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  • The Importance of Communication

    4 posts, 4 voices, 418 views, started Sep 8, 2008

    Posted on Monday, September 8, 2008 by Feathermaye

    •  



    • Carnelian
      Offline

      The following is a real conversation that took place in my living room last night. If you‘re married, I’m sure you’ve been on one end of this conversation at one time or another...

      **
      After a tense I'm not really speaking to you but we work together so I have no choice kind of afternoon.

      Me: So, um... You know, you were really being a jerk to me today, and I’d like to talk about that.

      Him: I know.

      Me: ... You know ‘what‘, exactly? That you were being a jerk, or that I would want to talk about it?

      Him: Both.

      Me: Well... are we going to then?

      Him: What?

      Me: ‘What’ as in ‘what did you say?’ or ‘what’ as in ‘are we going to do what?‘?

      Him: I’m not really sure.

      Me: Should I ask you again?

      Him: Please do.

      Me: (Big sigh) Are we going to talk about why you were a jerk to me today?

      Him: Isn’t that what we‘re already doing?

      Me: No!! (deep breath) I want to talk ABOUT your behavior today.

      Him: I was being a jerk.

      Me: God!! There’s  just no talking to you!!

      [door slams somewhere in the house]

      **

      [a few minutes later]

      Me: Okay. Let’s try again. I’d really like to resolve this. It’s important to me.

      Him: Me too. What would you like me to say?

      Me: I would like for you to say that you were being a jerk! And that you're sorry for being a jerk!! But I don't want you to say it because I told you to say it... I want you to say it because it's true!

      Him: But I already did!

      Me: You did NOT!!

      Him: I sure did. About ten minutes ago. I said “I was being a jerk“. You got mad and stormed out. I watched some of the game while you were gone.

      Me: But you said that because I... That’s not what I was... You were only... Oh screw it! I’m so mad at you right now that I can’t even remember what you did this morning.

      Him: So, I’m not in trouble? Does that mean I can just watch the game?

      Me: Do what you want. I’m getting online.

      Him: Sweeeeeet...



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sole2sole wrote Sep 19, 2008
        • That’s my marriage too.  Except my husband thinks I am the drama queen.  He thinks, “ok I goofed so why create such an issue around it?”  So there’s never a conversation about resolution.  Only, “Ok, sorry.  Now can we talk about something else?”
          He’ll be good for a day or 2 and then we‘re back to the same drama.
          In short, he is not sorry (just apologising to shut me up), and he doesn’t know why I was upset. That’s why he keeps repeating it. He has no idea how to handle his own stuff and is not open to discussing it.
          Sorry I can’t be helpful here.  I’d love to know what to do too.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Lifegetsbetter wrote Sep 19, 2008
        • I have been doing a lot of work on communication with my husband. Through therapy we came up with a good formula thatworks, when we remember to use it.
          IT goes like this
          “I notice that you (forgot to do something you said you would do) and I imagine that (you don’t care about me) and it makes feel (angry) and I request that (you be on time).

          That formula- I notice, I imagine, It makes me feel,  I request-
          seems to put things in perspecitve and our communication works better- when we remember to do it.



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