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Q & A

EXPECTATIONS: we all have them - Men Sure Have them To...So Have you ever discussing them with the “significant other” at the RIGHT time in the relationship?  

What is their definition/ideal/expectation  of “loyalty“, on finances,  interactions w/the opposite sex?, previous/current friendships, interaction w/family, ex’s, boss’s, waiters,strangers, housekeeping?

HOW do you even determine some of those things or Ask?  I’m creative -but overwhelmed and determined to get it right this time.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cc-u wrote Aug 30, 2011
    • Some things are easier to discuss than others.  For example, relationships with the opposite sex is way easier to discuss than finances.  For me, anyway.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Aug 30, 2011
    • I have to ditto Annie. For me it was a learning process along the way. estatic




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Saylor101 wrote Aug 30, 2011
    • I didn’t think about it either - married 1st time at 20 and we hadn’t discussed what was acceptable w/other people - ie: women - and there was a def It’s Okay for Me But Not for You...Yeah Right!

      My 2nd marriage lasted 13 years, but we grew apart due to lack of communication.  We 27 & 30 and though independant meshed it all together okay. . . agreed on enough to be comfortable.

      No - at 47 and w/kiddos at home - there is SO much to evaluate & consider...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Aug 31, 2011
    • IMO, i think it’s unrealistic to think that you‘re going to get accurate information about a person by discussing it specifically.  Do you think your first husband would have ADMITTED that his attitude was “it’s okay for me, but not for you“?  Probably not...but i’ll bet if you really think about it, you’ll be able to admit that there were behaviors and/or comments made prior to your marriage that indicated that this was his thinking.

      In my experience, trying to pin a man down to have a converstaion about stuff like that is like trying to nail jello to a wall.  If you‘re paying attention, you‘re learning this stuff along the way...through more casual, less personal, less direct conversations (i.e. discussing friends’ experiences/situations, etc).

      If you do decide to attack these topics specifically and head on, my best advice is to take ONE AT A TIME.  My husband would probably have run screaming from the room if i’d tried to get that much emotional response from him in one sitting!  :)




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Aug 31, 2011
    • Oh...and i’m a proponent of “trusting your gut“.  You‘re not an impressionable 20-year old with stars in her eyes anymore.  You have plenty of life experiences to guide your decisions.  As long as you‘re not jaded, i’ll bet your gut is worth listening to.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Saylor101 wrote Aug 31, 2011
    • Daphne - I’m not TOO jaded (just abit around the edges)!

      No the direct approach would never work for a lot of this.. and yes, in watching you can learn a lot...  

      In my experience there just seems to be so much that people “hide” if you will, assume, or take for granted.  I’ve often wondered if you can ever TRULY KNOW someone...

      there’s a lot to be said for marrying young and staying together... cause the older ya get - wow, the underlying baggage & quirks are amazing.

      EX: A man knows you for YEARS, but once you start dating it is no longer okay to be “who you are” ie: chatty, social, friendly with men - friends or otherwise because those actions are now a betrayal or disrespect to him.

      Obviously i’m gonna have to find a way to break this down into smaller pieces... I just don’t want to get in too deep emotionally only to find that my pollyanna outlook & rose colored glasses have misled me again! happy




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Aug 31, 2011
    • LOL, definitely don’t bother trying to nail jello to the wall. (Good one, Daphne!)  

      My suggestion is let time tell. You have kids, watch how he interacts with them. Watch him in social and family gathering situations. Listen to what he tells you about his job. Visit where he lives... is it a pig stye or so clean it makes you nervous you might drop a few crumbs? Does he talk too much about his X/’s and the women he encounters, or his dear ol’ mom? Does he listen with attention when you talk or does he always interrupt you? My big suggestion is pay attention to his family’s dynamics! When men feel in over their heads and stressed, they often revert to their family’s dynamics. So .... how does he handle stress? Will he yell and call you names and blame things on you that you had nothing to do with?  

      With having kids, I’d forget about “we‘re madly in love” and focus on taking time to find out what all you both want in life and how you each value it.  

      Cathie




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Saylor101 wrote Aug 31, 2011
    • Thank you Cathie - and yes, “madly in love” whether truly being, getting to play it, or feel it - is a temporary, eluding thing or so it seems when establishing a NEW relationship and you have kids!

      It all takes time - and watching/evaluating is def the best way... It’s the none surface/obvious things that concern me...

      I want to KNOW that I can trust him with my feelings, my dreams, desires, and to always have my best intrest in heart and mind....

          Story book stuff  huh?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Aug 31, 2011
    • Annie is right, people do change over the years. My X wasn’t always who he is now.  

      Cathie




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Aug 31, 2011
    • IMO, relationships take time to develop and people take time to bond...some expectations are not realistic especially if you observe how a person is from the beginning.  Hub and I are together for 27 years and he has not changed much from the beginning, but in some ways gotten better with time.

      To me it can be luck of the draw.estatic




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Sep 1, 2011
    • In agreeance with all of Annie’s replies.




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