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  • What to do?

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    31 posts, 14 voices, 1611 views, started Mar 1, 2012

    Posted on Thursday, March 1, 2012 by Joanmarie

    •  



    • Aquamarine
      Offline

      My husbands son is 23 and still lives with us. He works less than 20 hours a week and considers it working enough to save and move on his own. Hello?????
      The part that bothers me is...he is up all night in the kitchen, and loudly playing video games. He sleeps in the morning and then plays games all afternoon and evening. He yells and swears. We have to yell at him constantly to be quiet.
      He also eats every hour! Our grocery and electric bills are soaring!
      He won’t even rinse a plate.“That’s stupid“, he claims.
      I’m going crazy...What do I do?

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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Nancy Simpson wrote Mar 1, 2012
        • Wow. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope I am not overstepping but I think you need to kick him out of the nest and soon. As long as you let him stay there, the more comfortable he will feel. My husbands brother still lives at home and he is over 30. I would hate for you to end up in that situation. If you give him notice ahead of time maybe he can pick up more hours and actually save for rent on something. But the big part is not to go back on what you say. Again I’m sorry if I overstepped.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 1, 2012
        • You are the parent.  Either make him toe the line or kick his ass out.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Joanmarie wrote Mar 1, 2012
        • I want to kick him out, but his Dad isn’t so agreeable. I’m only the step-mother. The things he does doesn’t bother my husband as much because he is at work and then goes to the shop after dinner. He also sleeps like a rock.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 1, 2012
        • Make his life so wretchedly unpleasant that he will gladly move out.  Stay on his case night and day.  Doesn’t he have a mother to go live with?

          If your grocery bills are soaring, just stop buying groceries.  Seriously.  If there’s nothing but a little dab of milk and some dried out bread in the frig, pretty soon he’s going go looking elsewhere.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Joanmarie wrote Mar 1, 2012
        • I have been thinking about turning the cable off so he can’t play his games.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 1, 2012
        • Good idea.  Don’t think about it.  DO IT!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mzd3 wrote Mar 1, 2012
        • Almost sounds like my son, though he’s just turning 20 and not working at all. He’s out all night and sleeps all day. But I’m not going to throw him out. I do feel for you though!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Brimstone1968 wrote Mar 1, 2012
        • I agree with all the ladies.  When he sleeping and you are up, you need to turn on your stero and enjoy some music.  Please when you cook, you need to cook for you and your husband, no leftovers.  My dear you have to fight fire with fire sometimes so people can get the point because they will not learn any other way.

          My son was home until he was 24 which was just last year.  However, he was going to college full time and dj on the weekends where he got his monies.  We choosed for him to be home until he finished school.  In the meantime though he had to wash the dishes, clean the bathroom he used, take the gabbage out.  He helped cleaned up the yard and mowed the lawn.  My point is he HAD to help aound the house.  He HAD to earn his keep.  It is no way in this life I was going to have him think he has the right to eat, sleep and sh....t and act like my home was a motel and a resturant.

          If we donot demand that they participate in the home NOW then what a bum they will become when they go and have a girlfriend/wife.  Women looking for real men not abusers.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mzd3 wrote Mar 1, 2012
        • When I cook, and there are 3  family members in my home, I cook for 3. My son also helps around the house, not alot but some.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cynthia Schmidt wrote Mar 2, 2012
        • Agreed all around with everyone. When you say that you‘re only the step-mother - well, you‘re the woman of the house, it’s your house too and your husband is being insensitive. I know it’s a tough place for him to be. He loves his son and he loves you, too. Plus, parents seem to have a higher tolerance for poor behavior in their offspring than everyone else does. But, that young man has got to go!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Nancy Simpson wrote Mar 5, 2012
        • It is YOUR house also. Your husband should at least listen to what you have to say; compromise or something.



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          Vikki Hall wrote Mar 5, 2012
        • I make sure my hubz is looped in on ALL that I am feeling!! He likes peace and harmony and he doesn’t get it if I’m not happy. I make sure of it!!!

          So I would start pressing your hubz a bit more about the son. Also part of parenting is teaching responsibility.



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Raisedbyavillage wrote Mar 8, 2012
        • I have first-hand experience with this as the stepmother of 2 teenagers who survived into adulthood.  I had to kick the younger out of our house for similar things.  

          Here’s what we did...
          1. Remove the bedroom door.
          2. parental locked the game console and cable.
          3. Required weekly rent payments (for awhile, we put the money into a separate account just so that he could have it when he was ready to move out)
          4. Required him to obey house rules of “no noise after 10 p.m.“, no house guests without us being there, no female guests unless the door was open, phone calls to indicate the time of arrival home
          5. Required him to do his own laundry.
          6.  When we cooked, if he was there, he could eat what we had, but he could not rummage through the cabinets...he kept a separate section of his own food in the pantry.

          It is your house, just as much as your husband’s house.  He may not be staying with his biological womb-bearer because she may not put up with his antics either... or she could be in jail... who knows.

          In any case, you need a contract with your stepson..  A signed contract stating your house rules... and if he can’t abide by them, he has 2 weeks to find his own place and you’ll be glad to help him pack.

          Hang in there!
          Janet



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          Joanmarie wrote Mar 8, 2012
        • I have been cooking for who is awake at dinner time or who is not “in game“. I think he is wondering what is going on.



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          Marya1961 wrote Mar 9, 2012
        • Our son is 24, in school full-time at the moment and living with us.  I have no problem with him staying here and I know in time after he graduates, he will find work, possibly working two jobs, but he will find it.

          In this day and age, it is very difficult for young people to get motivated about anything.  Look at what the government has done to everybody....crippled many people by taking away motivation.  In essence, today’s life is not the way it was when we were young..just ask many college kids who still can’t find work.

          Make a schedule up of what is expected of your step-son.  You may have to be the person who takes charge, if your hub cannot.  Be diligent, but also kind...many kids need a firm, but loving hand.  Try not to get discouraged, you are the parent.estatic



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Joanmarie wrote Mar 9, 2012
        • Mary, he isn;t motivated to do anything other than play games. If we ask him to do something he says ok but often doesn’t do it. If you bug him he gets downright irate.



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Chris73 wrote Mar 9, 2012
        • I agree with “raisedbyavillage” and most of the ladies here. Many years ago when I was 20 I found myself having to move back in with my parents with my 18 month old son. My parents had rules that I had to abide by or get out. The told me I had 30 days to get full time job, I also had to pay rent among other things. My mom called it tough love and said it was to help me not hurt me. I have to say they were right. I eventually got out on my own got a better job and became extremely independent almost to a fault, but hey the tough love worked...I grew up.



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Richardson wrote Mar 9, 2012
        • Assomeone else has said YOU are the woman of the house and have equal share of the bills so you DO have some say so in this matter! I would stress these issues to the hubby as much and as often as possible until he figures out some other alternatives for this lazy bum, I would also stop buying the food, if hubby isn’t home much I’d treat myself to dinner out and not buy groceries and yes I would cut the cable off. Why allow him the pleasures when he is not trying to help out as well as help himself to a better future and if all else fails kick his ass out! If hubby has a problem with it he can go too lol.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Diane24 wrote Mar 15, 2012
        • Good Monring All!

          I feel your pain as I am suffering through the same kind of issue except its my son and he is 19 (he will be 20 in two weeks). My husband (his stepdad) thinks its time to tough love him out of the house because he is only working enough to cover his car note and car insurance. He eats all day and night, plays video games, is out late, sleeps half the day, does as little around the house as possible.
          Yesterday, he came home and told me he got a job working 7:45 to 2:45 Monday thru Friday ad I was like AWESOME! My husbad was like cograts you still got six months to get out. frown I don’t think he will be ready i six months to go anywhere and I am open to him paying rent, helping around the house and having some new house restrictions and my husband isnt. He says its time for him to go. I feel stuck...am I being ridiculous or is he?



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        • +2 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 15, 2012
        • I’m sorry Dianne, but I totally agree with your hubby.  If you are allowing that behavior in your house, you‘re only enabling him.    It’s time for him to grow up and get OUT.  If he got a job that’s great.  If he can’t get his act together within six months, chances are he never will.

          Joanmarie, I hope you’ve cut the cable off by now.

          Ladies, it’s time to parent these boys, not pamper them.  Step up.



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 15, 2012
        • I’m sorry if I come off sounding harsh, but at my new job, I’ve gotten stuck working with too many unmotivated young men just like the sons you describe and it’s no picnic.  I’ve been at my job only six weeks and I’m having to teach 18 yr old boys the work skills their mamas should have!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Diane24 wrote Mar 15, 2012
        • Not taking it as harsh just your opinion. I say he wont be ready in 6 months because of the cost of living here. He will be making $10 an hour onhis new job and $8 an hour on his part time job. The cost of living here is very high for a married couple let alone single people. I am by no means saying he needs to stay forever but I dont want him to jump into a lease he cannot afford end up back here with bad credit from taking on something he wasnt financialy ready to do...average cost for a 1 bedroom apartment here is $800 to $1000 a month with his $300 car note, $200 car insurance not to mention he has medications he MUST take daily for a life long heath issue the cost of his meds are ridiculous...so please TRUST I want him gone but I want him ready when he goes.



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          Diane24 wrote Mar 15, 2012
        • I must say the time to parent comment was out of line...I have been an excellent mother/father to 3 adult children...having issue with one doesnt make you less of a parent.

          Comment was insulting.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Tuliplady wrote Mar 15, 2012
        • I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean it to be.  It was a general comment and this really wasn’t the place for it.

          I’ve just had too many personal experiences lately with parents whining about their teens when those kids are being exactly what they were raised to be.  I shouldn’t let those negative things spill over here.

          Is there any chance your son can find a roommate to split expenses with?  Or maybe find a studio or “efficiency” (as they‘re called around here) apartment?



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Diane24 wrote Mar 15, 2012
        • Apology Accepted!!! :)

          Room mate is an option...studios and efficiency apartment here are just as pricey.

          My girlfriend has a efficiency and she pays $785 a month and it’s in a less desireable area...

          Trust me I want him to grow up like his siblings and move out but I dont want him to go before he is financialy ready and end up moving back with bad credit or evicted.

          I am going to give him some guidelines though...and if he cant live within them he will have to go ready or not.

          I am just trying to give him the same otpion his siblings had...you can stay here and go to school until 24 he turned that down refuses to go to school..ok fine next is you have until age 21 to have yourself together to leave...he will be 20 at the end of this month...that means he is a the one year mark providing he can live within the rules of the house.



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          Tuliplady wrote Mar 15, 2012
        • Sounds like you have this well thought out.



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          Joanmarie wrote Mar 15, 2012
        • When we got our taxes done, we were told that if you make $3600 a month you are considered to be able to live on your own in New York State. It blew my husband away.



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          Vikki Hall wrote Mar 16, 2012
        • I agree with Tuliplady that kids these days are pampered way too much. It’s great to give a hand up and get them going but to continue to work hard and jeopardize your own financial future is crazy.

          If you don’t have it in you to make them leave make them help pay a bill or 2. They will NEVER be ready if you don’t make them responsible for some of the household bills.

          And as far as a car goes..... thats optional! To me that is not the parents concern and shouldn’t matter.  

          My 2 kids that still live with me have to help pay for some food and utilities. When they grumbled about having to pay a car note I told them to get a bike it’s free.

          The real question/concern should be how would these kids survive if you weren’t around to support them?



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Diane24 wrote Mar 22, 2012
        • Maybe a car is optional where you live not where I live and it’s his car bought and being paid for by him not me.



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