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Ok here’s one for you. If your son is so disrespectful to you, do you just pat him on the head and say thats ok?
My son is 19 years old, and came to visit me for Christmas. My husband was also here, but we have been separated, and are working on getting back together. My son is not happy so he throws a fit. He has made the last week a living hell for me.
I took him to the air port and I am not sorry to see him go. So tell me what would you do?

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • What were his “fits” met with?  Were there consequences?  Does your husband support you when it comes to your son?  Is this man your son’s father?  

      If not, where is your son’s father in all this?  Is your son disrespectful to him?  Do you have the kind of relationship with your son’s father that would permit you to ask for his help?

      Does your son drive your car?  Does he eat your food?  Does he sleep in your home?  

      Older children sometimes forget that they their living arrangements are compliments of their parents and come with conditions...not the least of all is respect and consideration.  Parents’ love comes unconditional, but not the privelege of a place to live and eat, a car to drive, a college education, etc.  

      He would be in search of a new home if he continued to throw his attitude around.  He’s 19 years old and knows better...must be the payoff for his behavior outweighs the consequences.

      I’m sorry if i sound harsh, but there is no way i would supply the comforts of home to an ADULT who showed me no respect or consideration.  

      You teach people how to treat you.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Wow, that’s really sad to hear. Is your husband your sons’ dad? I can’t understand why he is so angry.
      I have 3 sons, my youngest is 20. I can’t imagine one of my boys losing it like that with me. He would have been on that plane alot sooner then he was. There has to be more to the story.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • That must have been really hard for you to go through. Sometimes when they are going through some emotional problems of their own and don’t know any other way to express them they can come off as really selfish.
      Don’t feel it’s anything that you can fix or even control. He has to go through whatever it is on his own.
      But I would let him know how disrespectful he is and that it won’t be tolerated in my home.
      Hopefully he will get over whatever it is soon.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ms-kay wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • For me personally - No matter what age kids are - being disrespectful/bratty would NOT be tolerated .  

      I would’ve sat him down, had a serious adult talk with him that would make him think twice of how to act.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • He moved 7 years ago to live with his dad. This is his step dad. He sent me a bunch of text messages about how he told me I should come to the air port alone or he will turn around and get back on the plane. I told him it was too late. When he came through the security he just walked by me and gave me a dirty look. We (both sons & me of course) were in the baggage and I told him I am your mother and you will not treat me this way. He just looked at me like what ever. And he has been a total wanker since. I love him, but he is my child and I will not take ultamations from him or anyone else for that matter. My dad gave him 100 for Christmas and he didn’t even say thank you. My dad is so disappointed in him. And said he needs to grow up before he sees him again.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • It seems that he is jealous of your relationship with your husband.
      Do you have a good relationship with his dad? If not, that may be the problem.
      And you‘re right, he has no reason to issue you an ultimatum and expect you to follow through, he’s still a child regardless of his age.
      I always tell my sons that I don’t care how old they are or how big they get, I will stand on a chair and chin check them!
      You should try and talk to your son and tell him how you feel. That he will no longer be welcome to visit if he has that attitude. And shame on him for not even thanking his grandfather for his Christmas money, he will need Granddad long before Granddad will need him.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • I no longer engage in shouting matches with my children. I will walk away or hang up. If they want to “talk“, I’m available. Do not reward negative behavior with your energy and attention. We struggled with our youngest, who is now 22, and it’s getting much better.  

      Here’s what we learned:

      1. Do not engage in angry exchanges. Keep your voice (and your self) calm and steady.

      2. Stand firm on your boundaries.

      3. Listen and affirm as much as possible.

      4. Catch them doing something right.

      5. Tell them you love them often.

      I’m sure there is much more, but these are the things that come to mind quickly. When you change the rules on someone they are bound to be upset for a while. If you are firm and consistent they will get used to it. Hang in there! It will get better!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • His dad lives in AZ and no I could not ask him for help. You know how for emails you put a name. Well his name for me was “c-nt” His acts just like his dad.
      I did try to talk to him but he wouldn’t talk to me, or he would say “I don’t know what your talking about“. I took him out a couple of days just the 2 of us, and he would only talk to me if I asked him a question.
      He feels he is entitled to everything. If you give him something there is no thank you its more like it took you long enough to give it to me. He is so like his dad I want to punch them both.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • He seems to be very angry.  Do you know of what is he angry about?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • OH, AMEN DAPHNE!!!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • It would be very hard for me to tell you what to do when I am not in your situation.  It’s always different looking from the outside in.  Im sure you know what to do and what is right for you. You give your children life and not to live yours for you.  If you are happy reconciling with your new husband, then be happy.  Heres to 2009!!

      xoxo




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • I agree...he’s good and mad about something but that still does not excuse his behavior.  He is 19 years old...well beyond the age when he understands that his actions have consequences.

      Perhaps talking to him openly and honestly is a good idea.  I’m skeptical, though...he’s miles and miles away with little to no accountability to you.

      If you can, perhaps talking to his father and asking for his support would be the best approach.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • He didn’t get his way is all I can think of. I can’t think of any other reason why he would be angry.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • He sounds like he is way out of control. I also agree with Daphne especially after hearing the rest of how he was treating you.
      And I wonder who paid for his plane trip?
      After the way he treated you he would have been better off turning back around and getting on that plane.
      I’m sorry, this just pisses me off.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Wow, Michelle...i can’t tell you how sorry i am to read about how your son’s father treats you.  Knowing that, there really is no mystery why your son behaves the way he does.  It’s reinforced at his own home.

      Coachmombabe is on the money.  Contact would be based on his treatment of you.  If he’s not being respectful, the conversation is O-V-E-R...whether it’s on the phone, in a text or face-to-face.

      Again...you teach people how to treat you.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • His dad will be no help to me at all. In fact he would be pleases as punch that he feel this way about me. In my ex’s eyes he has won if my son hates me




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • It seems to me that his father is feeding him a bunch of crap. Your son is young and his dad is his hero, in his mind your new hubby is the enemy.
      As some of the ladies have already said, you‘re going to have to state your case, stand firm and that’s that. We love our children, but we also deserve to be treated with respect.
      You sound like a wonderful, caring parent. If you didn’t care, you would not have posed this question to us. You‘re going to have to show your son some tough love and he can either like it or lump it.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • he is in the army now, So I at least thought it would be better. But it has only gotten worse.
      He sees his dad treating me like that so why shouldn’t he right




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • I can’t tell you how sad your last statement makes me feel, Michele.  I’m so sorry.

      Here’s another platitude for ya...

      Make yourself happy or make yourself miserable...the amount of work is the same.

      Focus on your happiness, Michele and let the chips fall where they may in regards to your son.  Once he understands that you will not tolerate his behavior, he will come to you if/when he is willing to be decent to you.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • This is definitely a case to call for therapist and may take many sessions.  Do you have expert here in this area on this site? I wonder.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • I have been so unhappy this last week, and yes my husband has been very supportive. He wanted to get onto my son for the way he has treated me, but I told him no, it would just open up a new can of worms.
      I don’t know about going to a therapist. I took him to the air port this morning and now is my chance to vent, and let me say a huge THANK YOU for all of your support. It brings a few tears to my eyes.
      I have been so upset and angry that I couldn’t cry, and I was not going to let him see that he has made me cry.
      Self preservation I guess




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Michele it is really sad that your ex treats you this way and has poisoned your sons mind.
      Unfortunately you may just have to let your son go for a while.
      Like someone else said you need to focus on your own happiness right now.
      You mentioned that you and your current husband had been separated and are trying to work out a situation. You have your plate full just with that alone.
      One day your son will see his father for the true person that he is, how bad he treated you and come to his senses. Hopefully it won’t be too late.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • But he’s not right, Michele, just a young man caught in the middle. In the middle of something he does not understand.
      In essence he has been brain washed by your husband to believe you are something you‘re not. Your Ex is angry because you had the nerve to re-marry and move on with your life. Since he can’t be around to make you miserable, he’s using your son as a tool. But he’s really the tool! ohhhh




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Michele, it may take some time for him to come around. Try not to take it personally. He is majorly confused right now. His father may have poisoned him temporarily, but he will mature past it eventually. It’s not fair, but then, neither is life. If you want a healthy relationship with him someday, you will have to pace this out. No one has won, it’s not really a competition. And it isn’t over.

      I’m going to use Darla’s favorite phrase “Let go, and let God“. Even if you do not look to God for comfort, there’s much freedom in letting go. Please keep us posted! We are here for you!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • His dad married before I did, But his dad is also a control freak. His wife hates me for no other reason than because I am the ex wife. She is young is all I can say.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • You should be focusing on the best you that you can be, and not worry about what others are thinking and feeling about you. When you are living up to your highest self and others are critical and mean, it is from their own brokenness, it’s not about you.

      Be the fabulous woman you are created to be! Let them be miserable.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • We are here for you, Michele.
      There is not one of us here who are mothers that have not faced some issue with our kids. I know I have and I’m sure I will continue too. But he will grow up one day, I promise you.

      And because he has also told the new wife the worst possible things about you. She and your son have some growing up to do.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ms-kay wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • No doubt his father played a negative part in the way your son behaves and it’s a shame. But it’s not your son’s fault.  

      Whenever you talk to your son don’t bring up any past issues. If he still sounds bitter and talking negative...calmly tell him that you love him and that you will be there for him but you will not tolerate his behavior and hang up.  

      Give him a dose of his own medicine. In order for things to change sometimes we got to take the first step.  

      It’ll get better from there.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • As a mother I feel you. We want our children’s love more than anything in the world. I know you must be really hurting.

      This will pass.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • I know it will pass but I want it to now. LOL I know wishful thinking.




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      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Yep. the thing is he joined the Army because he couldn’t stand to be around his dad and step mom any more.
      The only thing I can see that the Army has done for him is make him more arragent.
      I want him to be happy, but should I give up my happiness to make him happy?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • And once it passes, you will appreciate each other more.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Trudy S wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • My son is 4.  Even at this age, we let him know when he is disrespectful and that there are consequences when he does it.

      “I don’t like it when you speak to me that way.  It is rude.  You do not speak to people that way.  Especially your mother/father.”

      Then he has a time out - or whatever is appropriate at that point.  

      My intention is to keep this up for ever.  Ask me in 15 years though!!!estatic

      Trudy
      Nutritional Cleansing Coach and Consultant
      [Link Removed]
      Isagenix ® REAL PEOPLE.  REAL RESU


      Isagenixbeliever, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Yeah, I know. ;o) Easier said than done, right?




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      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Thank you, I guess I needed to hear that




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • “I want him to be happy, but should I give up my happiness to make him happy? ”

      When you are happy, he will.  You can’t make him happy - focus on your own happiness - that’s the key.  Here you have to be selfish.  It is nothing wrong with Self Love.  Nurture the inner child within.  She needs love too!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ms-kay wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Sounds like your son joined the Army for the wrong reasons and he may have regrets about his choices.  

      This issue is bigger than your emotions can carry. I pray that you find peace because you don’t need to have negative energy around you in the first days of the new year.

      Stay strong!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Honey after reading all the responses it sounds like you have one hell of an angry ex husband and very angry son and I get the impression your son is only angry as he is expected to be like this by you ex.....

      I have never come across anything like this all I can say is you’ll always have support here and a ready ear when you vent your anger...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Ms Kay how right you are. out with the bad in with the good...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ms-kay wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Yes, Michele!!estatic




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michele66 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Once again Thank all of you for your support. I am off to work now. Have a great day,
      And you guys did life a huge weight off of my shoulders.
      All the best to you all

      Lots of sisterly Love,
      -Michele




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Trudy S wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • Amen Teeky!




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