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anonymous Anonymous

Q & A

I found out the my husband had a girlfriend that he would not give up.  He ended up leaving me and the the kids for a few weeks and moved in with her and one of her 2 kids.  After a few weeks, he has moved back home.  The apartment is gone and supposedly the girlfriend is out of the picture, but I dont know for sure.  We are going to therapy to try to better ourselves individually and jointly.  He continually says 1 thing and does another.  he has cheated on my many times over the past 14 years because of an ‘addiction‘.  I am not so sure we can get thru this.  He is the one who is saying that he is not so sure that he can committ to this.  I have been crushed and so have my children.  I dont know what to do next, where to turn next, how to stand on my own 2 feet, keep my kids strong, staying married, getting divorced, the money involved in all of this.  I live in heartache, pain and fear everyday.  This has ruined my life and part of my kids life.  I am not sure how this can be healed.  I dont even know why I want to stay with someone who has done this to me.  He is my husband and is the father of my children.  I dont know if he ever tells the truth anymore.  Everyone seems to know different stories about things.  How do I take care of me and my kids and make us ok regardless of whether we stay together or not?????  He is very very selfish and not too good at taking responsibility for his actions.  I know we need help; hence why we are in therapy.  Has anyone been in this situation.  Can you offer me any kind of olive branch??????



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Diane17 wrote Jan 12, 2012
    • I have not been in this situation before but my mom was.  My dad cheated on her, abused her, got someone else pregnant while married to her and eventually they got divorced.  I don't know why my mom put up with all this.  Well, she was sick, she had Multiple Sclerosis and therefore could not work.  When they divorced, I was only 2 and it was pretty rough for me, my 2 brothers, and my mom.  We were poor but I'm glad  they divorced because my dad had a lousy temper and all he ever did when he came over to visit was fight with my mom.  Cheaters don't change.  My dad remarried to someone else and he cheated on her, abused her, etc.  Same behaviors all over again.

      My brother, similiar situation except his wife was cheating.  They went to counseling and it did NOT deter her behavior...she continued cheating.  They divorced.

      I’m really sorry for you and your situation.  Divorce is not easy, it is not cheap, but personally, I don’t think anyone should have to put up with that type of disrespect and behavior from their spouse.  Just my 2 cents.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Jan 12, 2012
    • Thank you!!!!  Do you have any relationship with your father?? How is your mother??  I am so afraid of so many things.   You are glad that they got divorced??  As a child, were you able to tell that something wasnt rite with your parent’s relationship?????




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Jan 12, 2012
    • He has to want to change and take the necessary measures to do so and if he will is solely up to him, but as for you and your kids you have to do whats best and for right now what’s best id to try and move forward without him, if he is serious about you and the kids being a part of his life then he will need to go get help for himself and be honest with himself as well as you the kids all parties involved and stick with the therapy sessions for the added support.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Diane17 wrote Jan 12, 2012
    • Hi Anon,  Both of my parents are deceased.  He wasn’t that great of a father either but our relationship did get better as I got older.  I feel that I was fortunate in that I really didn’t live a long time with him and therfore was not subject to the abuse that my other siblings had to deal with.

      To this day, I can remember the fighting and the screaming that went on when my dad came to visit my mom.  I was probably 7 or 8.  It was terrible.  I actually wished he just would NOT come to visit because when he wasn’t around, things were quiet and peaceful.  But I think he did because he brought over the child support which was NOTHING for 3 kids.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Brimstone1968 wrote Jan 12, 2012
    • I have not been in this situation but have had a close friend who was. As hard as it may seem I encourage you to focus on yourself.  When you focus on yourself in getting rest, exercise, sleep, well balanced meals you will have the energy and power to fight.  You are fighting for your life and the life of your kids.  I can only imagine how scary it seems as you live it daily and see your world around you turn upside down.  I encourage  you to do it for you and your kids because in the end your kids will resent you if you donot appear to be fighting for them.  Most of all fight to keep your sanity.  

      If he wants it really bad he will change, if he is just going through the motions then it will not work.  Like a drug addict, if they go to the best facility and they did not want the change bad enough they will not change.

      It is a tough situation to be in but I will keep you in my prayers, pray for your strength, and fears.  Continue to go for the help that you are getting, even if things donot work out continue just for you.  You are strong and you will survive.  Love.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nathalie Girard wrote Jan 13, 2012
    • I’m sorry to hear about your situation.It is hard to think straight when a situation involves loved ones, therefore you have made a judicious decision to seek help from others. The ladies above have given you wise advise.  

      I would add to those only to take things one thing at a time, and if even one thing at a time seems too much, then take things one minute at a time. When things get rough, it’s easier to take baby steps than to try and do a giant leap.  

      Sending you strength and courage...




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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Jan 14, 2012
    • Great advice from all these fabulous women!!

      The bottom line is you are responsible for your children and their well being.  It’s your job to protect them.  And YOU have to take care of yourself in order to take care of them.  It’s going to be a tough and hard...but my suggestion is to go forward in improving your own lives.  Right now...your husband needs to work on him alone.  He’s not even capable of working on your marriage.  With that said...you have to move forward and make your LIFE and your children’s lives better.  

      The ball is in his court.  You are on this earth a very short time.  Think about how fast 2011 came and went.  The average life span is 75 years.  So think about it...you are not here for a long time.  So...why waste YOUR YEARS...trying to fix someone who doesn’t want to change?  You can’t change him...a therapist can’t change him...your kids can’t change him...only HE CAN CHANGE HIMSELF. I will add GOD can change him but he has to want that too.  

      You do whatever you have to do to help yourself financially...get assistance if you can...do whatever. Get involved with a good church....and make sure your children have a voice and you listen to them.  Explain to them that things will be tough but you all are going to get through this.  You can overcome this.  Surround yourself with smart positive people.  

      Best of luck in a better life!!  Just remember...YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Jan 21, 2012
    • Excellent input from all the ladies!!  I always wonder why some men are just so plain cruel and selfish.  As Mary mentioned, start by taking care of you and your kids, you all are what matters, nothing else!

      If you are able to or you know of someone who can help you get a lawyer, do it!  From my experience with lawyers, finding the one that is sensitive to your needs is important.
      If you honestly feel in your heart that you cannot be with this man, that is the first step.

      Get your priorities in order...checking/savings accounts, financial papers, etc....again, this is only if you feel there is nothing left of your marriage.  If you feel the therapy will help, then it is worth a try, but IMO, I would have a back-up plan.  You and your kids deserve happiness!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Jan 21, 2012
    • And make sure you take out a life insurance policy on him that you are responsible for making sure the premiums are paid...and make him pay you for them.




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