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  • Why does it have to be so hard...

    10 posts, 10 voices, 985 views, started Oct 23, 2008

    Posted on Thursday, October 23, 2008 by Katgab717

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    • Amethyst
      Offline

      I have been married for 17 years and throughout them things have had many highs and lows.  Just a little background info.  We have 3 boys, ages 16, 13, and 10.  The youngest has Autism.  We started our life together living with my in-laws.  Once we had our first child I realized that this situation was not going to work for me.  But unfortunately, we were living in an addition added on to their house, so moving wasn’t really an option at that point.  After two more kids and almost 12 years of marriage, we finally decideed to move away from them.  Unfortunately, my mother in law got ill and passed very shortly after.  We wound up moving for better schools for all of our kids and we took my father in law with us.  He is a good man, don’t get me wrong, but when I married my husband, I never planned on seeing my father in law everyday for over 17 years.  It is so hard living with someone who constantly tries to take over your womanly duties (he’s a retired chef).  While it seems like a great thing to have a retired chef in the house cooking for you, sometimes you really just want to take care of your own family and it is a big pain.  He contanstly undermines my authorit with my youngest son (the one with Autism) and it is so annoying.  I work with kids who has Autism and know so much and how to deal with behaviors and such and it just disrespects what I know and my authority as a parent.  My husband and I have been fighting so much lately.  I am so frustrated and have been feeling so unloved for such a long time.  I really feel that I have grown so much as a person, but my husband really seems like such a little boy sometimes.  He is a really good man and does a great job supporting our family, but emotional support is a real challenge for him.  I am sunning on empty and not sleeping well due to the stress from our relationship.  While we don’t have money problems, things have tightened with this horrible economy and all he wants to do is trade in his car for another one knowing we really don’t have the money to do it.  He gets angry and gives me attitude for it.  He has been working very long hours since things at his job are hectic right now (for all not just him) and I feel bad complaining to him when he comes home, but really I have no other time to talk to him.  I am at a crossroads. I told him yesterday how unhappy I am (once again) and still he doesn’t even try to find out why.  I am so lost and confused in my marriage.  I need to know if anyone else is going through something like this.  Why do men make it so hard for us.  I know I am not perfect, but I really do try to do my best, it just feels like he doesn’t care one way or the other.  What do I do now?



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Juli1967 wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • You pray.  I hope things are better.



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        • +1 votes vote up vote up

          (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • I am sorry of what you are going through.  My parents once lived with me and my Dad is a great cook.  The kitchen was his domain and I felt uncomfortable to walk around that area or move things around even it’s my own house.  He cooked his Chinese all the times and yes, I love Chinese and not every single day.  Now he moved out and guess what, I miss of having him around.  Sometimes I think I dwell on the negatives and overlooked the positing as a blessing until it is taken away from me.
          I can guess how your husband feel for my husband complained a little bit about my parents when living with us. I was in your husband’s shoes. I felt torn in between. I rather not took side but I leaned onto my parents - for that bond can never change. I tried to handle it tactfully but it is very hard.
          Best is to talk to others (like over here). You know what I mean?
          You will be in my prayers.  Hang in there and believe there is light after the tunnel.  Much love.



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Linni wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • i agree.. you Pray.. we are all here for you..

          i have not been in that situation really.. i have lived with my parents with my children and WOW! i went nutz!  

          you need to talk to your husband. he needs to make time for you..

          venting here is a good place too....

          i will keep you in my prayers



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Mztracy wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • Not being in your shoes or having this in my life I cannot really give advice.

          What I will say is this...if this is how it has to be for the time, learn to find a happy medium for you. You cannot control what your fil does or your hubby does.  

          If he likes to cook, then let him. This gives you more time for you. We all need that. As for your son, yes that would bother me also that he tries to take over with your son. Remember, things were different in his day and age and he is doing what he knows, and it is most likely from the heart.  

          Children with autism need all kinds of stimulation and extra love is good as well. If his ‘butting’ in is not detrimental to your son, then try and go with it. Again, I am not in your shoes, but I do know what living with hardships and trials are.  

          big huggzz



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • my mum has lived with me for the most part since I started having kids..It’s cool with her though because she doesn’t interfere with me/raising our children...Her input is valued, but she knows my/our capabilitles...

          Have you tried to write all that you are feeling, in a letter?..I find that sometimes men would prefer to read and then dialog than to have someone breathing down their neck for conversation (that’s how they sometimes feel). Men tend to get defensive if they feel cornered into a conversation they‘re not quite ready to take on, so I oftentimes will write my husband a letter, telling him exactly how I feel. He has told me that a letter takes the threat of an impending argument/confrontation out of the way and allows for a smoother dialog...

          That’s about the best advice I have on how to get thru to him...It works for me everytime..Hope it helps...

          Feel free to read my blog ‘Notes from the heart‘..It might help..And of course, as the ladies said..You Pray for a way to be able to effectively communicate to your husband...God will give you the answers...

          Best wishes!!!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Daphne wrote Jan 19, 2009
        • I’m a firm believer of the direct approach.  If it was me, i would IMMEDIATELY address the parenting situation with my FIL.  I would talk to him alone first and if he doesn’t straighten up and fly right, i’d include my husband.  This is a non-negotiable...YOU are the parent, YOU decide what is best for your children and your family.

          As far as husband and his “head in the sand” attitude...i’d recommend that you continue to let him know what you need.  Sometimes you just have to TELL them what you need...in no uncertain terms.  If you simply cannot reach him, seek help either with him or alone.

          Good luck!



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        • 0 votes vote up vote up

          Victorious wrote May 14, 2010
        • Prayer does work...I have experience some of your issues. Parental issues(my mother) and my husband not connecting with me emotionally. I think the emotional part of it is the hardest as it helps get you through all the others. God allowed me to find ways to get my message across without hurting feelings and as such I have been getting so much from my husband. What I realize is that men are so different from us. Most times after satisfying his sexual needs it help him to focus on my needs. Sounds strange, but it is so true. a pastor told me this once and I did not try it until years after. Men when they have sex on there minds, they cannot hear, see or focus on anything that is going to stress them at home We all as Fab ladies need to use our God given feminine gifts. It is so hard, I know as sometimes I forget and suffer until I remember that I do have the formula to assist my husband to do what he was created to do. You are in my prayers.heartheartheart



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