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What is the best way to inform adult children that you want to start dating, since you have been separated for 2 years? They seem to have an opinion....


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Jun 28, 2008
    • Being completely honest with your children is very important to me. When i went through my divorce, I knew that they only way I would get back up is by dating again.

      It was very difficult on me, trying to get out there, but as soon as I was ready I knew my children would encourage me to get out there for my own good and happiness.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Kelly-Williams, M.A. wrote Jun 29, 2008
    • I’m relieved the adult children have opinions.  Good for them.

      However, in some ways, mom deciding to date again after 2 years is really none of their business.  They are entitled to their opinions, but whether the opinions are negative or positive regarding mom’s dating, it doesn’t matter.

      What matters is what mom wants to do, and I’m hoping that any mom that has “adult children” has built a relationship of respect and mutuality and the honoring of each other’s individual decisions.

      One response I find helpful when others are asking me questions I deem really aren’t any of their business, I simply say, “Why do you ask?”

      This usually gets met with the asker backing off.

      Mom should state clearly and simply that she is ready to date again.  And state it with no expectations from the other adults in the room as to their reaction, good or bad.  Any objections on their part can be seen by Mom as simply vibrations in the air.  

      Bottom line, if these “adult kids” want to be forceful in their objections, Mom can just send them to their rooms!


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Jun 30, 2008
    • I have to agree with marykelly...telling your “adult” children that you will be dating again after being separated for 2 years is a “courtesy” because they are your children and they are family...BUT...telling them or asking them to give their blessing or opinion on your dating again is none of their business.  Your adult children will never be able to see you with anyone else other than their father...don’t expect them to be doing the happy dance of joy at this knowledge or send you off on your dates with a cheery “Have a great time, Mom!”  

      The thing that bothers me the most is the word you chose...“separated” NOT “divorced“.  If you are still married and only separated from your husband, you should not be dating at all...just isn’t good form AND your kids, adult or not will be furious at you for doing wonder they have an opinion, if this is the case.  In their mind AND in the eyes of the law or most faiths, you are still married.  No woman or man should date before the ink is dry on the divorce papers.  

      Marriage Experts and Therapists will tell you not to embark on the dating scene or enter in to romantic relationships for at least five years after a divorce or death of a spouse.  Two years to heal...two years to find out who you are in your new life and one year to just live in it comfortably to the point that you can add another person in to it.  

      The fact that they have an opinion leads me to believe that they will try to influence you or they think they have a say in what their mother will do in this facet of her life...they do not have this control...they can have opinions and you can respect them...but basing your decision on their opinions is giving your children more power than they should have over the way you lead your life.

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