Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.

Q & A

Serious and true question, would love your advice: your 75 year old father dumps a huge family secret on you and makes you swear never to tell.  The secret is that your only sibling is really not HIS child, but a result of an affair your mother had with a married man way back when. He says he will never tell your sibling, but he just wanted to get it off his chest. Your mother is now deceased so you cannot verify this.  QUESTION: do you tell your sibling? Keep in mind dad swears he will NEVER tell and will take it to his grave.  Do you tell your sibling or try to pretend you never heard this information?

  •  



Answer this See more Questions

View All Answers

    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Apr 3, 2009
    • Wow Denise. How unfair is this!!!
      He wants to get it off his chest and onto yours. Not fair.
      The question for me is what his true motivation is for telling you this. In his heart of hearts does he really want your sibling to know eventually? He has kept the secret for years, so why now? And the hardest part is that your sibling could be devastated. I guess I would ask yourself if You would want to know the truth. Also, what type personality does your sibling have and how would it effect them?

      I imagine you are very frustrated right now. I would definitely wait a long while before you make a decision.
      This could be a lifelong alteration to your sister or brother.

      I wish you well on your choice. Please keep us updated okay?




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Apr 3, 2009
    • I agree with Della....this was a very selfish act on your father’s part. Please stay calm and reserve judgment or action until you have had time to digest and clearly think about how you want to act.




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Doreen XoXo wrote Apr 3, 2009
    • Wow...thats a load of stuff.  I dont think it was fair of him to “dump” it on you.  No disrepect, but is he all together in the head?  Does he have alzheimers or something??




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Middlesworth wrote Apr 3, 2009
    • Denise, this is a huge burden for you to have to carry. What’s even worse is that there is no way for you to verify the infomation.
      This must be a tremendous weight on your shoulders.
      I’m at a loss on this one, but I would certainly think long and hard on this one.
      If it were me, I think I would keep my promise and let your father deal with this all together.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Apr 3, 2009
    • I’m so sorry you have been given this burden. Gosh, this is a difficult one. I think I’d first want to know if the biological father is still alive. If he is deceased then perhaps this can wait until your dad has passed someday. If the father is alive, I think that everyone is entitled to the opportunity to meet their natural father. And what about siblings from that side of the equasion? It’s terribly unfair that your dad has given you this information with the expectation that you will keep it inside. Only you can know the right thing to do as you know your brother and grew up with him. My heart goes out to you. I hope sharing it here has helped you with your decision or at best made it more comfortable for you.




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Apr 3, 2009
    • I’m not sure what to say other than I am sorry for the pain you are going thru...




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Apr 4, 2009
    • Denise not only is this a burden but also very selfish.

      I wouldn’t know how to advise but are you close to this sibling and is the other parent alive?




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Apr 4, 2009
    • Also Denise, if there is no way to verify and then locate the father this could be another hurt in itself. I would want to locate and know my true father. The stone may be better left unturned for so many reasons. A “dark cloud” could lay over your siblings head for their lifetime.*Possibly




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Apr 4, 2009
    • First of all, this is so not fair to you.  You shouldn’t have been put in the middle.

      Second, your father could be wrong.  He may have spent all these  years believing that your brother isn’t his, when he may in fact really be. But, while your father is still alive, it would be a good idea to try to get him to have blood typing or DNA work done to prove/disprove his theory.

      If he is determined to take this  secret to his grave, I think you have to honor that.  What you with it after he is gone is up to you.

      It’s a heavy burden to bear, but I don’t see how it would benefit anyone to tell this secret.

      As shopgirl said, the stone is probably be best left unturned.  I have a very similar situation with my youngest son.  I am 99% sure that the man he calls dad is his biological father, but..... he may not be.  But there is no point in ever telling any of the parties involved that bit of information.  It would cause irreparable hurt and suffering, so why do it?




            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Apr 4, 2009
    • First: I would ask myself - would this be better of not knowing and let it carry to the grave?  Personally, I would want to know rather than not.  If you agree with me, see that it’s a privilege rather than a burden.

      Second, I would talk to your father and discuss more on why not disclosing this to the siblings.  I am thinking - if I were the siblings, and my dad came to me and tell me I was born of a different mother, yes, I would be shocked and with all kinds of emotions, but after awhile, when I come to my senses and mature thinking, I would not want to trade anything for I still love my dad and my mother and all my siblings.  If I want to find out who is my birth mother, I don’t know, may be after all the healing with the family first.  

      We all made mistakes and I am at a point understanding Parents are not perfect either.  

      Just my humble opinion.




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 4, 2009
    • omg...
      The burden & despair..
      Not a decision anyone would want to be forced to have to make. Unfair indeed.
      There is alot to consider here...Is there a reason why he didn’t tell him himself instead of you?
      Does he not want him to know? For medical reasons in life that could occur, he would need to know, but...
      I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
      As an adoptee, I’ve always had strong feelings regarding knowing where I come from, but this is very different.
      When or if he does learn this truth, as has probably crossed your mind 1000 times, he’ll feel betrayed & go through a list of emotions...
      Can you talk to your Father & ask him to handle this?
      Gosh- I don’t know what to say... Anything we can do for you?




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Herich wrote Apr 6, 2009
    • Thanks everyone for your advice!!
      It’s actually my sister that I’m talking about.
      Agree: my dad is not the brightest bulb and I’m sure he didn’t really think it through when he laid this on me.
      My father claims my sister’s biological father is dead, he died in 1977 of complications from a disease THAT SHE HAS (now we know where she got it).
      I’m torn on whether to tell her for a couple reasons:
      1.) I absolutely know my father will never tell her, and she has a right to know; 2.) what if she has other half brothers and sisters out there, she might want to know that; 3.) what if God forbid she’s in some kind of life and death situation where some kind of organ match was needed for a transplant and I wasn’t a good enough match (and she may have a better match with other half siblings?)

      Ah, the list goes on.

      For now, I guess I’ll just keep thinking on it and not tell her.  For now anyway.

      THANK YOU ONE AND ALL for your kind words and advice!!




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Karen Rhyshek wrote May 18, 2009
    • I would get some facts about it first before I dropped the bomb.  You never know, it may be a blessing, it may not.  The truth will set you free, I hope.  Very difficult position to be put in.  Question is, Why is your dad so adamant about not telling anyone else?  That seems silly since he already placed the burden on you.  I think he wants you to make the decision to tell or not to tell.  But he’s acting like a baby who won’t giveup his candy.




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Karen Rhyshek wrote May 18, 2009
    • good gracious!  The disease is a very  important factor in this.  You MUST tell her because she may pass it on to her own children.  The medical profession can treat things better if caught earlier.




            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Rhonda61 wrote May 20, 2009
    • I too think that he told you so that you would tell your sister.  She does need to know because of the medical issues.  I carry a burden much like yours except it involves my husband and a brother he doesn’t know he has and it is very hard sometimes not to just blurt it out.  I am going to tell him at some point but I just don’t know when or how.  It will feel good to get it off of my chest when I finally do tell him and I know you will feel the same way.  Good luck and God bless.




            Report  Reply


Ask a Question






mature content submit as anonymous