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I hope I will not be judged by asking for help with this ?...
I have been seeing a married man...He travels for work and isn’t home except for Friday thru Monday mornings.  I usually see him once a week and talk every night when he isn’t at home.  He isn’t in love with his wife but he has kids and they are staying together for them.  I know that he is going to break my heart but he is a great guy and I enjoy spending time with him.  he makes me laugh, feel good about myself, and really likes me.  he tells me he misses me, and can’t wait to see me...I have thought about breaking it off with him but I enjoy his company.  HELP....

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Best Answer

Ladies - NO ONE can know all sides of this story outside our Father in Heaven.  Some of comment that the wife is the victim here - You Don’t Know That - she may very well be doing the same things he is.  We don’t know - we never will.  

I will say - that I take issue with anyone who’s married and says they don’t love their spouse.  I love my 1 st husband from 25 years ago.  I love the one i’m divorcing now - I just am not IN LOVE (IF THERE EVEN IS SUCH A THING)and I do not want to spend my life with them - therefore I chose NOT TO.

People find comfort in the wrong places often - food, exersize, drugs, love affairs.  None of them are healthy all the time.

I stand on my comment before, just know that you can live internally and externally with whatever may come.  There are moral issues of course - even though love/lust cloud them - just be true to YOU, for in the end that is what you will always have - - -yourself, your feelings, emotions, dreams, desires, and reflections of who you are and whom you’ve been.  

Live, Learn, Love.


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nmgirl98 wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I am currently married to a man who had 2 affairs that I know about and chances are, others that I don’t know about.  We are divorcing but still live in the same house...well, see my blog for the details.

      As we continue to live together, he spends his weekends at her house.  I can’t tell you how painful these last 2 years have been.

      He says he isn’t in love with his wife but yet they remain together.  Saying that they are staying together for the sake of the children is a convenient excuse.  He’s getting what he wants from you and still has the family at home.

      He’s not going to leave her for you.  And, if he does, that’s no way to build a relationship because he’ll cheat on you as well.  Remember, a dog can’t change its spots.

      For your mental health and spirit, break it off.  Do it now.  There are plenty of men out there who aren’t married and can be just as charming and personable.

      EDIT:  I’m not judging at all - just speaking as the woman on the other side




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • You will not be judged here.

      First I would ask is “What are you missing in your life?  How this man fit into the missing pieces?”




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I just can’t understand why a 40 year old woman still falls for the oldest excuse in the book, and how even after 40 women still want a man that is not theirs....so ridiculous, not judging you, i just don’t understand, it’s such a joke around the world about men cheating and telling the other woman they don’t love their wife but stay for the kids...when will woman stop being so desperate?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I’ve found myself starting this reply over again 3 times.
      The last thing I want you to have is hurt feelings, however if you continue this, strong chances are, you‘re going to.
      Married men who have affairs always say they aren’t in love with and/or sleeping with their wives. “We‘re just staying together for the kiddies.” Don’t buy that.
      I’m sure he DOES like you alot. And I know it can be really nice to have affection/attention/etc/etc when you‘re single for a long time.
      We have to like ourselves enough to tell married men, “Call me after the ink on your “Big D” papers is dry.”
      I had a chance to do this very same thing, and being single for 14 months, it was very tempting. It felt ‘safe’ for a minute because I wasn’t going to have to get too close to him. Key words: For a minute. I was afraid of getting hurt severely again as I’d been before. Over all of that now. He tried saying the same thing- not in love with wife, she ignores him (gee I wonder why? lol) blah blah blah. I said no. Plus, it pissed me OFF that he assumed I’d go for it. I found that just as offensive as the act itself. He likes me ALOT but at the same time all of it is very disrespectful to me, the wife, the kids, and I guess, himself but tough crap. lol
      In addition, I do NOT want the karma, or the loneliness that would likely show up after being with someone who ultimately wouldn’t be there in all of the important ways.
      It’s not worth it honey. I’m sure the attention is lovely but ultimately he isn’t yours. And he may be very nice but at the same time, don’t let him play you like that. The probable end result won’t be good. You’ll go home alone & he’ll go back to his family.
      There’s someone out there for you that can be there during the week AND on the weekends.
      Hugs!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • Honey - can I say my hubby left me for a younger model and she dumped him when they actually had their full time romance going on as he wasn’t half as exciting or sexy as he was when it was snatched moments ..

      Plus I’ve freinds who have walked in your shoes and then found out once they became the number one - they guy replaced the mistress role.

      I’m not judging just asking you to think would you want a man who has all this baggage and a tendancy to cheat - you sound like your worth more than that - why come second in anyones life




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Saylor101 wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • An affair or even just new relationship for that matter is FUN and exciting - there is no stress of mortgage and auto payments, how to raise the kids - expectations......He loves his wife - I would bet on it - but they  have grown apart.  He  may ver well love you, enjoy and and miss you when your apart - - - It is wonderful to hear those things...to be cared about, touched, and adored.  With him or anyone most likely it will be fleeting  (boy am I bitter or callus).  

      Be good to yourself.  Enjoy it for what it truly is - NOT what it might be.  I believe others are correct - if he is cheeting on her - no matter why - odds are good he always will be that way - - when things get rough, boring, stale, old with you/whomever, he will move on.  If you relize the possibility of that and can still enjoy what you have - then do.   BUT WE ALL pretty much know stayin together for the children is not the way to go.  Kids are smarter than that, and resent someone in the end - - -what good is a “dad” that is never home and when he is isn’t having a family life with the mother anyhow...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Smiley1962 wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • If he is such a great guy, then why is he doing this to you and his wife?  Don’t you wonder if he is also doing this with other woman when he travels?  I am not juding you at all, but remember as someone else had mentioned once a cheater, always a cheater, they don’t change.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I believe you know what the answer to this is. happy




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • Oh Girl..I have something to share with you..And anyone else who is in this situation or thinking about getting into one..I will just hit the highlights and if you want an in depth story I would be glad to share it with anyone who asks..If it will give someone else a glimmer of light on a very dark road it will be well worth sharing...This is about the father of my daughter...short version..He lied about getting a divorce, he went back to his wife when I told him I was pregnant, he wanted me to get an abortion or I could be his quiet lil mistress..He refused to tell his wife or anyone I was pregnant..He said he was ashamed of me. Then I caught them in bed together..I told her about me and the baby..She divorced him and he came back to me..5 yrs after our daughter was born we married..Our daughter's birth Certificate says father unknown...he didn't want to be responsible for the hospital and doctor costs..It was a nightmare from day one..I was beaten often and because of the mental abuse I had 2 nervous breakdowns.. I lived like this for 13 yrs..I married him out of spite and hate and revenge..But in the end I was the one who lost..He is very wealthy..But my name was on nothing accept my min van..When we divorced I got 47 thousand dollars and my vehicle, personal belongings..He even got our daughter...a lil insight here..He never laid a hand on me before we got married..He wasn't a drinker or on drugs...he just likes to hit women..I did find out after he and I were married he slapped his first wife around too. To top it all off ..after we were divorced a mutual friend came to me and told me he had  been having an affair for 2 yrs before we divorced..I kind of knew but by then I just didn't care anymore...There are many many details that would blow your mind, the things this man did to me...I am not telling you what to do by no means..just realize it can happen to you as well...Cut him loose and see where he goes then..I can bet he will have you replaced in no time ...  Good Luck Girl




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Holly Beck wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I have been in your situation - in fact, I have been on both sides of the fence (the other woman, and the wife).  

      All I have to say to you is that I understand. The other responses are true and make sense, but these are not the things that you want to hear right now, are they? I feel for you - it can be a thrilling adventure, but also a very lonely existence. Just look inside your heart and do what you have to do for YOU. If you are truly enjoying his company and don’t mind the trade-offs, then just let it take it’s course. Just be honest with yourself and realistic in your expectations of this relationship.

      Good luck!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rebecca Deos wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • Even if everything he said is true, about his wife and his marriage, it still leaves me with one question.

       If he truly cared about you, wouldn’t he want to see you in a truly fulfilling relationship instead of one based on just the percentage that is is capable of giving? He is getting fulfillment between two different women, and neither woman is getting fulfillment from him. It’s a rather selfish setup on his part.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Smiley1962 wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • Mybabygato I understand that you are very bitter about what has happened to you, but remember it does take two people to have an affair.  So I feel it is both of their faults, not just one person.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • Relationship cheating involves disrespect....the cheaters are disrespecting not only the spouses, but their love interest, and also themselves by engaging this morally reprehensible practice. Best left to the bottom feeders....rise to the surface and hold your head high. I guarantee you will feel better about yourself.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      3sa wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I read once that love and attachment are two different things.  Very important to know the difference.  In your case it seems like even if this man love or likes you, he is still attached to his wife and family.  Attachment is very strong, and will keep a man with his wife even if there is no more love.  

      His wife and family gives him that stability and security that attachments bring in our lives and most men in these situations never leave their wife because loss of an attachment is very painful and would cause suffering for him.

      You will just be in a relationship with a man who is attached to someone else, is that what you want for yourself?  He is scum, and his wife and child are victims and you need to realize you have strayed off the path...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I have to agree with jenz.
      If it wasn’t you it would be some other woman her would be saying this to.

      No ‘great’ guy would do this to someone he says he loves.
      I hope you find the true happiness you deserve!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • My ex left me for another woman.  He told her the same thing that he did not love me anymore and yada yada.  So he divorced me.  Guess what, he did the same thing to her after a few years.  I do think men like that have psychological issue.  Either they do not know how to end one first and begin another one or has no consideration.

      You may not like to hear as if I am attacking your ideal man.  However, if he is thoughtful enough, he will be thoughtful and considerate to all people.  

      Like other sisters, we do not like you to be hurt and yet, emotion is emotion.  It may be very hard for you to pull out and maybe you never want to.  (sigh)... may the future lands on a good note for everyone that is involved.   Blessings.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • You know, these guys who say they don’t love their wives. That’s a huge red flag. My ex used to use the line “I’m on the fence. Jennifer is serious but I just don’t know...” then the son of a bitch would come home & tell me he was in love with me & buy me things & cook for me etc etc. Of course we were sexual.
      I had connections where he worked & they told me PLENTY.
      The man who has an affair is having his cake and eating it too. And, make no mistake honey- he will do so as long as you allow it.
      A man who wants you will not let you go and will do whatever it takes to be with you in all of the right ways. Dump him & watch how fast he disappears back to the ol’ homestead where everything is likely clean & secure & family like. Bleh! He’ll of course call you for a bit & say all of the things he thinks he needs to say to get you to remain agreeable. It won’t last long. Try it.
      Your friend may sound nice but he’s very selfish and disrespectful.
      If I sound like someone who’s gotten her ass burned, you’d be correct. But rest assured, it won’t happen again.
      On that note, the day I run into the ridiculous chick that was ‘hangin with’ my ex behind my back, I won’t be the one standing there feeling like pond scum. But she sure will.
      My point is, you don’t deserve this, but his wife doesn’t either.
      Get out of that.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • VERY good point 3sa....Love and Attachment are distinctly different. I personally feel men who feel lonely or unloved in a marriage are less willing to end the attachment the marriage provides than women. They can separate their need and fulfillment of their Love needs, from the security, social respect and responsibility to provide for their family. To them, the two can co-exist and one has nothing to do with the other. Possibly why so many married men never leave their wives.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • If I was you I would get out now while you have a chance, I know easier said than done.I have been there and I was deceived..By the time I knew the truth it was to late I was having his child..We have been divorced awhile and I still Hate him and would not give him air if I had him in a jar..I would watch him smother with a smile on my face...By the way..I did feel bad for his wife in all this..She and I were both victims...years after I went to see her and I apologized to her and ask her for forgiveness..She did and she told me I was pissed at first, but she wanted to say thank you also..She is now married to a wonderful man who treats her right...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • second to Jenni on 3sa’s insightful comment.

      My next question for you is “Will you be satisfied in the future if he remains married to his wife and treat you like a mistress forever?”  If your answer is “No“, then you have a lot of thinking to do.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • Sorry I’ve rambled in here by the way. This topic seems to have lit a fire under my ass today. A rare occasion. lol...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Fraz764 wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • Dee, I started not to respond, but I have to. My best friend is in a situation with a married man who has been staying with his wife for the kids for the past 12 years. The youngest child is now in college, and he has another excuse now he can’t leave the wife alone because she is struggling with the children being gone. Oh, I forgot to mention that my friend has a child by him a 9 year old son who is also being cheated on because of the situation.  

      I have listened to her pain and heartache for so long, I want to strangle him. She loves him and she feels that he loves her but he always has a “situation” that prevents him from leaving. I have never said that he does not love her, because I do not know his heart, but I know that she deserves more and so do you.

      Like everyone else I am not passing judgement on you but you are in a situation that can hurt a lot of people including yourself.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Termite wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I wasnt going to reply to any questions or anything when I signed on today. I was only going to leave a friend a quick note on her profile because of a time issue. But this question caught my eye. I have to say that I am completely against anyone, either it be the man or the woman cheating! I am one who believes that a commitment is just that!  If he or she are not happy in the relationship then get out of it before they decide to look further. If he tells you he is staying in the relationship because of the children, than that is a complete lie! He is not doing his children any favors by staying. I could go on and on about this, but I don’t have the time. I will say, that I am trying not to judge you, but it is very hard for me not to. I am just being honest here! I completely disagree with what you are doing, and what he is doing, especially when you know in your heart it is wrong. Be true to yourself!
      Sorry if I hurt your feelings, I am just being honest!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Polly W wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I am not going to judge you, but you really need to take a moment and judge yourself a little.
      Is what you are doing against your beliefs?
      Do you think you deserve better than once a week?
      What about the rest of your life? Are you okay with wasting 10-20 years of your life with the certainty that at the end, you will still be alone!
      See, right now, it’s all about him. Trust me honey, I have seen it over and over again. It’s ALWAYS all about him. Those wonderful things he says to you? It’s still all about him....he says those to keep you on the line. He says them to his wife too.
      My advice—-move on. Yes it is going to be hard...yes he will woo you with promises. He may even give you a little more time per week. But—-it will still be all about him.
      (What kind of man cheats on his wife, if it ISN‘T all about him?)




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Saylor101 wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • Ladies - NO ONE can know all sides of this story outside our Father in Heaven.  Some of comment that the wife is the victim here - You Don’t Know That - she may very well be doing the same things he is.  We don’t know - we never will.  

      I will say - that I take issue with anyone who’s married and says they don’t love their spouse.  I love my 1 st husband from 25 years ago.  I love the one i’m divorcing now - I just am not IN LOVE (IF THERE EVEN IS SUCH A THING)and I do not want to spend my life with them - therefore I chose NOT TO.

      People find comfort in the wrong places often - food, exersize, drugs, love affairs.  None of them are healthy all the time.

      I stand on my comment before, just know that you can live internally and externally with whatever may come.  There are moral issues of course - even though love/lust cloud them - just be true to YOU, for in the end that is what you will always have - - -yourself, your feelings, emotions, dreams, desires, and reflections of who you are and whom you’ve been.  

      Live, Learn, Love.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Saylor101 wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • quick side note - we are entitled to our opinions - - but we are not entitled to judge anyone.   so if your going to talk of right and wrong or ethics and morals - well, if we‘re gonna play all those cards - we also have to play the JUDGE NOT.

      NO stones from my glass house.  Over and Out. Saylor




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • Saylor: just to add a little humor and light note here.  I am throwing you this rock... are you sure you don’t want it????  estatic




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • One can sugar coat this topic until pigs fly.
      Cheating=WRONG.

      Period.

      If someone isn’t happy, then stop sneaking around like a coward. What a turn off already.
      Honesty’s better. When a cheater lies to their partner, aren’t they robbing them of the choice to stay or leave based on fact? Yes. They are.

      And how nice to lie & put someone else at risk of the lovely diseases that are out there, hmm? No excuse.
      I’m not being judgemental at all. Nothing good comes from things like this.

      And you luv, deserve better. I truly hope you get it or it finds you. happy
      Hugs & best wishes.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Mar 9, 2009
    • I had an affair too w/a married man.  He told me his parents expected the two of them to be married but he never felt the excitement with her as he did with me.  I was young and believed every word he said UNTIL one night I needed him to comfort me - I needed only his loving arms holding me since he professed his deep love for me but of course I didnt have his HOME PHONE and it was prior to cell days I only had his office number - my emergency was after hours so I couldnt get a hold of him. Looking back, if cells were in existance back them Im sure if he was in the middle of a family dinner he still would not have been there for me!

      Remember you can never count on him if it were between being with you or his wife if she needed him at the same time.

      Im not judging you-I just hope you know where you stand. He is lying about being there for the kids sake because 60% of ALL marriages end in divorce so its “normal” to get a divorce when love is lost.  Why would parents want their kids to believe a loveless-no affection marriage is good for their child to see-then this is what the child will believe to be true when they become an adult. If he has a daughter she will feel its ok not to feel affection-ok to be verbally abused - its ok to be married for convenience and not love.

      Follow your HEAD not your Heart.....




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