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  • Why can't they keep it in their pants?

    45 posts, 21 voices, 1808 views, started Oct 30, 2008

    Posted on Thursday, October 30, 2008

    •  



    • inactive
      Garnett
      Offline

      I’d like to know why so many men cheat.  I’m so baffled by this.  Women that are older or overweight or career women that work tons of hours, younger women, thin women, stay at home women, etc... we all face the same thing.  We bust our butts going to the gym to stay fit, we spend thousands of dollars to make our skin soft and young looking, we bend over backwards to keep the house straightened, and the list goes on forever.  

      I am still dumbfounded why several of my ex’s over the past 10 years have strayed.  It’s certainly not for the lack of sex at home lol.  I have a healthy sex drive, bring home the bacon, keep my house clean, good cook, and I think I’m pretty cute.  So for the life of me, I don’t understand what compelled them to cheat.  And let me just say that all this hogwash about that is how men are made, I think is just crap.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Shopgirl1960 wrote Oct 31, 2008
        • I know there are a lot of women who wonder the same thing.
          It is very perplexing,especially if the relationship seems to be healthy in every way.  

          I think that there are a lot of women who cheat too.
          So what makes people cheat?
          Is it an underlying need that ONE relationship can’t provide and you become a casuality?

          There are some people who wouldn’t cheat for anything in the world, and find it repulsive. Such as the man I am married to now. (Thank the heavens I found him!)
          However,my personality choices of the type of man I prefer to those of my younger days have changed. Again,thank the heavens!!!

          I’m sorry you became a casuality to someone who thinks cheating is morally right. I have been there in the past! You are NOT alone! I’m not sure if we ever truly recover from the lies and deceit of our past.... EVEN when we are
          married to a “true blue” partner.

          I do believe being aware of what we need MOST in a relationship is vital, even in the first stages of meeting someone. Starting with examing their morals. Leading questions can be helpful. If a man will lie about the small things perhaps he will lie about the big things too.



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          Darla5 wrote Oct 31, 2008
        • I think when we all find out the answer to this question we will be rich, rich, rich. God knows we can publish it and it will be on the New York Times best seller list.

          In the meantime. I learned that I cannot control what he does. I learned that my self esteem does not come from him. It is in ME. I held the keys to happiness and I had to unlock the door.

          It is hard. I was devasted in my first marriage. For me, I think it boils down to this... He either has character or he does not. I do not think character is something you can teach someone. I believe first impressions are lasting. I also think God gave us that intution that we shy away from at times. I KNEW I should not of been with my first husband. There were signs all over the place when we were dating. I made excuses... You know I was in love. blah...blah...blah...

          I am so sorry you were hurt. As my saying goes... Good Judgement comes from experience. Most of that from bad judgement.    

          Hopefully in the future there will be more wisdom in the next relationship. If you see the same signs walk away...change that to run like hell. You deserve better. IT will happen!!!!

          Today my husband and I have been together for 13 years. His ex-wife cheated on him and mine did too. My husband says he went through hell and back for me. I did not trust and I had alot of excess baggage. Thank God we are still together. IT has not been easy at times. We have a framed saying in our bathroom that we see every morning... IT states:

          We may not have it all together...But together we have it all.    

          We go through the valleys for a reason. We get stronger. Wiser, More equipped for the next challenge. I am so happy that you have your business and your own money. You do not have to depend on him for finances. That is great. You should be so proud.

          Take Care of yourself. There is only one you. Precious and Rare!!!!



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          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Oct 31, 2008
        • As I was told by a man...It’s the thrill of the hunt...Men like the hunt and catch game...it does something to them...their egos...it gives them validity that they are..lol...men...that’s what one told me a while back...



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Bobbi Bacha wrote Oct 31, 2008
        • As a Licensed Private Investigator, this is what I deal with everyday, the question pops in my mind, as to why ?

          Many of these men have beautiful wives, homes and still cheat.  Ill never understand it.  

          Its got to be the way they are wired, and how they control the wires... It must be the drive to procreate or the fact that if the secretary bends over to file a file.. there you go.. open invitation in thier minds.. I just dont know.. or will ever understand it.

          All I know is that we as women are raising thier children, and me as a mother have been trying to make sure my son, knows.. its not OK.  I think he is getting the message, and maybe as mothers, we just need to drill in this point that if they do cheat, they are ruining thier childrens lives, thier family and risking thier wive or unborn baby to disease and infection.

          There are a million medical reasons not to cheat and when the aides outbreak hit, business was slow for about a month then it picked up worse than ever.. I cant tell you how many clients were getting aides tested becasue of cheating.

          Yes Darla,  its the Million Dollar Question.

          Shopgirl your right women cheat too and numbers are rising each year, for women.

          But Ill be here in the trenches, fighting the battle and helping my clients as always.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Darla5 wrote Oct 31, 2008
        • Teeky, I like that Hit them in the head comment. haha

          Bobbi, carry a hammer with you.

          I like that ... If we banned together they could not cheat.  Maybe that is the million dollar answer!!!



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          Butterscotch wrote Oct 31, 2008
        • so much pain in life from every side...we are so conditioned to respond through our emotions and the physical part of who we are...the women who cheat with men are just as guilty as the men who make those sorry choices...broken, wounded people perpetuating a more broken and wounded world....but we must maintain hope...all men are not cheaters and neither are all women...we have the power and the choice within ourselves to make decisions that perpetuate life, health and wholeness instead of death, sickness and brokenness....there is hope



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Shopgirl1960 wrote Nov 1, 2008
        • One of my favorite stories was of a woman who SUED the woman
          who cheated with her husband!!!! My response was... YES,yes,yes!!!! There should be a consequence for breaking up a marriage!!! If there were more law suits I just bet it would make cheaters think twice. There are many things the person looses when they are cheated on, and they should be compensated. Monetarily and emotinally!!!



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          Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 1, 2008
        • Shopgirl actually you used to be able to do that once upon a time in Texas and other states.. somehow it has stopped.  Peeper may be able to explain why, but I agree, if men were sued for cheating by the husband of the wife, and if wives could sue the women cheating with husbands this could solve alot



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          Darla5 wrote Nov 1, 2008
        • Peeper ,

          Sadly that line has been bought hook, line and sinker by so many women.

          Here is a funny, My ex married one of his women, Yes I did say one there were many, I found out later. Anyway, she called me about 3 years ago. She said she wanted to tell me that she was sorry. She said she was a kid when she married him and believed what he had to say. He has cheated on her too. She was calling ME to pour her heart out.

          I told her it is ok. I should of sent her a sympathy card when she married him. Truth is, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  

          My life today is so different. I am so thankful for who is in my life today.  

          On a side note I am working on another cheer for our campaign...



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 1, 2008
        • Peeper I know that in Texas civil suits arent allowed for cheaters to be sued anylonger.  Im just wondering if there is a list of states that reversed that.  I remember many women suing the women that thier hubys cheated with but no longer.  

          Maybe women should fight to reverse this so we can file suit.. I think it would be excellent.

          Also ladies something to think about.  When your husband leaves you, he takes half or all the income, assets, retirements and gives that to the next woman in line.. So, suing would be a way to prevent that from happening.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Shari Tenner wrote Nov 2, 2008
        • Teeky,

          I take some offense at your statement “we let them. ”  I certainly did not let my husband cheat on me.  I tried everything within my power to prevent and then stop it once I was aware of the other woman.  He did stop seeing her and she remarried. Since we cannot be w/ our significant other 24 hours a day the opportunity is there should they want to stray.  I begged, pleaded, lost wt, went to the gym, read books, sought treatment, took him to Paris, bought new clothes, undies and heated up our sex life and within the year he had a new special someone. So you see it had more to do with what he was lacking then was I was or was not providing him.  I admit that maybe our relationship caused him initially to look elsewhere, but should a man stray rather than work on the problem.  Of course the grass is always greener, but I think that if there is a problem on the home front, it should be worked before the man or woman steps out.  I have to say that I have absolutely NO respect for any woman who dates, sleep with or becomes involved with a married man.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Classycalicat wrote Nov 2, 2008
        • Slatrn - It seems as those most Men are really NOT Men, but little snot-nosed boys in man bodies. Who try to blame US for their cheating. No matter how “Good” we are to them!
          They won’t take responsability for their own bad behavior. In the end alot of these “man/boys” end up old and alone, wishing they hadn’t done what they did and realizing what they’ve lost.I think that is revenge enough, besides becoming sexy, hot & successful without them!!!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Classycalicat wrote Nov 2, 2008
        • Green-eyedlady: You are in the line of work I’d Love to do. With my ex-husband I became quite the detective. Even my divorce attorney wanted to hire me!
          Well- carry-on the good work & cheaters beware—You ARE being watched!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Daphne wrote Nov 2, 2008
        • Reading the title of this thread caused me remember a line from Sex & the City.  Samantha states:  “Men cheat for the same reason dog’s lick their b*lls...because they can!”

          I’m not sure i believe this...but it’s such a S&TC question!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Doxiemom wrote Nov 13, 2008
        • Does anyone believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?



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          Daphne wrote Nov 13, 2008
        • doxie...that’s a pretty rigid view.  I like to think that people are capable of recognizing a transgression and working to improve themselves so it won’t happen twice.

          I think that there are several types of cheaters...none of them good.
          serial cheater (i cheat because i can)
          the situational cheater (feeling neglected, lonely)
          the running scared cheater (what am i missing)
          the big-fat-ego cheater (they all want me)

          Some can be “treated“, others...not-so-much.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cindy Stewart Penkoff wrote Nov 13, 2008
        • I do believe that men (and women) cheat for two reasons.  Each of them different.  Men cheat because they can.  For some reason, if it’s put in front of them and they know they will get away with it (or at leasy they believe they will) they say why not.  I know a guy who said to me flat out, “If I knew I wouldn’t get caught, absolutely I would.”  He’s been married for 20 years and they are a great couple.

          Women cheat because they miss the excitement.  You know that feeling in the beginning of a relationship, or one night stand, that rush.  It’s proof to themselves that is was real at some point in their lives.  

          Just a thought.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Cynthia Schmidt wrote Nov 13, 2008
        • I don’t want to oversimplify this but after seeing the movie “The Duchess” yesterday I’ve determined that: Just like the saying, “why did the man climb the mountain? Because it was there.” I say “why can’t they keep it in their pants? Because they have one.”



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sweetnsassy wrote Nov 13, 2008
        • I feel your pain! My 15 year marrige was good (so I thought). I was attractive and slim, cleaned house, cooked, and took care of my husband’s “needs“. We were best friends and did everything together, but still, he cheated.  He was having an on-going affair with my best friend. I had no clue!  

          Six years after the divorce I still ask that question. Why did he cheat?  He had it all! I’ve concluded it was simply because of the kind of person he is. Even though he was a deacon and sunday school teacher in our church his heart was evil, his thoughts deceiptful. I’m convinced he did it for the hunt. He was an avid deer hunter and he often talked about the rush he got while stalking his prey. It was exciting to sneak around and plan his next move, careful to cover his scent and quietly move in for the kill. He also had an ego problem and affairs feed that you know.  

          Trust those intuitions girls.  WE HAVE THEM. NEVER IGNORE THAT FEELING.  Act on it.  Be true to you.  And remember- If the grass is greener on the other side it’s because there’s probably a septic near by!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Rebecca Deos wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • I think I have a unique perspective here. And I’m sure it will stir the pot, but I’ve never been one to keep quiet  LOL

            In my life, I have worked as a courtesan/companion, and some of my clients were married, and for the most part, happily married. So why cheat? There are different reasons.

           1. Ego, ego, ego. Men need their ego stroked, and in reality, are quite fragile creatures. On a daily basis, we women get attention from men, in the form of compliments, smiles, stares, etc. And it happens so often, its routine. Men hardly ever get that attention, so when it happens, they latch onto it. Also, they see grabbing the attention of another woman as a confidence booster, that they “still have it“.  

           2. To try something new. The grass is always greener, and many men will stray to fulfill some fantasy or act that their current partner is not comfortable with or for whatever reason do not feel comfortable asking their partner to perform.

           3. Relaxation and no strings. Men have fantasies, and many times do not feel comfortable sharing a strange kink or desire for fear their partner will hold it against them or use it as ammunition at a later date in a fight. An example is many men enjoy anal play, but are fearful of sharing this with their spouse.

           4. Many men are in situations that are sexless, or unfulfilling in the bedroom, and look elsewhere to have that need filled.

          Do I think it is possible that they cheat and still love their spouse? Yes, there is a huge difference between emotional cheating and physical cheating. For most guys, its “just a physical thing“, and has no emotion attached to it.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Shari Tenner wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • Rebeccadeo,

           as a spouse whose husband is having an emotional if not physical affair the question IS NOT can my spouse love me and still cheat on me.  Well of course, because I am “none the wiser” and still maintain life as we know it.  The real question is CAN I LOVE HIM knowing that he has violated all the rules in marriage.  If my husband loved me enough and trusted me enough he could share whatever needs he has or had and would allow ME, his partner to fullfill them. No offense but I disagree with everything that you have said. It seems more like a justication for the behavior. Cheating is a violation of everything sacred in marriage for whatever reason.  Emotional or physical cheating is cheating.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Rebecca Deos wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • I’m not justifying. The question asked was “Why?“, and that is the most common reasons I have encountered in my travels. Of course, mine is just one opinion, but thats what I have learned. I didn’t say it was right or wrong, I just tried to answer the basic question of “Why do men cheat”

           But I do think that some men find themselves in emotional situations because they are oblivious. They think “Whats the big deal, I never had sex or even kissed her“, and dont realize that sharing with another woman can be just as, if not more, devastating to a woman than a strictly physical one night stand type of encounter.



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          Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • Rebeccadeos, your right on many points above as to why.. And I could probably add a few more reasons but one thing a male friend told me that I thought was beautiful was that men cheat because they are weak.  They give into the grass is greener on the other side, they think that males can cheat because they are male, but he told me that the strongest men are those that love thier wives, and stay true to thier convinctions and beliefs.  I think if a man cheats and loves his wife, he will tell her and change, if he lies, then he will do it again.

          Rebeccadeos, In your profession, you cater to the weak but your right about all the reasons.  There are many.

          But remember reasons are never justifications for ones actions.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Rebecca Deos wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • Yes, weak, and in many cases, also emotionally damaged as well as physically damaged.



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          Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • I concur Rebeccadeos your right.  

          Peeper your right to a conquest and hunt.  And selfishness too.



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          Shari Tenner wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • Well i have learned to never say never.  I was always most righteous in my ideal about infidelity.  The first time around i was really shocked as my husband had bashed many a cheater, but for him it was a cry for help.  He left me crumbs of evidence to find and wanted to be saved before he actually slept with his first BFF.  so i jumped into action and did what i could to save our marriage.  But by time #2 i am now just tired of taking the blame and would rather lay on the couch w/ a glass of good wine and a novel than have to jump thru hoops that just won’t be high enough....



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Shari Tenner wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • Green eyed lady,

          Wish i had met u before.  I have spent a fortune of $$$$ and have had such poor results.  I will be sure to contact u the next time.

          shari



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • Slatrn, I hear your pain, been there, done that too often in my life and also see it every day in my profession.

          Dont tolerate it.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Nov 19, 2008
        • Well having been there with a couple ex bf’s, I was leary about ever getting serious again.  

          I realized, after some words from a few wise people, it had nothing to do with me. It was their weak heart. Looking back, it really was. They cheated to make sure they were still hot!! lol One even told me this 3 years after I kicked him to the curb. The best was that we tried again, but this time I was stronger and I walked away.  

          The other said he never felt quite good enough for me. WTF? I was working and going to college at the time, weekend runway things for small stores. He said he saw me going on to better things and leaving him behind. I was like so you blaming me? He said that i did not have enough time for him. Sorry i was going to school and working. lol  

          Now, I do believe there are good men out there. I have one. The other guys would have hid tail and ran when I got sick. And I mean fast!! lol I have actually told my hubby to find someone else, as i want him to have a better wife. He said, there is no better than you!! It’s been 15 years married, 11 years ill, and my prognosis, at this point will only progress. For us, it was the fact we were best friends before we ever even got together, together. We went through more in our first 5 years of marriage than most couples married for 20 years. Drug addiction, MS, almost losing one of our babies, hell!! Actually hell would have been easier.

          omg, see, i tend to ramble!! lol sorry



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Jenz ~ wrote Nov 21, 2008
        • First of all, DO know that if a man makes the decision to cheat, it is NOT your fault. It is HIS fault.
          Hear me when I say to you, You did not cause that.
          It has nothing at all to do with your looks, abilities at home or work, your peronality, something you did or didn’t do, etc etc etc.
          Please do not sit there & wonder what you did wrong or what you may have done differently. A man that makes the choice to cheat is the one that’s screwed up & has low self esteem. Cheating is an extremely self centered thing to do & any guy that will do that, knowing he could lose you if or when you find out about it should hear only one thing. “You should have said NO. GOODBYE.”
          End of story.
          Don’t look back.
          Go look in the mirror right now & say to yourself, “I am MUCH to beautiful and I have way to much to offer to tolerate THAT loser.”
          And do it all the time until you have absolutely no doubt.  

          I know 1st hand what the effects of someone cheating can be like & they were certainly horrendous, especially if you‘re in a serious relationship.  

          There’s no excuse for cheating. To make a fool of the one that one claims to love is just wrong any way it’s looked at, not to mention, sex behind your back with someone else~ that’s putting you at a pretty high risk. That is not love. Or caring. Or your fault.

          I hope you get to meet someone that treats you like a gentleman should. Don’t settle for less! You don’t have to! :)

          Wait until the day a man shows up at your door with 2 dozen roses & says “Let’s go to dinner...”
          Then treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I never thought that would happen to me.
          Three weeks ago ~it did! :) There’s someone like that out there for you too.

          If you want to talk feel free to email me.
          Have a great weekend.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Rebecca Deos wrote Nov 21, 2008
        • Heres another good article

          Why Married Men Have Affairs By Phillip Weiss New Yorker Magazine

          [Link Removed]


          Rebeccadeos, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 22, 2008
        • Wow, Jenz and Rebecca, You two are so on target about this subject and yes, Stephanie, David Mathhews articles are exceptional, I encourage every woman on this site to read them.. he offers a mans point of view on the subject that is very eye opening.

          Ive been quoted often in the press as saying :

          “If your going to have an affair, get a divorce first“.  Bobbi Bacha

          I know its a odd thing to say but if you think about it, having an affair is never a good idea.

          Wonderful topic ladies as always.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Sweetnsassy wrote Nov 22, 2008
        • Such intelligent,open-minded women! I’m impressed to say the least.  Guess being 40-something isn’t so bad when it comes with this much wisom!    

          I agree with many of you. From my experience I’ve learned that men who cheat seem to have completely different morals and ideas about life than those who are faithful.  Many of these type men have no respect for women, themselves or God. They live for the moment.      

          Regardless of temptation (and it’s everywhere these days), If a man is totally committed and values his marriage he is very unlikely to cheat. I know there are exceptions but I think a man’s overall personality, upbringing, and the relationship they have with God is a good indication of his faithfullness.  Some men take those vows very seriously.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Shari Tenner wrote Nov 22, 2008
        • I guess it all comes down to what is more important your own urges and needs or those of your supposed loved ones.  for me it black and white...i have had the opportunity and just smiled and walked away/ why because I was married and committed to my husband..thru thick and thin, good and bad.  I guess it was a one way street....



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          Pamela Hutson wrote Feb 4, 2009
        • I know this topic hasn’t been visited for several months and I’m new and unfortunately haven’t had time to read the links to the other articles but having been the only girl in a family of 4 (3 brothers) and being in a male dominated industry I’ve had the unique privileged of getting things from a man’s perspective.

          Men have an inherent need to procreate and to “plant” their seed which is what largely drives men to sex.  So to speak it’s in their DNA....if you will.  HOWEVER with this being said it doesn’t give them license to have sexual relations with anyone.  What keeps a married man from straying all the time is the higher level of conscience if you will to not betray his spouse or his promise to his marriage.

          Another thought is as women we can pretty much get sex anytime, anywhere..........if you really wanted to have sex tonight you could walk into any bar and chances are 99% likely you will find someone who will be more than happy to help you scratch that itch..........Men on the other hand aren’t quiet so blessed.  Granted there are some who get asked frequently but for the majority of men - they don’t get approached and “ASKED” by women to have sex with them.....so when opportunity does present itself to them it can more than a little difficult to say no..............

          Please keep in mind I’m just offering some of the “explanations” I’ve been given over the years directly from the “horses” mouth so to speak.........these are in no way a justification for betraying someone you are suppose to care for.....wrong is wrong.....

          For me personally sex is just sex......it’s when the heart becomes involved that I feel a true betrayal has occurred.  To me the heart is 1000x’s more fragile than the ego.

          Just my 2 cents worth..............



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