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Q & A

Does anyone have an Alcoholic family member, spouse or close friend, and how do you deal with it?

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Doreen XoXo wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • yes i do..... i dont know how, but i deal




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Moon wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • I’ve been dealing with it for over 25 years with people close to me, and at times I really want to throw in the  towel.  I would really like to hear how other women deal with it




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • my hubby is on his 11 th year of being clean and sober...the first 5 yrs of marriage sucked!!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Moon wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • How did he stop?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Dahringer wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • My ex- husband is and that’s why we‘re divorced. He had every opportunity to get help while he was in the military,but chose to ignore it.Now , being a civilian he has gotten 3 DUI and a nice little 6 week vacation in jail and his license suspended..I don’t have to deal with it his girlfriend does..




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Moon wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • Thanks Termagsea, I appreciate your honesty and support.  My father is a reformed alcoholic, my stepmother was a closet drunk and a pill popper who had to go to rehab for 30 days, and to help her, my Dad quit drinking cold turkey, and luckily they are still sober 20 years later.  I know many people who are alcoholics, mostly friends or acquaintances..




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • well it is truly a long story. He had to be the one ready to stop. He loved the drugs more than us. Sad, but true fact. I do suggest alanon, but find a group that fits you. It took me 4 groups to find the one i liked. PM me if you want to talk privately! estatic




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Moon wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • Thanks Mztracyestatic




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ayesha wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • I was married to

      an Alcoholic .

      In the long run,

      it does not work !

      Except at our own

      expense - by suffering

      from what they put us through ...




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Apr 14, 2009
    • I was married to a man who saw himself as a "social drinker "he wasn't he was a full on alcoholic ........ As he couldn't see what he was doing was wrong I just left.
      My older sister was a full on classy, fully paid up functioning alcoholic........ A large bottle of gin a day and you would never know – started the day with gin in her can of diet cola and slowly eased the bottle empty – held down a big job but also suffered very severe depression which was exacerbated by the drinking – chicken and egg syndrome – sadly this Friday will be the first anniversary of her death – she committed suicide.
      Honey all I know life is precious and we have once shot – so what do you want out of life I bet you don't your final thoughts  to be wandering back to a time when you second guessed a bunch of selfish souls who were out of their mind on drink .......




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Racefan wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • yes my soon to ex-husband  drinks all the time, wilnot admit he has a drinking problem but that is not the only reason we are getting a divorce, he has a girlfriend who will party with him, because partying is not my for me




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Smiley1962 wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • Alcoholism runs in my family.  My grandfather, my dad, my 2 uncles and my brother are alcoholics.  I was more involved with my brother.  He is only 14 months older than me.  I have been to rehab with him more times than I can remember.  I have attended meetings, and did everything I thought was right.  Finally I realized that all I was doing was enabling him and making it easier for him.  Finally after who remembers what number it was that he was in rehab, and came out and wanted to go back to doing what he wanted, I said enough.  You can not help someone that does not want help.  As hard as it was, I said no more.  I was putting him before my husband and son, and said NO MORE!  So my brother was homeless for 4 years, and he finally hit rock bottom.  He was found by the police with a knife in his arm and bleeding.  They took him to the hospital and from there it got better.  He has been recovered now for about 9 years.  So sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they can get better.  Remember it is there disease not yours, and you can only help if they want help and can admit they are an alcoholic.  I know it is easier said than done.  Good Luck to you, and remember it is not your fault it is there disease and they can only be helped when they are ready.   God Bless You!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Smiley1962 wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • I strongly recommend going to Al-Anon that is for people who have alcoholics in their lives and they can help.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • UK, I’m sorry you had to go through that honey. I know what that feels like as a sister. My brother also did that, March 30 1997. My heart goes out to you.

      Deanna, I’ve dealt with alcoholics my whole life. Unfortunately, that disease kills more people every day than heart disease & cancer combined.  

      This commercial should have said ALCOHOL too. It’s the exact same thing.  

      To answer your question on how you deal with it, first, ask yourself, “Do you have to deal with this?” Is it in your house? Or, is it close enough to you where you need support? If so, Al Anon is helpful. People can wind up very co-dependent over time without even realizing it when dealing with alcoholics. Setting boundaries for yourself is very important. Not enabling is also. You may have to get selfish. Take care of YOU.  

      I was in a relationship with an alcoholic who drank on average a 12 pak per night, drank vanilla whalers at work in a coke- disguised as a vanilla coke, would add tequila to that list sometimes or add a bottle of wine. I never knew what I was coming home to. Over time this was progressive & to make a long sickening story short, he was abusive as hell & no longer had a conscience. To put it mildly, he was a miserable and selfish SOB. I had to leave for various reasons of course, but it all came down to Nevermind HIM- I had to save ME.
      That shit can take a person to ‘places’ they never thought they could ‘go.’ That applies to the alcoholic as well as the loved ones of the drinker. No joke.
      I hope you are ok and I wish you luck.
      Sometimes you have to love people from a distance. Sometimes you have to walk away. Setting boundaries & sticking to them for your own good isn’t always attractive to an alcoholic either. I know you are a strong person and I have faith in you that you will be just fine. ‘This too shall pass’ is a huge slogan in Al Anon.
      You let go and let God handle it (or something bigger than yourself) as you take care of yourself and live your best life.
      HUGS!
      ps- sorry this is so long... if it were applicable, I think I’d have enough credits on this topic to be a freakin professor!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • Okay, I know this is advice for deanna46, but I would like to know how many woman (40+) out there are alcoholics? I am a recovering alcoholic and it is a struggle everyday for me unless I have my support system with me (my husband and daughter). I went to an IOP (Intensive OutPatient treatment )for 6 weeks and felt wonderful and loved waking up in the morning w/out a hangover. Life is sooo clear now and I love it.  I come from a long line of alcoholics who are men, but when it comes to them, you get, “Boy, he loves his beer!” To everyone, it’s an inside family joke. When I was going through problems (cancer, moving to a new place in a different state, no support from my siblings or mom or dad) I just got pointed at and they said, “You have a problem.”  No support offered, just mean comments and you need help.  Finally, my life was spiralling out of control, my husband and 18 yr old intervened and helped me get help.  Without them, yes, I probably would be dead by now. They don’t scorn me. They are there for me to talk to when I am feeling low and my self esteem is in the toilet. I am now seeing a pschologist and a psychiatrist after all of this. I am seeing, besides having the alcoholism in the family, that alot of my problems have stemmed from my family - mom, dad, sisters.  My psychologist has listened to me cry and tell my stories of my past and she narrowed it down for me in one word - TOXIC. She told me that my family is toxic and what a big wake up call that was for me. I know that me choosing to drink is my choice but I don’t anymore because alcohol is TOXIC just like my family and I don’t want any part of that anymore. I enjoy life and my children without both. And I am a much happier person without both.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • Yes. One must avoid toxic people. Crucial! Related or NOT. Tht used to be such tabu to cut relatives out of your life.
      Now, not really. You have the right to peace.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • one thing to remember, is take care of you! Try alanon for YOU!  

      You cannot change the addict or make them stop. There is nothing you can do for them. You must let go...
      Until they want to stop, until they hit their rock bottom, there is nothing that can be done.  

      You are powerless over another, you only have the power to control your life.
      blessings!




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      57haddreams wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • My brother is one, luckily he got the flu in December, quit drinking, had 2 alcohol withdrawal seizures and ended up in the hospital for 5 days, he was told point blank, you drink again, you will seize again and you will die.  While he was there he got the patch to quit smoking and now 4 mo later, he is sober, does not smoke has gained weight, does not shake, can walk without a cane...it’s been great...I can only hope and pray it sticks, but so far so good.  Sad to say, we just ignored the problem, it is very hard to confront someone, especially someone you‘re not married to or otherwise locked into a relationship with.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • I had a close friend that is alcoholic.  After 10 years+ of friendship, I had to break away for I myself have no more energy to rescue.  Even though she did not demand much, in fact, she is very giving.  I love her too much and it is draining.  I keep sending her prayers privately.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ayesha wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • Chinadoll,

      this comment

      from you

      hit too close

      to home ...

      frown




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • mom2009 why is it your fault he hit the bottle?  

      People who are alcoholics use that type of selfish behaviour to guilt trip the other party - so they can carry on with their own pity party ....

      My sister could go for weeks with no drink or could limit herself to just two days - she never looked like a sterotype drunk - never slurred her words, fell over - was sick etc; like I say she was beautiful - she was global director for UK and Europe for Estee Lauder - she earned around $1.2 million a year ....... but she was an alcoholic - a fully functioning alcoholic ......

      It’s very hard being with one they are toxic and they drain you of all your energy - I used to call her a vampire she would swoop in bite me and leave me for dead and then be of to hit another bottle ....

      ayesha are you okay honey ?




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Polly W wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • Yes, Dad was, Uncle was, ex husband was, and several friends are. You deal with it this way. You don’t enable, don’t support, and don’t condone it. You let them deal with the problems they cause themselves. You don’t preach and cry and beg them to quit, cause they won’t. They will accuse, lie, and make you feel like shit to get what they want, after all, they don’t think they have a problem. The only way an alcoholic stops drinking is when they are DAMN sick of what the effects are. That could be near death or death for some, or the loss of a job or a friendship for others. Everyone has their rock bottom.
      I do know exactly what I am talking about here. I drank like a sieve for years. My reasons were plentiful, and made sense at the time. They simply stopped making sense. I got tired of the effects, or lack thereof. So I put myself in a position of having to quit, and I quit.
      For my dad, it was the threat of losing his contact with his grandchildren. For my uncle, it was the fact that he almost killed his son with an axe. For my ex husband, I have no idea...probably got himself into some sort of trouble, I have no idea.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Polly W wrote Apr 15, 2009
    • And no, alcoholics do not have to drink every day, but most of the time they do, they just hide it in something, or sneak it. But many alcoholics are “weekend drunkards“/ that doesn’t make them a NON alcoholic, just a timed alcoholic. Dad’s was in the garage or the trunk of the car. He drank at work on night shift and mom never had any idea. I kept my drinks at home, and really didn’t give much of a shit either way who knew about it. When friends showed concern, I started pretending I only had a few at the bar when I had 4 before I left home. Then 2 more when I got home. If I hadn’t fallen asleep by then, I had a few more. I never drank before work though. Always on the way home or when I got home.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lori Aksamit-Stickley wrote Apr 17, 2009
    • It runs in my family - my grandfather; my father, my brother; me.  My mom suffered through my dad’s drinking for 15 yrs and finally told him that she was going to leave and take us kids if he didn’t take a good hard look at himself and quit.  He quit cold-turkey.  My brother has been in and out of re-hab and jail for the last 30 yrs.  He always finds ‘god’ while he’s in and as soon as he’s out he’s back on the bottle or drugs or both.  He tried to commit suicide last year and is now living with my folks again.   My folks always helped him out of the jams he got in, and brushed everythign under the rug.  I hope this time he gets the help he really needs - he’s 48 yrs old.  My folks should be enjoying their retirement not worrying about whether he’s going ot relapse or worse.  

      I fought my own battles with alcohol - suffered through an abusive husband who almost killed me, spent a few years in a bottle trying to make sense out of that, then quit cold-turkey.  Waited 10 yrs - married a very sweet, thoughtful man, who didn’t drink - until 6 months AFTER we were married - he admitted he was an alcoholic ( a very high functioning one).  he didn’t drink every day - just on the weekend.  But he would forget all about everything and everyone else when he was drinking.  He would then feel so guilty that he got depressed and wouldn’t speak to me. He didn’t think his behaviour affected anyone else.   I finally got him to go to consouneling but he wasn’t honest with the counselor, me or himslef and eventually he chose his lifestyle over our marriage.

      For years i thought that I had driven him to drink since he didn’t drink when we were dating - found out later that it was something he had been fighting for a very long time and had been trying desperately to give up when were together.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ayesha wrote Apr 17, 2009
    • Peachcake ~ from your ” Married a sweet, thoughtful man ” on down my own story is very similar ... My second husband was a cute, charming Irish lad with eyes like stars, the longest lashes and a smile like sunshine . When we met we were seated next to each other and the first time I saw him we faced each other and he looked me straight in the eyes and gave this great, big, honest smile, one of the prettiest I had ever seen . It lit up his whole face with this warm, radiant glow . Matt had an amazing smile ( always ) He made me blush . My Heart sank . I hated the feeling . I knew what it means . Trouble . Been there, done that ... So I turned my head and ignored him . Yet I was smitten . Utterly . Floored . He had pulled the rug from under me tongue out Things went from there . We talked . He told me I was one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen . Yes - the line estatic That line . A classic ( tried and true ) But it’s not simply the words alone it’s how they say them, too ... Right ? He meant it . He even liked my nose happy We both fell head over heels . He persued me . Half a year after we became a couple he said he would marry me and we had a Vegas wedding with our two best friends . As we said our vows he cried and I shook like a leaf . I was scared . But I decided to trust . Again . Then the ” betrayal ” 1 / 2 a year into our marriage - just like you . His drinks of choice were beers ( for the hard worker he was ) during the week, Rum ( Jack Daniels ) and Coke on weekends . Too much . But he functioned . And well - most of the time . He was a fully functioning Alcoholic so it took me a while to realize even though it seemed normal that it wasn’t ” normal ” as I was told and led to believe . I thought he was a social drinker . People loved him . He loved to entertain and was very good at it . I liked it too until I noticed he was that way only around others . ” Friends ” - you know . All he wanted from me was Sex . But he did not feel guilty . And did not go to Counseling or seek help of any kind . Would not listen and act accordingly . Seemed to care the longer the less . About himself, me, us, our marriage . Only wanted to ” party ” No matter what . His selfish actions and behaviour completely ruined our relationship . We were together for just three years . Still . Long enough to brake my Heart into a thousand pieces . I loved him very much . From this, both my and your experience, I learned valuable lessons - once more .
      Thank you




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lori Aksamit-Stickley wrote Apr 17, 2009
    • Ayesha,  Our stories are very similar - everybody loved my ex too - he loved to have people over - those were the only times he ever showed me any affection - when he was drinking. I lived with it for almost 8 years - I applaud you for getting out early.  I kept convincing myself that it was normal, funny the lengths we will go to preserve the fantasy.  

      I hope that you have been able to find peace and someone who truly loves and values you.




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Esther Bloom wrote Apr 18, 2009
    • We have alcoholism in our family. I have been sober for 13 years and the best way to deal with me is to understand the disease of alcoholism. The only way I know of is to find a great AL-anon meeting near you and be with the people that go through the same things as you do. Their problems might be different but the same thing is causing the problem The Alcoholic.  

      Best of luck to you if you want to talk more send me a private message and see if we can find a good meeting for you  

      xxoo,




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Moon wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • I can’t believe how many women have dealt with Alcoholism, either themselves or family members/spouses.  I’m so glad I asked this question, because all of you responded so truthfully and from the heart, I cried reading so many of your answers, it hits me hard...I was an alcoholic when I was younger, started drinking at age 14 and continued heavy through my twenties, but I called it “partying“, as we all did when we were young, now I look back and realize I was in a bar drinking seven days a week, from after work til closing most days.  Now that I only drink occasionally, and I do mean just occasionally, I have lived with an alcoholic, who says he’s not an alcoholic, “just a partyer” for 21 years, and have experienced almost everything everyone else here has written about, except losing someone to alcohol/suicide.  Why is it that alcoholics are so damn charming?  They are charming, manipulative, greedy, selfish, and Autonomous Sociopaths. Until they hit rock bottom, or die, or kill someone else, then all of a sudden they need us to help fix them. My boyfriend is a hot tall blue eyed blonde that I’m still in love with, even after all the shit he’s put me through, the DUI’s, the accidents, the broken bones(his, not mine), the fights, but I never enable his behavior. We’ve had many many fights over drinking, and his drunkenness..but I still stay..Am I an enabler for staying with him? He has tried to stop quite a few times, and had gone into Detox voluntarily once, but his sobriety only lasted 6 months. He comes from a family of alcoholics..his father was, and all his brother’s too.  I do try to take care of me first, always..I’m all over fighting about it, and I now take care of me, I am a strong woman, and if I ever reach a point where I can’t take it anymore, he’ll be kicked to the curb, and I will carry on, alone..with great women that support me, like all of you..Thank you all so much for reinforcing me to take care of ME...your words mean a lot...and I will continue to do just that...Peace and HUGS all around...Thank Youestatic
      Deanna




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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Felicia Wynne wrote Apr 21, 2009
    • Yes, married to him.  I think Doreen’s comment hits the nail right on the head.  It isn’t easy, you just do it!!

      About 7 yrs ago, I woke up one morning and a light bulb went off.  I realized I had to stop being a mother to three, and just be a mother to my 2 children and let the big one take care of himself and grow the hell up!!  

      I knew his next temper tantrum wouldn’t be too far down the road, so I prepared, and when that day came and he left the house in a huff, I seized the opportunity and quickly changed the locks on all my doors and called an attorney...  

      It took quite a bit for my husband to hit rock bottom, but he eventually did, and he has been in recovery for about 5 yrs.  If I hadn’t done what I did, he would still be a 7 yr old boy in a 6‘4, 260lb body, but with 5 yrs of sobriety, he is going on 17! Just a little humor, but kinda true :)

      I hope this brings you some comfort, and remember, you aren’t alone!




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