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Q & A

question ladies-my mom is a wonderful woman, but sometimes doesn’t realize how hurtful she is at times. really. Am I being overly sensitive on this?

yesterday I called her at 6 p.m. to see how they were. She knew we had the last open house. Now she, my sister and my bil all have my cell number. No one called me. My sister went to see our niece and was driving home from Santa Barbara-which is about a 2-2-1/2 hour drive.

in other words-all of them knew they were going out for dinner around 3 in the afternoon. BUT, no one called me and asked if I’d like to join them. Yet, here I call at 6 and my mom then says, “So you want to join us for dinner?”

I responded with-“I would’ve mom, but I’ve eaten.” she then said, “well, you could leave your perch and join us for coffee.”

I said, “I would’ve done that too, but my hand was killing me-so I ate at 5 and I’ve crawled into my pjs.”

My feeling on this-if they wanted me to join them, really, they would’ve called me when they all made their plans-after all, I called my parents! If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have even gotten this half-assed (pardon my French) invitation!

My mom got kind of pissy with me for not getting re-dressed and just sitting there.

I just said, “have a great dinner and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

They’ve all done this before-and then wonder why I don’t join them!

your thoughts? am I just being overly sensitive b/c I’m moving-or am I right to feel hurt?

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Oct 14, 2012
    • You are not being over sensative.  Your family is being a bunch of self centered jerks.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Oct 14, 2012
    • There appears to be some history here that we don’t have the benefit of knowing.  IMO, your mother was being reactive and passive-aggressive.  She’s wanting to send a non-verbal message to you without having to take the “blame” for making an accusation.  Her snarky comment about leaving “your perch” SCREAMS resentment for something (unless, of course, you literally DO live on a perch)!  It’s my experience that, there’s only one way to handle a passive aggressive individual; respond ONLY to what they say, NOT how they say it.  At some point, the passive-aggressive individual will likely do one of two things; give it up because she’s too cowardly to handle it directly, or GET REAL and say what’s really on her mind.  I suppose there is a third possibility, though...she could just harbor more and more resentment, making distance the only option.

      I’ve dealt with passive-aggressive individuals and calling them out rarely reaps an honest acknowledgement.  Usually, the P-A individual will deny, deny, deny...because if they were genuinely of an honest spirit, passive-aggressive behavior wouldn’t be how they handle themselves in the first place.

      I know i sound angry but it’s not the case.  I simply have no tolerance for passive aggressive behavior.  It’s disrespectful, cowardly and counter-productive.  IMO, if a person has nerve enough to IMPLY something, go the distance and have the guts to be honest about it.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nita P wrote Oct 14, 2012
    • yes i say the same as tulip.  you are more forgiving and kind then your family show or deserve, sorry to say.  i would give them flak, tell them off and slam the phone on their ear...

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Oct 14, 2012
    • If I had to guess, I’d say your family are pretty healthy people who don’t understand your health issues?  It sounds to me like that might be where the “off your perch” comment comes from.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Carine Nadel wrote Oct 14, 2012
    • no, they all have health issues-my parents are both openly understanding and inward hurt b/c we‘re leaving the state.  Neither one drive anymore-so the comment about my “perch” is a dig, but one referring to my not staying here and leaving the “tree” so to speak.

      My mom’s always been very sensitive about her daughters doing something other than what she wants-from huge decisions from where we live, to the small ones of what we want to use as decorative art on our walls.

      she sees our choices that aren’t her preferences as hurtful.  Mainly b/c her father was a tyrant who made her feel worthless.  so for us to not consider her feelings causes her to feel as if we don’t care.

      I see where she’s coming from-so I think they feel as if I should be willing to drop whatever I’m doing to do what they want.

      no excuses for them, but I understand that at 83-they‘re just this way.

      Still it would’ve been nice to be asked when they first decided earlier in the day-rather than when I called well past the time they more than likely knew I had eaten.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Butterfly13 wrote Oct 14, 2012
    • The most precious relationship non can be compared is a mother and daughter no matter how they make us feel at times-it is so unconditional even though the words that come out at times sound so conditional!  I would say you need to go over to her house alone, sit down and tell her how you feel.  You never know if each time you say good-bye is the last time and TRUST me after she is gone you will have many regrets- would have - should have - could have ....

      I lost my mother to cancer and I have so much more to say to her....always thinking she will be here forever so I put it off.....

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Oct 18, 2012
    • I can certainly relate as my mom as forthcoming as she is, does have a tendency to be sarcastic and when she doesn’t want to deal or we are not always agreeing with her, will be very abrupt with me and tune me out.

      I believe that when parents are so close with their kids and there are major changes, that it is very difficult for them to accept this...that is when you see them lash out, either being subtle or blatant.  It sounds like you do have a good relationship with them, and your mom is hurt that you are leaving, but if you sit with her and explain how important she is to you no matter where you both are, and her opinions matter, then you might be surprised how she may react differently to you.

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