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Are you able to talk openly with your partner about sex or do you just not bring up likes/dislikes? Do you feel sex is not an important part of your relationship?

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Phillips wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • I have to answer my own question and I am so curious to find out other people’s answers. It’s something I’m not afraid to talk about even though it wasn’t something discussed at ALL in my previous marriage.

      My sex life in my marriage stunk. I wonder how I even had all these children. My ex loved watching porn (alone) and is/was just not an intimate person. It wasn’t frequent...and I guess I had a far higher sex drive, according to him. I think I had a normal sex drive. However, he dictated when so after awhile it became an assigned task. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t intimate and it was always silent. Yuck. That was 7.5 years ago and I am so glad it didn’t affect me in the intimacy department. Although, I used to wonder if it was just me and then I started dating and realized it wasn’t. He had major hangups—talking was TABOO.

      I’ve had short term relationships over the years and yes, sex is important. But moreover, there had to be a connection beyond sex. That didn’t always happen. When sex became the only connection, it was clear that there was no “relationship“.  

      I will say that the relationship I am in now is by far the best in my life. It’s not just the sex (which is outstanding)...it’s the whole package. We just click and talking is our strong suit. We don’t email much at all—maybe once a week? We TALK. I get a couple of awesome text messages a day when he’s working...and we never discuss important stuff that way. I think that’s why this works so well.
      As far as talking about sex...yes...it’s no problem. We both have the same drive (yay) and we‘re very, very affectionate people. The fact that we can talk about it openly is really important. We both agree that sex IS very important in a relationship because with other things going on (like 7 kids between us and the stress of his job) it could fall by the wayside. This, we agree, is not going to happen because we both see sex as a stress relief and a free short vacation.

      You might say, “wait a few years“...but I had a relationship with him 4+ years ago when neither of us were in the emotional position post divorce (and w little toddlers) to give it all to a relationship. Sex never lacked then and it’s even better now.

      Are there nights that we just fall asleep? Yes...well, not too many....but that’s good, too. I think you can be intimate just laying together.  

      I am 45 years old with about 45 years to go...I’ll be dammed if I am ever going to be in a relationship like I was when I was married. Perhaps that’s why it took so long to be in this one! Worth the wait...

      Now...I’m curious....and wondering if the fab 40’s are fab in this dept for others, too?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marie Hempsey wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • Funny this comes up today. After reading the “oral sex” post and it’s repsonses and then the whole “Masturbation Nation”  i was curious about my husband and his reasons for “things“. So last night, in a totally unprecedented conversation i asked him...“things” I felt way more comfy than i thought i would and oddly enough he was vague and i pushed for a more detailed answers. It really opened up an entire new area for us to explore. We have been together for 24 years so any thing we can consider new is great! Now in answer to the ?...I think sex IS a very important part of our relationship and talking about likes/dislikes is now going to be apart of that relationship.
      Thanks for asking,
      Have a great day!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marie Hempsey wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • Hello again,
      You know having just read your reply i feel i should elaborate. My husband and i are best friends and we really click. Sex and intimacy in general took a back seat for a long time after our 5th child. I had post partum blues, had my tubes tied, went through a whole entire issue with that. Sex was not important to me. It still was to him though but i was ice cold for a few years. I still do not know what that was all about( I had 5 kids,was working 3 jobs, helping run our family business and had a big old house and we were still broke and everything was a mess all the time) but i had terrble guilt on top of everything for not “taking care” of my husband...that was from 1995 - 2003.Yeah a looong time. I was so blessed that he took the initiative in the fall of 2003 to woo me. He turned into this ultra romantic man and we really re-clicked. Since then we have grown in every way, spiritaully, sexually, we are best friends! Our kids are older and we have alot more time on our hands. Saturday nights all the kids go out and we sit and look at each other and say...“What happened, when did they grow up” ? But we have embraced the challenge and i can honestly say our sex now is better than it ever as been...just amazing. So again, thanks for asking and letting me share this. And good for you finding what you have found with your guy now. That is awesome!
      Have a wonderful day!
      Ree




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Phillips wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • Wow. That’s awesome!!!! Good for you. My parents were married for 43 years before they passed away. My Mom told me, at age 60, that they had a GREAT sex life...still. OK...I blushed. ;)




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • I make a lot of jokes about my relationship with Scott, but most of the time it’s because a lot of people just don’t enjoy hearing about how good someone else has it. I’m so glad you‘re happy in your new love, Cheryl. I know the way it makes you feel, right down to your toes and to the tips of your killer haircut.

      Any relationship that considers communication to be a key factor will be a good one. You may not always see eye to eye, but being able to discuss your preferences will help you find solutions to whatever might crop up.

      We talk about everything... we started out online, so I was able to make sure he was ABLE to communicate, first; and then that he WANTED to communicate. We’d both been down the road of ‘if you don’t mention it, it will go away‘, and that’s why we were both single again!

      Great topic for discussion this morning!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Phillips wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • Feathermaye...you know you‘re my idol, right? I love that you love your hubby so much. Communication is WHY my parents were best friends, lovers and enjoyed life so much together. After my divorce I told myself I’d hold out for THAT type of relationship. Me thinks I’ve got it!! Even if we don’t agree (he’s very precise and I’m very much the free-to-be-you-and-me girl at times) on everything, we just say it...right away.  

      Don’t ever be afraid to talk about how great of a relationship you have. It is SO nice to hear. And..by the way, we met online, too. Over 4 years ago. I was smitten right away because he was not afraid to communicate...and he sent me a song in almost every email. Still sends me songs but mostly holds his cell phone up to the car radio and says “listen“!!

      This is a great topic isn’t it? Maybe we’ll inspire women to get the lines of communication opened up!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • Yes, we can talk openly about it and often do. My husband was in a 32 year marriage with a woman who put a row of pillows between in their bed and refused to have sex with him. The topic was never discussed and he went years without any intimacy.

      Then along came me.

      I believe that the sexual part of a relationship is really what separates roommates from partners in life. It brings us closer in a way that shuts out the rest of the world.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • LOL @ Cheryl... I love the cell phone to the radio. Priceless.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dianne67 wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • I absolutely agree that all levels of intimacy are important in a relationship.  My first marriage suffered because intercourse was painful for me with him.  I had and still have interstitial cystitis, which is a painful bladder disorder.  At the time, I felt like half a person because it hurt so much down there.  Dr. Phil said it best with, “When you are having sex it is 10% of the relationship; but when you are not it becomes 90%.  Sex is talked about and shown everywhere.  You start feeling like you are the only one in the world not doing it.  My ex also had issues from past abuse so communication was not his strong point with our problem.    

      I would have sex in pain without him knowing it.  I would hurt for days afterwards.  I always had urinary tract infections since I was a child.  That can lead to the illness.  It also helps those relate to the irritating feeling.  It feels like 100 times worse than that when you have IC.  

      I now am happy to say I have the pain under control with meds and never had painful sex with my boyfriend in over a year that we have been together.  Thank you God!!!  When you haven’t had it for a while, look out!!  I am a sex piggy!!  I was shopping for all kinds of gadgets.  

      Anyway, I absolutely love sex.  I love sex toys, laughing and having fun during it, dressing in sexy lingere, and we always communicate about our likes and dislikes.  I will sometimes send him a sexy picture to his phone; but I always keep my face out and just leave the body parts.  You never know, just in case I want to run for President someday.  I don’t want the skeletons coming out.

      I do believe though that intimacy and intercourse are two different things.  Intimacy is always important to have because you never know if there could be an ED problem down the road and you don’t want that to break the relationship.  

      My boyfriend loves to cuddle and we are very loving.  I did not come from parents that were openly affectionate and we are not an, “I Love You“, expressing family.  That said though, my boyfriend and I are very expressive and it is wonderful.  I am so passionately in love with him.  He is truly my soul mate.  He is very good to me and we have a strong mutual respect for one another.  That is something I lacked the first time around.

      If you want any advice on toys, just ask me.

      Hugs-
      Dianne




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deb Link wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • This topic has definetly changed for me over the years.
      I’m finally in a relationship where it is comfortable for me/us to talk about anything and everything.....sex included.
      Sex is important in a relationship and yet I need to say that understanding is the ultimate for relationships. My S.E. has been so understanding during my illness. Sex has taken a back seat for some time now. We used to be all over each other when we were first together. Since my illness we both have realized that others things may be a priority over sex. I’ve found that the time interval between our sexual encounters actually have made our love life stronger. It is more special...closer and more loving. It’s not just sex anymore. I like that alot.
      Matt is my life long love.  I kissed alot of frogs before I found my Prince.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Phillips wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • My goodness...pillows.....in old times those were called “bed boards” and kept couples from having sex...birth control of sorts. YUCK

      This morning we were talking about Anthony’s ex. She remarried a few years ago and now has a one year old. She’s one year older than I am. We were talking about what it would be like to wake up to a 1 year old now..hmmm. We get to lay in bed on a Sunday morning. All of our kids know how to make breakfast. A one year old? Nah. That would kill the moment. haha. I know...that’s bad...but I’ve been there, done that 5x. Love life as it is.

      NO pillows here. And Cynthia...do you also woo your hubby with chocolate? ha ha.  I go to your blog when I’m hungry!!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Phillips wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • Feathermaye...I can never, ever hear the song because he puts the phone up so close. But I always say, “LOVE that song!!” ;)




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Oct 10, 2008
    • LOL!! Secret’s safe with me!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lizajounes wrote Oct 13, 2008
    • At one time we could talk. But things just got so. I just can not talk to him. Why, I have know clue. Some thing is wrong and I do not know why. Once, I said some thing like why did you get out of the bed so fast? He said that my sex drive was stronger then his! I was so hurt that I just let it go. Some time has passed but things are the same.His words made me feel like a freak!!:(




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nita P wrote Jan 25, 2012
    • can talk anything i like.  sex is so important to me.  it confirms our intimacy, our bonding, our marriage, our togetherness, it is a mind and body experience, it confirms our desires for each other, its an exchanged vulnerability and open trust.  we have very little to no sex life, but i remember these things....




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