerving into someone else’s lane.”  No one expects you to save all the abused women, and as much as we would love to be, we can’t be judge, jury and executioner for her ex-bil either.

          Our hearts bleed as well, but we can’t do those women any good if we‘re worn out from trying to do too much.  Lori, we might need you for something else for which you are equipped, but if you‘re off doing something you‘re not meant to do simply out of a feeling of obligation, then you may miss your chance to really make a difference.

          We also cannot be too concerned about what others are or aren't doing.  As has been stated over and over on this site, the only people we have control over is ourselves.  We can only make a difference if we do what we're supposed to do, and let others' make up their own minds.  We just do what we can and let GOD handle the rest.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • Lori,
          Please know that by being the strong woman you are, you enable other women to feel some worth.
          I know how it feels to feel worthless. I know how it feels to feel all alone. I have been there.
          When I first married my husband, he used to beat me.
          Not too many people know my story, but today I feel compelled to tell a bit of it.
          We were young, too young. I had never been on my own before. He was jealous. Jealous of my family. Jealous of my friends. Plus he felt that I was lazy and did not do things like his mother did. His mom told him that it was okay to hit me, that sometimes we needed it, so he did.
          He would threaten me and I would be so afraid. But I had 3 little ones and no job, what was I supposed to do? So I stayed.
          One time, I went to the beach with one of my friends and our kids. When I got home, he was like a wild animal. I went to my friends house and he came over there to get me. I would not leave, so he pushed me down and dragged me by my hair all the way home. When we got home he hit me so hard in the eye that I literally flew across the room. When people would say they saw stars I never understood. I did that day.
          I could write all day about the things I have been through, but I won’t. All I can say is we have grown up and he has changed. But I think after all I have been through my heart has hardened. I love him but I can’t say I will ever be in love with him again. Why am I still with him? I don’t know. Familiarity? Fear of being alone? I’m not sure. I’ve been with this man ever since I was 18, married him at 19.



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          Psalmist wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • okay, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOO, we can’t have that!  you have been there for me, so what can i do to help lift this weight from your shoulders.  please tell me.  pm me if you have to, but don’t sit in this with that emotion hanging over you!



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          Inakika wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • I’m so glad to be here today with you all too. Even my mom once told me she thought he would kill me. Every time I hear of a woman that has been injured or died, I shudder a little to think it may have been me.
          I think the hardest part for me was feeling alone. My family never understood, especially my mom. And I never felt she was there to help me. I sought solace in the bottle and drugs.



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          Mz. Queen wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • My story is not as hard as your story, but it is a story. I married when I was 18 moved from Virginia to Texas, where the only family I had was my inlaws. I stayed married for 14 years. The abuse I suffered was physical, emotional, mental and verbal, but I was strong enough to be a survivor in the midst, all along planning my escape, once I managed to get away, but I came back. There was a little change but the biggest change was in me.  

            So one day enough was enough, I went to a lawyer and the rest is history. That man admits he messed up and often tries to woo me, but it ain’t happening. I am stronger for my journey and hold onto hope, because I truly love male relationships.

          [Link Removed]


          47ntiredorunnin, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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          Psalmist wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • Lori, survivor’s guilt simply emphasizes that YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!  Although we can’t go back and change what happened, we can move forward and affect what happens.  Use the experience to build someone, not tear yourself down.  We all react to different situations in different ways, and heal from traumas at different rates, and we‘re here to help you heal.  We won’t rush you, but neither will we allow you to retreat!  Two or more carrying a burden makes it seem lighter, so we‘re here to help shoulder this with you.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • We will pray she did not. We will pray.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • We‘re here for you, Lori. We‘re here.



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          Psalmist wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • we’ll be checking up on you.  get some rest, find a pleasant memory and concentrate on it.



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • Lori, I am sending you an virtual hug, holding you until you ask me to let go... feel it... squeeze!



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • Aaron Hass (In Lemberger, 1995) said that, “guilt is the penance one pays for the gift of survival.” Rather than focus on the burden of guilt, remind yourself that you and your loved ones have been given a gift—the gift of your survival. Embrace your will to survive and fight the forces that challenge your way of being.

          [Link Removed]


          Chinadoll, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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          Mztracy wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • Lori, my sweet friend. What all these wonderful women have said I ditto.

          I have to say this...
          Lori you survived to be the voice for all the Louisa’s in the world and their families. Your strength in telling your story WILL save a life just as Louisa’s story will.

          Even if only one woman reads the stories and finds her strength to leave, that is one life saved!!



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          Mztracy wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • Ingrid...huge huggzz coming your way. I am very glad you opened up about this!!
          xoxo



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          Linni wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • Oh Lori, i have the same feelings you do..
          after reading all that happened to Louisa, my PTSD decided to rear its ugly head..i haven’t been the best at anything because of all the flashback and nightmares..

          What i do know is this: GOD IS IN CONTROL! even in the bad Lori, He is in control! this has been really hard on me, and haven’t posted too much.. i just kinda froze up.. my emotions are crazy.. im crying, and cry when i think about Louisa, and when  things flash into my head...

          We are all here for you Lori, and love you lots...let me know if you need anything!

          Love Linni



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          Cynthia Schmidt wrote Jan 4, 2009
        • I’ll tell you all one thing, members here come and members here go but the women on this site are some of the most special, beautiful, caring, loving, strong, inspiring....... I’ve ever been blessed to come into contact with.

          I’ve been reading this post and I am at a loss for words to contribute anything of any great consequence. I’m really just in awe.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 5, 2009
        • He is really a piece of crap and you must remember that. People like him will always live in their own private hell.
          F*CK HIM!
          MzTracy, Thank you! I have never opened up before, it indeed felt good. And what is better is knowing that someone cares. I never felt that before.
          You ladies have not judged or condemned me for still being with this man all these years later. But I can tell you all, this has given me food for thought.
          Lori, I love you.



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          Psalmist wrote Jan 5, 2009
        • Lori, sometimes when we‘re juggling so many balls, one or more of them falls.  we understand.  we may not have your exact experiences but we can each relate to some kind of trauma or drama that’s affected us deeply.  I think that’s our common thread, why we‘re all somehow drawn to and stay with this site.  Ingrid, after being the caregiver for so long, finally found the place and time to open up.  You should be proud that you helped make that possible, and Ingrid should feel lighter that she’s let that part of her burden go.  

          I’ve learned in my short time here that there are going to be subjects posted on this site that may bring out sides of us that we thought were either gone or well-buried.  That’s only God telling us that it’s time we dealt with it, once and for all, and to finally be rid of it.

          As with all trauma: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, it takes varying amounts of time to reach a place of healing, and lots of care while we‘re healing.  But we‘re all here helping each other.  We may be wounded soldiers, but we‘re soldiers nonetheless, and we‘re still on the battlefield, defeating the enemy at his own game!

          I don’t know about y‘all, but after what we’ve been through this weekend, i’ve got my game face on and i’m ready to wreak some havoc on the enemy’s camp.  If you‘re on “R&R” right now, stay and rest, but if not, let’s go kick some “terrorist” butt!  Who’s with me?



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 5, 2009
        • I am a Big Kick Butt person though I know nothing about Karate or Kung Fu.  My fart is loud and stinky too.



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          Psalmist wrote Jan 5, 2009
        • can somebody smack cd with a wet noodle please?



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 5, 2009
        • Why?  You cannot even smell me!happy Or are you smelling your own self by chance??? Wink.



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          Inakika wrote Jan 5, 2009
        • China, you are so funny!



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          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 5, 2009
        • Funny and no messing around with me, ha ha.. I will kick you. happy



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          Almostfive0 wrote Jan 5, 2009
        • Mrslorid...girl, don’t you know we are all unstable from time to time. Ain’t no shame in feeling your emotions.

          They are there for a reason...just like the scab on a wound they are there to help you heal and grow. We have to let them air out occasionally.
          Cry when you need to. Our tears are what flushes out and cleanses our wounds. This will pass. You heal a little more only to be opened again by something that scraps away the fragile covering and the cycle begins again.
          But with each revolution we get stronger and tougher and ready to help the next sister who has falling along her path. We are here to help you as you stumble.
          This does not make you weak...it makes you even more resilient..it makes you a warrior!

          We all have our own story, we all have our own scares. Some of our scares are deeper than others but they are there non the less.
          Peace to you.



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