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Q & A

If you have a 20 to 34 year old "emerging adult,"I'd like to hear from you for a new book about how you're navigating this third decade with them.  Whether yours are already launched or still (or back) at home, chances are you're still closely connected to them, even though your relationship has changed. That's the subject of this survey, and here's what I hope you'll share with me. Or even just think about. Please send me your responses at janeadamsphd@gmail.com (subject line: Third Decade) and be as brief or as lengthy as you like. I'll keep your replies confidential and anonymous. And if you'd like to be interviewed personally by phone, tell me that, too. And of course, you can always post your thoughts or responses here! Here's what I'd like to know about you and your adult children:  How old are they? How  close are you to them? How has the relationship changed since they were 20? Is it emotionally closer, more distant, or the same? How often do you connect, how (text, phone, e-mail, in person)? Who usually initiates the contact?  What do you talk about? What kinds of questions do you ask or get asked? How confiding or private are they? How aware of you are their issues, moods, worries, relationships, challenges?  What kind of support do they need or do you give them? Has this stage of their lives changed your plans for your own, and how? Are you generally satisfied with where they are in their lives now?  Are they? What's your biggest concern about them? Thank you for your help!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Sep 19, 2012
    • Wow! Lots of questions!!!!

      I have 3...  

      Living with me is my 25 year old daughter (lived on her own for a few years but now back with me for 4 yrs) and my 23 year old step son who has never lived outside of our house since about 12.

      And I have a 23 year old daughter living on her own 750 miles away from me. She lives in my home state and opted to to follow me since she is Miss Independent. We talk or text multiple times daily. Our relationship is more relaxed since she has hit her 20’s. While we were always close we butted heads. That has changed since she is more interested in listening vs being heard. I’m sure there are things I don’t know because of the distance ( I was the last one to meet her boyfriend that she seems serious about). But I do know that we are never uncomfortable or awkward around each other. We see each other about 3-4 times a year. It depends on our work or her school schedules.

      The 2 that live with me.... Well it’s hard to not be aware of things because they are here and they are very open. The oldest has no problem telling us she had a bad day and can we just hug her.  My step son is typical boy and you can see when he has a problem. With a small amount of nudging he spills. My problem with them is that they are in their 20’s living at home and seem to think they have no responsibilities. I didn’t raise selfish children because they are very generous. But they have turned into very self centered children. I have to remind them to be considerate of those they live with, clean up after themselves, help keep the house they live in for free clean, etc.
      All 3 enjoy spending time doing family things together but also enjoy their time with friends.

      Hmmmmmm did I miss anything? Anything else you want to know?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Sep 19, 2012
    • I have 3 that are between 20 and 30 as well. And two more to boot, but that’s another story!

      We’ve got a daughter who is 29.  We text some, and once in awhile call on the weekend, but she’s very busy with her own life.  She lives in another state, about a six hour drive away so we don’t see her often.  She lived nearby when she was in her early 20s and we saw a lot more of her then, but I’d say we‘re still very emotionally close, even if the distance is far.  When we‘re together or on the phone, we talk aobut anything and everything.  A year ago when she broke up with her man, we talked on the phone for what seems like hours (it wasn’t) as she tried to decide what to do.  Financially, she’s been self supporting since she was a teenager.

      Daughter who is 25 lives basically next door and we commute to work together, so I see her every day and the days we don’t ride together, we text or show up at each other’s house.   This one tells me EVERYTHING.  Often more than I want to know.  She too has been financially independent since she was a teenager.  

      Daughter who is 20 lives with her dad, 30 miles away.  This one tells me nothing and is still in that “I hate mom” stage with occassional moments of niceness.  She’s wild with a capital W.  She rarely tells me anything and over the last year she has cost me a lot of money and sleep.  She does have a job again- third one in a year.  The other night out of the blue, she showed up in my kitchen.  Never did figure out what that was about, just glad to see her.

      Don’t know if I answered all the questions or not.  I’ve got 3 girls and they‘re all about as different as can be.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Sep 20, 2012
    • I have a 25 year old son who has not lived on his own yet.  He did have the opportunity to live with his grandparents when he was 18 for about eight months in a different state for job reasons, but did come back home to pursue something else.

      My husband and I are very close to our son, since he is the only one, and we have a strong bond.  He was always a quiet young man, but since he became a certified fitness trainer, he has certainly opened up.  We talk about everything, and he is quite a personable, friendly young man.  In our home, respect and being a responsible, caring human being is what matters.  Of course, there are bad days, but we use laughter and jokes to get through.

      Son has plans for his future and he discusses them with us, the only thing that does make him a bit troubled, is why some young women today are so wrapped up in themselves and are just not happy being with a really nice guy who would be a great catch...does anyone have an answer to that?

      We are a family of three and just do the best we can!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Sep 21, 2012
    • Based on what I see in my own daughters is that they are not all about them but about getting their business done. My youngest has a great guy in her life but she wants to focus on school vs making it more serious. My oldest works and goes to school full time and also does not have tons of time to devote to a relationship.
      And my SS Garrett’s girlfriend also works and goes to school. They attempt to spend as much time together as possible but something has to give somewhere. Friends? School? Work? Relationships? I’m ok if they go slow......




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Sep 21, 2012
    • I guess I am old school and our son was raised that way, so in his mind, he hopes to meet a woman who has the same values as he does, doesn’t mind if he is the primary breadwinner (she, of course, can have a career if she chooses), is nostalgic, work hard at marriage and build a lasting life together.  

      Do I sound like June Cleaver?  Maybe I am, but it isn’t a bad thing.heart




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Teresa Price wrote Sep 22, 2012
    • WOW! That is a lot of questions I have five children from the ages of 19 to 23. Three of them are mine and two of them are my husbands but they lived with us. My 19 year old soon to be 20 is a handful she is very rebellious about everything. I think soon as she turned of age she tried to break every rule we ever had. My husband and I are Christian and we believe in raising your children the way they should go so that is what we did. I think she gets the rebelliousness from me. She lives here and there but she comes home all the time. She is my baby and I love her so much. I have always tried to encourage my girls to get financially set before getting involved I did not want them to fall into my shoes a mother of three with no father around and no education to fall back on. My girls all three of them are about the guys. I think that is what upsets me the most because I want them to be someone do something with there lives. My 19 year old does not work but we are close she tells me almost everything sometimes I have to drag it out of her because I can tell when she is lying my 21 year old step son is in the airforce married and in afghanastan  he is really trying to focus on his career but he is having marital problems. We had a lot of problems when he was younger but he came to me when he got older and appologized for being so mean and disrespectful to me. my other 21 year old son is special needs severe does not talk needs help with everything pampers he had meninjitus when he was 3 months old which caused blindness, autistic, seizures, and he is about a six month old in his mind. my 2 year old step daughter is a full time dispatcher and doing really good trying to work on her career. She is also about the guys to but she does not settle she will kick them to the street if they dont do right. My 23 year old daughter we are close she went to college for 2 years but the money fell out and she was unable to finish she wants to be a teacher. She works for me as a nurse taking care of her brother. MY girls call me all the time to talk or get advice. my step son I dont hear from him at all but he calls his father. My step daughter I dont hear from her either but she stops by and visits every couple of months we are not close but they do care about me. The reason why is a very long story.lol
      So I guess to answer you questions they are 19, 21,21.22, 23. the 21, 22 are step children and we are not close and they dont talk to me much at all, my 19, 23 year old will call me for anything and everything we are close. My biggest worry is that my two girls will not get serious about there life and career. My 23 year old is engaged but I try to make her see you can not count on any one But God. You never know what might happen. I just want them to become someone do something with there life. I support them all in any way I can weather financial, advice, comfort or just listening. You think when your children become adults that your job is done I believe it will never end . The worry for them and there future will always be there. If I missed anything or you would like to know something else just let me know.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Sep 23, 2012
    • God bless you Teresa, you have your hands full.  You sound like a wonderful, caring person.happy




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