The Dirty Dozen

If you thought there was just one kind of Mr. Wrong, think again. The authors of “He’s Just NO Good for You,” Beth Wilson with Mo Therese Hannah, Ph.D., present a dozen destructive men whom you‘re better off not having in your love life. There are some surprising types among them—“the nice guy,” “the pillar of the community” and “the self-righteous progressive.”

The Corrector
He’s always amending your opinions to fit his own—insisting you like the same things he does, when he knows that isn’t really the case, and he readily hints about his preferences until you catch on and comply. While you may think of him as particular or fussy, the truth is, he cannot tolerate views that differ from his. The onslaught of questions like, “Why don’t you wear the red dress?” can be never-ending, but the corrector isn’t really looking for answers so much as trying to herd you into submission.  

The Charmer
A dictionary might describe a charmer as someone who has the power to please others through his personality. While these men may be adept at figuring out what you like, once the charmer attaches himself, flattery and humor can be used to manipulate. Sadly, when you try to tell others what you‘re experiencing, they often don’t believe “such a great guy” could do such a bad thing. Once you catch on to his charming façade, it can be maddening to see him charm the pants off of others.

The "Nice Guy"
Genuinely good guys are kind, considerate, loyal, loving, playful, humorous, sweet individuals who truly like women and like anyone else can have bad days, grouchy moods and occasional tempers. The difference between real nice guys and destructive men who successfully play the nice guy is that for the latter, the negative characteristics are the norm. They can be impatient, bossy, judgmental and self-absorbed. Perhaps more important, there is an underlying agenda designed to keep a woman down.

The Pillar of the Community
Graduated with honors; loved by his management team; pitched in to help orchestrate the local holiday parade ... the profile is perfect. However, it’s woefully incomplete. These seemingly credible men have money or prestige or power, or all three, which makes them look very good from the outside. This kind of guy often uses subtle forms of verbal abuse, mind games and emotional terrorism as tools of control that go completely unnoticed by others, who are too busy admiring his new car.

The Control Freak
Perhaps he calls your cell phone or e-mails you repeatedly, as if to prove his love and offer signs of affection. But the questions are always the same: “Where are you? Who’s with you?” He presents his controlling behaviors as concerned overtures or love, but in reality, he’s grooming you to respond to his beck and call whether it’s through cyberspace, phone signals or face-to-face conversations. You might feel something’s wrong, but you feel wanted, so it’s often easier to just accept his controlling behavior.

The Abuser
This guy’s basic world view is that men are superior to women. These types often have dangerous tempers, can easily form a fist if a woman will not bend to their will and are notorious for grabbing too hard, accosting with “love taps” to remind us who’s stronger, pulling hair, throwing objects close to us, and so on. For the abuser, verbal, psychological and physical violence are simply a way of life.

The Passive-Aggressive
These men habitually send mixed messages in order to string you along. They contradict themselves in the same sentence, and characteristically have an indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility that’s hidden under the guises of innocence, generosity or, more likely passivity.  Like a perpetual teenager, these men need an adversary—someone whose demands and expectations they can resist in order to work out their aggression and feel powerful in some small way. And that someone is usually YOU.

The Self-Righteous Progressive
These seemingly liberal-minded fellows tend to travel in academic, social-justice and political circles, but they are much better at talking about high principles than actually incorporating them into their lives. These progressive types have an uncanny ability to gloss over their own behavior as they focus on the wrongdoing of others who display the same psychological and emotional warfare. This type of man is alluring because it appears that he wants to make the world a better place. Yet, he doesn’t want to afford you the same rights he fights for so vehemently on the political or social scene.

The New Age Man
The New Age Man has probably been in therapy to “work on himself,” and he’s attracted to a wide range of feel-good pseudo-religions. If he has problems with substance abuse, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, infidelity, anger management, controlling and manipulative behaviors, he manages to avoid dealing with them. Instead, he prays harder, meditates more frequently and indulges in yet another self-help book. Rather than taking a look at themselves, these men “correct” our views, invalidate our feelings and belittle us in condescending tones with their superior intellect and “spiritual knowledge.”

The Narcissist
Inevitably, the narcissist always finds a way to bring the focus back to himself. Repeatedly trying to connect with narcissists is abusive to your essential self, because they‘re not interested in you, except for what you provide for them. Narcissists are known to judge others in their households for annoying behaviors that they themselves may have exhibited just a few minutes earlier. When they feel you are not providing them with your full attention, they respond with guilt-inducing tirades, put-downs and reasons to dramatically leave the house so they don’t have to put up with your “foul” treatment.

The Predator
These types range from callow and calculating con men to full-blown sociopaths. No matter where a man falls on the spectrum - and even though he may not blatantly exhibit the extreme behavior commonly thought to be the providence of the sociopath - the core characteristics are the same: ruthless, coldhearted, deceptive, narcissistic and devoid of genuine empathy and compassion. Though the word "sociopath" conjures up images of ruthless criminal assailants, it's important to remember that an estimated one in 25 people is a sociopath, with no capacity to love or empathize.

The Addict
Addictions are generous diseases. They not only change the addict but also “infect” those close to him. The addict’s unpredictability, his withdrawal from those close to him, his verbal battering and mercurial moods all create a tense environment with which those who remain nearby must contend. In these situations, you feel alone, and you usually are. After all, the man you’ve been living with, dating or married has his primary relationship with whatever his addiction is, not with you.

Adapted excerpt from “He’s Just NO Good for You”
From GPP Life, an imprint of The Globe Pequot Press